OK - here's a question I haven't seen posted on these boards ANYWHERE but that I'm facing now.

I work with a guy I've come to really like as a person. We have lots in common, plus common academic interests. He's talked about liking to be friends with co-workers outside of work before.

Now the part that's different: He is (openly) gay and lives with another guy. So, I've gone back and forth wondering if he is a good choice of someone to make friends with, even do things with, or if that's a really bad idea.

On the positive side, I like the guy and he seems like someone who would be a good friend. Also, he would be safe (I think - read on) and a good chance for me to have male friendships without worrying about dealing with intimacy.

On the negative side, since he's been married before he could be a 'bi' and I wouldn't know it. For another thing, his SO could be uncomfortable with it. Finally, what if I decide I like him better than a friend?

So - please weigh in - what do you all think about this? And if I was to pursue it, should I explain that I'm not interested in him except for a friend, or is that uncool?

I say, go for it... on the condition that he makes sure that it's ok with his SO. A woman I work with who is divorced and still single went on a week vacation with the gay partner of someone we work with. They had a great time! And you're right - there's no worries about intimacy.

I don't think you need to worry about whether or not he is bi ... there are a lot of gay men who marry because it is what is expected of them and cannot maintain the lie the marriage really is. My limited experience with true bisexual individuals is that they rarely settle down and live with a single person. How could they?

And finally, if you decide you like him better than a friend, mmmm... hate to sound mean, but that's your problem. Being friends with a gay man who is in a committed relationship has pretty clear rules right from the get-go, I'd say: No romance. And, you'd have to remember that his commitment is no different than the commitment between couples of mixed gender.

If you're really concerned about falling for the guy, I'd say it's a friendship you want to keep a work friendship only.

I don't think you need to say that you are interested in him only as a friend, but I would definitely make it clear that you will only "hang out" with him under the condition that it is acceptable to his SO.

But I know that gay men can be wonderful friends for women ... not to stereotype, but many of them share traditionally female interests, and will tell you if you look fat in that dress without insulting you, and you truly don't have that sexual tension that is often present in mixed gender friendships.

T