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Joined: Sep 2003
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Yup Terri... I think you've about nailed it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


BH (Me) 28, WW 28, 2 Boys (5 and 3)
Officially M: 4yrs, 4 mos, and 23 days
Actively M: 2 yrs, 9 mos, 18 days
DDay 8/30/03
WW Filed for D 12/15/03
D final 4/4/05

Wanted my wife back... not sure what I want anymore...

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

vini vidi vici
Joined: Feb 2004
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A couple of suggestions:

Get the book "How to be your own dating service". Lots of good advice in it.

Also, I read several years ago that we guys miss about 80% of the flirts that women throw our way!!! So, being direct at times would help.

If you don't want to ask him for a date, you might ask him to help you with something. If he knows about cars or computers you might as his help determining what service your car needs, or how to setup your wireles home computer network.

Last edited by JustinExplorer; 05/14/05 01:31 PM.

Just another guy exploring middle age.
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Here are a few more thoughts on the subject of women asking men out. Men say they like this idea, but I believe when they say that they are thinking of a woman they find very attractive but are to shy to ask out, walking over to them, and popping the question. They are not condering what happens when a woman they don't find attractive may ask them out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Then they have to find a way to say no.

Also, if you are going to ask somebody out, have a plan B. Guys know this. Or they should know it!! If you are not sure what he likes to to, pick something simple like having dessert one evening after work.

If all he likes to do is play on-line games, then you have to consider if he is really a guy for you. That sounds like a rather dull fellow to me.

Finally, it helps to have more than one dating interest at a time. You will not believe how much easier it is to ask a person out, if you know there are others you can go out with. Alternatives, take the sting out of rejection. Keep in mind that MOST people are not good matches for us romantically, thus most of the time you will be rejected.


Just another guy exploring middle age.
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terri Offline OP
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Good points, JustinExplorer. Guys may understand the whole have an alternate plan thing, but with my vast (NOT) experience in the dating arena, I admit I missed that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Back though to the "ask him to help with something" idea... I'm pretty self-sufficient - I was before I got married and have gradually gotten my self-sufficiency back since my divorce.

I probably know considerably more about computers than he does, as that is my job... and cars, well, I already told him during one of our conversations that I tend to do my own minor car maintenance stuff (i.e., tune-ups, filter changes, stuff like that), so if I asked him for help with something like that, he'd wonder why.

If I started to ask him for "help" with anything, I'd feel weird - guilty? - like the only reason I was asking was to get close to him - deceitful... And I swear my nose grows when I am not honest. I don't "fake" anything well, and find it distasteful to behave in a helpless fashion when I'm not.

BTW, he seemed quite impressed that I would work on my own car. He said something like "that's really great - most women wouldn't do that kind of stuff." I'm aware that some men are threatened or put off by self sufficient women, but I also keep hearing that men like a woman who can survive on her own. I'd like to think he's one of the latter, but I do also know a lot of men who like to be needed - who like to rescue.

It can all get pretty confusing if you ask me.

As for the online games thing ... I know that there are other things he does besides online games. Movies (there just wasn't a movie either of us would have wanted to go see this week) and dining out are two things I know he likes to do. He likes quad riding - not something I can do with him as I don't have a quad, and most guys I know who do ride, don't want a passenger - it's kind of a "freedom" thing. He likes going to car shows and swap meets - which I'd certainly love to do, but those seem to me to be "guy" things, i.e., stuff that guys like to do with other guys and don't want a woman tagging along. Maybe I'm wrong about that, and if so, please enlighten me!

I'm not very good at "casual dating" - never was, never did much of it, really. Mostly I got to know guys by "hanging out" with them in groups of mutual friends, and in a couple of cases, was able to establish exclusive relationships. I don't like to waste the time of someone in whom I am not interested, and I don't meet a lot of people close to my age bracket, so it's not like there are a lot of guys to "choose" from. I know that most of the dating books advocate just going out for the sake of going out, but I find that very difficult. I've had some scary things happen when out with guys in my life, and I'm not anxious to repeat them any time real soon. Besides there are no men beating a path to my door at the present time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

More on a new thread...

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terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Well Terri, I'm not a man but I would not make the first date a wedding. They can last a long time & there is a certain amount of pressure & maybe not the best venue for being yourself & getting to know someone.

I think it's great that all the guys are advising you to... just ask! They've certainly had their share of risk asking people out, now it's our turn.

I also think it's great to have this new forum. After 21 years of marriage getting back into dating does feel somewhat foreign, though I really look forward to meeting new people.


Formerly nam here since 07/31/03 coastal, CT
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I say is fine to express interest, but not pursue hard like a man would, that tends to attract the wrong kind of man. I also would not worry about whether someone has a suit or not, that suggests you are his mother. If he wants to go with you, he will find appropriate clothes, or turn you down, either way that tells you something about him.


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