I'm not divorced yet. For those of you who have been by my side, you are probably rolling your eyes. Anyway, we are finally moving foward on settlement and it shouldn't be too much longer.

My question is this... I'd like to date, enjoy another grown up's company. However, I've been filling my life. Between the girls, work, home projects, getting fit and now a new puppy, I doubt I'll have any time for anyone else.

So, here's the question: How do you fill your life, yet leave room for someone to come into it?

And can I just casually date if I don't want to make room for that kind of relationship?

Sounds like you are doing all of the right things. The thing to do after a divorce is to fill your life with things that make you happy and fulfilled. If you find the right person he will just fit in.

Of course casually date for awhile if you want to.

GG---

I admire you, and my eyes have not moved!!

I don't all your story line, but I know it's been a long process.

I agree. It does sound like you are doing all the right things. And maybe some of it is to busy yourself, or maybe you will get some of it done, so that when you do meet someone, you will have time for that and be able to give it the proper attention.

If he would be the right guy, it will all fall into place.

Good to hear from you, and I hope things are progressing well for you.

Karona

As with anything in life, it's about priorities.
Now, I know that many things are priorities for you - particularly your children, so how do you fit someone in?

I won't date on my time with my children, or even mention dating to them. I find I'm taking time away from household chores and time with friends, but then my to do list keeps growing. The person I'm seeing had a full life before he met me, keeps up with his friends and introduces me as it happens. He also values his solitary time, so that helps. I couldn't imagine someone who demanded more of my time. My date seems to respect my time, as well as his own.

Keep in touch, I haven't heard from you in a while, and I'm off again tomorrow - to the Twin cities.

Thanks, everyone. The funny thing is, I didn't set out to do the right things. I'm just one of those people who thinks there are 36 hours in a day. I suppose some might fall into place, but I rather doubt it.

First, I don't have time to meet anyone. Second, if I did meet someone, I'd have to rush home to take care of my puppy who needs lots of training and love. Third, I'ms so so sooooooo enjoying arranging my life the way I want it arranged.

GG,

They way you feel right now is EXACTLY the way I feel right now. I'm really, really, really busy and loving it. I wonder the same things as you about myself.

I think I've come to the conclusion that if I'd met that special someone I would want to make time for them, that's how I'd know they are special!

Hey I could always spend the time I spend on MB on them instead!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Miker

Miker, that's so true. I haven't even been here that much. LOL.

Does it help to consider that these "things" that fill your life are not necessarily square blocks that fit together with no room in between? More like a jar filled with pebbles?

Aren't the best relationships those that you can share the rest of your life with? - not separate blocks that need to fit somewhere? - water to fill the spaces bewtween the pebbles?

WAT

GG,

if he's the right person for you, things will fall into place, both of your priorities will change.

When I was dating my now husband:

If I was working in the yard, he'd come over and help.

If I was cleaning my garage, he would come over and offer his assistance.

If I had an activity for my kids sometimes he would go, sometimes he wouldn't.

If I was going out with friends, sometimes he would go with us, sometimes he would go with his friends and meet us there.

Just know, that things will fall into place, and you won't have to force them.

I agree with ThornedRose. If a relationship makes you feel like you are having to choose between what is important to you and spending time with your "partner," then you're probably not with the right person.

This is partly why I am so frustrated with my current situation. The woman I am interested in has a very busy life, and it doesn't look like she could possibly have time for a relationship. The vast majority of her friends and work associates are female, and of all her male friends, she probably knows me best - certainly I'm the one unmarried man she knows best. Why? Because we have parallel pursuits and interests. If she wanted to develop our relationship further, the cost to her in time and energy would be minimal. It's a situation that would have "win-win" written all over it.

But love seldom seems to consult an efficiency expert...

Hmm. Good points. So, if I find a man who understands that I have to rush home to a dog, that I can't go out for dinner after work because I have to mow the lawn, that I can only lie on the sofa and moan because I've just move 4 cu. yards of mulch in one day, that no, tonight's bill-paying night, I've got to clean the house, and back for teh girls bake sale, a man who would understand all that is the man for me.

Gnome, it's not like there's sand

Are all of these things you are doing important, or just stuff to keep you busy?

I have to admit that if I dated a woman who considered her dog a higher priority than me, I would be gone.

JE - Dogs need to be taken care of. In theory, adult men don't. Being a dog owner means being responsible for the well-being of another living creature that can't take care of itself. For many of us, that responsibility predates any potentional relationship.

When I dated men who didn't like my dogs, they were history real fast. Bottom line is for me, the right man would be into dogs because they are a big part of my life. I would not get involved with someone who expected me to choose him over something (anything) else that was important to me. Not happening!

BTW, every once in awhile my dogs distrusted someone I dated. I learned to trust their judgement. They usually knew something about the person that I hadn't learned yet.

GG
You asked if you couldn't just date "casually" if you didn't want an involved relationship right now. Why couldn't you?? I think that the main thing is that you be honest and upfront with anyone you date. Tell them that you're just looking to go out and enjoy another adult's company, have a little fun, but not looking for anything serious at this time.

And yes there are some men out there who are willing to jump in and help with yardwork and understand the need to let a puppy out. Sometimes working alongside each other can be enjoyable. That was something my xWS and I really enjoyed doing together. I helped do yardwork with a man I dated. We weren't in a long term relationship. Both agreed we would date because we liked each other's company, but weren't exclusive with each other. He helped repair a door frame of mine and sharpened my lawn mower blade....and often made us dinner!! Of course you have to mix the work with a little fun now and then, but you deserve it!

GDP,
You mentioned that "If a relationship makes you feel like you are having to choose between what is important to you and spending time with your "partner", then you're probably not with the right person." I find it interesting that you compare "what is important to you" vs. spending time with your partner! I would hope that they were one and the same for both of you. I don't think that choices and priorities will ever go away. I believe that every healthy relationship has them. It's how they're resolved.

Have you specifically told the woman you're seeing that you would like more time with her? Have you asked her if she'd be willing to make you a higher priority and spend more time with her? She's not a mind reader. You talk about her having such a busy life that she doesn't have much time for a relationship...and then go on to say she could have time for a relationship with you because of common interests, etc. It's all about choice. POJA at a dating level! If she doesn't agree with you, then she's not the right person for YOU, unless YOU choose to change your choices, values, priorities.

This is an issue that troubles me quite a bit. I have a busy life with lots of things I want to do. I really can't see giving things up for a spouse anymore. Been there and done that - here I am now, wishing I'd done some of these things while I was younger and realizing that the "investment" I made in my spouse didn't last.

Heartmending - Are you saying that spending time with your partner is what is supposed to be THE thing that is important? What if a person has other things that are important too? When I was dating (before my current M) I was not interested in men who had no life, but were just waiting for a woman to come along and make them whole.

Maybe I don't belong in a relationship. That's a possibility I may have to consider.

DV
Maybe I misunderstood GDP's comparison. I thought the implication was that the other person was in some way "forcing" GDP to make a choice between her or other things important to GDP...just so she could fit him into her busy schedule. Fitting GDP into her busy schedule might mean GDP giving up other things important to him.

Let's say that GDP loved playing golf. He belonged to a team that played regularly on Tuesday nights. The only time this woman was willing to "fit him in" to spend time together was on Tuesday evenings. She wasn't willing to try and make another day or time available. If GDP didn't like it....oh well. She wasn't interested enough in him to give him priority over some of her other interests and activities. She wasn't willing to try and find a time that might work for both of them. So, does he choose to give up golfing with his team...which he loves..to spend time with the other woman during the only time she's willing to see him?

Some people might choose to give up golf just to be with this woman. Others might feel that spending time with her isn't worth giving up other things important to themselves.
I don't see this as making either person "wrong", just not a good match.

Bottom line is that you're the one who chooses what's most important in your life. I was just saying that if you want this other person in your life, hopefully they would be on your list of what's important to you...not forcing you to choose between all other things you want or them.

I should know better than to take on a dog owner. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I never stated that a dog should be mistreated, or that I don't like dogs. But, there are ways to care for an animal and still leave time for that somebody special in one's life.

And, as a human male, let me state that I do need somebody to care for me, not in the same way as a pet, but it is part of my makeup as a human being.

You know what? I came on too strong about this. I'm sorry.

Interesting. I think DejaVu I have the same fear: I don't belong in a relationship. In various ways, B. hinted at that. He thought I was too inflexible. LOL. If he thought I was inflexible before, he should see me now.

Then, I'm bitter too. I like men, and I believe everyone should get married once in their life. However, marriage is a HUGE risk. I was madly in love, and look how my marriage turned out! How could I trust myself to be wiser another time?

A serious relationship without marriage is not a path I want to show to my children. Besides, I don't plan on introducing any men to my children until it's very serious.

JE, I think it's also wise to keep in mind that the men here are not typical. Typical men seem to put their dogs, their hobbies, their buddies, and their job before their girlfriends. Unless of course, they don't have any of those things.

Yup, the pets are a responsibility. Dating is a privilege. Now, the dog might can wait 1-2 hrs for dinner and not be too weirded out but it does have to go out sometimes. And that is harder to wait for.

That is the downside to having dogs. Cats are easier.

And can you date casually? You bet! After all, if you don't do that, how do you ever get to anything more.

A date here and a date there gives you a chance to figure out what traits are most desirable or less desirable. (And if your dog doesn't like him, you should think again.)