I am depressed today. June is a bad month. It is one of our important anniversaries, (the first time we made love 23 years ago).

Last year, this time there was a new love song I liked on the radio and I tried to share it with H, and he ignored me, he was LBing like crazy, and he treated me like I was an annoyance to him. On the anniversary I mentioned, I reminded him and he just brushed me off with a scowl.

I'm so angry with myself for allowing him to treat me with such uncharacteristic disregard, and not push him to explain it. I let him get away with murder and never even questioned anything he did, never asked him to stay home with me instead of leaving every weekend. It didn't matter since I had to work anyway. I never listened to my instincts telling me I should check up on him, or ask him to invite his friends here, instead. I could have just driven down there after work, and I would have caught them.

My H says he never stopped loving me, but he did and said some outrageously hurtful things during the A.

I had some weak moments and stupid mistakes of my own in the past, but I never did or said anything to hurt my H, and I never allowed anyone else to say anything bad about him either.

Please someone, WS preferably, explain to me how the WS can profess to still love me throughout the A, and yet treat me so shabbily.

And how is it that the person he can find no redeeming value in now (OW) could have been so damned important that I completely faded off the radar?

I would really like to know how she does it. He's not the first of her predatory targets that got caught up in it. A friend I've known for 20-some years but lost touch with, explained how he was planning his wedding with his fiance when she set her sights on him. She would follow him into the bar he frequents every time he was there, and they eventually hooked up. Then when he and his new wife were in their new house she would call him all times of the day and night. He lost his marriage over it and he hates her now, too. Anyway this friend and I were sitting at his pub of choice and he took a poll of those in the bar and not 3 people there even like her. That was funny. I didn't stay long, I was drinking water and I realize that friends of the opposite sex are dangerous, so I don't go there or talk to him very much. He used to be our next door neighbor in the early 80s and he shared his whole sordid story with my H.

Besides that she is about 3 months older than me, and her hair is already gray, though she dies it, and a big gray spot breaks through on one side.. I mentioned before she never wears any underwear, though she desperately needs a support bra, and I'm sorry I think it's gross. She reminds me of a slug. My H said she would just pull her skirt up and be "ready to go".

Isn't it much more sexy to wear pretty lingerie and heels sometimes? She wears frumpy looking rags and usually birkenstocks -- never wears anything with a heel.

My husband said she would wear makeup for him. That also p*sses me off, because he was never around when I was dressed up or looked nice, because of our schedules, and every weekend he was outta here.

I'm afraid if I continue to hurt over all this, he'll give up and leave.

I'm afraid that if I decide it's ok for him to give up and leave, that no one will be left to fight for the marriage.

I love him, but I am a smart, very attractive woman. I don't want to have to go back "out there". I like being married. I love being happily married. I was proud to be H's wife. But I am no longer happily married, as he proved he isn't. I no longer believe in him or that he is capable of making judicious decisions to protect his family.

Part of me is angry that he doesn't keep track of history better, that he doesn't have a better memory. I used to [censored] about that woman a lot, and he forgot I knew her!

He couldn't have planned to hurt me more deeply if he had spent a year mapping it out.

I feel like a loser that I don't just pick up my pride and throw his [censored] out.

Don't get me wrong; he is doing everything exactly right, now, he couldn't be a more perfect husband, now. But he was a perfect husband for 22 years and then he nearly destroyed me with this bullsh*t. How can I risk being hurt this way again???

Swords

I think you bring up an excellent aspect of an affair...

I think that full blown in the mix of things WS can and do love their spouses...even while engaging in such deceptive actions...
AND
can act so vilely towards their spouses because it is the nature of the beast...

It is they themselves that can not tolerate who and what they are being and doing...and human nature calls us to deny the reality of our own actions and blame others...

It is the need to convince themselves that they are
"correct" in their betrayal by making you the spouse the enemy.....

more scary are the WS that are totally apathetic and without emotion then those that act all mean and creepy...

swords...let go of who you were in accepting that behavior from him...and gather strength that you will not tolerate it ever again...can't change the past...

people change all the time...and WS really do and can become former WS.....
it is a gift to continue to believe that we can change...

bad treatment of the BS is internal hatred of their own action turned outwards...

ARK

I have the same question. FWW now says she always loved me. Yet her A lasted 10 years and straight through the first time I found out.

I've read some of the passionate love letters from her to OMM. She definitly loved him and was in love with him.

It did not feel like she loved me, even before I found out. Yet she now says she did. How can this be? Is she now rewriting history in the other direction?

I don't understand. I despair of ever understanding.


Ark: “bad treatment of the BS is internal hatred of their own action turned outwards...”

I’m not so sure of this. Maybe in some cases. But I think the primary motivation is intentionally creating distance. The WS needs secrecy and a certain distance from their spouse. Insulate oneself from potential enemies of the affair. Anger and hateful conduct is a sure-fire way to create that distance. It does not seem to matter whether the distance is to help justify the betrayals or to facilitate the necessary secrecy.

Speaking of isolation, Dante made the bottom circle of his vision of hell cold and dark. The ultimate sinners were traitors, frozen under the surface of a putrid lake in grotesque isolation - totally and completely alone for all eternity.

Ugh. I certainly do not want to be a traitor to anything or any one.

Edit: typos

Dantes Inferno is a remarkable piece of litature...

aph...no doubt that a ten year span affair...takes more than blip of cruel treatment as mentioned in the original post.....

ark

After work yesterday H had to run a few errands, he ended up stopping at a friends for a few minutes. I called his cell, and he mentioned he was there. I freaked.

Understand, when he had his affair it started while he was visiting a friend (albeit a different friend); and he was going on these visits with my blessing. The friend he visited for a few minutes yesterday was the one friend he confided in that he 'had a girlfriend', and this particular friend didn't tell me until after I knew, that he knew.

So I'm pretty conflicted over it.

All I ask is that he let me know *before* he stops into a friend's house. Further, the best situation is one where we travel together. That's the deal now, all of our free time activities are shared. We don't go anywhere without each other, except him to work and me to school, and any activities after work or school are either together or not at all.

I was very pissed.

Now, I know that it must seem like a blip of time that I suffered, especially compared to a ten-year affair! I can't imagine even surviving such a thing. As it is I was suicidal for months. I have profoundly changed. I used to be a self-confident happy-go-lucky type. I had a lot of friends, many I've had since childhood. I can't talk to anyone anymore, I've closed down. I was never jealous. I gave him complete freedom to do anything or go anywhere, even overnight. I trusted him and had him on this pedestal. I feel overwhelmed by the realization that he would risk all of that.

We talked a lot last night; I mentioned what you said Ark, about turning the anger outward toward me. He is not a soul-searching type of man. He didn't know if that applied, but agreed it made some sense.

He always says he doesn't know why he did it, and he doesn't *want* to know why. I feel like I *need* to know why. I am the type that has to know every detail. This month is full of cruel anniversaries of his wicked behavior.

I mentioned before that I witnessed my mother's suicide, and I was also gang-raped when I was 12-y-o virgin from which I still suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My IC feels that H was the one person I felt safe with, and that's part of the trouble, also the A exacerbated the PTSD symptoms. I believe that finding out about an A can precipitate PTSD. The current accepted theory in Med Community is that the discovery of an A can precipitate symptoms that "mimic" PTSD. I'm not a straight A student for nothing, I intend to specialize in marital dynamics (I am working on two majors and a minor: English, Political Sci, and Sociology) and I'm planning to go to graduate school (Law) and pursue specialized career incorporating marriage and family sociology/law. Maybe to end up as a family court judge someday where I can work until I fall off the bench.

But I digress. Even though my pain is not the same as someone who has had to live inside the lies and betrayal of an ongoing ten-year affair, I defy you to tell someone whose partner had an internet affair only that their pain does not compare. I only know how devastated I still am, and I hear these people who some might 'brush off' describing the same devastation and unspeakable pain as I feel. And I'm sorry I can't tell the difference. An A is an A is an A. I have invested 23 and a half years of my life devoted to this man above all others on earth. I am crushed.

Please don't get me wrong, Ark, I value your wisdom immensely!! I'm just in a bad/sad place right now, and I thank God I am able to express it, instead of cocooning like I normally would.

Swords (in my back)

Hi, I don't think I've ever posted to you, but something in your post struck me.......why do you keep comparing your pain to that of someone whose spouse was in a 10 year affair? Pain is pain, I think it would add insult to injury if someone discovered an affair and then that it had been going on for years, but I believe the pain to be similiar. My FWH wasn't in a really *long* affair, but it still put me into a wicked tailspin.

I can relate to a few things you said, I dropped all my friends for a really long time, I have since started talking to them again, but the subject of my marriage is off the table. They ask "So, how are you and FWH doing?" I say "Fine" I will not go into details, as I feel I am being judged. I talk about my marriage here, and that's about it.

I don't know where the rest of the people on MB dig up these supportive people, but absolutely NO ONE in my life gets it.....the standard reaction is I should've divorced my FWH and no biblical references seem to convince anyone, so I gave up.

I was suicidal too, for quite a while....I don't want to say that it's a normal reaction, because it's not, but it was the only way I could think of to deal (or not deal) with all the pain.

So anyway, I just wanted to respond to ya, and let you know that your pain is valid, that it hurts when the person you love betrays you, whether that person has been doing it for 10 years or 10 minutes.

-Caren

Hello, Caren,

My reference to time/pain was induced by this remark:


Not that I disagree that ten years would require a lot more cruel treatment, but in fact long term As sometimes are characterized by much more civil behavior than what was going on around here.

I mean out of nowhere smashing things, throwing things, breaking things and my own saucer-eyed reaction trying to understand what was going on, not to have the first clue for months. about 10 weeks into the affair my B-i-L suggested my H had a girlfriend and I argued with him, "H would *never* do that!!"


Agreed, except the standard reaction around here has been I should be glad I "won" and now get over it. My sister is the only person who truly understands, and she went through a worse version of it then I did, before I did. And while she was going through it, people said awful things about her. Before she had proof many friends/family didn't believe her. I'm just glad I never turned on her, because she has been a godsend for me going through this, and I know they are saying the same things about me now.

She ended up having to divorce her WXH. I've been told that if I'm not going to divorce him I should just get over it. Well I disagree. I have to accept the consequences of his actions, and so does he. And there are conseqences. Remember all that freedom you used to have. Wiped away forever. If you're breathing I want to know where, or you can get the F* out.


I've read about 6-8 books so far, and it may not be "normal" but it seems fairly standard.


Absolutely agreed. And the way society chooses [not] to deal with it is sick sick sick. No wonder there's a divorce rate of approx 50%.

Thanks for writing and good luck with everything.
Swords

10Swords, (I like the pen name, may I ask where it's from?)

"And how is it that the person he can find no redeeming value in now (OW) could have been so damned important that I completely faded off the radar?"

I am not the WS, but from what I have read from books and the MB folks is that it is the chemical saturation in the brain of a WS that transforms the loving faithful Spouse into an alien being.

The same chemicals that flood into a heroin or alcholics brain flood the WS's brain and actually changes his/her emotions and outlook on life.

Sorry this is such a simple, stupid reason, but it seems to always be the case.

k

swords..

Don't get me wrong in thinking I am minimizing the pain caused by the WS regardless of the length of time an affair occured....

I was mostly comparing the BRAIN power needed behind the pulling off of ten years of deception...

Our brains and human nature calls us to survive....and that spills over in to surviving our feeding of selfish behavior...

The gross creulity and outward blame and nothing the BS does is right...is a typical pattern....which is why it is my opinion it is a tool of justification and rationalization...

this is not to say that people who remain in long term affairs aren't creul because every minute spent in an affair is cruel...but it's more likely that as the time progresses the grossly abnormal existance of being in an affair....becomes so known to them...that they totally compartalmentalize its reality...this disconnection gives them great practice in not only disconnecting their double lives...but also disconnecting their emotions from all involved...too feel anything would most likely be so destructive...for it would force them to see reality
that I bet they avoid too many emotions at all...and engage in very few real ones with either party...
but all of that is only my opinion..

I do know you aren't the first BS to speak of cruel treatment during an affair...

and I do believe people do seperate even their own reality of action because of they would loathe themselves...

but mostly all of this is my own rambling opinion....

swords no one believes you MUST stay in a marriage that is not a healing/healed...

ARK

Ark,

Actually, I liked Purgatorio and Paradisio even better than Inferno. Much more depth of thought. The imagery is much more convincing.

Oh, and the tone is entirely hope and redemption. Much more uplifting than the first 33 cantos.

Swords: "...in fact long term As sometimes are characterized by much more civil behavior than what was going on around here."

I agree, completely.

Civility was the normal condition in my M.

And it was like slowly dying inside. No matter what I did, no matter what I tried, no matter how much I loved her, I ran into barriers and indifference. Occasionaly, an ouburt of anger and hatred, but then only if I got too close to the truth. Or, when W and OMM were fighting it was taken out on me, I know now.

Pain is pain. I don't know how to quantify it. I just lived it longer, I think. And I will live it for a long, long time to come.

10Swords,

The following thread will give you some great insight into the minds of WS’s and why they act the way they do:

How the wayward get wayward

Blessings,
Suzet

Aphelion,
that just breaks my heart. One of my hobbies is gardening, nurturing and caring for plants.

It's like you stayed there on your rocky soil clinging to life, I'm always so proud of plants that hang on through poor conditions, and if only you had received such a very little nurturing you would have bloomed more profusely than all the others.

In 1996 I got ten little bare root trees, (bascially little twigs) from the Arbor Day Foundation and I planted them in a nursery behind my house until they were big enough to move to a permanent spot. One little Golden Rain Tree I worried and worried over, he just wasn't doing well at all. After a while I decided he may not up out of the soil far enough so I lifted him creating higher ground. He did much better but I continued to fuss over him. Of all those trees he is the most beautiful of all, the tallest and strongest and when I moved him I put him outside my bedroom window. (He's now taller than my house!)

Your WS doesn't know what he missed out on.