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Joined: Jul 2004
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It's been more than a year since separation and 7+ months since D. I've been dating some, [which has been surprisingly easier than I thought] with very nice women. One in particular desires to get more serious however I've told her on 3 occasions that I'm not ready for the next step. She says she will wait.
My dilemma is this: I find that I've developed a "matter of fact" type attitude. If a woman gives me the least bit of grief (or even a perception of grief) - I'm over her, no matter the extent of her good qualities. I am normally a polite, compassionate, romantic, respectful man; however this attitude "feels" permanent. I'm never disrespectful about it, just simply "matter of fact".
Can any of you relate to this?
Thanks.
FR
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. Challenges can be stepping stones or stumbling blocks. It’s just a matter of how you look at them. The purpose of life is to live it, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience
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Joined: Mar 2004
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FR~~~
I feel that I am a compassionate person, and honest.
However, since my separation and divorce, I found it very easy to be very matter of fact also.
I think we have been through so much with our wayward x's, that we won't allow any grief.
I have only dated one person. There was one time that I can remember clearly when I was matter of fact about an issue, (which I can't recall right at the moment). Anyway, I asked him to leave my home, that I wasn't going to argue.....
He got very hurt. The point for me was, I think that I had put so much into the recovery of my marriage that in the end didn't happen, that I don't feel like I have it in me to fight for a relationship.
I haven't figured out if this is a positive or a negative.
Glad your having luck in the dating world!
Karona
Divorced 12/17/2003
Formerly KEB1205 Reg 9/02
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Joined: Oct 1998
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I haven't had that experience, really... but I can certainly understand it. I don't think it's a negative. I think it's us being strong for ourselves. It's a waste of everyone's time if we try to do something that's not comfortable, or if we try to feel something that's not there for us to feel. It's being more true to ourselves and looking out for ourselves.
IMNSHO, the type of relationship that we might have in the early stages of dating is not supposed to be the kind of relationship we "fight" for. We have nothing invested in it to speak of - certainly no investment as large as marriage vows.
I'd think that matter of fact is a reasonable way to be about people in whom we don't have an emotional investment. Better for everyone involved.
terri
Courage
Whatever course you decide upon,
there is always someone to tell you
that you are wrong.
There are always difficulties arising
which tempt you to believe that your
critics are right.
To map out a course of action
and follow it to an end
requires courage.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Joined: Jul 2001
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FR -- I have those same feelings.
I've chalked it up to self-confidence.
I know exactly what I want, what I find acceptable and unacceptable. It all seems pretty black and white. I'm very conscious of values and integrity and if I see someone operating outside of their value system, I have no problem calling them on it, and moving on.
Part of it too is that I have a 10 foot wall around myself and am very very very cautious about who gets past it and how far.
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I'm matter-of-fact, black and white too now.
I think it has something to do with the fact that we aren't "glossing" over imperfection's we would before when engaging in the beginning of a romantic relationship.
We all have learned what happens when we don't pay attention to the "red flags" flying, and ignoring what our guts tell us. I think I am more aware of it, aaannnnnddd
I'm not willing to spend one more day of my life in regret.
I mean it this way, I will surely regret much more my decision to engage in a non-healthy relationship later(not paying attention to red flags) than I will for possibly passing up Miss Right because I am short and to the point while on the first 1,2,3 dates.
Does that make sense?
Rebornman
"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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