He wants me to change my name.

I don't.

I've been married once before. I didn't lose my maiden name, but I hyphenated it. I changed it back when we divorced.

I like my name. It isn't that I dislike his name. A few people have joked that he should change his to mine.

He said something last night about someone thinking he's "whipped" if I don't change my name ... NO idea where that came from.

Anyway, I like my name.

I really don't want to change it.

Not sure how to negotiate this. It seems to be more important to him than I thought, and more important to me than I realized.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

BIO
1993: married Humperdinck
1995: had DS, 1997: had DD
2000: separated, 2001: divorced
2001: reunited with Westley
2005: building together

I told my wife it was completely up to her and I wouldn't have had a problem with whatever decision she made. She has taken my name and I know she was on the fence about it. I secretly was glad that she did but if she hadn't it wouldn't have been an issue for me.

Hmm..........

Well I'd have to say I'm more on his side with the wedding issue, even if it's a family only deal on your deck. This not only unites you two, but it also unites you with his family. Traditionally people get married before they move in together. Traditionally they have a wedding. Traditationally the wife takes the husbands last name. You may have to give in and compromise on at least some of the traditions.

As for the name thing, I don't know what to tell you. While on one hand I would tell any of my daughters they don't have to change their name for some man, on the other hand if my future wife chose not to do it I would feel saddened by that. I think more than anything, my "ego" would be bruised.

I think that if my wife didnt take my name I would feal hurt, that she isnt putting her all into the marriage. that we could never be one!

Was he serious? His concern about other people's opinions regarding your choice seems like a more serious issue than the name change one.

What stance do you both have on hyphenating again this time?

Dobie

I don't want to hy-phen-ate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I really didn't want to take my ex's name either. He called me a horrible liberal feminazi for not just taking his name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> That could be part of my hesitation.

As far as tradition goes, I'm just not that old-fashioned. I think I'd like to be married before we live together, but the house is just about done at this point... should be moving in July.

To be fair I've gone back and forth about wanting to get married, NOT wanting to get married, not caring if we were or not before we move in, etc. so for me to rush him now would be exceedingly hypocritical of me.

I'm gunshy, I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> About the time I really start thinking that I want to be married again, I come up with reasons not to.

BTW the house is in my name. And since it is built on land that my father left to me, and that I intend on leaving to my children, I've also got that to consider. I want to be sure that if something happens to me, the house and land are put in a trust for my kids. I don't know if he will ever feel like it is HIS house. We've agreed on everything we've picked out for the house, but at times I've had to make executive decisions without him.

I think he likes that I am independent but at the same time resents it a little. I think he would like to be needed more, just not have me be "needy". I know he is upset about his credit status keeping him from contributing financially to the house as much as he'd like. I think he feels like he doesn't have much control or say in what happens.

That's pretty much the case though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

OK so where is the solution.......

What are you willing to compromise on the name thing? Nothing OK.

What are you willing to compromise on the wedding thing?

Am I reading it correctly that you get control over the house, the name, the wedding or lack there of, etc....? How have y'all handled conflict resolution in the past? I hate to say it but I see some power struggles awaiting you in the future and they may play out on silly fronts, but they won't be silly to him.

What conflict resolution? There just hasn't been any. We spend no more than a few hours a week together and when you want to be with each other all the time, you use what little time you have to the best advantage. We've never fought.

Not wanting a wedding isn't the same as refusing to allow him one... I would be just as happy to be married at the courthouse. Whatever he wants with regards to a wedding is fine with me. He can plan the whole thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I see it mostly as unnecessary expense. I warned him that there won't be any help from "the bride's family" ... it just isn't possible.

The name, I would probably relent on if I believed it was truly important to HIM. I think if he understood how important my name is to ME he wouldn't mind me keeping it.

I think we have a fairly strong give-and-give relationship. He'd do anything for me, and I'll support him in anything he does. I give him freedom his friends are jealous of, and support him in his hobbies. He gives me affection and does things I ask for. Our love languages work together. Our emotional needs are compatible. We are happy.

Could you "be one" if you changed your last name to hers? Would she feel like you weren't putting your all into the marriage if you didn't?

I'm not trying to be confrontational... I'm just challenging the rationale behind the conviction. I'm not trying to stomp on tradition.

I'm trying to rack my brain and remember if there is something in the Bible about a woman taking a man's name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

“””What conflict resolution? There just hasn't been any.”””

So in all the years y’all have been dating, there hasn’t been any arguments? I believe that some conflict is good. Let’s face it, at some point y’all are going to argue and it would be healthy for both of you to know each others style.

“””Not wanting a wedding isn't the same as refusing to allow him one...”””

You are correct, it’s not the same. But IMHO, saying “YOU CAN PLAN THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE I DON’T WANT ONE AND I THINK IT’S A HUGE WASTE” is extremely selfish. I’m not saying that you are saying that but if your communicating that to him then it is not good.

“””Could you "be one" if you changed your last name to hers? Would she feel like you weren't putting your all into the marriage if you didn't?”””

If the tradition were switched, sure I could. Heck if the tradition weren’t switched and my future wife wanted me to, I’d probably think real hard about it and possibly do it. And to be honest, some would view it as not putting your all in and that is their valid opinion, just as your opinion is valid. I, personally, believe that it is best to be totally united. This is Mr & Mrs Smith, not this is Mr. Smith and Mrs Buttercup, Oh yeah they are married…… To me this says I will marry you but I will not be as one with you, I'll still be my own person not a part of you.

”””I'm trying to rack my brain and remember if there is something in the Bible about a woman taking a man's name.”””

I’m not a biblical scholar by any means, but I’ve heard that many believe that this tradition goes all the way back to Adam and Eve, Genesis 2:21-25. I did a real quick search and saw many “Old Testament” references to this, mainly along the lines of a woman being submissive to her husband. Though I imagine with a little bit of bible study or talking with a religious leader one could more definitively narrow down where the tradition originated and what your religions view is on the issue:

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Gen 2:21-25 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. 23 And Adam said:
"This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man."
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

The Hebrew word for man is: "`is"
And for Woman its: "'issah"
Notice just as we do now, woman took mans name "'is"sah.
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Am I correct in that you did not take your 1st husband name? What are the kids last names?

We have disagreed on certain things, of course, but we don't fight, or argue. We discuss things. Someone gives. Honestly, probably him more than me. I am selfish, in some ways... but mostly a very giving person. We are both stubborn and there is no sense in butting heads. We see eye to eye on most things. There are a few sore spots (frustration with each others' ways of dealing with difficult kids) that we have quiet discussions about when the need arises.

He has had a hand in the decisions about the new house every step of the way. I feel I've compromised on a bunch of things, mostly we've agreed totally or at least had similar ideas. It is OUR home, to me. Legally I need it to remain MY home in order that the property follow the intended path of ownership from my dad to myself to my children someday.

My two kids have my ex's last name. I would be very supportive if they ever want to change it to mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

my fiancee and I fought to the death on this issue.
It wasn't if she would take my name, but what name would the children have.
She relented when I told her I would just use a surrogate mother for the children and name them after me.
It seems like such a "minor detail" but there is an awful lot of signifigance on the issue.
Did you know the United Nations has a resolution calling the legal requirement of a woman to take the man's name a Civil Rights violation?

It should be a minor issue, but obviously it isn't in your case. Having one name doesn't necessarily unite anyone as a couple, to me, it more means that one person gave up their previously known public identity while one person did not.

I didn't change my name, and I won't. I won't even hyphenate. His family is more hurt than my husband is. (They have a very patriarchal family/cultural dynamic.) I simply said to them, "He's not changing his name, why should I change mine?"

My mom died almost 30 years ago, and my Dad raised my sister and I alone. And he always maintained that we should not change our names after getting married. Plus, I don't really like or enjoy my husband's family, so why would I want to be known as one of them???

Maybe I'm a rebel with a bad attitude about it, but I just think that name changing is really a minor point if you love and respect each other for who you are and not for who you want each other to be.

Well, tickle me old fashioned but I would not marry a woman who did not want to change her name.

I want to be married to a Mrs <Insert My Last Name Here> not a Mrs <Insert Maiden Name Here>.

I am sure you are a decent woman with several admirable qualities but that is one point I won't ever budge on.

I’ll weigh in from the side of a couple who’s H decided to take my last name. Although, I’m not sure how much help it’s going to be because the whole thing sort of started with an offhand, joking comment and neither of us was particularly concerned about it. Which is to say that we didn't do it for any particularly 'good' reason. The best reason I can think of is that we wanted to do something different. And, I was probably more upset with ‘loosing’ my name than he was ‘loosing’ his – well, that’s probably obvious.

There are some advantages of having the same last name. It does make things easier and more recognizable. I remember we both decided we wanted the SAME name because of stupid, yet irritating, hassles like having a video store refuse to allow us to have the same account if we had different last names. I’m not sure how much of that is still around, but I’m sure if you look hard enough, long enough, you’ll find one.

Anyway, a name change by marriage is legal in either direction or, as a third option, you can both choose an entirely DIFFERENT last name (perhaps find some anagram of both your last names) to call yourself as a couple. In practical terms, it wasn’t any harder (I don’t think) for him to change his name in all the places that mattered: Social security, driver’s license, and passport. The electric company did give us a bit of push back, but when I revealed that I had a Social security card, driver’s license and passport with the NEW name on it (and it was easier for me to prove his name was <XXX> than it was for them to prove it wasn’t), they eventually got with the program.

It’s been fun. He rather enjoys having a ‘maiden’ name.

One of the most interesting things has been that fleeting look that people have on their faces when we explain the situation. I don’t know what goes through their minds, but I have fun guessing.


How well have you both been heard on the issue? Do you understand his feelings? Do you understand his fears? I get the impression that you are minimizing his fears of appearing ‘whipped.’

I have to tell you that I think that’s very much how it comes across when people find out he took my name. Often, you get women looking at me and nodding and saying something like “Good for YOU.” Men just seem to look a bit confused.

It doesn’t bother my H at all. Actually, it amuses him to no end; especially since he was the one who REALLY wanted to do it.

How well do you think he understands your feelings? Is he minimizing your concerns? I think negotiation will come a little easier when you both have a clear idea of what’s at stake for each other. Then, you can throw out solutions that can help you be enthusiastic about either changing your name to his or keeping your maiden name (or any of the alternatives).

Perhaps it would be helpful to talk about couples who do it in reverse. I just know there are more of us out there. It might help him if he contemplated how he’d feel to loose HIS name.

Mys

Buttercup,

I vote that you do NOT change your name. It has been yours since you were born... it is who you are. Marriage should NOT mean that you lose your identity as an auntonomous person.

If I was ever to have a child with my husband, I would make his middle name my last name. That way they would have both our names. For instance, if my child's name was Brian and my husband's surname was Johnson, and my last name Heller, he would be Brian Heller Johnson.

With the wedding coming up, we talked a little about this again. I said I don't want to change my name. He made a face. He said something about being the last of his line... what if we have a child? (Not planning to.) I said then he would have your name. He thought about that a moment. Then he said well I don't know why I thought it was so important to keep "my" name going; I was adopted anyway.

I said I don't mind being called Mrs. (You) ... but because of all the $#^* I went through with name changes before, I want to keep my legal name (Me). Got the hmmmmm face. So he is {begrudgingly} backing off of this. Legally I will be Ms. Buttercup. For all other purposes, I'll be Mrs. Westley.

There are a couple items of mail that mistakenly come addressed to his first name and my last name. I think I'll let those stay the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hmmmm ... Pick a name that is not yours or his and change your name and that of your children. Or, just you and he pick a new last name to share and hyphenate yours for the children???? Can that be done? I have no idea.

Your question: Minor issue ... or is it?

It looks like it's variable depending on the individual.

Personally, I'm very traditional and had no question whatsoever about changing my name and it never crossed my mind, I took my husband's. I have strong feelings pertaining to the "Adam, Eve, rib" belief system. Also, there was no issue as far as having children with different names, so I can't relate there because they are both his. And when I first met him and he told me his last name, I had to turn around and crack up laughing so he wouldn't see me and I wouldn't hurt his feelings by LMAO! Now look at me!!! LOL

XpButtercup,

I'm in the same predicament. I changed my name for H on the first go round. Took me several months to do so as it is a huge pain in the [censored], Hyphen or no Hyphen. Changing it back to my maiden was cleansing and freeing. I am getting married in Dec. I like my name too and I'd vowed I'd never change it again for any man. Men dont have to go thru the B.S of standing in line at the social security dept, filling out form after form. Not no but ******-0 NO. I told me fella that I would introduce my self as Ruby___________ (his last name). I think it utterly ridiculous that any man would feel hurt by a No name change. The only reason to do ultimately do this is when your planning to have children. We wont be having any unless there is a immaculant conception. Tell your beau that your Mrs ____. That you dont dont need to go thru a name change to be such. You go girl