Ok...I have never had so many mean things said or so many threats directed my way in my life. Why is this happening to me?

Yesterday, with the encouragement of a friend who is a Navy Officer, I reported OW to her commanding officer; she is being investigated and disciplinary action is being taken. OW engaged in an affair with WH which I guess is NOT acceptable behavior in the military. I just am sick of being walked all over. I feel like if OW feels like she can get away with such indispicable behavior that she'll hurt another innocent wife like myself and destroy a marriage. Yes, my WH is at fault but both need to realize that their behaviors are WRONG and if they are babied, they will just NEVER learn. I can't let society to continue down this path. What does marriage mean to people anymore? Apparently, people now think it is ok to cross that marriage boundary to pursue a relationship and vice versa...married people believe they can step out of their vows to lead a double life. This is not the morals/values my parents taught me and I inherited and now believe in. Therefore, it was my moral duty to report her to her higher up just like it was my belief as well as my desire to try to help my WH and work on our marriage before giving up on our 5 year journey and ultimate vows we exchanged 3.5 years ago. Anyways, I just received this e-mail from my MIL whose messages towards me have been very contradictory, meaning one moment she says she'll always love me and the next she is saying the following devastating words:

K:

I shouldn't even be emailing you, nor do I even know where to begin, BUT....here goes. How dare you profess yourself as a kind and decent human being. The words "slander" and "vicious" are too kind of a description for someone so EVIL. Several things come to mind: Fatal Attraction (the movie), "hell hath no fury as a scorn woman", and lastly, what goes around, comes around. How dare you try to ruin an innocent persons life. Should we be calling your new boyfriends boss to tell him he's seeing a married woman? And how dare you compare WH to Scott Peterson! You've finally lost your marbles! NEVER contact me, or anyone else in the X Family again.

I responded:
For one, I don't have a boyfriend. X is merely a friend with whom I have been hanging out with along with others in a group. Two, I didn't make that comparison to Scott Peterson nor do I believe it to be true....a couple psychologists with whom have helped me said it. Three, I was hurt by your son cuz of unkind actions he chose to partake in during our marriage...unfortunately, these actions cannot be reversed. Four, I feel like I no longer have a safe outlet to journal my thoughts since you obviously continue to read my posts on the "Marriage Builders" site. I am sorry you feel so angry about all of this. Really, none of what has happened has anything to do with you or X or even me for that matter. It was WH's decision to engage in an affair and all I am doing now is protecting myself and trying to move foward with my life. I am hurt that you think all those nasty things about me.

Love,

K

MIL Responds:
Typically you didn't even address the truly mean and awful thing YOU did. Do NOT email me back! Your relationship with our family is OVER!!!!!

I respond:
I am sorry but OW is NOT innocent. OW happened to knowingly get involved with WH, a married man. While WH is the one who is at fault, OW's choice to engage in this relationship is WRONG behavior anyway you put it and quite honestly, I am sick of being walked all over. Bad behaviors have consequences and if those engaged in these bad behaviors continue to be babied as WH and apparently OW have during their lives, truly innocent people will be hurt like I have. I don't like to be threatened and words such as "what comes around goes around" as this is uncalled for, and really is demeaning and hurtful cuz I have done nothing wrong here.

MIL RESPONSE:
I said DON'T email me again, and I meant it!

THIS WAS MY EARLIER POST THAT I BELIEVE SHE IS ELUDING TO:
Dangerous in what way, Cymanca???

I did have 2 psychologist sit down and tell me that WH has psycho/sociopath tendencies like Scott Peterson which literally scared the sh*t out of me since WH was thinking of starting a family/buying a house with me while he was engaged in an affair as means to cure his screwed up mind. Looked what happened to Laci when Scott Peterson was looking for ways to deal with his f*cked up head. I have had a few nightmares to this extent. I do remember towards the end of our journey, I made some kind of joking remark about a shirt he bought and he started tickling me playfully...only it wasn't so playful, almost agressive/painful and he didn't stop like he usually would. This was the first time I was taken back...at this time, it was a matter of days before he was to drop the bomb on me so I am sure he had a lot of anger/confusion/pain built up inside his head. Anyways, looking back on it makes me wonder.

I don't believe my WH to be anything like Scott Peterson though. I do know he acts agressively and very immaturely when under the influence and also when he is stressed, his moods get the best of him and his insecurities seem to be heightened...obviously leading to unhealthy behavior types. I am very concerned for his wellbeing and do believe that he is capable of doing something stupid (like jumping from rooftop to rooftop as he wanted to last 4th of July when drunk) that would compromise his health, perhaps kill him, or jeapordize an innocent persons life (drunk driving)...feel helpless watching him spiral down this road again when his life was so good just a couple years ago. Not sure there is anything I can do which sucks.

I am just curious what you meant by "dangerous"?

Thanks,

-K

I can't believe how condescending MIL has been to me. She sends me sexy underwear and tells me to get out and meet new people about a month after d-day, that WH is not deserving of my love and for the first time since WH and I met 5 years ago and over a month after WH serves me divorce papers, I make a connection with another man (in a very nonsexual, purely friendship manner) and she accuses me of the same indispicable behavior her son has engaged in during our marriage and entirely behind my back. While I admit to having sexual thoughts about this man, there is nothing other than frienship gestures occurring now. We are both gunshy, just having our hearts broken. I just don't understand this behavior, I really don't. I have never done or said anything immature during this whole process. All I wanted was to put all my effort into what I believe is right...saving a marriage to the person I vowed to be with, to love the rest of my life through good and bad; standing up for what is right by reporting illegal behavior by military standards and helping a society that needs desperately to reevaluate values and the true meaning of marriage and love; and reaching out to WH as means to try to help a troubled soul. And now I am getting accused of being an evil person? Please some help here...I am going crazy. I have never had so much hatred directed my way especially from someone I have loved dearly from the day we met and only displayed acts of kindness and maturity even when harsh words/mood-driven anger were directed my way.

I need some encouragement as I am feeling down. I haven't been able to hold anything in my stomach cuz I am so preoccupied, worried about WH's health/wellbeing and devastated by the hatred directed towards me by MIL.

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5. No kids
His Affairs: 1 with coworker last fall, another begins with 2003 HS graduate in April 04
D-Day: May 23, 2004; separated ever since
Plan A thru Oct, Plan B thru Dec, Divorce papers served by WH a few days prior to Christmas. Disgusting revelations brought to table a couple weeks later, I hire a lawyer for protection and have been shot down ever since. Divorce will be final right around our 4 year wedding anniversary.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 12:51 AM: Message edited by: kjb23 ]</small>

WS' mom,

I had a post type out just for you. Then I thought about kjb23..... don't want to make it harder on her by asking you to rethink your stance.

I will keep those thoughts with me for now. Maybe when both of you are ready to hear it. I think it c/b enlightening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 01:49 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

kjb23,

Very new here and don't have a lot of advise. Only to please know that you are doing the right thing by exposing the affair. I will be praying for you, your immediate and extended family.

BW

Oh K, I'm so sorry. I would have been hurt so much more badly if my MIL had not been kind to me the way she has been.

I think you'll have to let that one go. She's angry because you ratted out the OW? Sheesh.

K's MIL, if you read this - I've been amazed at how generous K has been in many of her discussions about your son. Only recently has she begun to see his actions differently, and even then I don't remember her writing a nasty word about him. No venting, just descriptions of what's happened and how much she is hurting. Maybe you become emotional when you read the first few sentences of K's posts, then you fail to see the compassion for your son that she has demonstrated in the face of his dreadful treatment of her.

I understand you have no choice but to remain loyal to your son, and you probably want to rationalize his behavior. I don't think you truly understand what a horror show infidelity makes of a loyal spouse's life.

GC

GC,

Great response to kjb's MIL. Better your response than mine. LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

kjb, you are not alone nor should you allow yourself t/b downtrodden by those who lack the ability to show empathy. You are better than this and well it is only their loss. As for her son (your H), it saddens me that he may go through life thinking what he did has his parents approval..... thus making it ok to ruin family after family after family..... not a good thing to reflect when we get up in years.

You don't have to be part of that vicious cycle.

take care,
L.

Don't be too hard on the MIL. She's hurting, too. Over Christmas, I had a talk with my MIL and I told her that I think it would hurt me more to be the mother of a son who betrays his wife than to be the wife. Think about it. She's hurting, too. She's trying to paint you to be the bad guy.

You did the right thing in exposing the affair. The military has laws against affairs because the job in the military requires so much time away from family and the hurt from an affair is terrible. Slander is false accusation, so your MIL is wrong.

My husband told me over and over that I would betray his trust by calling the husband of a woma who had propositioned him. I finally did call just shy of one year after the proposition. The devastation is still here nearly 4 years after the proposition.

Do pull back. If your husband wants a divorce, be glad you have no children.

Cherished

I need some encouragement as I am feeling down. I haven't been able to hold anything in my stomach cuz I am so preoccupied, worried about WH's health/wellbeing and devastated by the hatred directed towards me by MIL.

I would have fully supported your actions if you were still married to WH and doing plan A or even plan B but you are divorcing him...which mean you should NOT be in the picture any more. You should NOT CARE about WH OR OW. By getting involve reporting and stuff after proceeding with divorce is close to being revengeful.

One month ago i finally got the address of WH apartment. I wanted to give the address to OW' parents who will create havoc if they know but i did not. I didnt do it because i wanted out of the triangle and be happy again. I dont want to care anymore.

This is where you need to be be Kjb...you need to stop caring and let it go...concentrate on yourself and ignore WH OW and MIL. Take care.

kjb,

I can tell from your post that you are in a lot of pain. I wish there is something that I can do or say to make you feel better.

First of all, I think at this moment, if I were you, I would stay away from any male companions even if there are just innocent friends. It is very easy to feel attracted, especially since it's been so long that you have had any SF and I can clearly tell that you long to be held and touched. This is all very normal. Your WH did a very cruel thing to you and it is normal to feel sad, depressed, angry, lashing out etc. Contrary to what your MIL says, it is all very normal to feel this way. I don't know if your MIL ever had to go thru the pain of infidelity, but it is very hard to judge until you have walked in a person's shoes.

Second, I will ask you to stop emailing your MIL. This only serves to bring your more hurt and pain and it clearly has. Deep down, your MIL probably still cares for you, kjb, but she is going to protect her son, no matter what.

kjb, you are so much better than this and I can guarantee that you are going to feel so much better once you stop this. I know it's hard and I truly feel your pain and anguish, but you are so young and I truly think that you can do so much better in a man than your WH.

You mentioned that you are looking to buy a home and have a family. I'm not sure if your WH will ever be able to give you what you actually need and deserve.

Now, you are still so young that you can start over and be very happy. Please know that there are men out there that WILL be able to give you this.

I think that so much has happened here that it would be very difficult to rebuild the relationship with your WH as well as his family (especially your MIL). It will forever be somewhat tainted and this is not what you deserve. It will affect anything in your life, kjb.

Now, in reference to exposing the OW to her chain of command. I'm not really sure what to say about this. I do think in a way that it was correct, especially since this girl is so young and maybe her superiors can talk some sense into her. I would hate for her to ruin her life/career because of your WH because chances are that their relationship is not going to last. However, exposure should never be done to get revenge, so I'm hoping that this was not your original intent.

I wish the best for you kjb. Please continue to post here.

Take care!

Kati

Thanks guys...

Cherished...I know MIL is hurting and their is a lot of stress in WH's family right now beyond what is even happening between WH and I BUT that does NOT give her the right to speak to me so harshly. We are adults and adults should talk in a mature manner rather than stabbing at one another. Guess we have conflicting values again...although I was raised to stand up for what is right, I was also taught how to respond to conflict in a mature manner rather than my own personal anger/emotion be lashed out towards an innocent party.

Bwise...thanks.

GC...thanks for your words of encouragement. Several of my friends have made the same kind of comments. While I show some anger towards the unhealthy behaviors my husband engaged in behind my back, I always came back to support him, to defend him. He will always be my first love and despite our pending divorce, he will always have that special place in my heart, will never be forgotten even when I have started a new family and am sharing my love with another man.

Orchid...I read your letter to MIL and it was good. Thank you for helping me out as I feel helpless. Being shunned out of a family that just a month or so wrote, "I will always feel bad that WH could not be that person. We are just happy that we got to know you as a person, and that, and although he chose not to continue your relationship that you have and will always be a part of our lives" really hurts especially when I haven't done anything but try to save my marriage to WH.

Zizzy: Yes, I accept that my marriage to WH is over and I couldn't go back even if I wanted to after all the harsh words spoken and unkind actions directed towards me not only by WH now but also his family. What I am doing is standing up for what is right, trying to make an inch of improvement in a society marred by deciet, lies, and violence. My family could have had a mayday on WH after the hurt he caused me but they respect marriage and wanted nothing but us to be happy...they even were going to send WH a birthday card in the midst of his affair to show their support not for his actions but for doing what is right. I will always care for WH and still truly worry about where he is headed. Unfortunately, I really don't see him maintaining contact with me at all and I have been told that I will never be welcome in their family so I guess I am just grieving the loss of my best friend, my lover, my husband of 5 years...they just don't seem to understand the magnitude of pain I have experienced this past year. To hold my love for a man on such a high pedastal and to be knocked off it and spit on by so many people is crushing to my self esteem. I know I have a lot going for me and the community here, my friends, my family all love and care for me but somehow I don't do well knowing that some people hate me as I have always been liked by all. Ugh...I can tell it is going to be a hard road ahead. I just want to maintain my vision of love and marriage should be...not what society, including WH and his family, seem to condone.

I received an e-mail from OW commanding officer and it sounds like she was at least spoken too which is good. I don't think anything else became of that but I wanted her to at least be educated on the wrongness of her actions.

On another note, relevant to us BS, there was a "dear abby" column I thought was appropriate this morning:

Dear Abby: I'm recently divorced after a 4 year separation from my husband. My ex treats me like dirt and cannot speak to me withoug becoming angry and abusive. I wasn't the cause of the breakup. He cheated on me. I offered to rebuild the trust and work it out, but he refused. I just want to know why he is angry. I have tried to ask him why he gets so defensive. He is living with the woman he cheated with. Why does he carry so much anger toward me. His supposedly happy with her. -Hurt

Dear Hurt: He would rather aim his anger at you than face himself. He knows what he did was wrong, and it's easier for him to blame you than take responsibility and accept himself as a cheater. It's called blaiming the victim.

TGIF...I am gone this weekend, thank god.

-K

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this!!

First, you were right to expose the A. You are under no obligation to protect WH or OW at this point and do not let them try to convince you otehrwise. I am currently struggling with just that, they are both (although they are supposedly no longer together) doing damage control at their place of work by saying they "only went out and had drinks"....<sigh>

MIL has no place in this at all, and I feel this one big time, too! My MIL called him and I repeatedly the first few days, she thought she could help "fix it". Of course he and I both are choking down a secret rage...see MIL abused my H emotionally, physically and sexually. She has done quite enough, thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You sound like you are still torn. Do you have any intenetions of continuing this M? If so, then you need to decide a course of action... this is where I am stuck at the moment... so not reall good at offering help there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just know that the mean words,t eh anger, all of this is very normal, typical behavior... and yes, it really sucks!

Kati...I absolutely did NOT resport OW to seek revenge. This is not my style. I reported OW again to try to make an ounce of difference in a society that seems to have devalued marriage and what it entails. I realize OW is not at fault but she still overstepped that boundary...she should have ended her relationship with WH as soon as she found out he was married. Instead, she pursued which again demonstrates the lack of respect for marriage today by much of society. Statistics are fricken bleak and it scares the sh*t out of me as I reenter the singles scene.

MS...The divorce papers are served so I am taking steps to accept life without WH being such an intregal part of it he has in the past. With regards to dating, I have not gone on any one-on-one dates. Again, I am out socializing with other people and am starting to make connections with new men on a purely friendship basis. I'll know when my heart is completely healed and think it is on the mending since I did feel a sexual attraction to a man for the first time since meeting WH 5 years ago the other night.

-K

WH is taking my side on this one; just received this e-mail:

K-
Just a FYI, I have asked my mom to stop reading your website posting stuff, as it your place to talk about your private thoughts and obviously she can’t handle (emotionally) what she is reading.

-WH

Word to the wise... do not send anything to MIL right now.

No possible gain, only possible loss.

Pep

After undeservingly being treated with so much anger and hurt, there is no way I am contacting my MIL right now. She needs to cool down and learn how to deal with her anger in a more mature manner...in fact, she owes me an apology which I doubt is in the making. I feel like I have been living in a world where WH's family loved me for the mere role I was playing to their son rather than truly embracing and loving the qualities I have as a person....that is what hurts because it is like the awesome life I thought was living, the awesome family I thought loved me was just one big lie.

-K

Response from OW's commanding officer:
K,

As does the wing commander, I too regret that you have had to contact us regarding OW. The Air Force certainly does not condone the behavior described in your correspondence. I have spoken to her and have taken all measures within the constraints of the law. I wish you the best and hope you are able to resolve your current personal situation quickly.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further concerns.

My response:
Dear Major X,

Thanks for your timely response. It was a hard step for me to take with respect to reporting OW but I grew up in a family that truly values what marriage entails and I needed to stand up for what was morally right. Society today seems to have devalued the true meaning of love and marriage which is why there are increasing statistics showing not only infidelity within marriage but also outsiders crossing over that marriage boundary and violating families and triggering an epidemic of divorce. Hopefully by enforcing the law in such cases, there will at least be a slow improvement with respect to this matter and the value of "family" and "marriage" will be rebuilt on a stronger foundation. I am sure OW has a bright future ahead of her with respect to her career and I can only hope that in the future, she shows the same kind of passion towards family and respects how important marriage/love really is.

Sincerely,

K

Dear kjb23,

Though you are young in years you are mature in your ways. Your response to the commander was great. Properly word and with the right amount of inflection. It warmed my heart to read it. If only more people would give such thoughtful consideration even when hurting.

You are truly a great person. Don't ever lose that touch.

All the best,
L.

Thanks Orchid...I look forward to meeting upi next time I visit Hawaii ( :

kjb,

Great letter to the commander. Thanks also for the following

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I have been living in a world where WH's family loved me for the mere role I was playing to their son rather than truly embracing and loving the qualities I have as a person....that is what hurts because it is like the awesome life I thought was living, the awesome family I thought loved me was just one big lie.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have very succintly summarized my own feeling towards my inlaws. I have struggled for 9 months trying to define how I feel about their abandonment. You did a beautiful job.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">K-
Just a FYI, I have asked my mom to stop reading your website posting stuff, as it your place to talk about your private thoughts and obviously she can’t handle (emotionally) what she is reading.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hang in there kjb, when your WS starts to defend you, the fog may be really starting to lift. He appears to be finally aware of the incredible destruction he has caused to a lot of people that he loves.

K - I don't post much anymore, but have been reading your posts and following your story. You are an extaordinary young woman! I, too, have gone through my H having an affair and leaving me for the OW. I was married for 17 years, and have now been divorced for 5.

When I exposed the affair to his family, they were shocked and did not want to believe it. My ExH even tried to convince them that the new relationship did not start until after he had left me. Everything soon became more than apparent. My MIL, too, only wanted to protect her son, and was not really able to understand what I was going through. H's family lived 500 miles away. I stayed in contact for a few months, and then contact stopped because I felt uncomfortable with her attempting to defend her son, and I realized that the marriage was truly over, not just because of the affair, but for other reasons also, mainly the awful way he had treated me for the previous 5-7 years.
Fast foward five years - my life is now good - I am doing better than ever. My ex probably did me a large favor by removing himself from my life. My life is full, I am happier than ever, even though I am still single, and have not really dated, because I have not really found any man interesting enough to go there with yet! Last year, right before I got recalled to Active Duty and was sent to London, I got a call from a mutual friend of mine and ExH's, that ExH's father had passed away suddenly. I was shocked and upset, and crying. The next afternoon, I got a call from E-H, from the airport - he was on his way to his parents' home for the funeral. (He went alone - without OW/Wife) He finally gave me his Mom's phone number - It was unlisted since they had moved a few years back, and I had no way to contact them at all, since I was not on good terms with Ex-H. I called her, and she was distraught and crying. She said that she had wanted to talk to me for a long time, but was not sure if I would talk to her, and that she was so sorry about what happened, and that she missed me and loved me very much. Amid all the sadness, she reached out to me again. I also spoke to his brother and sister. We now speak on a regular basis. We do not speak about Ex-H, though, although I think she would like to. ExH did marry the OW, and I know that things are not good. She is bi-polar, and they are living apart, as she now lives with her parents several hours away, because she cannot cope with life without their support. ExH still lives in the area, and apparently won't leave his job, or can't find one where she lives with her parents.

Once the shock wears off, the truth is well-known and things settle down, I would be willing to bet that your MIL will again want to speak to you, and may even apologize to you. I did not think it would happen in my case, either, but it did.

Stay strong, K. You have so much to offer. I, too, thought I would never get past all the pain, and that I would never heal emotionally. But I have, and with a vengence!!! I am back in school, back on Active Duty again, and enjoying it immensely, am active in my chuch (sing in Folk Group), and have friends that I treasure and enjoy. All of this at the ripe old age of 49! I am optimistic about my future, am happy and healthy, and intend to enjoy life to the fullest. Meanwhile, my poor ExH's life is unstable and stressful. I saw him a few months ago. I was cordial and kept it light - just filled him in on all my travels and all the fun I've been having the last few years. It was very strange talking to him. He was like a stranger, but still yet familiar. Life does go on, in ways that we never expect. I, too, loved my H with all my heart, and he knew it. Unfortuately, that meant nothing to him. I feel only sadness for him now.

Keep posting. I can see that you are getting stonger all the time. Yes, divorce is terrible. I would not have chosen to go throught it had it been my choice. But it wasn't. It's so hard to have the person you love the most taken away. There is a part of me that will always be sad that my marriage was ripped apart, and there will always be a scar.

May God Bless you always, K. You did the right thing.

Love,
Lady M

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: Lady M ]</small>

Cymanca...glad I could help! I still feel stabbed, spit on by a family I thought loved me for who I am as a person rather than the role as girlfriend/wife these past 5 years. I am not sure what the heck is going through WH's head. After he sent that e-mail to me, he also sent this: K-My only response to your emails is that OW was nearly arrested and kicked out of the military yesterday. Your email nearly got her put in jail. I know you are doing what you think is right, but you are destroying someone else’s career and life in the process. -WH So yes, I am still getting blamed. The "Dear Abby" column calls this action "blaming the victim" rather than taking responsibility for his own shortcomings.

Lady M...thanks for the words of encouragement. I am in desperate need of hearing such inspirational stories as I have been around too much of this ugly drama this past year. I do see a positive future with another man and I am excited to discover it soon so such life dreams/goals as a healthy marriage and beautiful family can start moving forward <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> once again.

I just got back from a cycling camp with which I was the guest nutritionist. Although the weather was sketchy Friday/Saturday, it was great to be around others with common interests. On a good note, I didn't come home to any more drama although it still sucks coming home to an empty condo. This week will be busy which also will be good for me...lots of fun things to look forward to ( :

-K