Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
T
terri Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
I've read tons of stuff about relationships and marriage and even "What Men Want" - but I still am not sure about what they really want. And NO, this thread is not about sex, but it IS about relationships - and how they start.

It's about how to ask a guy out.

Yes, there is someone I may be interested in starting a closer relationship with... he's someone I've known casually through other friends for about 2 years or so. At first, I wasn't particularly interested in him, other than the fact that he's a really NICE guy, nor did I actually see him much, as we didn't socialize together much beyond some gaming. But a couple of weeks ago, I "caught a ride" with him to the movies where we were meeting other friends. We spent nearly 2 hours just the two of us in the car and we talked ... and I felt really comfortable and very 'connected'. It was sorta like being on a date, without the actual tension of being on a date (since it wasn't a date). When he dropped me off at the end of the night, he made a point of saying, "You know, we could do this again sometime, if you want." Which in woman talk, would mean "I'd like to see you again but that's up to you," but which might also just mean "Next time we all get together to go to the movies, I'll give you a ride if you want."

In an effort to try to spend a little more time with him without that whole "date" stress thing, I went to the movies again the other night with him and another friend from the group (both male). We went to dinner first, and so we all had some time to chat about lots of things. I'm very used to guys who will completely exclude a woman from conversation even when she is sitting with them and is part of their "party" - and that absolutely did NOT happen. As a matter of fact, he seemed to always want me in the conversation - it seemed to me that he deliberately included me.

So ... he's divorced, his ex slept with his best friend. He hasn't been in a relationship for the entire time I've known him.

Some questions immediately come to mind:

How does a woman gauge a man's interest these days?
And how can a woman indicate she is interested in a man without being too forward? Particularly in this case when I obviously wasn't this interested before...

I completely understand the instinct to protect onesself against rejection and/or heartache - that's why I'm here asking questions. And, based on some of our conversation, I gather that he's not looking to get hurt again. Can't blame him there.

But, based on our recent interactions, he's either an extremely nice guy, or he might be interested. I can't really tell which.

The most immediate question is this: I'd like to ask him to accompany me to a male friend's wedding, someone he's known for a while. I'm much closer to the guy getting married than he is, so he was not invited. One of his friends is in the wedding party, and he knows some of the other guests, so it isn't like I'd be inviting him to go somewhere where he knew no one.

How do I go about doing this? I know that there is the potential for rejection here, and I'm trying to minimize any discomfort for myself, but I know that the only way to find out is to ask... just need some help with what would be the best way to ask.

Help?


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 490
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 490
I dunno maybe just ask him "Hey would you like to go to so-and-so's wedding with me?"

Personally I don't think guys have any problem with women who go after what they want. Sheesh I'd love it cause I have the reverse problem, I can't figure out the female signals... Is she being nice to me because she's nice or she wants me?!?!? Do I come across as flirting or just being nice?!?!?

Its just so confusing.... If your interested just ask the guy, I'm sure he'll be thrilled!

Miker


I was the BS - 36
She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
DS8, DD13, DD15 - All living with Dad
DDay 05/04, Divorced 08/05
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
terri,

I agree with Miker and be as direct as you can. Remember that we men are terrible mind readers, especially when it comes to reading women's minds.

While rejection is something that BOTH sexes fear it can be very educational and can help us save time from being wasted on someone who really is not very interested in us. Besides, it's his loss not yours if he says no to you.

TMCM

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
Quote
he made a point of saying, "You know, we could do this again sometime, if you want."

How does a woman gauge a man's interest these days?
And how can a woman indicate she is interested in a man without being too forward? just need some help with what would be the best way to ask.

He seems pretty interested.

My only advice is that a wedding is maybe not the best place for a first real date. Particularly since this guy got a raw deal in his past marriage and going to weddings are probably not going to be real happy times for him for a while.

If I were you, I would call him and just say "I had a nice time with you when we went to the movies and I was wondering if you'd like to do something again, just the two of us."

Go to a movie or out for dinner or something.

If there is time to get a few dates in before this wedding, and if you still like each other, then I think it would be okay. Otherwise, escorting someone to a wedding seems a bit "serious" to me for a first date activity.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
Exactly, be clear, be confident, if you think he's all that and a bag of chips, tell him.

You have all these feelings, so tell him. If you had a good time, say, I had a really great time. If you want to go to out for coffee, say I would like to have coffee with you someday.

Men don't get all the indirect ways many ladies approach things. We aren't clueless, we just respond more to a direct approach.

His statement wasn't very direct, when he said he had a good time. I'm not saying interrogate him, but you can respond in a way that will put the focus on what he means.

When he said, I'd like to do this again, tell him you really enjoyed his company and would like to see him for ________ sometime. If he takes you up on it, you have more information.

Or you could just say you loved how the conversation went, compliment him on something you really enjoyed and say yeah, I'd like to experience that again.

That may or may not open a door into what he enjoyed.

What is the danger of putting how you feel out there. Your feelings are not wrong, so if you enjoyed it, you find him attractive, etc. Just tell the man. I promise you he will not get scared unless it sounds like you are planning the wedding and picking out a dress.

Or just ask, do think we would have this much fun on an actual date?

Why fear communication, talk to the man!

T

Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
T
terri Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
Thank you for the responses!

OK, so the consensus is (to get up the courage) and just ask, but I hear and understand Slap's concern about the venue... I was wondering about that myself, whether or not a wedding is too serious of a venue for a real first date.

Unfortunately, there isn't much time before the wedding. It's the weekend after next. Any other input on that aspect?

btw... I don't fear communication, I dread rejection. It hurts. A lot. But I do realize that I cannot experience acceptance if I allow my fear of rejection to immobilize me. Now if I could only BREATHE... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

T


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
Quote
"btw... I don't fear communication, I dread rejection. It hurts. A lot. But I do realize that I cannot experience acceptance if I allow my fear of rejection to immobilize me."

If you give in to your fear of rejection, then you have already experienced rejection, not from your guy friend from yourself.

TMCM

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 3,912
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 3,912
Hi Terri,

Quote
I was wondering about that myself, whether or not a wedding is too serious of a venue for a real first date.

Are you sure he has a suit? If you're not, then probably you shouldn't invite him to a wedding. Try something casual first.

-AD


A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
T
terri Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
TMCM, I had no idea you were so eloquent... and you are, of course, absolutely right.

AD, well, I'm not SURE he has a suit, but he is a 40 something male (not sure exactly how old, but I know he is near my age)... don't most men in that age group have something nice to wear? Maybe that's a silly assumption - and if it is, please, let me know. That's another good point, though.

Thank you both for adding your thoughts. Getting this kind of feedback/advice/insight is wonderful for me!

T


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
T
terri Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
OK, one more thing ... is email an acceptable form of communication for asking someone out? Just wondering, as I'm not sure what time he gets done with work most days, and I know he gets up VERY early so I don't want to disturb him too late, either.

My instincts tell me that a phone call would be best, but I'd like to know what the guys think.

T


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
terri,

Thank you for your kind words.

Following AD's comments, why don't you ask your guy friend if he has a nice suit stored away for special occasions? If he answers that he does have one, then you can then ask him if he would he like to put it on this coming [date of the wedding] and escort you to a wedding? Better yet, before asking him these questions, why don't you show off the dress that you're going to wear to the wedding? Remember that we men are very visual creatures and if we see a pretty woman wearing a nice dress, our eyes will become totally glued on her because her femininity will radiate everywhere. Something to think about, wouldn't you agree?

TMCM

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
Quote
OK, one more thing ... is email an acceptable form of communication for asking someone out? Just wondering, as I'm not sure what time he gets done with work most days, and I know he gets up VERY early so I don't want to disturb him too late, either.

My instincts tell me that a phone call would be best, but I'd like to know what the guys think.

T

I would suggest that you ask him in person. You might want to use e-mail just to find out when he's going to be at home so that you can then show up all dressed up and wow him into saying yes to your invitation to the wedding.

TMCM

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
I would suggest calling in person as well.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 630
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 630
Quote
Unfortunately, there isn't much time before the wedding. It's the weekend after next. Any other input on that aspect?

By my count, that's almost two weeks from now. You don't think you could find time to squeeze in a cup of coffee (we're talking like 20 minutes here!) sometime in the next two weeks? Pardon me for being so forward as to say so, but that sounds kinda weak to me!

Look, just ask the dude out already. Given what you've written here, the guy pretty much already asked you out... in his own mind that is.

"Maybe we can do this again sometime..."

is pretty much manspeak for

"Gee, you are really nice, I'd really like to ask you out on a real date but I'm not quite sure what you'd say... and i don't want to look stupid if you aren't on the same wavelength that I am... given that we have friends in common and all."

In his mind, he has planted the seed and is waiting fopr a sign from you. So ASK HIM OUT! Just my two cents worth, given my experience... take it fro what it's worth.


BH (Me) 28, WW 28, 2 Boys (5 and 3)
Officially M: 4yrs, 4 mos, and 23 days
Actively M: 2 yrs, 9 mos, 18 days
DDay 8/30/03
WW Filed for D 12/15/03
D final 4/4/05

Wanted my wife back... not sure what I want anymore...

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

vini vidi vici
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 345
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 345
When my H was that age, he did have a suit - but it didn't really fit anymore since he bought it for our wedding when he was 30. How often do people who are not upper level managers or in sales actually wear a suit? - I can think of only about five or six times my husband, who worked in software development, had occasion to wear it during our twenty year marriage.

Joined: May 2000
Posts: 15,150
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 15,150
'scuse me....if your invitation to the wedding did not state that you were invited to bring a guest and you have not RSVP'd that there would be 2 in your party, you aren't exercising good manners in bringing a guest. Many caterers charge by the guest and it is often considered very rude to bring an extra guest or to be a no-show.

Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
T
terri Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
I really want to thank all you guys (and Nellie2) for your honest advice and candor.

Yes, it is 2 weeks... but he works a lot and I work two jobs and OT as often as I can, so I'm just not sure that there would be time for us to get together in between. Certainly not early enough for me to ask him in a timely fashion if I wait until after we have an opportunity to go out... If it was just that we should have a date in between that would work, but the point, I think, was that my friend's wedding shouldn't be the first real date.

What has really helped me here is having men say that they want a woman to be direct, and that it is not too forward of me to ask him out.

I'll let you know what transpires. The good the bad and the ugly ... but not too many details if it's good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thank you SO much!

T


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
T
terri Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 1998
Posts: 2,075
I've already cleared this with my friend who is getting married. I do know the rules of etiquette, Milady Princess, and would never just go ahead and assume that it would be appropriate to add someone this late in the proceedings. I asked politely if they could add one more person to the head count (originally I had been invited to bring one and the female friend I had been going to invite was unavailable) and was told very warmly that it was fine, please do.

Good point, had I not been a step ahead of you there... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

T


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
K
K Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
terri,

Just call him and ask (wedding or not)! And best of luck!!!!

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 630
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 630
I agree with K, call and ask him... he'll be thrilled. Besides, if you guys have a bunchof friends in common who will be at the wedding, it is apt to be much less tense and therefore much more accpted as a first date destenation.

Just do it!


BH (Me) 28, WW 28, 2 Boys (5 and 3)
Officially M: 4yrs, 4 mos, and 23 days
Actively M: 2 yrs, 9 mos, 18 days
DDay 8/30/03
WW Filed for D 12/15/03
D final 4/4/05

Wanted my wife back... not sure what I want anymore...

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

vini vidi vici
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5