Some of you know me a little. I just started posting some, have posted long time ago, sporadically, and lurked here long time.

Today, I put a digital recorder in H's car again. First time in long time that I have done that too, 'cause I told on myself before. There was a woman in the car with him for a short time. This is a major TRIGGER. It seems as if it was an innocent "lift" to a meeting in another building, dang recorders and background noise. Lots of laughing, think it was the girl who used to work for him that I suspected before. Not sure.

Now I have to go to court 2moro for insurance and CS modification with ja@%a$$ biological father of 14 yr D, as if that isn't bad enuf...and already resentful that H isn't going with. He has important presentation. Told me he "could" go, but would be in "big" trouble if he missed this. On one hand, I really do understand, on the other I would be there for him (and have) and then some!! No matter what. Years ago, when our M probs were coming to a head, we came back from our vacation, and I told him that I was very frustrated and he wasn't meeting my needs -I took wedding rings off and told him that they would go back on when he was willing to "walk the walk". Well he got "Caught" doing something not that bad, but could be bad, and I put my rings back on and even ended up hiring lawyer and eventually taking rap (not that big of deal for me, really big deal for him). Don't want to elaborate any more for his sake on that (lalala, changing subject and acting non-chalant now)....

Anyway, lots of bad stuff going on here, just about ready to ask for separation, but really don't want it in some ways. And told him last week that it was getting really bad and I was miserable (as best that I could w/o LBs), and NOTHING has changed. He has been asleep since 9:15 tonite ( as usual, and that is when young S goes to bed), we NEVER (okay very rarely) have US time and although he says that he loves me and will not give up, I fail to see that he has begun..can't stop trying when you never really started. To his defense, he is not a BAD guy, mainly not emotionally there and can be very passive-aggresive (sp) and manipulative, esp during "discussions". Conflict avoider to say the least.

I feel like Caren, I am going quietly insane!! Okay, so not quite like Caren (she's not that quiet)!

I have been off/on prozac for about 1 yr, def. on right now, but not really taking effect or I am just that down!! I have had probs with depression in the past, really years ago and then postpartum dep. after 7 yr old S was born (H's), but I KNOW that I have to watch it. It really runs in my family...

So taking 1/2 a Xanax and going to bed. Before I get read the riot act for that, I hardly ever take this..only after WH's deceit in 2003(for panic attacks again) and to sleep OCCASSIONALLY!! My scripts expire before I use them all (Xanax, that is)!! I actually hate the stuff most of the time, it makes me very tired, so only take during the day under extreme circumstances..Of course 2moro may be one of those days...

Sorry to ramble and this post may not make much sense, but too upset to get into more. Besides, I know that when posts go for..ev..er , people tend to skip the details or the whole post. Can't really blame them. And my story is not nearly as riveting as Lemonmans or as fun as Carens...

But (whimpering a little here), maybe someone will still come along and give me ALL the answers - even if I did not actually ask a specific Q...

helpppp (in tiny whiny annoying voice),
jls

Oh, and earlier (before listening to recording) I did ask him about his day,and if he had any meetings. He said yes, one in another building, but omitted the part about giving "someone" a ride.

Hi JLS,

I'm not familiar with your sitch, but wanted to let you know that someone was here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you guys been through MC to help you deal with his past A?

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF,

Thanks. Can't sleep either?

Yes and he has never been open to couseling, but has gone anyway, 2X that time to MC. And about 3-4X to IC. MC has been tried for many different things in past for us, but we have had real problems finding a good one. And a few years ago when we went to MC for other probs, before his un-admitted A, he "lied" to me and M counselor. Hate to use that word, know it is DJ and/or LB, but he undermined me, made me look crazy for trying to get him to talk about his resentfulness towards me, -and THEN those same resentments came up in recording (in his car) in June 2003 (approx. 1-2 yrs after that MC episode), among other things.

I am sorry that I seem so down on him, but that is really how I feel right now. Sad and lost, we both are these things and then some.

jls

Hey JLS,

Actually it's just a bit after 12:00 noon here in Afghanistan...

I think that it's perfectly OK for you to let your H know that you aren't happy... if fact, do hide your unhappiness from him isn't being totally honest with him is it?

I'd try to keep finding a good MC and see if he'd go again...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Semper Fi,
RIF

OK, I am NOT the person with all of the answers (sorry), but I want to chime in anyway.

I know that a woman in your H's car (possibly THE woman) is a trigger for you, but please don't let it get to you. Not too long ago, I went on a business trip and drove a male co-worker to the airport with me. We met up with others there (all male). I didn't tell my H, granted, he's in Argentina right now, but I'm not sure I'd have told him anyway, even if he were here. I probably wouldn't even have thought to tell him because I don't think it was very important. Plus my H wouldn't care, either. Of course, I've never given my H reason to mistrust me, and I would have volunteered the information if he had asked me.

As for you, it may or may not mean anything. Just blow it off - even tho he HAS given you reason to mistrust him. You don't want to tell on yourself again about the recorder. Is that recorder still safe in there? You don't think that he may wonder if you're still using it?

Anyway, something keeps sticking in my mind that someone once said on this board, "be as innocent as a dove, and as wise as a fox" or something like that. Keep your eye on him and keep quiet.

I, too, hope you find the absolute truth.

Good luck,
svb