Hey Happy_girl,

Well, I know what you have been through the last couple years, and you have been there for us during our toughest times. I want you to know that I am with you on your trusting your H. But, I would keep my "radar" up, as, unfortunately, you can NEVER be positive. I don't remember who said it, but maybe take what you do have, and investigate yourself. I would say that you do know your H the best, having been M'd over 9 yrs, and it's been years since the situation with the OC has been "resolved". Keep working on your M, and see what happens. I honestly wish that I could offer you more, but my gut instinct tells me that you have nothing to worry about.

Love,

Tigger

HG,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through something like this....it's especially worse after already having survived the OW/OC thing. With this being said, I can't help but caution you to "keep your guard up". Normally our intuition and gut feelings steer us in the right direction. Given the facts to all sides that you presented in this thread, A few things stick out in my mind....

1. Should your H be actually involved in said affair with this woman, after having survived D-Day with you and OC etc. etc. I think he would say/do/what-have-you to avoid another show-down that D-day and all it's repurcussions that comes with it.

2. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if his original A that created the OC was his first A, then I'm sure he picked up a few new tricks to be more "normal" (It's always easiest the second time around once you're "seasoned") to avoid causing problems with you and to create his newest "bubble" of escape in the affair.

With that being said...those stood out the most to me when I read your thread.

NOW...in light of all that, you said he had some problems with people in the family etc. That could very well be a possibility..."Wild Bill" my first ex-husband's family would be capable of doing such things and have done things to try to harm me and ex#1. I don't discount it.

But I tend to agree with the others, it could very well be fishy and we all know about that proverbial FOG too. I agree with I think, Starfish? That said to keep your guard and radar up and get facts before making any major decisions. I also advise getting your ducks lined up so you are self-sufficient should this be the case that he is indeed cheating.

BUT....if your gut says he's not...then he's not...I suppose time will tell. Please take care of yourself and your daughter and continue to try to keep the channels of communication open with your husband.

As you probably read on my thread, I am getting divorced from Mr. "T". and I'll be raising my five kids alone and with less child support because Ex-ow gets the lion's share for filing first...at this point I don't care. I am going to be all right and I'm going to survive and you are too, regardless of how this ends up.

You can get my e-mail off of the private board if you wish to talk, vent or just whatever. You have the support of many who love you here. I'm behind you 100% in whatever you decide/find out/happens.

We love you gal! Hang in there!
Many hugs,
Twiisty

It really doesn't make sense that someone would put that letter into his wallet and then expect you to find it before he did? Did anyone know that you bought him a new wallet and were going to change it out yourself? If so, then that could be the culpret.

It just makes no sense. Why wouldn't they send you an anonomous letter telling you about an A if they were trying to mess with him? How would a love letter put in his own wallet mess with him unless they knew you'd find it before he did?

Sorry, this just makes no sense. I don't buy his it at all. I hope I am wrong and your gut (or is it denial?) is right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by happy_girl:
<strong>
i know how suspicious this sounds and i also know that i probably will seem hugely in denial, but i believe my husband.


thanks for the help and suggestions. i am not going to be completely blind, but i will not be watching his every move either. he never acts like a suspicious person. he doesn't mind when i go through his things, question him about the phone bill, etc. i know that even i get defensive when i am questioned to much and i have nothing to hide.


he made a comment when i was getting ready for work yesterday night. he was watching me and DD as we played before i leave. i saw him watching but didn't say anything. he just was watching us and then i looked up and said "what?" he says "and you think i am going to leave you or would jeopardize this. look at what we have, our perfect daughter."

anyway, thanks. let's hope i am right. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">from someone who has been in denial when confronting the WS....please trust your gut.

something is going on. something is not right. If he is not upset when you go looking, it is probably because he has just hidden the evidence in a different place.

When he said, "look at what we have, a beautiful daughter", did he mention "Look at what I have, a beautiful wife"?

I remember the crazies when I would confront my H because my gut was screaming at me that something was wrong. I out in out asked if he was involved with the OW. He lied to my face REPEATEDLY. Even after I said, "there's no way you could ever hurt me like that, right?".

He felt some guilt, but he was still able to lie, because he knew if I found out, I would leave him.

He has to demonstrate how trustworthy he is, not with words, but by actions.

albw

thanks everyone. i will definitely be keeping my radar up. i looked through his cell phone last night to see if he had called anyone in the morning on the saturday. he had called his voicemail and then his boss. *i had checked that night and the only VM was from his boss to call him*. i checked his text messages and there were 2 he tried to send to me within the past month but had the wrong number typed in by a digit. both said i love you. no others in the outbox except from work.

i just don't have that gut feeling that he is. here are some of my reasons for the reasons suggested that mean he is.

no one has our address. we live away from them because of all the drama that goes on over where they all live. that is why they wouldn't send anything via mail. we also do not give out our home phone number to anyone, even his brothers do not have it. this was my request. they can all reach him on his cell phone. reason being, his one brother gets drunk and will tell anything to anyone and his cousins wives had been calling me and hanging up after giggling a few years ago. his extended family is really a bunch of losers and i totally believe them capable.

i have never seen him take the picture of our DD out of his wallet. it is actually stuck to the plastic from getting so hot. i have talked to several guy friends who say they don't look for stuff in their wallet unless they put it there. the only thing was that picture and the letter. it was a small piece of paper, one page. nothing to notice except i was taking everything out. and most of my girlfriends have said that they look through their hubbies wallets when they find them, and none of them have been through affairs.

he has told me that why would he risk losing his wife and child? he usually calls us his "2 loves".

i know how this sounds to the outside world, but being in this world for the past few days, i have felt more and more calm about it. i even did as someone suggested and looked for another phone in his truck when he went to get us some dinner in our car and nothing. i didn't expect to find anything, because he always wants me to go with him every week when he cleans it out and washes it, and i do every so often.

i will keep my eyes and ears open though and snoop more for awhile just to be safe, but for now i am trusting my gut and my husband.

I think you need to do what ever you need to do. Trust your gut (even if it is your heart who is calling the shots) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I think you are spending too much time trying to convince the posters here (and maybe yourself) that he is not cheating and this was all a misunderstanding. History (yours) and the world of infidelity dictate some thing else. If you ask me, I would bet a years worth of pay checks that he is being unfaithful here...NO QUESTION ABOUT IT...but that doesn't matter...I am not the one who has to deal with the fall out from this...YOU DO. YOU should just do whatever you feel you need to do to get through this. Many Many people would rather NOT Know the truth, so they find ways to overlook glaring RED FLAGS. It is ok, we have all been there one way or the other. LIke you said in an earlier post, you will have to deal with this down the line (if he is indeed cheating), so just deal with this then. FOr the record, this is not what I would do. But this is after all a support forum, so while I cannot in good conscious tell you "it is ok, your husband is probably NOT cheating", I would just wish you strength for getting through all of this...ONE WAY or the other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HG,
I hope you're right, I actually tend to agree with LM on this one.

Your FIRST reaction was something wasn't right, over the last several days, you and your H have spent an unusual amount of time "discounting" this event. There is no reason in the world to "discount" an event that has no reasonable existence.

The fact that you snoop occassionally, means that you know for a FACT he WOULD absolutely abuse his marital vows, or else you would never snoop, you'd never check cell phones, voice mails, etc, and would not have questioned the letter. You would have either thrown it out, or put it back if you were TRULY certain it was nothing.

Hope all turns out well for you.

thanks guys for your advice. actually, DH and i haven't talked about this much at all since that first night. i have been thinking about it, but not talking to him about it. DH hasn't tried to convice me of anything. he is being just like he always is.

i wasn't snooping when i first found it. i do believe though that you should never completely trust a spouse. it is then that you get into trouble. i remember dr. harley saying the same thing i think.

i don't usually snoop. he has no problem with me if i do, but i rarely do. i have done some since finding the letter, but that is pretty normal i think. if it hadn't been for changing over his wallet to the new one, i would have never even suspected or been snooping.

my plan is to just go on with life as usual and watch. my friend offered to follow him on saturday nights if he goes anywhere since i work and that is the only time he really has for an affair. don't think i will take her up on it though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by happy_girl:
<strong> my friend offered to follow him on saturday nights if he goes anywhere since i work and that is the only time he really has for an affair. don't think i will take her up on it though. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why the heck not????

I'm confused.

You post, asking if your H is having another A. Many posters concur that this is most likely and that you should monitor and gather more evidence.

Then in response, you've basically defended your H and have justified what you found into something that is not to be woried about.

I don't mean to come across as insensitive. I know that this is probably a knee jerk reaction and you want to protect yourself from the hurt (denial). I can understand that. But you have a chance to validate your initial feeling- or to re-assure your second reaction.

I guess I'm trying to say is dont siit there and let life happen to you- do something to find out and protect yourself and your D and your M.

albw

happygirl, From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. Please read this post objectively.

Like many others, my experinece and your story are very similar (the lies and deception). My wife who I would have trusted with my life chnaged once she was in the A. She would lie to me about everything. Even when I provided irrefutable proof to her.

My wifes grandad recently passed away (and they were very close), she swore on his grave that she had no contact with OP for some weeks (not true). Sadly I was in possession of phone records at the time and other stuff that contradicted it. My point is, she swore on her grandads grave over a relatively minor thing, so what does that say about what they will do to cover their traks.

One sure fire way to put the doubt out of your mind is to ask him to take a lie detector test. If he is not guilty, then there is no problem ( I know I would do it). If he resists / refuses, then that is another nail in his very shaky story. You have not made this up and have hard evidence (the letter). Given his past mistake(s), I would think that he would be only too happy to take a lie detector test and dispell this as a cruel joke if that is what it is.

Take care, trust your gut, it is very very rarely wrong..

Happygirl,

I am so sorry to read your post - I know you were doing well, particularly with the new baby - and so sorry that my answer has to be this:

Somebody much wiser than me once told me "If it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, and has feathers, it probably IS a duck."

There is also the philosophical viewpoint, "The simplest answer is, more often than not, the truth."

You do what is best for you. My opinion should be of no consequence. But I wish you the best of luck, and you'll be in my thoughts.

-Cdcollins