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I'm not divorced yet. For those of you who have been by my side, you are probably rolling your eyes. Anyway, we are finally moving foward on settlement and it shouldn't be too much longer.

My question is this... I'd like to date, enjoy another grown up's company. However, I've been filling my life. Between the girls, work, home projects, getting fit and now a new puppy, I doubt I'll have any time for anyone else.

So, here's the question: How do you fill your life, yet leave room for someone to come into it?

And can I just casually date if I don't want to make room for that kind of relationship?


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Sounds like you are doing all of the right things. The thing to do after a divorce is to fill your life with things that make you happy and fulfilled. If you find the right person he will just fit in.

Of course casually date for awhile if you want to.


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GG---

I admire you, and my eyes have not moved!!

I don't all your story line, but I know it's been a long process.

I agree. It does sound like you are doing all the right things. And maybe some of it is to busy yourself, or maybe you will get some of it done, so that when you do meet someone, you will have time for that and be able to give it the proper attention.

If he would be the right guy, it will all fall into place.

Good to hear from you, and I hope things are progressing well for you.

Karona


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As with anything in life, it's about priorities.
Now, I know that many things are priorities for you - particularly your children, so how do you fit someone in?

I won't date on my time with my children, or even mention dating to them. I find I'm taking time away from household chores and time with friends, but then my to do list keeps growing. The person I'm seeing had a full life before he met me, keeps up with his friends and introduces me as it happens. He also values his solitary time, so that helps. I couldn't imagine someone who demanded more of my time. My date seems to respect my time, as well as his own.

Keep in touch, I haven't heard from you in a while, and I'm off again tomorrow - to the Twin cities.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Thanks, everyone. The funny thing is, I didn't set out to do the right things. I'm just one of those people who thinks there are 36 hours in a day. I suppose some might fall into place, but I rather doubt it.

First, I don't have time to meet anyone. Second, if I did meet someone, I'd have to rush home to take care of my puppy who needs lots of training and love. Third, I'ms so so sooooooo enjoying arranging my life the way I want it arranged.


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GG,

They way you feel right now is EXACTLY the way I feel right now. I'm really, really, really busy and loving it. I wonder the same things as you about myself.

I think I've come to the conclusion that if I'd met that special someone I would want to make time for them, that's how I'd know they are special!

Hey I could always spend the time I spend on MB on them instead!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Miker


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She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
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Miker, that's so true. I haven't even been here that much. LOL.


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So, here's the question: How do you fill your life, yet leave room for someone to come into it?

Does it help to consider that these "things" that fill your life are not necessarily square blocks that fit together with no room in between? More like a jar filled with pebbles?

Aren't the best relationships those that you can share the rest of your life with? - not separate blocks that need to fit somewhere? - water to fill the spaces bewtween the pebbles?

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GG,

if he's the right person for you, things will fall into place, both of your priorities will change.

When I was dating my now husband:

If I was working in the yard, he'd come over and help.

If I was cleaning my garage, he would come over and offer his assistance.

If I had an activity for my kids sometimes he would go, sometimes he wouldn't.

If I was going out with friends, sometimes he would go with us, sometimes he would go with his friends and meet us there.

Just know, that things will fall into place, and you won't have to force them.


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I agree with ThornedRose. If a relationship makes you feel like you are having to choose between what is important to you and spending time with your "partner," then you're probably not with the right person.

This is partly why I am so frustrated with my current situation. The woman I am interested in has a very busy life, and it doesn't look like she could possibly have time for a relationship. The vast majority of her friends and work associates are female, and of all her male friends, she probably knows me best - certainly I'm the one unmarried man she knows best. Why? Because we have parallel pursuits and interests. If she wanted to develop our relationship further, the cost to her in time and energy would be minimal. It's a situation that would have "win-win" written all over it.

But love seldom seems to consult an efficiency expert...


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Hmm. Good points. So, if I find a man who understands that I have to rush home to a dog, that I can't go out for dinner after work because I have to mow the lawn, that I can only lie on the sofa and moan because I've just move 4 cu. yards of mulch in one day, that no, tonight's bill-paying night, I've got to clean the house, and back for teh girls bake sale, a man who would understand all that is the man for me.

Gnome, it's not like there's sand


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Are all of these things you are doing important, or just stuff to keep you busy?

I have to admit that if I dated a woman who considered her dog a higher priority than me, I would be gone.


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JE - Dogs need to be taken care of. In theory, adult men don't. Being a dog owner means being responsible for the well-being of another living creature that can't take care of itself. For many of us, that responsibility predates any potentional relationship.

When I dated men who didn't like my dogs, they were history real fast. Bottom line is for me, the right man would be into dogs because they are a big part of my life. I would not get involved with someone who expected me to choose him over something (anything) else that was important to me. Not happening!

BTW, every once in awhile my dogs distrusted someone I dated. I learned to trust their judgement. They usually knew something about the person that I hadn't learned yet.


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GG
You asked if you couldn't just date "casually" if you didn't want an involved relationship right now. Why couldn't you?? I think that the main thing is that you be honest and upfront with anyone you date. Tell them that you're just looking to go out and enjoy another adult's company, have a little fun, but not looking for anything serious at this time.

And yes there are some men out there who are willing to jump in and help with yardwork and understand the need to let a puppy out. Sometimes working alongside each other can be enjoyable. That was something my xWS and I really enjoyed doing together. I helped do yardwork with a man I dated. We weren't in a long term relationship. Both agreed we would date because we liked each other's company, but weren't exclusive with each other. He helped repair a door frame of mine and sharpened my lawn mower blade....and often made us dinner!! Of course you have to mix the work with a little fun now and then, but you deserve it!

GDP,
You mentioned that "If a relationship makes you feel like you are having to choose between what is important to you and spending time with your "partner", then you're probably not with the right person." I find it interesting that you compare "what is important to you" vs. spending time with your partner! I would hope that they were one and the same for both of you. I don't think that choices and priorities will ever go away. I believe that every healthy relationship has them. It's how they're resolved.

Have you specifically told the woman you're seeing that you would like more time with her? Have you asked her if she'd be willing to make you a higher priority and spend more time with her? She's not a mind reader. You talk about her having such a busy life that she doesn't have much time for a relationship...and then go on to say she could have time for a relationship with you because of common interests, etc. It's all about choice. POJA at a dating level! If she doesn't agree with you, then she's not the right person for YOU, unless YOU choose to change your choices, values, priorities.

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I find it interesting that you compare "what is important to you" vs. spending time with your partner! I would hope that they were one and the same for both of you.

This is an issue that troubles me quite a bit. I have a busy life with lots of things I want to do. I really can't see giving things up for a spouse anymore. Been there and done that - here I am now, wishing I'd done some of these things while I was younger and realizing that the "investment" I made in my spouse didn't last.

Heartmending - Are you saying that spending time with your partner is what is supposed to be THE thing that is important? What if a person has other things that are important too? When I was dating (before my current M) I was not interested in men who had no life, but were just waiting for a woman to come along and make them whole.

Maybe I don't belong in a relationship. That's a possibility I may have to consider.


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Maybe I misunderstood GDP's comparison. I thought the implication was that the other person was in some way "forcing" GDP to make a choice between her or other things important to GDP...just so she could fit him into her busy schedule. Fitting GDP into her busy schedule might mean GDP giving up other things important to him.

Let's say that GDP loved playing golf. He belonged to a team that played regularly on Tuesday nights. The only time this woman was willing to "fit him in" to spend time together was on Tuesday evenings. She wasn't willing to try and make another day or time available. If GDP didn't like it....oh well. She wasn't interested enough in him to give him priority over some of her other interests and activities. She wasn't willing to try and find a time that might work for both of them. So, does he choose to give up golfing with his team...which he loves..to spend time with the other woman during the only time she's willing to see him?

Some people might choose to give up golf just to be with this woman. Others might feel that spending time with her isn't worth giving up other things important to themselves.
I don't see this as making either person "wrong", just not a good match.

Bottom line is that you're the one who chooses what's most important in your life. I was just saying that if you want this other person in your life, hopefully they would be on your list of what's important to you...not forcing you to choose between all other things you want or them.

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I should know better than to take on a dog owner. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I never stated that a dog should be mistreated, or that I don't like dogs. But, there are ways to care for an animal and still leave time for that somebody special in one's life.

And, as a human male, let me state that I do need somebody to care for me, not in the same way as a pet, but it is part of my makeup as a human being.


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You know what? I came on too strong about this. I'm sorry.


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Interesting. I think DejaVu I have the same fear: I don't belong in a relationship. In various ways, B. hinted at that. He thought I was too inflexible. LOL. If he thought I was inflexible before, he should see me now.

Then, I'm bitter too. I like men, and I believe everyone should get married once in their life. However, marriage is a HUGE risk. I was madly in love, and look how my marriage turned out! How could I trust myself to be wiser another time?

A serious relationship without marriage is not a path I want to show to my children. Besides, I don't plan on introducing any men to my children until it's very serious.

JE, I think it's also wise to keep in mind that the men here are not typical. Typical men seem to put their dogs, their hobbies, their buddies, and their job before their girlfriends. Unless of course, they don't have any of those things.


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Yup, the pets are a responsibility. Dating is a privilege. Now, the dog might can wait 1-2 hrs for dinner and not be too weirded out but it does have to go out sometimes. And that is harder to wait for.

That is the downside to having dogs. Cats are easier.

And can you date casually? You bet! After all, if you don't do that, how do you ever get to anything more.

A date here and a date there gives you a chance to figure out what traits are most desirable or less desirable. (And if your dog doesn't like him, you should think again.)

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A serious relationship without marriage is not a path I want to show to my children. Besides, I don't plan on introducing any men to my children until it's very serious.

Don't know how old your children are and if they're pretty young I might be inclined to agree with you to a point.

But please consider another view.

When I started dating I too had some angst about what my son would think and whether I should tell him what was going on. He was 13 at the time. I decided that honesty was the best policy - as always - and since it was a given that I'd be describing him to my dates, even if just in casual conversation to a "fun" date, it made sense I'd describe to him that first, I was beginning to date, and second, that it was important to my happiness that I be doing this, and third, to hopefully get his encouragement. I thought it was important for him to see his Dad "recover" in all respects and that this would be a valuable lesson for him. You CAN recover from anything life throws at you. We were both still recovering from the loss of his brother, not to mention the loss of the family unit that was left over.

Wow, was he terrific! He was so enthusiastic that I was dating that in course I invited several dates to our home for dinner including him. He tried real hard to give a good impression and even helped tidy the house and cook and clean up more than his "share." - so I could be freer to entertain. It was win-win. The dates adored him and it gave a good impression of me as his Dad. Afterward I would intently listten to his "advice" and "approval" or "disapproval" of the dates, even if I had different conclusions. I allowed him to be part of the process, sorta. Today he has a wonderful relationship with my SO - because, I think, he was in on the ground floor.

WAT

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Hmm. Good points. So, if I find a man who understands that I have to rush home to a dog, that I can't go out for dinner after work because I have to mow the lawn, that I can only lie on the sofa and moan because I've just move 4 cu. yards of mulch in one day, that no, tonight's bill-paying night, I've got to clean the house, and back for teh girls bake sale, a man who would understand all that is the man for me.

Gnome, it's not like there's sand
Sand? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I have no idea how to interpret that.

GG, you make a good point. It's been suggested to me that if I want kids, perhaps at my age I should find myself a single mother instead of holding out for a younger woman with whom I can try to construct them from scratch. My preferred strategy is to fill my life with activities I would choose to do without actively engaging in "the hunt," and then see where the friendships which naturally develop out of those activities seem to want to go. However, by doing this, I don't meet many single parents, let alone get to know them! It's not surprising, considering that I don't even see much of my friends from ten or so years ago due to the way their focus has shifted so much toward their children's lives. We're simply not doing the same things.

It seems to me that single parents with sole custody are in a real bind when it comes to dating. They have virtually no opportunity. And all active parents' involvement in their children's lives mean that most of their social interactions with adults are likely to be with other parents (married or not). Single parents with joint custody are in yet another difficult situation. They may have more opportunities to date (if they so choose to structure their lives), but it is like they are living in two disconnected worlds.

Some worlds - some lives - are just very hard to draw together.

I guess I still lean toward the idea that it is best to develop relationships where you are. If where you are is "in the hunt," then you've got to sacrifice other interests in order to make those opportunities happen. It's all in what's most important to you. For myself, the dating scene has far less appeal than my current lifestyle. I'd rather get fulfillment out of what I am doing - which is pretty much guaranteed - than hope that somehow by participating in the crapshoot I'll get lucky. Considering that I'm not likely to be interested in a woman whose top priority is playing that same crapshoot, I don't like my chances with that approach.

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GDP,
You mentioned that "If a relationship makes you feel like you are having to choose between what is important to you and spending time with your "partner", then you're probably not with the right person." I find it interesting that you compare "what is important to you" vs. spending time with your partner! I would hope that they were one and the same for both of you. I don't think that choices and priorities will ever go away. I believe that every healthy relationship has them. It's how they're resolved.
Yes, spending time with your partner should be important to you. But if the only thing that is important to you is spending time with your partner, then you've got a dependency rather than a relationship. You're right, you're always going to have to wrestle with choices and priorities, but I believe that in a good match the decisions will be a lot less costly.

For example, my ex-wife did not understand the difference between making a compromise and compromising herself. She said that in a marriage of all places one should be free to be oneself, and she seemed to interpret that as meaning that she should be able to do whatever she wanted to do. Now, to be fair to her, she loved me and she had a highly developed sense of responsibility, so what she wanted to do sometimes involved doing nice things for me, and she didn't go out and get into trouble. But negotiating didn't sit well with her.

What this meant for me was that if I wanted to spend time with her, I went along with her on whatever she was doing. This actually worked pretty well, because I was interested and involved in the things she did. In other words, the choice I had to make was not between doing what she wanted to do just so I could be with her or doing what I wanted to do, but rather it was between different things that I myself wanted to do. Factoring in the chance to spend time with her just tended to make my decision easier.

OK, I'll admit that I'm being overly simplistic. Part of my make-up is getting a sense of personal fulfillment out of helping others, and in particular I liked helping my wife with her various projects. If she had no interest in helping me out with my projects, well, that was fine with me, because I've got an independent streak that makes me like to see what I can accomplish without help.

What I'm trying to say is that, even though the dynamics of our relationship were unhealthy, we were well suited to each other. And this taught me that, even though with enough effort you can make just about any relationship work, it's a whole lot easier and a whole lot more enjoyable when you start out with high degrees of compatibility and complementarity.

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GDP,
Have you specifically told the woman you're seeing that you would like more time with her? Have you asked her if she'd be willing to make you a higher priority and spend more time with her? She's not a mind reader. You talk about her having such a busy life that she doesn't have much time for a relationship...and then go on to say she could have time for a relationship with you because of common interests, etc. It's all about choice. POJA at a dating level! If she doesn't agree with you, then she's not the right person for YOU, unless YOU choose to change your choices, values, priorities.
Thanks, heartmending, but we've talked through everything that's appropriate at this point. The problem is, she does not want anything more than friendship with me. I believe we would actually spend more time together if it were not for her awareness of my interest in her. This has caused her to set some boundaries which unfortunately are sometimes inconvenient for her. Arguably, the only choice I can make to improve matters would be to convince myself that we aren't right for each other.

Regrettably, I am not able to do that. I tried for well over a year to find a reason to believe we wouldn't be perfect for each other, and in the end I gave up. I have found much greater peace just accepting that we're not likely to ever be more than friends, no matter how much of a wasted opportunity it appears to be for both of us. After all, I don't believe that missing one opportunity is enough to thwart God's purposes for our lives.

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Then, I'm bitter too. I like men,

Let me remind you of a quote from JustLearning:

"Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".

You like men. Great. Men like you! Be careful, but don't be bitter. And you are right about not introducing your children to men you date until you are reasonably sure it is a meaningful relationship. You are wise not to mess with your children's well being.


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HEY GG...

Alas, I am in same quandry...

Here's my issues: How do I make time when I have to do the following:
be there for my son
clean house
take son to sports events (now in swim team for summer)
take care of 1 dog, 1 puppy and 1 bird
work over 40 hrs/wk
take call 1 week out of month (means becoming an insomniac/and caffeine drinker extrodinaire for a week at a time)
study for subspecialty exam i am taking in october
preparing for GRE test also in fall/winter
trying to workout/keep in shape.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try to workout or keep in shape...hell it's friday night and I came home from a stressful work week (son is with the sith lord x of mine this weekend until wed), fell alseep and woke up at eight on a weekend...not exciting stuff...and I even bought some new makeup instructional videos to "vamp" me up a notch...and the 9 week body makeover. hve I watched any of the videos? Nah. Not yet. Have I been to gym this week. Nah...Not yet. But I am going ads it's open until 11 tonight.

I think this is why I only meet as of late, people at work or are in my profession to date...they "get" this schedule and I can have option to talk and see them...but just not out in public..at work...so that's wierd. But then again, I work at a large facility, one of 3 largest in georgia..like a mini city which serves 15 counties.

I think maybe if you feel like it when the big D is over, dating somebody who understands how you feel like a "stretch armstrong" (70's analogy...a toy I knew as a kid...)and can be ok with this.

glad you're doing well...it is muddy waters we're trying to navigate in...nothing is the clear path.

My friends tell me that when I know I am with the guy who's "the one" for me, it will make sense...but how can you even make sense when sometimes you are so tired from being pulled a thousand directions a day?

It is hilarious..my aunt in los angeles has a famous psychic she uses...she recently had a reading and it was about ME of all things...she's trying to figure out what in the heck is going on in my life..and wanted to know what the future held for me.

Ironically the psycic said (without her EVER telling any one thing about me) that 1)I had already met my "one" 2)because of my life issues right now, I do not recognize him as the one...our lives are too demanding at this very point and 3)I am not going to recognize that he is "the one" until after I get into school again and finish up what i have to do...

so how can a psycic 3000 miles away from me without knowing a single thing about me say that? wierd huh?

Maybe we just need a psycic to tell us when we can date successfully and when to stick our heads into the sand again.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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Then, I'm bitter too. I like men, and I believe everyone should get married once in their life. However, marriage is a HUGE risk. I was madly in love, and look how my marriage turned out! How could I trust myself to be wiser another time?

Avoiding bitterness is the main reason for dating again, IMO. When my first M ended, my father told me he was worried about my bitterness. He told me a story about a woman he knew who was still mad and hating men after many years had passed, and he didn't want me to end up like that. I realized at that moment that I needed to get to know some men as people and not think of them as potential back-stabbers.

The issue of trusting oneself to make good choices is a whole 'nother deal, though. I have TWO failed marriages now, with similar characteristics (that I can see now, but didn't see before). How do you spell "c-o-l-d f-e-e-t"?


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...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006
Joined: Apr 2005
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Hi GG,

I'm just droping in for a quick visit.

You sound like you're moving on in the right direction & happy about it. A little bit too "cautious" about men in general?

Sounds like you're preparing to want a man in your life, not that you want one now. That's fine, you're not pushing yourself into anything, good for you.

I'm not divorced yet either. But I have taken an interest in meeting men. I'm looking at dating sites, yahoo personals mostly, just to see who's out there. I've seen plenty of people I'd like to chat with online. I've written my profile but don't have a picture yet. I've been talking about for a month or so but it's obviously not a big priority.

The idea of a date sounds exciting but I think chating online for a while will likely be the way I go. I'd like to make some male friends, not necessarily with the idea of moving on to date them, just learning how to interact with them on a more personal level than I would were I married.

Good luck with the dog!


Formerly nam here since 07/31/03 coastal, CT
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You all are great. I'm not sure my bitterness extends to poison. I certainly don't think it's ruining my life. Personally, I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm not bitter over the break up of my marriage. I'm just bitter over my marriage itself.

I did almost everything wrong. I let my Giver run wild. And when my Taker started LBing and taking back some control, I found MB and put my Giver back in charge until I started to really screw up.

I'm not sure I even feel bitterness toward B. We just brought out the worst in each other. I DO feel bitterness toward the instituation of marraige. I feel jaded and skeptical, even cynical at times. I think that's one of the things that has me worried.

I don't want to so orchastrate my life that I shut out new people. At the same time, I am so enjoying being able to do the things I want to do. Paint the walls the colors I want to, fix up the house, put in flower beds, take the road I want to into town.

It's nice to look foward to coming home.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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GG - I can relate. I'm having the same feelings.

Maybe you just need time to do these things by yourself, for yourself. Then if you do meet someone down the road, you'll have a choice between two good options.


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006
Joined: Jan 2001
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Hi GG, glad I found you Im back

I am just learning to navigate this new site, I couldnt log in for quite awhile and was studying hard <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (and playing some in my limited spare time) I was wondering how you were. I didnt have time to read everything, be back later.

What kind of puppy did ya get? We got a chihuahua in march


XH has multiple addictions. 26 year history of drug&alcohol problems, physical as well as emotional abuse.

Divorced 11-03

Engaged to former sweetheart from my youth, God is Good!

GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!!!! Passed my first (and hardest) of 3 medical boards 10-12-07

I am trusting God.

if you keep you face to the sunshine; you will never see the shadows Helen Keller
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Hey Sunrise, Jinx is a standard-bred poodle. Standards are the BIG poodles, sort of the opposite end of the spectrum from chiuauas.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Jul 2003
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Hey, GG - did you know, standard poodles make great agility dogs? What color is he? I love to watch them run.


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
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I knew Standards were good for a lot, from hunting to policing to therapy. Jinx is Parti colored, which means he's two colors, black and white. It's a non-regulation color so he's not allowed in the show ring. As if I'd force him into a silly poodle cut! Right now, only his face looks like a poodle, but he'll grow into it. He's soooooo smart.

I knew I needed a man in my life. Turns out I needed one with LOTS of curly hair, bushy eyebrows and dark brown eyes, smart to boot. oops. I think I just described my STBX. Oh, no, that's right STBX didn't have 4 legs. Whoo. That was close.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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