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Joined: May 2004
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Time to own it, time to claim responsibility, time to hold yourself accountable!!!!!!

No more, I was manipulated.

No more, I was taken advantage of.

No more, I was lonely.

No more, I was mistreated.

No more, my needs were not being met.

Stop playing the victim!!!!!!!! Once you take responsibility for your choices you can move on to recovery. If you are still feeling justified, you can not move ahead.

I will NOT give OM any credit in my choice to have an A. It was my choice, he did not have a gun to my head, I'm smarter than his smooth talk, I'm smarter than his manipulation, he did not win me over. I chose it, because of who I was. Not because of who he was. Would I chose it again, not on your life!!!

I am owning my Affair. I am taking responsibility for it. It was ME, not my H's neglect, not OM, it was ME!!!!!!!!!!

I'm asking all other WS, to claim responsibility, to hold yourself accountable, to know that it was all YOU, and move on to working on you, to make sure this doesn't happen again. Find out why you chose to have an A, and improve on yourself.

Rebuild yourself and your M. Stand up and say,"I" made a mistake, I am sorry, and I will lead my life differently so I do not repeat history.

When you have taking control, when you have stopped pointing the finger, when you own it, you can then move on from it. I really feel this is a pivotal step to recovering a better you and a better Marriage.

Once I stopped being the victim of my H's past behavior, and of the OM's lure, I was able to really embrace my mistake, and work through it, and see me for who I was at the time. I was able to see how my character flaws played such a huge part in my choice to have this A.

I'm in no way saying be proud of what you did. Just in case somebody misunderstands me. I'm just saying, admit your failures, admit it was you and your choice alone, admit there is something about you, that needs to be improved.

No more victims, WS & FWS. It was a very bad choice we made, but it was our choice, stand up and claim it.

I had an Affair because of my character flaws, and I'm taking steps everyday to create a better me for myself and for my H, so our marriage can be blissful and affair proof.

BS, step aside and allow them to take full responsibilty for this. I know it is less painful to think OP had control, your S failed you, it is they who need to be held acountable.

Stepping down off my soapbox.

Recovered wife, KY

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<small>[ March 01, 2005, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

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Thank you, KY, for saying what you did.

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Love this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK

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God....I wish my WH could have seen this a while back!

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<small>[ February 01, 2005, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>

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Wow. Just wow.

Tough admissions. Bravo!

I can only imagine how much reading that and knowing that you feel that way has GOT to impress your H.

I don't know you very well and I am impressed.

-OAK

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That was awesome! So much good stuff there for ALL of us to remember. Thank you!

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You sound so confident and wise ky.Good for you! I like the way you are thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Pep, I should get a cape. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Charla, your welcome, I want to be heard, I want somebody to learn from it, I don't want it all to be for nothing. I want to save the one starfish.

ARK, I'm honored

Tree, sorry about the timing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OAK, I'm hoping to impress my H, I'm hoping he hears me and he will allow me to claim this instead of placing so much blame on himself and OM. Sadly it was me, I know that hurts him, but it was me. I want my H to hold me accountable.

Starman, I'm learning everyday.

OctoberGirl, WOW, confident, I like that, I think it comes in my size, right???

Thank you all for your post, KY

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KY,

As a FWW I stand up and applaud you!

I am right there with you - once I stopped blamng my H for things in the marriage, stopped feeling used by the OM and realizing that no one forced me - that I did make a decision.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will NOT give OM any credit in my choice to have an A. It was my choice, he did not have a gun to my head, I'm smarter than his smooth talk, I'm smarter than his manipulation, he did not win me over. I chose it, because of who I was. Not because of who he was. Would I chose it again, not on your life!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BRAVO! I agree - who I was at that point is not who I am now, or let me rephrase that - not who I am becoming. But who I was at that point chose it. I was not a nice person. I had a major flaw that I could control in the past, but with the right circumstances I ALLOWED that flaw to take control of me and my life. I had lost direction in life. That person I was, chose things that who I am now would never choose. You surround yourself with people who are like you. At that time I surrounded myself with the OM because I was the same smooth talker, manipulator as he was. What an awful person I was, and what poor choices I made - yes - ones I made, not my husband and not the OM.

Since I have done this, it is so much easier to give my H the love and support he NEEDS and DESERVES now that I am out of my fog and my fog still including feeling like the victim.

It helps too to remember that you as the WS are asking your S to forgive you. So why play the victim and resent the S for things you feel they did before the A. You can't receive forgiveness unless you are willing to give it. So I do not blame my H for anything. I made my decision, it was wrong, it was poor and I am dealing with the concequences, but I do not harbor any resentment nor blame for anything pre-A. I have forgiven and forgotten and taken full responsibility.

I hope that made sense lol

Anyhow KY - fantastically well said.

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<small>[ March 01, 2005, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

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You go girl!!! If only they would listen... <sigh>

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Hey, Jelly -- If I gave you IB's e mail address could you put his and curly's names in the right places and knock him on his rump with this??? JK, but it was a cool thought when I read this. I just have to wait for him to come to this realization himself. Sigh. But I think I might be closer than I was 6 months ago, thanks to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Stop playing the victim!!!!!!!! Once you take responsibility for your choices you can move on to recovery. If you are still feeling justified, you can not move ahead.

I love it!

Of course this idea goes for BS to some degree. I have to stop playing the victim role and change my own lot in life for my wife to find me attractive again.

I can here it now from my goreous wife...blah, blah, blah.

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KY...So very, very proud of you. That sounds silly--but I am and so are many others. You have come such a long way.

To the "new" FWW's and WW's: Please read this. Read KY's former posts. This isn't an overnight sensation. This has been a transformation. Take note: KY needed to recover *herself* first before her marriage can recover. And if the BS is willing to accept the "new, improved and recovered FWS (aka RWS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )", look out world--they will be a force to be reckoned with!

ST: I hope you accept this as: "I'm ready for you to be my wife again. I'm ready to have an incredible marriage with you for the rest of our lives."

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ST: I hope you accept this as: "I'm ready for you to be my wife again. I'm ready to have an incredible marriage with you for the rest of our lives."

EL: Same goes here baby.

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deeplysorry, I found it took me longer to forgive my H for his past and present at the time behavior than it did him to forgive me for my A. I think this was so because, I was afraid of fully being held accountable. Had I forgiven him, I was no longer justified in my behavior. I really had to dig deep. My H is a wonderful man, I would have never guessed he would have came through for me like he did. I'm very pleasantly surprised.

Pep, didn't see it.

Momma's sad, it is one thing to listen and to hear it, but another thing to do it. I want them to take action, to actually sink their teeth into it. OWN IT!!!!

Starz, you are so patient and wise, if I could get thought to Curly or IB, I sure would for you.

Husband, playing the victim is not appealing and you are to be the most attractive person you can be for your S. I'm not sure if she is still a WW or not, but the stronger you are, the more in control you are, the more appealing you will be.

Liny Said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> KY...So very, very proud of you. That sounds silly--but I am and so are many others. You have come such a long way.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Silly, nah, sounds pretty wonderful to me. You are old enough to be my dad, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I take it as a huge compliment. Thank you, Liny.

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Ky, well put, I will leave at that as I wouldn't want it to go to your head <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would like to add this though, just as your H was able to forgive your A before you were able to forgive his past actions, I have found I have been able to forgive Mrs. E and her A long before she has been able to forgive herself.

Point being, I think the key to your post is use your ownership in the A to better yourself... while making sure it does not weigh you down.

Always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!

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KY: (preach on sister)..

All I can say is "Bravo" ...key <applause> track......

You sure do seem to be on a roll here ...{may it continue for you!} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Truly, All of you newly titled, RWW's are giving me Hope for a better future.

I am now cutting and pasting this post to my own (_?_) WW at work.
[not sure how she see's herself]

May she get something out of your experiences!

Ya just never know "where" an epiphany may come from. Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

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