Yeah, i know, too long!! Cut away,Puhleeeze.


Dear H,

I am both sad and hopeful as I write this letter to you. Sad that it has come to this, but still hopeful for a better relationship and strong marriage with the man that I love so deeply. Sometimes when we argue, you claim that I never loved you; Nothing could be further from the truth. I love you so much.

You have so many good qualities, and in so many ways I feel that we are such a good match. Every time I look at S7, I am so proud that he has so much of you in him; in his looks, brains, kindness and definitely in his sense of humor. And when I look at D14, I think of how you have helped so much to raise her and make her the person she is becoming. I thank you so much for loving and caring for her the way that you do. You are the man that I waited so long to marry. You are the man with whom I want to be best friends and grow old together (yeah, we started late, so we are already working on this one, but I mean “really” old).

As much as I love you and want a relationship with you (and I really do), I have also come to the sad realization that our current situation is becoming increasingly intolerable and actually leading us away from positive change. “If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got.” I have watched our relationship deteriorate over the years, and it has scared me. I have tried often to talk with you about my concerns, but I feel that we have both still overlooked many problems. I think that it is time for us to face our problems head on. I am so ready to do this; I want you to be ready for this too. I have tried to make the changes that you have asked for in the past, or that I think that you want. I wish you would have told me more. At this time, I feel that we are in a stuck and it is too painful and stressful for me to continue in this way. I would like to rebuild our marriage but cannot lose myself in the process—not ever again.

That is why I am writing this letter now. I feel that it is time to take our separation to a new level. With all the resentments and untruths floating around us, I cannot protect that love while we are still in contact, as I no longer trust you and it is destroying me and our relationship. I feel a desperate need to end this cycle of dishonesty and hurt; I love you so much, but that love is being terribly damaged by the pain of knowing tha you find yourself unablke to be honest with me. In order to hold onto the love I still have for you and to keep bitterness from overwhelming me, I must remove you from my daily life. I cannot visit with you, speak with you on the phone, correspond via mail, or through IM. This is not a punishment. This is a safeguard of my love so that if there should come a time when you can fully commit to working on rebuilding on marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that.

If you need to contact me about anything important, you may do so through ----My best friend---- (ph # here). Otherwise, you may talk to the kids by calling D14’s cell phone. That way, we do not have to argue or put them in the middle, so please don’t ask to speak to me when yu talk with them You may see the children ( D14, if she wants) on every other Wed. and the weekends that I work. I don’t know if S7 will stay the whole weekend and that is ok with me if he wants to come home on Sat. We can add Thursday night on the weeks that I don’t work, so that you can see them a little more frequently. You may also contact me through email if necessary, but only for financial, child visits or other semi-urgent problems. Please limit this to non-personal contact, or we will have to drop that option also. I expect our finances to stay the same for a while longer. I am currently looking for another job, so that I can pay more of the bills myself.

You may not realize how much all of this has hurt me and made me doubt myself, you, and our relationship to the very core. In spite of this, I love you and want desperately to work this out. H, I truly believe that we could build a great marriage if we both committed to making it happen. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit wholly to trying to build a new foundation with me, it is something that I would like to discuss with you. For me a commitment toward working for a reconciliation would entail an agreement to marriage counseling for at least three months and a realistic plan of how we would actually reconcile if the counseling were to show us that path. Other arrows to our path would include; For you to come forth with the truth against the dishoesty that is destroying my trust in you. Accountability of time at work and realistic accountability of contact with other employees. Meet with an individual counselor for an extended period of time. Talk with a doctor about medications for your depression. Spend more time (happy and productive time), attention, and affection with me and kids ( At least 15 hours a week with me of quality time). I would need your help with trusting you again. I feel that this will be difficult but not impossible,if we work together..we would need to come up with a plan together to make you feel safe to tell me everything and not to exaggerate or lie to me about daily occurrences, esp, with other women.

. My hope is that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.

Loving and missing you,
jls

As much as I love you and want a relationship with you (and I really do), I have also come to the sad realization that our current situation is becoming increasingly intolerable and actually leading us away from positive change. “If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got.” I have watched our relationship deteriorate over the years, and it has scared me. I have tried often to talk with you about my concerns, but I feel that we have both still overlooked many problems. delete that sentence...keep all areas for defesiveness or the need to defend out of this letter I think that it is time for us to face our problems head on. I am so ready to do this; I want you to be ready for this too. delete that..you ca't make him change...you can't make him want to change..this letter is about you I have tried to make the changes that you have asked for in the past, too defensive again...did you make changes because they served you well or did you make changes because they serve you and the marriage well..did you change with no strings attatched or change to say see i change so there... or that I think that you want. do you want a marriage where you guess what your spouse wants or do you want a marrage where you know what your spouse wants I wish you would have told me more. get rid of that I wish you would have this or that...this is a letter of love...not of blame... At this time, I feel that we are in a stuck and it is too painful and stressful for me to continue in this way. we are not stuck you are stuck..... I would like to rebuild our marriage but cannot lose myself in the process—not ever again.
lose yourself...too nebulous a term..what does that mean..how do you define that one?

you need to apologize for you role if any in what went wrong in the marriage...

That is why I am writing this letter now. I feel that it is time to take our separation to a new level. you don't need this line..sounds like a challenge...who will blink first in no contact With all the resentments and untruths floating around us, I cannot change can not to I must protect that love while we are still in contact, as I no longer trust you and it is destroying me and our relationship. telling him you don't trust him will make him defensive.... I feel a desperate you are not desperate you are strong enough to end the chaos need to end this cycle of dishonesty and hurt; just say end this cycle don't quantify I love you so much, but that love is being terribly damaged by the pain of knowing tha you find yourself unablke to be honest with me. again he will feel defensive reading this In order to hold onto the love I still have for you and to keep bitterness from overwhelming me, I must remove you from my daily life. too harsh...say I must not be in contact with you right now.... I cannot visit with you, speak with you on the phone, correspond via mail, or through IM. blah blah blah..no contact covers all these things...what about carrier pigeon... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />This is not a punishment. get rid of that...it is not a punishment it is a consequance This is a safeguard of my love so that if there should come a time when you can fully commit to working on rebuilding on marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that


see where those get you

ARK^^

JLS HI I'M REALLY NEW AT THIS COMPUTER THING SO I POSTED A NOTE TO YOU UNDER MY POST . IF YOUCARE TO READ IT YOU CAN GO THERE.
I read you letter and I still have tears in my eyes. I wish I could write like that, you are so gifted. I want to tell you that I care and hope for the best. t.o.y. pansy

Thanks ark^^, will redo! and repost.

Pansy, Thanks for the compliment, but I "borrowed" bits and pieces from everywhere here. I started with the form letter that Harley has here, added my own stuff, then looked up Plan B letters here and took what I thought appropriate from all i could find.(A Big Thanks to u neak and all others). Then I rewrote a little to make it sound more like me!!

Yeah, what Ark said.
It's too long and repeats.

The last long paragraph should go.
The Plan B letter does not need to go into details about reconciliation.
It should talk about stopping contact until the affair ends, then you will resume contact to discuss the future (reconciliation).

Hello jls,

How is your letter going? When do you expect to give it to him, if at all? What's your plan? Just curious.

svb

Hi svb,

I just read you rpost on your thread and will try to respond later with something deep (and not poop, altho i hav a lot of that around here).

I have been soo messed up recently. H is being very nice. I just don't know how to trust him anymore!! He has lied to me sooo many times, and esp. in the last 2 years (and about females) it doesn't help at all. Seemingly silly stuff, it just makes me very nervous.

I am very unsure of what to do next. H gets very depressed when I don't let him come over for 3 days, I am worried about what Plan B would do to him. I don't want him to crack, this is NOT a game. But I do want the truth from him once and for all, esp. about those recordings. And now, with all the conflicting advice, I decided that I should mull it all over some more. What do YOU think? I would really like to know.

Sometimes, I get disheartened that I don't get more comments here. Other times I know that it will be MY decision alone, anyway. Yeah, I can see what you mean about "thoughts spinning around in your head".

I will be back later and try to write to you also. Long day ahead, so it might be late!

Thanks for asking,
jls

Hi JLS,

In my own personal experience, plan B did not give me the answers that I wanted.

Honestly, if you feel very unsure about what to do, especially after getting different opinions, why don't you call the Harleys? I know it can be expensive, but it could be worth it. They are pros.

I spoke with Jennifer and thought that she was very good. She will give you a PLAN. She might even tell you what to say to your H. She'll say "write this down!"

She told me what to do and to say to my H. She said that if it didn't work, I could always resort to plan B again. Unfortunately, I got too tired to deal with H anymore.

I think it's worth a try.