OK I am going to try to vent here to prevent some major lovebusting. Last night I wanted my H to talk to me about how he feels about what he has done. It seemed to go ok but then all of the sudden he got distant, so instead of pushing I left him to his thoughts. Later I went into the room where he was and asked him what he was thinking about. He got angry with me and I still am unsure as to why. Later he told me that he still thinks about her (a little) and wonders how she is doing or thinks about the conversations they had(like where she grew up). He says it is a two second thought. He still misses her - his words were something like I don't really miss her that much. I am upset and want to scream at him. I have managed to keep my cool this far and needed to let it out here. The thing that is really bothering me is that I am afraid that they will be in contact again or maybe they are now. My H says that they have not talked to each other. I am driving myself crazy. <BR> We are going out tonight - leaving the kids at home with sitter. I just know that I will ruin the evening by brining up OW. We are going country dancing- something I have always wanted to do - something he did with OW. Lots of presure on both of us. I will have lots of questions racing through my mind tonight. Did he hold her this close on the dance floor? Did he look in her eyes like he is looking in mine? Did they have more fun than we are having? <BR>Help me before I destroy our evening out. I am scared that he will think OW was so much more fun and wishes he was with her or that songs played will remind him of the fun they had. My H is usually reserved in public, but he wasn't with her. I am so scared. Please help me get through this. Thank you Monique

Oh, Monique, I am sooooo proud of you!!! You handled that one just perfect!!!<P>Now.... where is your reward - the one you give yourself?<P>Can babysitter come for an hour this afternoon and you run and go fake and bake?<BR>or manicure/pedicure?<P>Or go buy yourself some new shoes, or belt,<BR>or ????<P>You need to reward yourself for last night. You would not have behaved that way 2 weeks ago. <P>Ahhhh, your husband is going through withdrawal, but was afraid to share too much with you because he was protecting you! Now I understand he was protecting you from the images.<P>Now, tonight: Remember what you want - you want your husband to feel free to tell you everything. Make a pact to one another, that tonight is your night, and you will not spoil it by letting negative images come into your mind. <P>Tell your husband, if he remembers something to put it on the shelf for some other time to talk about. Tell him you will promise not to ask one single question about his experience with the other woman while dancing, but if he wants to talk about it sometime, you want to listen, but not tonight. I bet you both will find you have resisted the invitation to include OW in your evening, and it will give you the strength to get past her and you will have all your new memories to make. Good luck!!!!<BR>

Monique,<P>Your H is in withdrawl...it's the worst time for both of you. Keep that in mind. It stinks, but it will get better.<P>You gotta have steely resolve tonight. Your goal is a happy marriage. Tonight is meant for fun. The questions you have in your mind are ones we all would...but what would it accomplish to verbalize them?<P>Your H already feels terrible. Your goal is to have heal and have a happy marriage, not to punish him or torture yourself.<P>Challenge yourself to keep your mouth shut, to act like your H is the best thing since sliced bread and you are the most desirable creature that ever walked the face of the earth. It may not be fair that you have to do this, but it is the best thing you can do for your marriage today.<P>Tough issues are not going to be resolved verbally on the dance floor.<P>Who knows you might even have fun! And you will feel proud of yourself for staying in control.<P>Have to attend a seminar today...be back later tonight!<P>YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Monique, it is good to vent. Before I found this forum, I would write in what the W calls my journal. In reality, it is a nearly six year long letter to her. It has allowed me to say the sweet and the nasty things that I felt through her multiple affairs. If you are a Christian, pray hard and remember that true love comes from God and is longsuffering. That doesn't mean be a doormat. It means being the servant that Jesus showed us to be. Enjoy to night. Try to the best of your ability to kep those negative thoughts to a minimum. I know that it is impossible to keep them out of your mind because I let them get to me this past Firday night. For the first time in nealy 14 years of marriage, I got up an slept on the couch for about 2 hours because I was to upset to stay in the bed with her.<P>May God Bless you and keep you<P>------------------<BR>Rob<P><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited June 15, 1999).]

Monique<P>I have been thinking of you a lot because your situation is so like mine. I had my big talk with my H last night if you want to read my post. As you know, he would never, ever ever discuss any of this, so progress has been made. I feel at the stage you are at now, but the only difference is, is that to move on I have to, try to, must, stop obsessing and thinking and bringing this PERSON, into my marriage anymore. I know that he still thinks about her like your H is doing, I know that my H and her will always have a chemistry there, by Monique I have to accept that there was something there once and now we have to move on. I hope you can to, I realised that by bringing her name up all the time (and I did on a daily basis, love-busted in a big way and ranted and raved all the time about her) that I was constantly bringing her into my marraige. I'm the last person to tell you not to mention her, because I did all the time, he was sick of listening about it, would get really angry, we would fight all the time and when home life should have been improving because he lost contact with her, it ended up as hell on earth. It was me keeping her with us. I had to stop, believe me Monique it is only now, today that I have started to see the light. I know I have to move on because I truly believe it is the last time he will ever discuss it. I can't keep making myself unhappy about it. I know that he will see her again, might still have feelings for her but I have to trust him, a hard word for me to say, seeing that I thought that I would never trust him again. I have to be happy, have to have love and affection in my life, I have to grap it with both hands or my marriage is over and for good. I have to know that he will never cross that line and to leave things alone about her or she will always be a part of us. <P>I know what you are going through, I have obsessed about this OW big-time, imaging her and him together, their shared laugher, jokes, confiding and closest. It ate me up. Even when I though things were good at home, she was on my mind all the time, I questioned him all the time, made remarks about people I saw that looked like her and literally drove him away. It's hard Monique, I know, but we're here for you to love-bust to, not him, get close to him, I know by reading his posts before that he is trying, my H is only doing that now by talking to me about it again. Something he wouldn't do before.<P>My fear with like your's Monique, I had this terrible fear of him seeing her again, and thats why I kept quesitioning him. He has seen her now, and you know what, it's not that big a deal anymore.<P>I also know the need to go through everything, and then do it all over again tomorrow, I tried to explain this need to my H, about talking about it, sorting it out in my head, only to repeat the same thing all over again tomorrow. I asked him last night all the questions I asked before and do you know what Monique, the answers didn't change, it was just my need to hear it all again.<BR>I know we need to do this so everytime we hear it, it will get less and less in our minds.<P>Build on what you have, its hard, I know, I have to keep trying all the time, just moving forward in baby steps.<P>Cuddles<p>[This message has been edited by Cuddles (edited June 15, 1999).]

Just keep trying Monique.<P>Cuddles

trustntruth <BR> I know that I have come a long way, I just wish I knew at point I will be able to move on and put this all behind me. Today I am not going to talk about her, but she has entered my thoughts way to much today. I need to find a way to out of my life - she doesn't deserve my thoughts or my time. <P>Faith Hope Love <BR> As always you fit your name, you always find a way to give me faith and hope in my life. Thank you so much. I will try very hard not to even think about her, but it will be so hard. I think my H and I are both feeling the pressure.<P>professorg <BR> Thank you for the words of wisdom. I wish my H would write his thoughts down and share them with me. He did that a long time ago, but now just can't find the time.<P>Cuddles <BR> I am trying so hard. I would not be able to be as strong as you. If my H saw OW again I would kill them both! You are a strong person and your H should consider himself lucky. I want so much to call her H and let him know all about it, but I won't. I have also thought about having someone (a female) walk into a flower shop and order OW's H some flowers to be sent to their home - paid in cash so they wouldn't be able to find out who sent them. Just sign the card "Thanks for everything! A secret admirer." Just give her a reason to wonder, but I won't do that either. It does feel good to think about revenge though. <P>Thanks to everyone - Monique

Monique, I too, wanted to know many things, and feared that he would see her again. What is important to realize is that by bringing it up, you are reminding him of it, even if he isn't thinking about it.It's kind of" Oh well, that just reminded me, how is she doing? I wonder what she is doing? ...and form there...who know , he might even end up seeing her again.<BR>I am not saying you shouldn't be able to talk about it, i'd prefer talking about it a bit after withdrawl, the answers would be more objective, and the defensiveness thing gets better.<BR>I don't have to be right, but I found it worked for me. Indeed many times that I brought the affair into the conversation, he ended up at least talking to her on the phone. And according to him ( now) at times that he wasn't even thinking about doing so. But my questions made him think about her again.<BR>I know how difficult it is to want desperatly to know something and just wait, I found ways of dealing with it, from writing on my journal, or on the book I had arranged for all the questions, to go out and do something for me, to just sit down and read a book. Anything that will take my mind of it for a bit, worked.<BR>As you know, now I have my answers, and I didn't even bothered to ask him some on the list, I really didn't need to know anymore. It was much more confortable for me to sit down with him and read all the questions - some he had already answered in the book - not being afraid of what that could bring. WHen he answered he was calm, and not trying to justify the affair anymore. If he found some of my questions "silly" and just smiled and answered anyway. No love busters at all.<BR>Here you go, different ways to look at things <BR>Take care<BR>Kat

Monique<P>You said I was strong, that day I was, today, who knows? It goes in waves as you already know. <P>H did see the OW again and they talked in work every night last week. I thought I was fine, we had our talk, but now as you know (and we can't help it), she has wiggled her way back into my thoughts, I know I shouldn't even go there, but at least you know what I mean.<P>So now he has the contact back, I have to be brave, put it out of my mind and hopefully by not mentioning her at all, if he see's her he will think it no big deal. I have also come to the conclusion that if he is going to have an affair with her, he will, whether he loves me or not. I guess at this stage I just have to hope that the closest that they shared doesn't start up again. As I said before they had a chemistry between them that will always be there. I have to trust him, God's knows it hard.<P>As I said before, its baby steps everyday. My biggest fear has surfaced, he saw her, told me he felt nothing, just shame on his part because he stayed away from her so long and he felt guilty, can you believe that. <P>He still thinks it's OK to be friendly, I fear that the infatuation will start up again even after all the withdrawal stuff we dealt with. It just never ends!<P>When you said that you were going to send him flowers and not put a name on it, I was going to do that with a greetings card (something like 'I miss you'), and send it to his work, just to see if he would tell me about it. Everyone here advised me not to because he could think it was from the OW and contact her again. In the end I sent it to him and put my name on it and he loved it. It made him feel that the love he is getting is from his wife, who is always there for him.<P>Take one day at a time.<P>Cuddles<p>[This message has been edited by Cuddles (edited June 16, 1999).]