Some of you might have noticed that I got particularly active here when my H and I separated.

The last few days, I have been hysterically reaching out and only realized that's what I was doing this morning, when my depression hit me full force. H didn't give his usual morning call (I knew it would be hard whne he stopped calling as much). But then got this sad email from him.



I have NO IDEA what I am doing right now. I swing between Plan B and letting him come home. I have felt alot less pressure while he has been gone, but the last few nites, I really missed the snuggling... Emotionally/Verbally and such, I was just as lonely before when he was here. I keep telling myself that.

This is so HARD. It ALL rips at my heart. The whole DAMN thing.

IF I only KNEW things. I listen to that tape and am SURE that he has been lying to me. Then I talk to him and if it's brought up, he denies it andI start to believe that I am completely NUTS!!

I have tried to get through that and tried SO HARD to just believe him, but I CAN'T. I have let the whole thing go for months at a time, then it comes back to haunt me, with a vengeance. And then the added lying just killed me!

I think that I'll go call SH now. H wouldn't comment when I tried to talk to him about that yesterday.

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening,
jls

jl,

I'm listening, though I don't have any advice. I was fortunate that my situation didn't warrant either Plan A, B, and I'm trying to avoid Plan D.

But, I'm sorry for your pain. I truly am.

Hopefully, someone knowledgeable on the subject will respond to you soon.


Froz

im sorry your feeling this way.....((((((JLS)))))))

(((HUGS))) and a prayer.

-dorry

Thanks frozen,

I called SH and left a message. I need to go put horses out, but can wait a few in case I get a callback.

I don't cry a lot, but get into these funks sometimes. Wow, even the possibily of an A has gotten to me so bad. Imagine if i had caught H red-handed, so to speak. I would have soo lost it! And this is almost 2 years later.

Confused42 I think) was talking yesterday about being in limbo was what she hated. Amen to THAT!

Thanks again,

Thanks, dorry and nikko.

I just worry so much that I have missed the opportunity to do the right thing. And then i wonder what the right thing is. And then, ...well, you know.

it is never too late to do the right thing.....

It is never too late to do the right thing.....

Nikko, I think that's the problem. She doesn't KNOW what the right thing is. I bet if she KNEW, she would be doing it yesterday.

I would like to see her talk to SH because it looks like the A is over, and what is needed is honsty, and rebuilding. I am not sure if plan B is the way to do that.

JLS,
have you read: "Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah"? (also by Richard Bach)

I think many of the things we think are "so" are illusions. So often we are used to things being one way, and we think that's the only way we can be happy.

If you were to read back on some of the comments on your eariler threads, you can see some of the best minds on MB prompting you to look inside. Not because of things you have done wrong, but because that's where your happines lies.

Illusions - things we think are one way - when reality is someting else.

I believe a good marriage really adds to our happiness, and that we can have something better in marriage that we can't be without. I also believe that the joy, and the love, and the abundant life of a good marriage are not from that marriage itself, but from what the two people bring to it.

You bring a lot - but you don't realize all of what you bring, nor do you always beleve in yourself. If you can first find you - who you are, and what you are, I think you will then know what to do in your marriage.

Calling SH will help you with that, but also it will give you time for the discovery to take place. In other words, I think Steve or Jennifer can help you hold it together long enough for you and H to figure out how it can all work and to actually let it work. If you don't get that time, (by having a third party interceed) I think H will get tired of waiting, and you will get tired of trying.

Things ARE as they really are, and not otherwise. It is for us to find out how things are inside us - and you need to know more about you. (remember, this is my opinion.)

You need to know you are worth it.
You need to know you can do this, whatever it takes.
You need to know God loves you.
You need to know that he will help YOU.

I hope you feel calm when you read this - and know you can succeed.

SS

JLS,

'mornin'!

I noticed that you were scrambling a bit.

You are still not sure of the A?

Can you get access to his vehicle? Does he come by sometimes?

I suggest a GPS tracker.

It really opened my eyes!

-AD

Hello JLS,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down today.

I am also very happy that you've called the Harleys. Yeay!

Do you think that your H would be interested in participating in MC with the Harleys eventually? That would be wonderful.

And fyi, I would have loved to have gotten a message like that from my H, but I never did. That's a BIG difference between your H and mine.

Anyway, the Harley's will give you good advice.

svb

what plan are in officially if any....?

ark

Thanks for the support. It means so much to me to come back and check, and see all your responses and questions.



OF COURSE I have, SS!! That's my very favorITE R Bach book. I should go buy it again. I always end up giving my favorite books away, to spread the WORDs!! I bet I have given Illusions away about 7-8X. Same with Ayn Rand and Hemingway and Ann Rice. I got the weirdest tastes.

Anyhow, SS, WHERE do you get your insight? Is there an online catalog for that?? I think that you are right. IF there was an A, it is probably over. BUT, and big but (no, I don't have a big buTT), there could easily still be contact, if nothing else. And the lying never stopped, so my trust never returned. Also, H is STILL not meeting my needs, and now I have done Plan A's so many times and made some very good(Ithink) permanent changes. It seems SO onesided and gets very depressing and frustrating at times.

Thanks svb, Make sure you read your thread too.

Thanks again nikko, I feel like i am flubbing up my MB attempts. I DON'T know what the right thing is. Nothing FEELS right. And I must disagree, it can be too late to do the right thing. Plan B's opportunity window could be closing. But if I do Plan B and "ask" for certain things, that he can't give, then what? Whatif I say that I need the truth about that recording? And he really IS telling me the truth already? I really tried to let it go. We went to MC before (after the tapething) and I went to IC, as did he. I went to IC for a while (he went 2-3X). I have found that so many counselers don't have any better skills than my friends. And they are FREE to talk to. That is why I finally decided to call SH, at least once or twice, as I can afford it.

AD, I tried so many things to find out about the A(?). Not a GPS, tho. Just couldn't afford it at the time. And really don't think that he would take his car, esp after the tape thing. His work is off-limits, his work parking lot is off-limits. He leaves his building so often to go to other buldings all around town (big city). I tried to check up on him, but can't even find his car in huge lots from afar, sometimes. Hired a PI, he sucked (really did). The nincompoop called me for my H's work address, after I already gave it, and then asked me for directions, and lost my H following him...just an IDiot (sorry Ids).

And ark, I have been doing Plan A. Planned to do it 1-2 weeks after he moved out and then Plan B. But got so many differing opinions and I am just not very sure of myself right now.

I guess it's still Plan A. I just can't be around him for too long or I will start doing the R talk alot. Esp lately, cause he is really pushing to move back. But I asked him to make a plan, or at least brainstorm with me about the problems, ie lying and accountability. He has no ideas and so far has never followed mine.

Did i forget anyone. Again, thanks, I feel much better now. I went and did stalls and called the shoer and soaked horsy feet. My daughter's horse came off the trailer limping, after schooling over cross-country jumps last weekend. And she has a mini-event this coming Sun. Re-sorted my thinking and thought "Boy am I glad that I called SH." I have let this go WAY too Long and too far....

Be bcak in a little while, gonna call again, Harley's office called and didn't leave a message, even tho I said they could...

I love you MBers!! You are a GREAT bunch,<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

jls

I got my appt.!!! Fast, too. Yay ME.

Gonna go get hay now.

Thanks again u guys!

Are you taking anti-d's yet?

some also take care of anxiety too

Pep

Hi JLS. I have been away from my computer the last few weeks, so I am not familiar with your situation. But, it sounds alot like mine.

I believe my H has had a recent A, may have lasted for over a year. I slowly discovered that this might be happening. At first I was absolutely devastated. My heart torn in two. But slowly over time, I almost got used to it. Don't get me wrong, I was practically crazy, heart broken wreck over it, but since I found out stuff slowly, I kinda got "used" to it.

I plan A'ed him big time. This seemed to help alot. And, through it all (my D Day, when I first suspected, was last May - I smelled perfume on him for the first time and his comments where odd too) Anyway, he has denied it all. Has blamed everyone and their dog is out to get him or me by causing us all this unwarranted trouble.

The repeated lies are what bother me the most. (well, almost) I too believe it may be over. But, frankly I am so sick of checking up on him and such. Some days I am really fed up with him and this whole mess. Other days - I will do anything to stop the A and the pain.

Is there somewhere that I can read about your story ? Or could you briefly tell me ? Although we have never officially separated, I feel the very same as you.

Take care -- Carnation

Hi Pep,

I have been on ADs (sounds weird, since he posted on this thread.. ohhh wait, no, not the guy, the pills), For most of the past two years. Low dosage, but mostly I am ok. I tend to watch myself, as depression runs in my family and I was treated for awhile, when I was in my 20s.

Carnation,

HI!! Sorry to hear that you are going thru this too. I REALLY know what you mean about the lies!! I recogmize your name, but I don't remember your story.

I'll link to some of my past threads and you do the same. I'll check back later 2nite or 2moro!!



Thanks,
jls


and..most of my story is in this whiny recent thread

Jseagull:

No advice or opinions tonight. Sorry for your pain. I can feel your sorrow and despair. We have been there. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. PLease think of the good things in your life and of happier times to get you through.

Here to hoping you weather this storm.

LM

jls,
I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I truely believe that things in life happen for a purpose. You handle things as best you can. Our stories have many parallels. I look back to where I was a year ago. Personally I am much better now then I was. My M is in no better shape, but as a person I am stronger. I had lost trust. Trust in myself, I second guessed everyhting I did. My pace is my own, its slow and sometimes feels stalled but when I look at the big picture there is progress. I'd venture to say you've got your own pace as well. Trust yourself, you'll get there when you are ready.

jls,

I too love Illusions, but I have to say my very favorites are JLS & "There's No Such Place As Far Away".

Bravo to you for taking action and calling SH. You'll be amazed at how well he can decode your situation. In my case he was so intuitive that it seemed as if he'd been living in my house. I can only imagine how his mind must think after years of specializing in such a narrow field....I have to think he's heard it all!!

Glad to hear you're on the up-swing - that rollercoaster is truly something!

Hi jiseagull haven't talked in a some time. Was reading your post about haveing a bad day. it really hit home. i haven't been on because things have been good, at least i was thinking they were good. i taped h sunday and just listen to it. same old talking to ow again. can't say anything, just say he is talking to himself.

The lies i know how you feel. somedays i can't go on.bad
ON A LIKER NOTE HOWS THE KIDS AND YOU? How are you doing all the chores by your self? i have a hard time with this just to keep busy but my mind goes back to them h and ow all the time. I want to beleive my h to so bad but the lies he tells. then he is so sweet and loving. i just don't get it. keep going on . i have to get round pen up yet, i guess i will have to do it myself as he has to work and never fines the time. i wish you all the luck in the world . i 'm here for you anytime. if you would like you can e-mail me . i will give you my e-mail address if you want to next time we post or on this site pansy