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I am new. I am still trying to figure out how my life got so out of control and where I go from here. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. There have been ups and down but for the most part a great marriage and friendship. We have both put ourselves through college and have great jobs. WE are very blessed with three wonderful girls.

Three months agao I caught my husband in a huge lie. He told me he was going to be on a business trip in NYC but ended up going to see his brother so they could use drugs and get high together. (He missed our twins birthday so he coudl do this). This was the first time I knew about my husbands drug problem. I knew he did drugs before we were married but did not know the problem was ongoing. It ended up that he has been using are whole married life. Really good at hiding it because no in his life except his brother knew about it. Anyways to make a long story short he ended up in rehab where the second week there he began a sexual affair with a woman who was at the rehab. I had no idea what was going on and could not figure out why he treated me so bad on the phone when he called. I went up for a family counseling weekend and really thought things were going well. I had no idea of the affair. He even introduced me to this woman, but did not introduce her has his lover. A week later he comes home and two days later I discover a text message on his cell phone that was sent to her. It was detailed and there was no question about what was going on. When questioned he lied but ended up telling me that he had a one night stand with this W. We start marriage counseling and he promiesed me, the counselor , and even a religous leader that it was only a one time thing and he was not in contact anymore with this W. (He called her in front of me to break it off). Well this week I found out that he has been talking to her on the phone several times a day and that instead of a one time affair it was very involved and he even left the rehab early with this woman so they could spend the weekend together in a hotel before they went home (She is married and her husband found out and left her and took their son with him). At first he did not want to end contact with her again because he said he would miss her and he had a lot of feelings for her. A few days ago he called her again (in front of me) and broke it off for the second time. I am so unsure though because all he does is lie. He does not show any remorse for what he has done. A lot of time he makes me feel like I am the one to blame. He says he wants to be married but his action say another thing. He has turned my life and my girls life upside down. I had him move out and the girls are really struggling. This all happen so fast and with no warning and we don't know how to pick up the pieces. I am sorry this is so long but I am so confused and don't know what to do. I love my h and want our marriage, I just don't know if I can get it back. I have never been so tired and hurt in my whole life. I did not know anything could hurt so bad.

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Is there any way you can get ahold of her husband?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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first things first...welcome.

secondly....how is his recovery going? is he still clean? is he doing the meetings and getting therapy for it?

now you may be wondering "why in the world is this lady asking all these questions about him and his recovery when i all but screamed i was in pain and had no idea what to do?????"

well i ask this because there will be no marriage recovery until he is finished with his other addictions and gets the help he needs for it. that is the first thing you and he need to deal with. have you looked in to al anon or the same for NA? you need to learn to deal with him and his addictions first. protect yourself and your family from that first.

i am sorry that this is not what you want to hear but it is the truth. in the meantime read all you can...surviving a affair and torn asunder are good starts. then his needs her needs. read up on plan a and b. take time for yourself...you've been through it havent you! slow down...this is a long road....


what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Sorry to welcome you here.

You have a MUCH bigger problem on your hands than an unfaithful WH. If he has been using your "whole" marriage, then I seriously must question what "marriage" you really had. If he is still using (likely, if he is carrying on an affair), then your issues are far far greater than anything that we can help you with. You CANNOT and SHOULD not use any of these plans on here with your drug addicted WH. This can only hurt you and your family. Your issues are sadly not just about marriage building. I hope that you can find some help (Professional) to help you cope.

Prayers

LM


Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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I don't beat around the bush .... so get ready....

strike one ended up going to see his brother so they could use drugs and get high together.

strike two (He missed our twins birthday so he coudl do this).

strike three he has been using are whole married life.

strike fourReally good at hiding it

strike five he began a sexual affair with a woman who was at the rehab.

strike six he treated me so bad on the phone when he called

strike seven He even introduced me to this woman, but did not introduce her has his lover.

strike eight a text message on his cell phone that was sent to her. It was detailed and there was no question about what was going on.

strike nineWhen questioned he lied

strike ten he has been talking to her on the phone several times a day

strike eleven he even left the rehab early with this woman so they could spend the weekend together in a hotel before they went home

strike twelve he said he would miss her and he had a lot of feelings for her

strike thirteen all he does is lie

strike fourteenHe does not show any remorse for what he has done

strike fifteenA lot of time he makes me feel like I am the one to blame

strike sixteenHe has turned my life and my girls life upside down

[b]well .... right now your husband is gone. Replaced by this alien.

Do not become confused by his lies.

For a good long time this is going to be the reality you must accept ---> his lips are moving ---> assume he is lying.

Drugs are a huge problem. Probably a much bigger problem than this stupid rehab affair mess. She is nothing more than a symptom of your H's immaturity.

Drugs retard maturity.

If your H is a long time user like you say ... here is the deal... do not allow him back into your life until he has at minimum ONE FULL continuous YEAR of proven clean and sober status .... PROOF in the way of a sponser and making meetings.

This is sucky beyond sucky ... but YOUR job is to protect yourself and your children from his chaos.

This may require you to protect yourself legally .... do not allow him to control you money .... take 1 half of your assets and put them where your H cannot get his hands on this money.

File to make you NOT responsible for any debts he makes ... get an attorney to protect yourself from financial ruin.

Please... take action.

I know this hurts, but you must ACT.

Pep

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Hi Conneen - welcome to MB....and I am truly, deeply sorry you have to be here.

I stand behind Pep for the most part - and what else has been stated here. NOTHING WILL CHANGE UNTIL YOUR HUSBAND GETS RID OF THE DRUG ADDICTION. That has to be your primary goal in regard to your relationship. ALL else is symptomatic of the addiction - all of the behaviors. Pep is prettyt dogmatic about the 'one year' thing - I wouldn't go that far - or at least, I wouldn't set a time frame for it - it could take longer - it may take less time - BUT be prepared for a long hard ride. What you are looking for is for your husband to take full responsibility for his actions - once he does that, you will have BEGUN the road to recovery.

Stay here. Stay on MB, read everything. We are all here for support and we all at various times need to cry, vent, rage, laugh - and you have a safe and healthy place to do it here.

On top of this - get involved in a co-dependency support group in your area - you will get the tools and care you need from them as well.

Again, I am so sorry you have to face this - but you are NOT ALONE!

David


Me - 47 EA 6 years ago
M 18 yrs, Divorced
DD10, DS12, DS18
Remarried, 3/31/06 to the most wonderful woman in the world
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Thanks for all your reply and thank you all for being honest. It hurts but I need someone to be honest with me. I have never gone through anything like this. My husband has had three relaps since he has been home from rehab. At least that is what he has told me. He is not very faithful about his AA meetings and he still has not found a sponsor. He is seeing a drug counseor and likes her. We are still in counseling together. He is away on business right now and it is killing me because I have no idea what he is doing on his free time or if really is a business trip. I want to believe him but he has lied so much I can't. I feel like I am going crazy. Today has been terrible and I can't keep thinking the worst. I Can't live like this.

Thanks again for your reply and thank you all for your support.

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I Can't live like this.

THEN DON'T !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your choice, Your life..............PLease take responsibility for it NOW.

LM


Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Things are starting to improve. My husband and I have started plan A and he moved home yesterday. It was really nice having him there. He has not lived in the house for almost three months. I know this is just the beginning and we have a long road ahead of us, but I think it is a start. MY husband also started an intensive outpatient rehab. I am really hopeful that he will be able to work on his issues, become clean and address the affair. He says he wants to be married and he is really starting to open up. He has a long way on the honesty issue. Last night we were meeting with a religous leader and he pointed out somethings on our relationship that we have to work on. It is weird because basicly he was talking about love deposits and withdrawls. Right now we are having huge withdrawls and need to end there cycle and start working on having a healthy relationship.

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The Affair is the LAST thing you need to be focusing on right now..Your H needs to become clean and sober before anything with your M can happen...Did you read Pepperbands post? Please read it and re read it again...your H needs help! dont be surprised if he relapses many more times...until HE has made teh committment to become CLEAN he wont! Has he made that committment? Or is it just words? Is he attending his AA meeting regularly? Is he calling his sponser? You guys have a much bigger issue here than just the A to deal with...Deal with his drug use FIRST...then the A...



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My husband and I have started plan A and he moved home yesterday.

Two people do not do plan A as a team. You do not understand what Plan A is.

I think you mean something different.

Plan A-ing a drug addict makes the addict very happy, because it's giving the addict permission to use and abuse without consequences.

Be careful.

You want him so much .... that you are willing to believe a drug addict with a history of lying for years and years ... after a few cozy talks.

There is no healthy relationship with a drug addict. They are incapable of a healthy relationship for a very long time even if they stop using for awhile.

They love the drug s more than they love anything else..



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I am such a dumb person. My husband went to New Orleans last week he said on business. I told him how scared I was for him to go and he listened to me and validated my concerns. Called me on the phone and let me think he was on business. My gut got the best of me. It kept telling me something was off. I called his office and asked his sec. where he was and she said he was in Boston. I knew then he was lying because he told me he was in New Orleans. Ends up he was in New Orleans but using the whole week he was there. He even slept on the streets one night. Buying drugs from dealers in the projects. He could have gotten arrested or killed. He has three kids at home and did not even think of them. He is an attorney and if was arrested he would have lost ability to practice law. You are right he loves the drug more than he loves anything else. I have feeling he was with his new friend (the girl who he had affair with in New Orleans). I think he finally found someone who can live his secret life. I found a posting on a drug website that he posted on 5/30 about how he is in love with this woman and how she loves to drink and how amazing she is. It hurt like a knife. I love my husband but i know that I can't live like this. I need help saying goodbye because I don't know how too. I know i need to. Please someone help me. I am hurting so bad. I have been with him for 17 yrs and in the last 6 months have found out that he is a drug addict and he has had an affair on me. I feel like I am drowning.

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Sweetheart, you are drowning... but you can swim to shore or you can sink to the bottom with him... go for the shore girl, go for the shore!!!

This man is not your H... he is not the person you loved and knew...he is a stranger, an alien, an addict. He is incapable of seeing the world beyond his next fix, his next buzz...

HE is NOT the man you Md!!! Yes it sucks, it is horrible!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Your heart is ripped to shreds and yet somehow you are supposed to pick yourself up and move forward?! Exactly!!

Those 3 little girls, they have no choices in this...they are along for the ride sink or swim.... swim for them conneen, if for no one else...swim for them!

I am on d-day #3 with a man I thought I knew beyond words and loved beyond measure. He has lied, cheated, stolen and done every imaginable hurtful thing for his fix (sex)...

Know what? I still love my H, but I also know he is nowhere to be found right now!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Until this addict is helped back into his cage, I will not have a snowball's chance in Hades of seeing my H... and I miss him... our three children miss him, and it hurts more than I can ever tell you!!

I understand so well cause I am there. {{{conneeen}}}

I cannot keep traveling this path over and over again only to find that my H is not the one I am with... I have to protect myself and these kids, and I hate it so much that I am even in this place!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I want to jump up and down and scream "I want my life back"... but I grow tired of the ranting the end result is the same...he is not here and will not be for a long, long time... if ever! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My H is a massage therapist and 2 yrs ago today revealed he was having an A with a client... did it matter that he would lose it all if it were revealed? No, of course not... and nearly losing it all was not enough to keep him from doing it yet again!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

There is zero chance for M recovery until your H is free of his addictions... same for me, and it sucks!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You can do this though, you must, for them.


BW, 33 WH 36 Md 14.5 yrs DD13, DS11, DD4 Tired of counting d-days, D proceeding 7/05 "Pride can break a man right down from iron. Twist him 'round 'round and tatter up a soul Handprint of God on the small of my back my second chance, my second chance. I'll bend a knee my friend, I'll bend a knee... Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault. Say I believe, I believe lay it down. This the hour of my healing, of my healing, yeah my heart, my heart redeemed."
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Con..I'm so sorry. When a person begin using drugs, their emotional maturity stops. If your husband has been using since before your marriage, imagine with what you're dealing...essentially a teenager. I agree with Mom23boys..the affair is a symptom and not the major issue. Many addicts have lives totally out of control and an affair fits right in...especially if that person joins/approves of the behavior. They've bonded in their sickness and that sickness needs to be healed. I too agree with Lemonman. The MB principles are not effective with dealing with a chemical addiction. The addict will use them to the max. Don't take what he says personally as it has nothing to do with you. It's the chemical talking. An addict hasn't the ability to care about anything but the drug. Take care and protect yourself financially as well as personally. Realize when he talks it's the addiction that is speaking.

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conneen, do you know anything about drugs or alcohol? I would suggest you do as much research as you can...your H has a disease...he is sick and he will not be able to help himself until he WANTS to...You cannot help him...you can insist he go to a rec program, but just as before he will only come out using again...

Drugs are a nasty, nasty addiction, just as any addiction...but this is not only destroying your H, but it is destroying you, your girls and your whole family...he has been using for a LOOONG time...

He cannot hear you right now...he is high, he can only think of his next fix...He needs help, but you canot help him...

I would suggest that you go into a Plan B...You can tell him that you love him very much, but that you cannot live with his addiction...dont even mention the affair...it is the DRUGS that you cannot live with...the affair is a product of the DRUGS...you can tell him that when he is READY to heal HIMSELF and admit HIMSELF inot rehab and commit to a drug free life, then you will consider working on the marrige...Allowing him back home will only be telling him that it is OK to use and you will accept this...

He may lose his job, he may lose his family, and he may very well lose his LIFE...he WILL if he does not stop NOW...but you cannot make hims stop...only he can make that decision...

My brother is an addict...he was in and out of rehab 3 times...he started using when he was 17...he is now 41 and is serving his second prison sentence for selling/using meth...His addiction DESTROYED my family...I grew up watching what he did to my parents and to himself...I refused to have any sort of relationship with him...each time he would come out of rehab he would go right back to using...He is sick...Instead of attending our father's funeral last November, he was sitting in a cell thinking about why he wasn't there...My father died hating him...I hope in the end he could find SOME love for him...

You have to protect yourself and your girls...Think about what this is doing to them....Please get out of this now...You cant save him...You can suggest he do these things, but he has to bve the one to do it...I will pray that you can find the strength to let go and be safe...



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I am right there with ya M23, my brother is also an addict...

He was 11 (yes, eleven) when he was having sex with the lady at the corner store for money and or drugs... He has a 6th grade education and the emotional maturity to match. He is on his 2nd M (he is now chronologically 30) and has been the source of many a sleepless night in my life.

I just started speakng to him again after nearly a year because he threatened myself and my H with death and violence!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I do not care how my Mom tries to rationalize it, he is still using even if it is "only" alcohol! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Does this help you much Conneen, no, I guess not. You are going to hurt and cry and scream to the heavens how unfair it all is...cause IT IS!!!

Still, if there is any hope for your M than it is Plan B... and like I have been told it is like a practice D if that is where you choose to head.

I am a several time Plan B flunkout, but each day I get a bit better... it is not easy, but doable. My prayers are with you!!


BW, 33 WH 36 Md 14.5 yrs DD13, DS11, DD4 Tired of counting d-days, D proceeding 7/05 "Pride can break a man right down from iron. Twist him 'round 'round and tatter up a soul Handprint of God on the small of my back my second chance, my second chance. I'll bend a knee my friend, I'll bend a knee... Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault. Say I believe, I believe lay it down. This the hour of my healing, of my healing, yeah my heart, my heart redeemed."
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So how do you say goodbye to 17 years of marriage. We have been with each other since we were 18. We grew up together (I quess I grew up and I thought he did but he really did not). I had no clue this was coming. I keep thinking to myself that if maybe I had an idea what was going on I would have been able to accept all this better. He was so good at his drug using an lying. How can someone be with someone for 17 years and not know they are living with a drug addict. I mean the people he works with don't even know. Our friends, relious learder, my parents, his parents did not know. His children had no idea. To think that my children drove in the car with him while he was high is enough to send me over the edge. He could have killed them. He is so good at lying and living a double life. It is so scary. I am really scared. I have never felt so alone. It is so scary to realize that now i am responsible for three children by myself. I can't sleep. I keep thinking about my girls, how I am going to support them. I want them to have a father, but I know that he is can't be a father to them right now. I dont' understand how someone could choose drugs over their children. I know it is a sickness, but what happened to the human spirit and saying, no i won't do this. You guys I know I am rambling and I am sorry. This is the only place I can get it out. I feel like everything is out of control and I am going crazy. I know this sounds weird, but I keep thinking this is a bad dream and I am going to wake up.

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conneen--go back and re-read peppers post to you....she has survived what you are going through and is happily married and her husband is recovering.

she knows exactly what you need to do---stop running scared and go read it then start DOING IT!!!@!


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YOU have to keep your chin up and stand tall! I am in the same situation as you are as far as trying to make it on my own with three kids...YOU CAN do it! Go back to school if you need to...I will be going in the fall...I have been married for 13 years...there is a lot at stake...but I will not llive this life any longer...Dont let the fear of being alone keep you in this situation...

Protect yourself and your kids...My H also left me and OUR kids for his double life...that is HIS choice...I cant change that...no matter how hard I TRIED...he made the ultimate decision...does it hurt? yes, it hurts...but I refuse to let my children grow up in a home where infidelity is OK...it is NOT ok...and neither is using and abusing drugs and alcohol! You have to show your H it is NOT Ok to do this...You have to administer TOUGH LOVE!

You have to be the strong one...It is damn hard, but you have to do it! did you watch the Dr. Phil primetime special last week? It was about an RN, nonetheless, who was using all kinds of drugs...Her life was dependent on drugs...her H was basically saying it was OK for her to use as he would take her needles to her when she left them at home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

If you let your H back home, you will be saying "it's ok honey, I know you are a DRUG addict, but I dont want to lose you...you can use the drugs as long as you stay with me" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

do you want your H the way he is NOW knowing he may very well DIE any day...or would you rather have him clean and sober...

He will kick and scream and beg and plead...you have to be strong...Do you have ANY support? Friends, family? YOu need suport right now...I feel for you, I really do..I know what drugs can do to a family...I watched my own mother disown her own son and go thru the steps...It is so hard.



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I went back and reread peppers reply. When pepper says no contact does that mean I don't talk to him or let him see the girls. I quess what I am saying is what does no contact mean. That must really sound stupid. I told him this weekend that he had to go back to his apartment. He was really upset, but I held my ground. I will not let him move back in until he is clean and clean for a long time. I know he is still talking to the girl he met at rehab. She is back in rehab. I can't believe he would even be attracted to someone like that. This girl is the opposite of me. Maybe that is what he likes. I don't drink at all and I have never used drugs. This girl is in rehab for the 7th time. Her husband left her when he found out about the affair between her and my husband and she has lost custody of her little boy. Sounds like a wonderful stepmother for my children. I just don't see what he would see in her.

Anyways, he is not living at home. He is attending an outpaient rehab. I don't believe a word he says about anything. I think that is what bugs me the most and that is that I have to question everything that comes out of his mouth.

My new quote that I hung on the mirror. "When you surrender, give up the fear thoughts, and give up control of the situation, you open the way for a miracle."

Thanks guys for all your help.
Conneen

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