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"Some experts are agreeing. There are a number of relationship counselors who now believe that keeping an affair a secret may not be a bad thing." This was out of an article that I just read. I think it's crazy. What type of "expert would give advice such as this! Here's the link for the full article. http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?ar...57>1=6542
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Most so-called "experts" are not pro-marriage and are not very successful. This is why Harley is so wildly successful, he *IS* pro-marriage.
The bottom line for me is that keeping an affair a secret is just not logically defensible. I have never seen anyone successfully defend it. I usually see bumper sticker rationales, like "I don't want to hurt the person" that quickly fall apart under minor examination. A 10 year old could see through that flaky "logic."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As long as people pay for the advice they want to hear, there will be advisors (experts) who will take their money and tell them what they want to hear. There are plenty of people who want to be advised to keep it a secret.
-AD
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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You know,that article is just a superficial and flawed sentiment that anyone could have written in 5 minutes.I find no value in it at all.It's as transparent as my office window. And what is worse for me is there are no stats/studies to back up these claims,no real and factual information which is what I always look at when other's suggest certain things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Edited to add: OH and this is also great: read the article below the other one on "Why I date younger women" on Msn.That is a real slap in the face and so completely disturbing that some people think this way.Help me.ugh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Who writes this stuff??? O
BW(me)40
DDay 10/11/03
Divorcing
'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1
~Let Higher Minds Prevail~
---------------
~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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I think that it's probably VERY bad advice to not tell your signifigant other about an affair, it's just taking the easy way out.....does it, by any chance, offer advice when your signifigant other finds out about the *A* and that you've been hiding it all along? Talk about adding insult to injury.
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Just don't know:
Would be Funny actually, ....If there weren't people out there reading and buying into this stuff.
Did you get the guys answer when asked "if he would do it again"?
Of course it was NO.
Interesting, but at the beginning of the article it was stated that he was committed in his relationship before
(so I infer that if asked before his A, would he cheat) His answer would have been Of course, NO as well.
Sorry but most of the "experts" that I adhere too, say in one way or another that it is the WS "seeing" the BS pain and anguish (and then identifying with that hurt) ...this is the main factor in whether or not a WS becomes a FWS or not.
If there own character or personal boundaries were ENOUGH, then there NEVER would have be infidelity in the 1st place.
In addition, it is just a matter of respect.
Do you respect your spouse??
IF you do:
Then they need to KNOW about anything that has bearing on their life and marriage.
I'd say being cheated on qualifies as a matter that Does effect them personally (on any number of levels) ... hence they have a Right to Know!
***************
What I didn't KNOW about, very much HURT me!
(Regardless of HOW my wife Saw things!)
ie ---- what he doesn't know, won't hurt him
Even when it was only EA, the distance it created between us was awful.
Then (since I had NO idea what the real reasons were) ...I concluded that "I" was doing something Wrong, and put all the misplaced guilt and responsibility on MY Shoulders.
Fooling people is serious business, but when you fool yourself it Becomes Fatal.
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"Dan went as far as to rationalize the cheating as a "cement" in their relationship. "Prior to the affair, I wasn't sure about being with her always and forever," he says. "Now I was." "
How Lucky for her!!
I asked my H if the reason he lied to me (not about an A, he won't admit THAT), was because I would probably never find out. His reply was Yes. That certainly doesn't make me feel better about ANYTHING in our M. And I liken it to our D14s logic - Very flawed!
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As long as people pay for the advice they want to hear, there will be advisors (experts) who will take their money and tell them what they want to hear. There are plenty of people who want to be advised to keep it a secret.
-AD DING DING DING................I nominate this for post of the night. This could not be more truthful. LM
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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As long as people pay for the advice they want to hear, there will be advisors (experts) who will take their money and tell them what they want to hear. There are plenty of people who want to be advised to keep it a secret.
-AD DING DING DING................I nominate this for post of the night. This could not be more truthful. LM [color:"blue"]THERE'S MONEY TO BE MADE THERE! DANG! I'm in the wrong profession! [/color] David - thinking about becoming a Divorce councelor...hee hee.
Last edited by tanelornpete; 05/24/05 12:01 AM.
Me - 47 EA 6 years ago
M 18 yrs, Divorced
DD10, DS12, DS18
Remarried, 3/31/06 to the most wonderful woman in the world
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