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Okay...I am creating this thread for the marriage roles for husbands and wives. Just wanted to get it out there so you wouldn't think I forgot. I am madly typing this stuff in and should have it up soon. I may just finish the husbands first and post...and then come back with the wives. That way you can digest the first part anyway and we can start the discussion.

Hang tight...it's coming.

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Thank you for posting a seperate thread. I am really interested in reading what you have to say. I am hungry for what you have to say.

I was really getting confused on the other thread!!!LOL


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
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Overview

For all of these sections for both the husband and wife, it is important to understand how this was originally set up. God designed marriage. It was His idea. He made the rules. Which is why we have so many divorces...because we refuse to read and/or live by the owners manual.

In Genesis, it outlines the first marriage. Adam and Eve. Adam was the head of Eve. Eve was to reverence Adam. To submit (as we will see in the wife's section later). So, how did sin enter the world??

It entered thru the marriage of Adam and Eve. Satan knew He couldnt do a direct frontal attack on Adam. No way. So what He did was to get Eve to disregard Adam's headship, to get her to make the decisions. And guess what? Most people think Adam was somewhere else when she was doing this. Nope. The Bible says he was standing right there as she talked to the snake.

So, we have a passive man not taking his leadership role and defending his wife. We have a wife that instead of forcing him to take the leadership role, decides to take charge herself. What we have is the woman becomes the man, the man becomes the woman...and all hell breaks loose.

Because of this break from God, we had a curse put on us. several things to the curse, like women's pain in childbirth. But the interesting thing is that God said that the man will seek to rule over the wife, and the wife will seek to take over. What the curse became is the Battle of the Sexes. The man is going to want to rule because he was made to rule. Of course, he will want to rule as a despot...not like God rules. And the woman will want to not be ruled, and she will want to take charge.

God gave each of us unique abilities. Men cannot have babies...no womb. Men cannot feed the babies...no breasts. Men cannot "mother" babies...we are not equipped to.

I hear many today that say that there is no difference between a mother and father...except plumbing. That is not true! I can be a great father. I cannot be a great mother. And the two ARE different!! Which is another reason why homosexual "marriages" and them raising kids do not work. Because there is something missing, either a man or a woman.

My wife cannot teach my sons what it is to be a man. I cannot teach my daughter what it is to be a woman. My daughter looks to me for the type of man she may someday marry. My sons look to my wife for what they will look for in a future wife. There is no substitute for this folks.

Sure, we know of many single parents that are doing their very best and surviving against the odds in raising the kids. But I have learned that even with those efforts, they still fall short. I got custody of my kids during our mess. I was raising them almost exclusively by myself. And I believe I did a great job. But guess what? I look back now and know that there will always be something missing if they do not have a woman in their lives to show them what it is supposed to be like to be a wife and mother. What it is like to be a woman.

So, all of this mess goes back to Adam and Eve. Adam was responsible, because he was the head. But it was Eve who ignored her head and wanted to take charge (as we will see later).

But as Christians, we are redeemed fro mthe curse. We can have the marriages we want. We can be what we should have been, before Adam and Eve screwed it up. And Scripture tells us how.

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Husbands
To give an over view, what I have learned is that our roles are very unique. We arent just two, co-equal spouses. That there are things ONLY a woman can do in a marriage, and there are things that ONLY a man can do in a marriage. Of course, we know the obvious ones.

But, according to the Bible, God requires two thing for us to do and be...one for the wife and one for the husband. Out of these, there are three major areas each that we accomplish these.

The Bible says that a husband is commanded to love his wife, like Christ loves the church. And the wife is commanded to respect (or translated another way...reverence) her husband. So it comes down to the husband loves, the wife reverences.

In order to do this, we have to meet needs in three major areas each...I guess for this discussion, we will start with the man first.

Husband (Sacrificial Love)
1. Become your wife's Savior
2. Become your wife's Sanctifier
3. Become your wife's Satisfier

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Becoming Your Wife's Savior....(Ephesians 5:25)

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"


Well, when the Bible says that a man should love his wife like Christ loves the church, that opens a huge area of discussion. And in order for us to know what this type of love is like, we have to understand what that love is like.

For those that dont know...other languages have many words that are translated into English as "love." There is the friendly kind of love, there is the lustful kind of love. And others. Now, is that how Christ loves us? No, His kind of love is what is called Agape in the Bible. it is ithe kind of love that asks for nothing from the recipient. It is the kind of love that loves someone, even when that someone is hurting them.

Those that have seen the Passion of Christ can get a picture of what that love looks like. I watched that movie again recently and came to a new understanding about what God requires. And make no mistake men...it is required. It is not optional. You cant decide to love your wife, only if she is treating you well. You cant decide to agape your wife, only if she is being faithful. No, this commandment is to love her enough to die for her.

Now, most men would say that they would die physically for their wives. If a bus was about to hit them, they would jump out and push their wives out of the way and take the hit themselves. But what about other areas in their life? What about when it comes to around the house? Do we REALLY love our wives like Christ loves us?

As we will see later in this discussion, our wives are commanded to submit to our leadership in the home. So, what kind of leader are we? What do we give up, what do we sacrifice, what do we do everyday in order to "save" our wives?

As I heard in this study...you know, before Jesus met you, He was doing fine. Before He came down to Earth, He was living large. He never knew pain, He never knew betrayal. Until He met me, He was living the perfect life.

And then all of you showed up...and I showed up...with our sins, with our complaints, with our not wanting to follow Him. You know what Christ could have done? He could have said "You want me to give up my good life here in heaven, you want me to come down there and help the very people that thumb their noses at Me, who show little love and acceptance for Me...who will actively betray and even kill me? Oh no you don't. You aren't going to mess up my life."

That’s what many men say about their wives. They say “I was fine until you showed up. I had money in the bank, until you showed up. I had peace of mind, until you showed up.”

He could have said that. And we would all be doomed to suffering the consequences of our lives and actions.

So, what made Him come? What made Him give up EVERYTHING in order to rescue us...to save us? In one word...love. It wasn’t love because we deserved it. Shoot, we were doing the exact opposite of loving Him. We deserved nothing but contempt and destruction. This was a different kind of love. It was a "choice love." It is a love that says "I chose to love you because of who I am. I chose to help you, even as you spit in my face. I chose to die for you, even as you are the one who is killing Me." It is a love beyond feelings.

Ladies...if you had a husband who would die everyday for you, who would sacrifice his life, his wants, his needs...who would lay his very life out there for you...would you have some Good News for him?

Guys, women need this. All of Dr. Harley's principles, when applied to the wife...are within this genre. When a woman wants SF, it is in the context of having SF with a man who has been willing to sacrifice all for her...to make her safe and to feel safe. If her highest need is financial security, it is in the context of a man willing to work three jobs, sacrifice his health and sleep, in order to make sure the lights stay on and the food is on the table. If her highest need is respect, it is in context of a man who respects his wife enough to be her biggest fan, her biggest encourager...and to move heaven and earth in order to help her accomplish her goals.

And you know what guys?? You get to do this without expecting ANYTHING in return. As a matter of fact, you may do this and be met with betrayal or hurt or indifference. But you said you wanted to be like Jesus didnt you? Well, welcome to His world.

In baseball, there is a sacrifice bunt. The sacrifice bunt is where a hitter pushes the ball down the third or first base lines in such a way that a runner that is on base can move to the next base.. The reason for a sacrifice bunt is to move someone else along. Now you may go up to bat thinking that you are going to hit a homerun, you are going to show your strength. And them some third base coach tells you that you have to give up your right to swing for the fence, in order to move someone else along. And it usually means you will be thrown out at first base.

Husbands, God says you must lay down a sacrifice bunt for your wife. That you must always be about moving her along in life, as we will see in other sections of this study.

So, the first part of this Agape for your wife is to be her savior. It is to die for her, to lay yourself out there and be "The Man." Sure, it will hurt. Crosses hurt. Spikes in your hand hurt. Spikes in your feet hurt. Spears in your side hurt. No one is saying that loving your wife wont hurt.

But if you want a marriage that survives, if you want a woman that will respond to your leadership, who will reverence you...if even if she doesnt...if you want God's blessings in your life...then you must love her enough that you take the chance that she might "destroy" you.

The study shows that in order to become your wife’s savior, you need to do three things: sacrifice, suffer, and substitute. If you are going to love her like Jesus loves the church, then you will have to sacrifice. As I have listed above, sacrifice…true sacrifice…is a public event. It has to be seen, by your wife and by others. Sacrifice also means you must suffer. It is the nature of sacrifice. If you are not suffering, then it isn’t sacrifice yet. As I outlined above.

The last area is substitution. Everyone that knows anything about baseball knows what a designated hitter (DH) is. The DH is a guy who bats in place of the pitcher. For the team, the pitcher is more valuable…the game rides in his hands. The team does not want an errant throw from the opposing pitcher to take out their pitcher. So, they put in a DH in his place, to bat in his place. Now, the DH is powerful, the DH can hit homeruns…most pitchers cannot. But it is in the best interests of the team that the pitcher be protected. Thus, the DH is asked to substitute for the pitcher because the pitcher is more valuable.

God is asking every man to be the designated hitter for his wife. To recognize the value of his wife, and stand in there and take the pitch for her.

A great example of all of this was a hail storm one year in Texas. Four women were trapped in the storm as baseball sized hail rained down. And that sized hail can kill you. Their husbands were underneath an overhang, and when they saw their wives trapped in the deluge, they bolted out from underneath and ran thru the hail to them. Once there, they draped their bodies over them to protect them from the hail. As they tried to move back to safety, the men were being bludgeoned by the hail. Some had cuts on their head, their ears. One was knocked unconscious, but as he went unconscious, he fell on top of his wife, covering her and protecting her. After the storm was over, the TV news asked the women what they thought of all of this. One of the wives spoke up…”Everytime I see those scars on his ear, on his neck, on his head…I love him more. I love him more, because he took the hit for me.”

When we get to heaven, we will get a new body. Everything that is wrong with us here will now be right. But there will be one in heaven with scars. You will know Him. He will still have the holes in His hands and feet…and the scar in His side. And a billion years from then, you will still know Jesus by those scars. And those scars will remind you over and over again…that you have been loved.

You see, in order to be a Savior guys…you have to die first. You do not get Easter on Sunday, without going to Calvary on Friday. Many men say that they cant see God working on His wife. They cant see God raising their wife and their marriage from the dead. Well, God can’t raise something or someone that hasn’t died yet. In order to have a Crown, you have to have a Cross. You must die.

Now God asks you to lay yourself on the line out there. That you will sacrifice, suffer and substitute for a woman that will take advantage of that or ignore it. It is a risk. And many of you are asking the question…why? Well, Jesus believed in something. He believed that if he risked everything, if he sacrificed, suffered and substituted for us on the Cross…that God would have enough love for Him to get Him up out of the Tomb. We husbands must begin to believe that if we handle the savior part, by sacrificing, suffering and substituting for our wives…by dying for them…that we can trust that Easter will come for us, and God will get us up out of that grave.

For many of us, no marriage counselor in the world is going to fix your wife. She is gone. But if we take care of our end of it, God will take care of her. If we die for her…God will raise us from the dead…and we will find a transformed life, and possibly a transformed wife and marriage.

As I have stated all long here…Dr. Harleys principles directly dovetail in here. Sacrificing?? For example, we do that by meeting those three top ENs, even to our own detriment.

Remember, if you want to be a lover, a REAL lover...that love looks like the Cross.

Okay…next post will be Becoming Your Wife’s Sanctifier.

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Thank you for posting this stuff - I can't wait to see what you write on the Woman's role. All very interesting and spiritual.


Dorry (aka Deeplysorry)
me FWW - EA/PA fall of 2004
FWH EA/PA late spring 2005
Got our acts together July 2005 and started recovery.

The Recovery Guide for WW's (Wayward Wives)
Dorry's Story

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Mortarman,
Thank you for posting this I am forwarding it to my h.

I have followed your story over the years. And the sacrifice you made to stop with your career for your family must mean so much to your family. My h also is career military and it is number on in his life. At the expense of his kids. I often have told him what happens when the military is through with him and his kids don't acknowledge him cause they don't know him. There is a balance between work and family.

My love would grow for my h if he put us first and when he has made that effort my love and respect does grow. However he has the tendency to put his coworkers ahead of us. I've often told him that if he would teach and care for his daughters the way he teaches others that they would be very lucky girls. My oldest is very angry at her father cause he has never been here for her. He very rarely emails them or communicates with them while on deployment. Must admit this time he is trying but what is trying to kids.

When my h does actions that shows me that I am important to him no matter what else is going on my respect and love for him grows.

Thanks again for doing this.

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Quote:

Mortarman,
Thank you for posting this I am forwarding it to my h.

I have followed your story over the years. And the sacrifice you made to stop with your career for your family must mean so much to your family. My h also is career military and it is number on in his life. At the expense of his kids. I often have told him what happens when the military is through with him and his kids don't acknowledge him cause they don't know him. There is a balance between work and family.

My love would grow for my h if he put us first and when he has made that effort my love and respect does grow. However he has the tendency to put his coworkers ahead of us. I've often told him that if he would teach and care for his daughters the way he teaches others that they would be very lucky girls. My oldest is very angry at her father cause he has never been here for her. He very rarely emails them or communicates with them while on deployment. Must admit this time he is trying but what is trying to kids.

When my h does actions that shows me that I am important to him no matter what else is going on my respect and love for him grows.

Thanks again for doing this.




I had to learn this as well. Unfortunately, many of us guys are not brought up with this knowledge that I am presenting from the Bible. We dont understand you women. And we throw our hands in the air. When all along, we had the answers at our fingertips. I am making sure my two boys know this as they become young men. And my daughter will know this and see this out of me, as an example of who she should search for herself.

Giving up my career was very painful. It was everything to me for most of my adult life. I had in almost 10 years before I met my wife. My career predated my wife. Giving it up was a sacrifice. And she has noticed. It is probably the MOSt important thing I have done that brought us back fro the brink of divorce...my sacrifice for her...even while she was actively running away from me.

Hang tight...got two more sections for your husband...one I am posting now.

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Becoming Your Wife's Sanctifier...(Ephesians 5:25-29)

Okay, here’s part two of the roles for the husband. Becoming your wife’s sanctifier. Many men are shocked by what they wind up with after they are married. They thought they were marrying this quiet person…she hasn’t stopped talking yet. He thought he was marrying a submissive woman…she started bossing him around right after the wedding. We men had a perspective on what we thought we were getting into and who we were getting into it with…only to be highly disappointed. Many men say “She’s changed.” Actually, what has happened is that she changed back. Back to what she was before she put on her best face for you while you were dating.

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.”

Scripture is saying that a husband should love his wife like Christ loves the church in order to sanctify her and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. Now, I will spend the rest of this installment tearing that sentence apart in order to find out what it means to sanctify our wives.

God not only wants us to be our wives’ savior, He wants us to be Her sanctifier. The word sanctification is one of those big words that basically means “to set apart as unique or special.” In the Bible many times, God took the vilest things and sanctified them for His own use. When a man sanctifies a woman, he sets her apart from her past. When we were dating and we decided to ask our wives to marry us, we made some glorious promises (most un-kept…but we meant well!). And those promises were of what we would do together, where we would go, what kind of life we would have. What we were doing was sanctifying our wives from their past. In the marriage ceremony, a great disconnect happens between a previous relationship of hers (usually to the wife’s father and mother) and she moves to a new relationship with her husband. And the only reason she should do that is that her future with him looks better then the one she had with her father.

Christians, you are saved today if you have accepted what Christ did for you on the Cross as your savior. But with receiving Him as your Savior, you also got with that…a sanctifier. You didn’t just get someone that said “I do” at your conversion…you also got someone who said that “I will hang with you in order to help turn you into what you should be.” If you have the right kind of savior, you automatically get a sanctifier.

1st Corinthians 7:14 says that the believing husband sanctifies the unbelieving wife. Even if a believing husband is married to an unbelieving wife, his very presence in the home sanctifies that home, and that woman. Because he is there, there are blessings that will accrue to that home that would not accrue were he not there. For those that know the Old Testament, a great illustration of this was Rahab the prostitute. Go and read the account of what happened to her, and how her family was sanctified or set apart due to what she did with the Israelites. Guys, before you think about leaving your wife, and leaving the kids with her, think about the fact that if you are a believer, and she is an unbeliever…and you leave that house…the presence of God leaves with you.

Oh, and that verse in 1st Corinthians goes on to say that you are a sanctifier, else your children will be unclean. We have kids running around today because they have no influence from a Christian father. They are not being sanctified by the presence of their father.

Now, to express this point again…you cannot become a sanctifier until you become a savior. And saviors die! If you want to change your wife, if she is not submitting to you, if she is not living up to her side of the bargain…and you have seen all of your actions and endeavors to sanctify or change her go for naught…maybe it is because you are trying to be a sanctifier before being a savior. The goal of sanctification is to change something from what it is into what it ought to be. But until we men are ready to die (in other words…die to ourselves), then don’t expect our efforts to bring about change that works.

What’s the process of sanctification? Scripture says in verse 26 that she has been cleansed by the washing of water by the word. What I am about to tell you here guys will change your wife. But it assumes that you have changed first. What He is saying here is that every man who has a wife, is to become her…pastor. As the husband, you have been made pastor over your house by God. But, are you pasturing your house?? Most men do not take the pastoral role in their homes and therefore don’t see the changes in their homes that they expect. God wired women to change…if they are shepherded. God calls every man to be his wife’s pastor.

When you married your wife, you didn’t just marry her…you married her history. You married everything that made her what she was up until she met you and she hid from you while dating. She didn’t let you see all of that stuff…because she knew that you would have said then what you are saying now “I wouldn’t have married you if I knew all of this.” You didn’t see her without make-up, or with her hair undone. You didn’t see the nasty attributes she hid from you. You didn’t see the “Dark Side.”

What Jesus does for His bride (the church) you are to do for your bride. You are to pastor her, in order to bring about change. In 1st Corinthians 14:34-35. the Bible is very clear on the subject of men pasturing heir homes: “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but [they are commanded] to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” What Scripture says is that if a wife wants to know something, learn something, understand something…she shouldn’t head to the pastor at her church first…she should be heading to the pastor in her home…her husband. Her private pastor. A shepherd who knows how to open up the Word and minister to his personal congregation. But if you are going to be a pastor in your house, you need to go to church and learn from the pastor in that house. You need to go to Bible study. You need to learn all you can, so you can answer the questions of your wife…so you can shepherd her.

It is the job of a man to be the spiritual head of his home. A wife can not do this…the husband has been given that role, and the tools to do so. She has not. Now watch this…if you are not the spiritual head of your home…don’t be surprised if you are no head at all. So, here is the question. How many times a week do you pray with your wife? How many times a week do you have devotionals with your wife? How often do you spend time calling on God with your wife? If you are doing it rarely, you are pastoring rarely. Don’t expect the congregation to show up, if the pastor is hardly in the pulpit.

You see, this is what Scripture is saying. It says that the way that Jesus sanctifies (sets apart…changes) his bride is by pasturing it. And if you want to sanctify and change your wife, then you have to do so by washing her with the Word. By pastoring her. If your wife has to come to church to get pastored…then you have another man more influential in your home than you are. It means that another man has too much power over your wife. YOU are her pastor!

Now, as a pastor, you aren’t just there to say what is wrong. The pastor at your church doesn’t just sit up there and tell you what’s wrong. He also gives you how to make it right. That is the proper way to pastor. If all your wife hears is what is wrong…that is not a pastor. A pastor doesn’t skip what’s wrong…but he always provides the solutions to those problems.

But this pasturing has to be ongoing. Most women want a little everyday from their man, whether it be attention or pasturing or whatever…rather than two or three biggies a year.

So, you ask…”so if I do this, and I pastor and sanctify my wife, what can I expect?” Well, look at verse 27…” That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” You see, most men don’t understand their power. God gave Adam the power to name the creatures of the world. He even named Eve. That is why a husband gives his name to his wife…because he is naming her. And with naming something comes dominion over it. God said that Adam would name the animals and have dominion over them. God said he created a man, but fashioned a woman (he threw us together, He took time with her). And when He gave Eve to Adam, Adam named her. I may have the spellings wrong, but the Hebrew word for man is “Ish.” Adam named Eve “Isha.” She didn’t take his name, he gave his name to her.

Adam gave Eve his name because he intended to be THE MAN. Before the wedding, the woman gets ready for her husband. The wedding is hers. It is her day. Guys are to stay out of all of that, to let her plan and prepare her day. Because you want to make it clear that once she says “I do,” then I am THE MAN. It is her day up until that day…after that day, it’s my day. I now set the agenda, I now set the agenda. Not independently of my wife. We are partners, we are equals. But as the head of my home, I set the final agenda. I need my wife’s input, her ideas, her concerns…they are critical. But make no mistake about…she takes MY name.

The purpose of sanctification for Jesus is for Him to make the church more glorious than it was yesterday. The purpose of sanctification of your wife by you is to make her more glorious than she was the day before. A husbands lifetime goal is to continue the process of sanctification in order to make your wife more glorious then she was before. And that is done by getting rid of spots and wrinkles. Spots are defilement from the outside, wrinkles are defilement from the inside.

A great example of what I am talking about here is the new phenomena of square watermelons. It is where they take a watermelon and grow it in a square box. They do this so it will fit in your fridge. As the watermelon grows, it takes on the shape of the box. Many men wonder why their wives are still “oblong” wives instead of “square” wives. Well, maybe it is because she isn’t in the right environment for that change to happen, for her to be able to conform to what she should be. You want her to talk to you different than she used to talk to you? You want her to relate to you differently than she used to relate to you? Then you need to set the environment. Husbands are the thermostat, wives are the thermometer. Her job is to be the temperature that you set. So don’t expect a summer wife if you are bringing home winter weather.

Your wife may be this big problem. But if she is brought daily into the realm of your touch, your kindness, your shepherding, your care…then she won’t mind winding up as a square watermelon.

Next stop…the final role of the husband…becoming your wife’s Satisfier….

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bumping in anticipation of more to come...


Faith

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bumping in anticipation of more to come...




Faithful, more tomorrow...I am off to bed!!

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I shared this with my FWH last night. We are both christians and knew all of this but never really practiced it. He sees his mistakes and I see mine.

Thank you so much for the information. We can not wait for the rest!!


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
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Becoming Your Wife's Satisfier...(Ephesians 5:28-31)

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”


Many men are like Adam…”it is the woman you gave me Lord, that is the reason I am in this mess.” Many men have said that I would be much better off if I had not married you.

This passage here refers to meeting needs. Becoming your wife’s sanctifier is about meeting the needs that Dr. Harley has so eloquently shown us. “I will supply all your needs according to the riches in Christ Jesus.” Jesus takes it upon Himself to take care of His bride’s (the church) needs. Most men when they are lying while dating, promise to meet their wife’s needs. But now they are saying “I didn’t know she was that needy.” But we need to remember that we as the church need Jesus to fill our needs everyday.

Do you know why Jesus goes about meeting the needs of His bride? Because He understands something about leadership that most men do not. The higher you go up the ladder of leadership, the greater servant you become. You see, most men define leadership as: “being the BOSS.” I’m in charge here…this is my home…I am the king of my castle. In the upper room, the disciples fought over who would be the greatest in the Kingdom. Jesus said that you will always know who the leader is because the greatest among you will be your servant. Now please remember this sentence, because the whole concept of being your wife’s satisfier rides on this. Anyway, this is why Jesus washed their feet in the upper room. Peter said that “Hey, you can’t do this…you’re in charge.” Jesus said “because I am in charge, I do this.”

To meet your wife’s needs means you must become a servant. The Bible says you are the leader of your home, the head of your wife. But it also says that as the head, you must become a servant. The definition of Biblical leadership includes being a servant. Just as Jesus is a servant for his bride. Now of course, Jesus is Lord (and we will talk about how you women are to treat your husband as lord in your part)…but you will sure make it more conducive by being a servant.

This passage basically says that your wife is an extension of you. And whatever you do for you, you should do double for her. To love your wife as your own body. Look, we guys take care of our needs. Sometimes we do so, even when we don’t feel like it. Well ,the same goes for doing this for your wife.

Biblical love is driven by the meeting of needs. Now, I can hear you now. “She is going to take advantage of that. If I begin meeting needs, she is going to take advantage of that and I am going to be misused.” Oh...you mean kinda like we do with Jesus? He cant bless us enough, and we are complaining!! He cant meet our needs enough and we are complaining. Yes, there is a risk to make it your goal of meeting the needs of this other person. But that is what love does…it takes that risk. It is an act of the will.

But in order to meet these needs, you need to know them…

1st Peter 3:7, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

The first part of this says to dwell with your wives in an understanding way. In a different translation, it says to know your wife. You cant meet needs you don’t understand. But here is the problem…understanding a woman. That is like going to a foreign country, with another language!! Men are told to study the Bible, and told here to study their wives.

Many times your wife speaks from how she feels, and you are answering what she should do. She may be sitting there sharing a problem that she has, and you sit there coming up with a solution to a problem she has not fully expressed yet. The reason we men want to come up with a solution for this problem that she hasn’t fully explained is that we don’t want to take the time to hear all of that. In our mind, she is taking two hours to explain something that really only takes 5 minutes. So what we offer to do is to cut out an hour and 55 minutes of conversation and get to the point. “Let me help you…this is how you fix that. Let me help you so we don’t have to spend 2 hours discussing it.”

But we men don’t understand. In men language, we say a word and we understand the surface meaning of the word…and we act on it. But she wants to describe that thing. You see, she doesn’t just want you to understand it intellectually…she wants you to feel it with her. She wants you to “emote” with her. That’s why this passage says to dwell with your wives, which in the Greek means to live with her. To spend time with her. It means be there long enough to understand…and that means time. That’s why when you offer a solution, she is getting mad. You are wondering why she is getting mad over a problem you are trying to fix? Well, it is because she wants to know that you are more concerned about her than her problem. She doesn’t just want you to fix the problem…she wants you to “fix” her while helping to fix the problem. That takes time, because part of her getting “fixed” is her ability to fully express. It takes time to learn a foreign language. We must dwell with her long enough in order to understand her needs. It takes that to not only understand what her needs are, but also how she feels about them. And that takes a servant.

You know, the Ritz Carlton has service like no other. In most hotels, you have the concierge. The concierge is there to provide you answers, to give you solutions to your problems. Not at the Ritz Carlton. Every employee at the Ritz is told that they are not only to tell someone how to get something done or get something fixed or whatever, they are to TAKE them there to get it fixed or to get that need met. At the Ritz, someone is always taking you somewhere…or they will have you sit there while they go get it. People keep showing up at the Ritz because of this kind of service. We men wonder why our wives don’t show up when we need them and that is because we want to be a concierge. We want to give quick answers rather then taking them, leading them to the solution. Walking them thru the details. That takes time. Time we used to give them while we were dating…time we cant seem to find for them now. It’s not because we don’t have time…just look at the worn out remote. We have plenty of time. It is just that we don’t have time for them. There fore they feel like they aren’t understood. Therefore they are complaining and not satisfied. They are complaining because the investment level is so low.

So how do we husbands know that we are fulfilling this. Take out a sheet of paper and divide it in half. On one side, write at the top “SHE SERVES ME.” On the other, write “I SERVE HER.” Then right down on her side everything she does directly for you. If she cooks your meals, that is directly for you. If she washes your clothes, that is directly for you. Then, write down on your side everything you do directly for her. Now, if her side is longer than your side…then she is the husband, and you are the wife. You know why? Because, if her list is longer than your list…”the greatest among you shall be your servant.” She is the greater because she is the greater servant. She has established herself as the leader.

It says a man should love his wife like he loves his own body. You are the greatest. So you should be the greatest servant. That means you need to lengthen your list, or shorten hers (or a combination of both). For she is to NEVER out serve you!!

Look, why do we give a big tip to a waiter that does a great job? I mean, it is their job. But, if he did a great job, we want to reward that service. Many men want a big tip…at eleven o’clock at night…and she looks at your service and rolls over.

The passage goes on to describe how a man meets these needs. It says that a man must nourish and cherish his wife. That is what Christ does for His bride. Every woman, whether she knows it or not, needs to be nourished and cherished.

Nourish just means to feed in order to mature. When we got saved, Jesus didn’t just stop…He got started on us. That is why you don’t date to marry…you marry to date! In our culture, we date to marry, and then we wonder what happened after the wedding. Well, we stopped dating!! Instead, we should spend a lifetime learning how to meet the needs of our wives.

When she marries us, she should be better off because she has someone undistractedly investing in her blossoming. She is going to flourish under your regime like she would have never flourished under her father’s regime. Her father had his own wife, he had other children. Your wife has her husband who should be about making his wife all she can be.

A man nourishes his wife in 5 ways:

1. Words of affirmation. He becomes her cheerleader. Instead of “thank you for dinner” it becomes “that meal was incredible, honey.” Some might say “I don’t know how to do that.” Well, you did when you were dating her!!

2. Quality time. A listening time. Regularly saying “Honey, I want us to take some time right now, and me just listen to you about that problem you were telling me about yesterday. I have blocked out the next hour…and I just want to hear you tell me what you feel about that.”

3. Receiving of gifts. It doesn’t have to be a diamond ring, because the point of the gist isn’t the gift…it is just “you were on my mind.”

4. Acts of service. Doing the unexpected. Washing the dishes when she normally does it. Or making the bed up today when she normally does it. I mean, that only takes two minutes. But suddenly, she feels like she has become immensely important.

5. Physical touch. Non sexual touch. Not a touch that says “I’m going somewhere.” A touch that says “I want to be close to you, I want to be near you.”

That is how you nourish your wife. But the problem is that we want to bring our marriage to the big car shop of Marriage Builders and Dr. Harley and ask him to fix it, when we have never changed the oil, never done the routine maintenance. And you could have never had to deal with this, if you had just given it regular maintenance.

The other way to be your wife’s Satisfier is to cherish her. It says to understand your wife’s needs, for she is the weaker vessel. Now, that is a misused verse. A woman is only weaker to a man in one way…physically. In every other classification, she is not weaker. The word “weaker” there doesn’t mean “less than”…the word weaker has to do with how you handle highly valued material. Fine china. You don’t treat fine china like paper plates. The reason you handle it carefully because of how much you value it. This is a value issue. A man is to value his wife like fine china.

The word cherish is a word that means to warm up, like a bird that uses its wings to cover and warm its young. It means “you are special, top priority, number one…there is nobody like you.” She always feels like she is special. Cherish. To hold as unique or special.

Now, men have it as a goal to constantly change their wives. That is what Christ does with His bride, right? But, she isn’t going to change just because you say change. She is going to change because it is in her best interests to change. And what will make that change in her best interests, according to God…is two words. Nourish and cherish.

You have plates in the sink that haven’t been washed for several days and now you decide you are going to clean them. Food is crusted on them. And then you show up and want to start scrubbing on them. Just scrubbing away at that hard food. But isn’t there a better way? How about sticking them in some water with some detergent and letting them soak. You aren’t really doing anything, just putting them in an environment of softness. That hot water and detergent starts loosening up all of that tough stuff.

Some of our wives are hard. They might be hard due to life experiences, or a domineering mother…or even our actions. And now all of a sudden, you are going to be the man and start scrubbing?? “Get off of there…you’re going to change!!” And you are scrubbing and scrubbing and everyone is irritated. She’s irritated for you for pushing, and you’re irritated for having to push. And God says “Why don’t you soak her?” Put her in the water and soak her with nourishing and cherishing and watch Me loosen up the stuff.

The passage goes on to say that we are the members of one body. That is why we nourish and cherish. Because when we nourish and cherish our wife, we do so also for ourselves.

Ephesians goes onto say that a man leaves his father and mother. Notice, this has nothing to say about a woman leaving her father and mother. This says a man is to leave his father and mother. Why? Because it is your job as the leader to establish something new. Which means you are to sever any ties that conflict with or compete against this new relationship. You are to take the lead in creating the environment.

Then it says that a man will cleave to his wife. Which means to stick like glue. What that means practically is NO DIVORCE. Malachi says God hates divorce. And He is talking to men there for putting away their wives. God is saying in Malachi that He will judge you for an illegitimate divorce. Why? Because in marriage, you are to stick like glue.

Now notice the final sentence is that the two shall become one. The man leaves, the man cleaves…but not until you get to the third line does the woman even come in. When a man leaves and sets up the proper environment…when the man cleaves to his wife like glue so that she knows that this relationship is permanent…THEN you become one flesh! You cant become one flesh if you are fighting to be two flesh. To operate as two when you are supposed to be coming together as one, means there will be a breakdown in the relationship. And, oh…by the way…don’t bother to pray about it because God says He isn’t listening! Because how you treat her is how He will treat you. 1st Peter 3:7 “So that your prayers be not hindered.” One of the reasons you might not be getting your prayers answered is that you have not seen to it that she is getting hers answered.

She wants a husband who will care for her, who will nourish her, who will cherish her. But no, she has one that says “I don’t have time, I have work. I don’t have time, I have a football game. I don’t have time, I have this or that. I don’t have time.” And then you come to church and get on your knees and ask God to answer your prayers, and God is screaming from Heaven “I don’t have time!! Don’t ask me about that job promotion, don’t ask me about getting that need met. I DON’T HAVE TIME!” However you treat your wife, He will treat you. The best way to get your prayers answered is to see to it that she gets hers met. God will see you meeting hers, and he will meet yours.

A great illustration of this is the story of a country where when you wanted to get a wife, you brought cows with you for exchange. Well, in this one village, this man had two daughters. The youngest was very beautiful...the oldest very haggardly. One day, the father heard a rich man was coming to town to find a wife. So he wondered how many cows he would get for his beautiful younger daughter. Maybe one, maybe two. When the man arrived, he arrived with ten cows. WOW!! The father thought “I’m rich!!” But when the man came by, and saw the two daughters, he chose the older one…and paid ten cows for her. Her father was perplexed. He loved her…but couldn’t understand. “Ten cows…for her?”

Well they went off to be married and set up house. About a month later the father saw her again. And he couldn’t believe his eyes. Here stood a woman that was more beautiful than even his younger daughter. Wow!! How could this have happened? Simple. When she saw her value in the eyes of her husband… no matter what she looked like on the outside, she was worth 10 cows to him. So, when he showed that and treated her like a 10 cow woman, she began to want to be a 10 cow woman and look like a 10 cow woman. She started to want to be like what he was treating her as.

What that means is that we need to treat our wives like thoroughbreds, and then we wont end up with old nags!! Decide what we want her to be, how we want her to change…and then nourish and cherish it.

Now some husband might say “That is all fine for a normal girl…but my wife isn’t normal. You cannot imagine all of the needs she has. How can I begin to meet all of the needs that this woman has?” Simple. “My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus.” See, we forget that it isn’t just our ability here. God says that if we do what we can do, then He’ll come down and give us what we are lacking. Remember, we also have a provider who will nourish and cherish us.

Okay, next time we get to the women!!


Standing in His Presence

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Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
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"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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Mortarman -FINALLY we get the thread going.

My question, and I'm sure the question of many of my sisters, is how you get the husband to be the leader?

My WH has been a Christian for over 30 years. Very early in our marriage, we took a church sponsered class that talked about "honoring your husband and the marriage". I looked at what I could do to honor him, and decided to make him breakfast, pack his lunch, care for his children, be submissive, be available for SF, etc.

He in turn, ate it up.

I am not saying that he is not a good man, because he is. He always has had a caring heart, and treats everyone the same, whether the Queen of England, or a down and out homeless person.

But my WH never was the leader in our home. I did leave the decisions to him, much to my dismay. He spent our money on foolish things - 2 Harley's, and 4 other bikes.

I accept some blame for letting him do whatever he wanted. I thought I was being a good wife.

And this isn't just my story. I belong to a big church, and am active in it. What I see over and over is a good woman, yoked with a man who has no clue how to be a leader. Of course, there ARE men who can do this, but they are few and far between.

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Believer,
I am one who is interested in that answer. I can say though that what started my h on the path was one week he was comenting on how chaotic our lives were. Our Pastor was talking about how when the man is not in the leadership role the wife has to step out of her role and it causes chaos in the family. It was a lightbulb moment for him and since then he has taken small steps. However I am still forced into that leadership role of the family because of his job.

The only thing I can say is pray, pray and pray some more.

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bjs -

I guess we will have to discuss this more tomorrow. My WH never did get into the leadership role. I didn't step in either - I was waiting for him. It didn't work our for us.

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Believer,
I have followed your posts over the year and I am sorry. You are an incredible person.

Sometimes I wonder if my strength has been what has caused problems in my marriage. Sometimes because I've been forced into that leadership role it appears that I don't need my h and there are many out there who are more than willing to be needy and then he is off to help. UGH

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Quote:

Mortarman -FINALLY we get the thread going.

My question, and I'm sure the question of many of my sisters, is how you get the husband to be the leader?

My WH has been a Christian for over 30 years. Very early in our marriage, we took a church sponsered class that talked about "honoring your husband and the marriage". I looked at what I could do to honor him, and decided to make him breakfast, pack his lunch, care for his children, be submissive, be available for SF, etc.

He in turn, ate it up.

I am not saying that he is not a good man, because he is. He always has had a caring heart, and treats everyone the same, whether the Queen of England, or a down and out homeless person.

But my WH never was the leader in our home. I did leave the decisions to him, much to my dismay. He spent our money on foolish things - 2 Harley's, and 4 other bikes.

I accept some blame for letting him do whatever he wanted. I thought I was being a good wife.

And this isn't just my story. I belong to a big church, and am active in it. What I see over and over is a good woman, yoked with a man who has no clue how to be a leader. Of course, there ARE men who can do this, but they are few and far between.




Hey, great question!! And some of this will be answered when we do the wife's roles shortly.

Look, a husband can ask the same question of a wife who is not fulfilling her roles. I am dying for her, I am meeting her needs, I am sanctifying her...and she runs right over me. She is not submissive. She doesnt do the things God says she should do.

There are examples on both sides. And the answer is the same for both.

First, God commands men to agape, and he commands wives to respect (reverence). This isnt a choice. It isnt if you feel like it, or if your mate is doing right. This has to do with your relationship with the Lord.

In your case, if you are doing your part (which I am working on now), then you can expect your prayers will be answered. Why? Remember, in the hierarchy that God has set up...your husband is the leader...he is your head. But your husband has a leader also...someone that he answers to. That is Christ. Again, I am going to discuss this shortly. But suffice it to say, Jesus has promised that if you do right...he can handle your husband. That is not to say he will come around. He first needs to be under the influence of Jesus...a believer. This is one of the biggest reasons why the Bible says that you should not marry an unbeliever.

But, no matter what your husband does or doesnt do...if you do not do what you are supposed to do, I can guarantee you one thing...God will not answer your prayers. As I said before, respect for your husband and his leadership role is not optional...God isnt into suggestions, only commandments.

The only other thing I will say to this right now (again, because a lot of this is covered in the women's section) is that you do not know your power. Take Eve. She had the power to take the passive Adam and make him take the leadership role. She could have forced the decision the snake was offering back on him. She could have said "Sorry, snake. You will have to talk to my husband about this. He is my head. I have my views on this and I will discuss them with him. But in the end, you will have to talk to him...Adam, honey...this snake says we should eat from the tree. I'm not so sure...but it kinda sounds good. What do you think?" "Well, I dont know." "Well, honey...that isnt good enough here because we need a decision. What isnt you dont know?" "Well, maybe you're right, maybe it is a good idea. But I know God did tell us to not eat from it." "Well, as the leader here, dont you think you shoud talk to God about this and see what He says?" "Yeah, I guess I'll do that...I'll be right back."

If Eve had done that, if she had continued to force Adam to take his leadership role, we would not be in this mess today. And she could have done it respectfully.

I do not know your situation. Each situation is somewhat unique. But I do know that you ladies have more power than you know of. Oh sure, you know the sexual power you have over us to get what you want. But what about the power of respect? What about the power of being our helpmate, of coming alongside and being our friend, our counselor? What about having that kind of influence and using it to make your husband take his leadership role.

Since God gave the husband the leadership role, He must have also given us some attributes and abilities that He did not give you ladies. Just as He didnt give us a womb for a fetus to gestate in...it appears God has given the husband unique access in his role as husband.

I was in the Army. Leaders always had an "Open Door policy." It mean anyone in the command could come see them with a problem. But, if yo uare a general with 13,000 soldiers, tha tcould be very problematic. In my case, I had 126 soldiers working for me. When a solider came in and said "Top, can I talk with you for a minute?" My first question was "have you talked with your immediate supervisor, your leader, first?" You see, the Army gives that leader access to me, that the lower ranked soldier does not have.

All of us follow Christ (Chrisitans, that is). And ALL of us can come before Him boldly, without any help from anyone else. But the ext does say that when it comes to the program of the family, that God does want it to function in a heirarchy. As a leader in the Army, I would never go around a lower ranking leader to talk to one of their soldiers...even though all of their soldiers were mine, since he worked for me. That would be undermining their authority and their leadership role.

I believe the text says that Jesus allows you to go straight to Him...but...when it comes to the family, He operates thru a chain of command. Which means that He is going to do many things for you, thru your husband.

Now, if I had soldiers who were obeying the lawful commands of their leader, but that leader was weak or not doign right...then I took care of that leader. Because I was his leader.

God can take care of your husband...you get out of the way. Again, I will go into all of this shortly...on how you get out of the way.

It is tough. As I said to the guys above, it is a risk to agape a woman that will take advatange of you and not do her part. It is a risk. And not all wives who have husbands who are doing right, come around to doign right. But a husband that is obeying Christ can count on blessings from Him and for Christ to use his situation for his good. But if he decides not to do right...then God says that He will not hear, nor answer his prayers.

Your marriage to your husband is temporary. it only lasts as long as you both shall live. Your realionship with Christ is eternal. Which one do you think is more important? So, do what He says, trust Him...and let Him do what you cant.

More soon!!

In His arms.

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Quote:

Sometimes I wonder if my strength has been what has caused problems in my marriage. Sometimes because I've been forced into that leadership role it appears that I don't need my h and there are many out there who are more than willing to be needy and then he is off to help. UGH



bjs, that could have been me saying that


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Powerful stuff, MM. Amazing how many of us ladies are waiting to see what our part is.


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