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Joined: Feb 2004
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I would like to know how many divorced people have run into this belief when they start dating again. I am not sure how much time "long enough" is, but I know that depending on the woman, it can be 6 months, 1 year, or 2 years. Sometimes more. It seems to me that this worries women more than men.

I think what bothers me most is that all the normal faults and imperfections I have get seen through these "not long enough" glasses. The result is that the woman probes and probes until she has uncovered enough faults that I am deemed unsuitable for dating. Of course, had I not been recently divorced the same faults would not be taken so seriously. That seems to be how it is to me.


Just another guy exploring middle age.
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Hey Justin,

It's a blow off line. Now I can understand the 6 month thing, it makes sense to me but after that....well, to each his own I guess.

I guess I would rather hear that then "You Know Reborn? Your just plain butt-ugly"

I would just take it for face value and move along Justin.

No harm no foul.

Rebornman

ps- A lot of popular literature say's that it takes 6 months to 5 years to work it all out after divorce, everybody has a different timeline.


"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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It could also be they really don't think your ready for a new relationship so soon.

Are you really over your ex-wife? Do you blame her for the marriage ending? Or have you really taken the time to look at your own part in the demise of your marriage and learned what you could have done differently?

I know that after my divorce I dated a man who had been divorced 5 years and still had not looked at what part he played in his divorce. And even after 5 years he was still placing ALL the blame on his ex-wife. According to him he had done everything 'perfect' in his marriage. He was the 'perfect' husband and any woman would be GLAD to have him.

He worked hard, came home after work, rarely did he ever go any where. But his wife ALWAYS wanted to go do things, she NEVER just wanted to stay home like he did. (meaning he didn't continue to DATE his wife) He went home sat on the couch in front of the TV and basically ignored her needs.

He refused to go out and do anything with her. He wanted her to do only what he wanted to do and nothing else.

Her friends were the cause of their divorce because they encouraged her to have a life that consisted more of sitting home night after night staring at the TV set.

In the VERY short time we talked I could tell he was VERY controlling, and VERY jealous of anything that didn't center around HIM. Am I being judgemental, no, just observant of things that occured and were said.

he called and asked me out one night I said I had other plans he got ANGRY that I didn't inform him of my plans beforehand and that I even had other plans. (after all I had gone out with him once) excuse me?? I wasn't married to HIM, I owed him no explaination of MY plans or MY life.

So yes, things like that can come out when a person pays attention and knows what they want and DON'T want in a relationship.

So again, have you looked at your part in the demise of the marriage? What have you learned about yourself? and how have you changed those things?


Simul Justus Et Peccator
“Righteous and at the same time a sinner.”
(Martin Luther)
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While what you are saying is important Thorned, I think of it as a blow off line. I know where I stand....I'm sure our friend knows where he is...

I do feel sorry for the gentleman you speak of, it's going to be lonely for him.

RebornMan


"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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I would never use the line "you haven't been divorced long enough." I HOPE I could be honest enough to just say, "Thank you for asking me out, but I'm not interested in dating you."

HOWEVER, it's my experience that less than a year is really not divorced long enough. But that's just me. I was separated for about 3 years before getting divorced, and did not want to be divorced at all. Even being separated 3 years did not prepare me for divorce, and only when I divorced did I accept that my marriage was truly ended... and that left what has been a bumpy ride through grief, acceptance and finally recovery. So, even one year wasn't long enough for me to be divorced - although I probably would have been willing to date, I wasn't emotionally ready at all. I've finally moved out of the "men suck" stage of my divorce recovery. Sometimes I still believe that a lot of them are shallow jerks, but not all of them, not even most of them. But then, I know that a lot of women are, well, not exactly the sweetest things, either.

As a potential partner for a divorced man, I think I would be of the impression that being divorced a year or less was not long enough. Regardless of his faults or his strengths, I've seen too many relationships strained almost to or past the breaking point because people don't take enough time to figure out who they are without the ex before they grab on to a new person for their lives.

I would want to know that a man I'm thinking of being involved with is not going to be comparing me to his ex-wife, not going to be wishing I could be his ex-wife, not going to be wary of committing to me because of his bitterness toward his ex-wife... etc.

Just my thoughts on this topic.

T


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
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The replies by several of the women are exactly what I am talking about. The seem to assume many negative things based simply on the fact that the divorce is recent.

I don't blame my ex wife, in fact I have forgiven her for the divorce and her affair. And I have spent a huge amount of time and effort (reading books, getting counseling, talking with experienced friends, etc) to work through what happened and better understand myself. As they say in MB, I have taken 50% of the blame for the marriage problems, but I let my ex keep 100% of the blame for her affair.

Thorned, the guy who was controlling is that way I suspect for many reasons, and his divorce is probably a sympton of that and not a cause.

Teri, I don't hate women or resent them. And I certainly don't see other women as some replacement for my ex, I don't compare them to my ex, and I am not bitter towards my ex.

All I want is to be judged for who I am, not compared to some other guy who hasn't made the effort to recover and get on with his life.


Just another guy exploring middle age.
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Here's a slightly different perspective - based on what I learned when I was dating.

I met men who would not make commitments (even to show up when they said they would) because they either:
1) were not over their X's, or
2) had not come to grips with the fear of commitment (baggage they were still carrying even if they thought they were over "her")

The warning signs had been there in some cases - too much talk about the X and past lives, letting me know how much they had been hurt, clues that they were still trying to recreate the dream they lost, etc. One in particular I still feel bad about - though it was 20 years ago. I really fell for him, and think about him from time to time still. But it was clear he wasn't over his live-in GF who had left him. I sensed that if she came back, he'd jump ship.

I ended it because I was fresh off my first M and not strong enough myself to deal with his baggage. It was painful for me to realize I was either wasting my time, or serving as his rebound relationship. (And he was probably MY rebound relationship as well.)

Do you meet women who are in that situation - coming off relationships themselves with a little bit of cold feet themselves perhaps? It may indeed be a blow off line, but one designed to protect them from getting involved with someone who they are afraid is not ready to be involved.


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006

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