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Joined: May 2005
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I'm feeling so down today. I was M'd young and my H was abusive, so I D'd him and moved away. Many years later I M'd my current H and I thought he was so wonderful - we dated a long time and I really thought I knew him and that I was making the right choice. Fast forward to the new H, who is nothing like the H I married, he has had an A, slept w/ prostitutes, drinks alcohol constantly (sometimes starting at 8am), has been extremely cruel and threatened me many times and I had to call the police, and now we are divorcing b/c he refuses to have NC w/ the OW and do anything positive for our M.

I feel like a complete fool & failure. Yes, I've gone to therapy for the last year to figure out why I M'd men who are, as our MC described my current H, a narcissist at best.

Here's my question: now that I've figured out how I made such bad decisions and repaired that part of me, I wonder who would possibly want to ever be with me or marry me? I always wanted to have a family and children, but I feel like it's hopeless now. I think I have a lot of great qualities to offer someone, and I'm told that I'm very pretty, but who would even date someone who's twice divorced?!? I feel like my dreams for children and a family are hopeless and I have to resign myself to that. On the other hand, my H will probably marry one of his college OWs or a prostitute and they will live in our house, have children, and all the wonderful things that come with that, while I am alone for the rest of my life.

This is not what I expected of my life. I was raised as a Christian and I really don't believe in divorce. With the first M, I felt like I didn't have a choice. With this M, I did not file for D because I wanted to work things out, but my H filed and said he would only withdraw if I met his demands (very abusive and humiliating demands, very cruel). I'm very sad because I'm not the one who had As or was mean to my spouse, and yet I'm probably the one who will be living alone for the rest of my life and who will never have children.

Is there any realistic hope for me to get M'd again and have a family? Sorry, I'm just feeling down and like I have nothing left to look forward to in life except just going through the motions until my time has come. (no, I would never harm myself, I just feel like my dreams are hopeless and I might as well live in a convent - I'm just very, very sad - I feel like I'm suffering the consequences of my H's A's and abuse while he is merrily going on with his life) ...

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There's always hope. And none of us can predict the future.

That's the only advice I have for you - all of us need to have faith in the future in order to move on. Especially if the past and/or present don't look that great.

Victor Frankl wrote a book, "Man's Search for Meaning" - about how some people survive no matter what because they have hope or some kind of commitment to hang on to. He based his research (and logotheraphy that he invented as a result) in part on his experiences in the Nazi concentration camps - where people really had reasons to lose hope. Those who found something to hang onto - a belief in the future - were the ones who survived. Those who "gave up" ... didn't.


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006
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Butterscotch, You are castrophizing! I know that because I was an expert in doing the same thing. The fact that you have sought help to work through what caused the poor choices is a big plus. Men are interested in who you are today, not what you were in the past. Sure, a smart man will see the two divorces as an area of concern, but you can overcome that by showing him your are mentally and emotionally healthy.

Discover yourself and what you want. Be your own best friend. Do good things for yourself. Don't worry about who will like you or not like you. You can't predict the future so avoid fortune telling. You can't get inside another person's head so avoid trying to be a mind read. Be yourself. Soon you will be so desirable, you won't be able to get rid of the guys.


Just another guy exploring middle age.
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You have to look into why you failed to see the red flags on your exH's so that you won't make the same mistakes again. You will someone but you have to be ready to recognize him. Since you have mentioned you are a Christian, make HIM the center of your life fo HE is the One who know which guy you should build relationship with. The Lord has your guy's name and address <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.
-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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Butterscotch,

Yummy! My favorite flavor but I digress.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

There is 2 ways you can look at this,

You are 32 years old, 2 marriages and be thankful you DIDN'T have children with either husband (something you really need to be thankful for at this point....mix kids in with what you've been through and all that goes with it...YIKES!)

OR

You can be 32 years old, starting fresh, with a new wealth of knowledge and life experiences to share with another.

Who cares if you've been married twice? Did you learn anything is the real issue?

Really Butterscotch, It would have to be something I don't like about you rather than the fact you have been married twice. It seems weird you would worry about somebody holding your marriages against you considering abuse and cheating.

I mean you were beaten and cheated on right? Think about that for a second....How could someone hold that against you?

You made 2 bad choices, didn't make it worse by having kids with them and now you can find the man who will father your children someday. You are prime pickings Butterscotch, older, more mature, no baggage (kids), and there are MANY, MANY men looking for someone like that to start their own family with.

Heck, I didn't have my first kid till I was 32, a lot of folks are starting families later in life since they focus on their career in their 20's.

You're alright, now have your pity party, get it out of your system and go have some fun.

OK?

RebornMan

ps- I can't have kids anymore but have 4 that could use a good Mother figure.....auditioning women for the position right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by RebornMan; 05/21/05 02:47 PM.

"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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Quote
I think I have a lot of great qualities to offer someone, and I'm told that I'm very pretty, but who would even date someone who's twice divorced?!?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Look, butterscotch, feelings are one thing - I know a little of that internal "failure" voice, having grown up in a family where you have to climb up and down the family tree a bit before you find anyone else who is divorced - but it appears to me like you've got some pretty comfortable facts to work with. Given even the most superficial facts, your divorces are not going to make a guy think twice. (One time yes, but believe me, you don't want a guy who wouldn't think things through that one time, no matter whether your history included divorces or not.)

In fact, it appears to me that pretty much the only obstacle you've got to worry about is your own belief that no one would want you. You are very fortunate that that one obstacle is something you can actually do something about!

Work on becoming the person you believe you ought to be - the person you believe God wants you to be - and give your self-esteem a chance to build. (Healing does take time.) Try to view your past as a valuable pool of learning experiences which you can take with you into the future. And try to give at least some members of the male population enough credit for being able to see what is and is not important.


Profile: male in mid forties
History: deserted after 10+ years of marriage, and divorced; no communication since the summer of 2000
Status: new marriage October 2008
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Butterscotch,
I've been married and divorced twice. The second divorce was due to an affair by my xWS. I very much want to marry again. I love having a partner to come home to. I miss touch so much! I have been doing some dating for the past year. The men have been aware that I have been divorced twice. I'm 50 years old, have always been overweight, so it's not like I'm the prime age and weight many men look for. But I have been dating.

Also, one of my best friends is in her 3rd marriage. She has never been happier. She dearly loves her current husband and is still "in love" with him after a number of years of marriage. She didn't want children, so that was never an issues (of course she does "parent" 6 dogs and 3 cats!!) Her situation gives me hope. I've yet to figure if it's "three strikes and you're out", or "the third time's a charm"!

Lots of men like it that you come with no children, as they don't have to struggle with an ex-spouse and visitation. Many want to start families of their own. As noted, many more women are having children in their late 30s, and early 40s. The quality of pre-natal care for higher risk, older women pregnancies has come a long way. And as someone else noted, thank goodness you didn't have any children with either man. It's hard enough to go through abuse by yourself. If you start to involve your innocent children it hurts even worse, several times over. And...you always have to have some kind of contact with your ex...their father.

I think it would be really scary to have known your 2nd husband for some time, and then have him turn on you! I know that I start to question my own judgment, and wonder if I can ever trust myself again in looking for a relationship. I do go for individual counseling. At least it helps me get a more objective viewpoint about my choices in men.

I remember some women working on co-dependency issues talked about how "I could be in a room full of people, and I'd attract the one guy that wasn't good for me!" Recently I heard the comeback of... "It's not that you attract this sort of man..many people do sooner or later. It's that you give them your phone number!!" (Sorry, I can't remember who to attribute this to.)

So Butterscotch.....Chin up! It's sometimes hard to get your hopes up again after having been wounded twice. But there are men out there who don't have a major issue with two divorces....especially where abuse has been involved.

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Thank you for the kind responses. (I was having a pity party and your responses really helped.) Also, you gave good advice. I guess I'm just having a hard time some days when I feel like I wasted the past 6 years (prime years) w/ my 2nd H and when I know that he is just moving along in his life w/ various OW and will probably get married.

You are all correct, though, I need to see this as an opportunity to build a great life for myself that is free of abuse and cruelty and that hopefully is filled with a great husband and children.

I don't post much on the other boards, but eventually I will be posting here when I'm ready to start dating again. Thank you, everyone. I'll keep you posted...

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Butterscotch, I don't know if you'll see this or not...

You know, you can redefine having a family. It's wonderful to bear your own kids, but it's equally wonderful to adopt children. Each has it's pros and cons. I personally hated being pregnant. Yuck. It was like being invaded by an alien. So, there's that route. There's the Big Sister/Mentor/Auntie route as well.

As far as men go, you might consider just giving it a rest for a while. There will be plenty of men interested, especially since you don't have children. Your work will be in learning how to sort them out, and to erradicate behaviors that make you susceptible to abusers.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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We ALL have our baggage...most DECENT men know this and, as long as the "baggage" isn't tainting the present, there shouldn't be much of an issue.

FWIW, should I get tossed into the dating pool (the jury is still out...evere hopeful! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />), I anticipate explaining (at some point) how it was that I was a WH AND that was a MISTAKE, in the PAST and I have learned from it and MOVED ON...not really good "first date" conversation, is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Honesty is really the only way to go. People respect that and if your past is not affecting your life today, it's really a non-issue...

Go LIVE a full life...

WNB


43yr old FWH who has rediscovered morality Divorced: 03 February 2006 XW: My threads say it all "Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life..."
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Greengables - thank you (yes, I'm still lurking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I have no problem with the idea of adoption, but I think I would not do this unless I had a wonderful man in my life to help me parent.
As far as men go, I am definitely giving it a rest and I've done a lot of work to learn from my mistake. I attract attention from men, but I am not interested and won't be for a while, even if that means that I end up finding someone after I'm able to actually bear children. I tend to attract the wrong kind of person, and I'm still fine-tuning my skills to learn how to detect those people ASAP. Here's an example: I recently attended an important event for my industry, there were both men and women present, but mostly men speaking about their jobs/companies and women as part of the audience. When the speakers were done, one of them made a bee-line to me and passed by some beautiful women trying to get his attention. I could not understand why he singled me out. I later found out that (i) he was M'd (!) and that (ii) he has been charged w/ domestic abuse in the past (!). For some reason, I seem to attract them, but it doesn't mean I have to date them!

WNB - thank you for the perspective. You are right, the best I can do is learn from my mistakes and make sure those mistakes don't affect my present & future. These are very difficult subjects to bring up and I still find myself feeling ashamed, but I'm working on it. I guess I am still a little hopeful that my current H will wake up and start being the man I thought he was, but it would take a miracle - I am praying for it, but I'm leaving it in God's hands as the divorce progresses rapidly.

Thanks, all. This group is great and I hope you don't mind me lurking even though I won't be dating for a while - unless I'm dating my real H (the one I M'd, not the WH he is today). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


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