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Joined: Jan 2000
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As you can see already, the advice/suggestions you get here will come in assorted flavors. :-)

Believe me, I understand the fear of telling your spouse. And in theory, I would have to agree that for the complete healing of your marriage, that day will come to tell. But I also think there is a right time and a right place to do that. A wise person I knew once who had been betrayed themself, advised making sure you are in a 'safe place' to confess such a thing.

I will tell you from experience that you for the most part, will not be able to find your way out on your own. And you need to find someone to be accountable to. If you don't, you most likely will end up turning back to the OM for support. It can be a viscious cycle.

Instead of asking someone for success stories on how to get out without telling your spouse, work on fixing your own heart. Absorb and study the material on the site here...even moreso than posting on the forums. Find a close friend you can confide in. If you go to church, find a believer or pastor who can help. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

And please...don't worry about harsh responses you may get here. The majority of posters have been really hurt by their betraying spouses...and it, for obvious reasons strikes a painful nerve. Most of them mean well though.

Take care

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I dont want to give details because the man I am involved with also reads at this board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


No, the MM does not read here. I told him about this board and another one, he does not have time to post and has never mentioned reading here.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This is not a way for me to continue to be in touch with him.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

but then again I only know what I read..

ARK

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<small>[ January 20, 2005, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]</small>

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<small>[ January 20, 2005, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]</small>

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FM -

We all know you are upset, confused, etc... believe me. You are coming to the realization that all affairs aren't as unique as they are made out to be. That is a major blow but it's great that you are seeing that.

I know you are scared in telling your hubby. I bet though that he would rather hear it from you first before finding out later down the road. In the end, he will respect you more for being up front with him.

We can help you through it but it's no walk in the park, that's for sure. This is a long process but in the end you can end up having an even better marriage that before the affair. I am experiencing that first hand and it is an absolutely wonderful feeling.

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oh please finding myself...

this is why you feel so much inner pain...
you are in direct conflict...

torn between what you know is right...
and what actions you engage in that you do not like of yourself...

your posting here is a double edged sword...
part of you craves that connection to those that know exactly how you feel....and can work through this without villifying you THOUGH you may not always like what you hear...

but the other part of you identified yourself in your first post directly to YOUR MM>...the part that can't stop hoping for the maintaining of that connection..no reason for you to have done that...you could have posted here without ever identifying yourself to him....

the lies are insidiously dangerous...the pattern creeps in to all facets of your life...and strong are you to be able to deny the lies...or even more scary convince yourself they are not true...

you know fm....I am not out to get you...I am trying to protect YOU from that of which you yourself can not do....

but lets just say that when you ask people to help...give them the human decency to be upfront and honest with them...though I am well aware of the medium that this...and the super lying highway is paved with such...

if you value honesty you live honestly....and you gotta figure out how to get there....

and perhaps this might be the safest place to start...some silly message board....
but the problem IS using this place to maintain contact as you speak of wanting needing no contact...

it is a dichotomy....

ARK

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Ark,

Sorry to burst your bubble but you are dead wrong about me wanting to contact the OM through this board. I'm not sure how or why you felt the need to run me down, but it is obvious you felt the need to try to hurt me. Nothing could hurt me as much as I've hurt myself and my husband..you dont know me. I am wondering how many others you've chased off.

bye and thanks to those who offered helpful ideas suggestion and insight into what they have experienced. I am grateful to you.
fm

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]</small>

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Hey FM

It's ok. Don't leave this place. You don't have to post, but do stay and read and learn. There really is some helpful stuff to find here.

If I have learned anything, isolation will hurt you more than anything. Follow the light. You can do this. God will help you. (John 3:19-21)

No one here is or can force you to do anything you are not ready or comfortable doing. ok?

Just concentrate on getting yourself into a safe place. You will make it.

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So FM...

Should we be worried about your deleting here? You still reading? And have you found someone you can talk to and confide in? I hope so. Whatever you do, don't retreat back into that tunnel of despair. If you need to talk more here, do it. Hoping you can find the strength you need. I know it's not easy. Believe me, I know.

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