Last night me and WS were having a good evening and then I read him a post from Just Learning (on the Dalton Dad thread), and he seemed to get a lot out of it.

I have realized that H is a huge conflict avoider and I just want to get to the guts of how he got swept into that relationship, so that I can guard our marriage from it ever happening again.

I mentioned on another thread that there was a huge breakthrough last night when H told me felt MOW "could solve all [his] problems."

It was late and I didn't push further.

I praised him this morning for having the courage to open up. I told him that I wanted to follow up on that so that I can understand. He started to LB by starting to do the AO thing he normally does whenever I want to discuss the A. I told him that I have come to realize that he is a conflict avoider and that his Angry Outburst is a lovebuster, and that I have been reading and trying very hard to learn and that I have been trying to be very careful to not LB when we talk about it; I told him that we will have to talk about it at some time, because until we talk it all out, like Just Learning wrote in his post about successful recovery, we will have problems, and I would rather deal with it head on, than try to sweep it under the rug. I said sweeping it under the rug doesn't help because it only allows our problems to fester and pus and grow, because I can still see the elephant in the room. All this in a very calm, loving caring and reassuring fashion.

He said that I say that discussing it will ensure that another affair won't happen, that it will enable to protect against it happening again. He said that he thinks discussing it will ensure that another Affair will happen!

He had to go, (this was over the phone).

I am tripping I'm sick with worry. What do I do?

In and out of counseling we have discussed how this A has upset the balance of power in our R. I met him when I was just 18. He was 26 and extricating himself from a 7-year marriage, his wife had been screwing his best friend for a year, he found out, they split up for a month (he moved out) then he came back home and started Revenge Screwing anything that moved. That ended the marriage. He moved in with the same sick friend, who was not sick at the time 25 years ago. Sick friend is from my home town. One night I met him outside a hangout. We've been together ever since.

I am much younger and have looked to him for direction, I have based my entire adult life on him my whole adult life has revolved around him. Ten years ago he went out into a blizzard and bought me my first computer as a birthday gift. I slept ate breathed that computer. I taught myself to build and repair computers. I had been working as a secretary for many years. I used my newfound computer experience to wangle a series of high tech secretarial jobs. That lead to a positions in tech support and then finally a job as LAN Administrator. After a few years I was laid off but with no bachelors it was hard to get a high paid position. At that time we were worrying about his health -- he has Hepatitis C. We decided together that I should go back to school and finish my degree so that he could retire and I would be able to pay our bills in the way we have become accustomed to living. I had been back in school making straight As for only two semesters when during my final exam week spring 04 on Mother's Day he and MOW slept together while he was down visiting sick friend in my home town.

Our MC said he was threatened because I had done all this stuff to fortify my newfound confidence and power in the R.

Instead of helping, the A has leveraged even more power my way.

I'm getting a headache. I want to be a whole successful person, but I don't want to lose my husband I have loved my whole life. I feel like such a weakling. What is happening to us? Am I going to have to leave? We've made all these plans to renew our vows, but he keeps saying that if he has to talk about the A he is going to leave because he is not strong enough to deal with it.

I can't live with it like this. I can't just take it, I can't just get over it. I'm not going to, I can't. I need to understand how that ugly ignorant floozy could have made him think she could solve all his problems!! She was married with kids at home, she is selfish and stupid, she's not interested in the world around her, everything is all for her petty little existence. She was cleaning toilets for a living; she lost that job after their A was exposed and now works as a cashier at a liquor store. She dresses sloppily, she is not pretty or sexy. She has an ugly body. She is disliked by the majority of people I know. I hate her!!

I'm hysterical I gotta go

Yikes!

I'm still new at this, so I don't have suggestions. Just wanted you to know someone is thinking about you.

Btw - my immediate though was to kick him out until he's ready to answer your questions, but that would probably be counter-productive.

Cat

Dear 10Swords,

is that the Tarot-10Swords? That's not a very good card my dear, I hope you'll move on to a more creative card soon.

You might have a problem similar to mine - your H feels inferior. The more you'll learn, the more reasonable you are, the more understanding - the more he'll feel like a failure. Possibly OW "helped" him because she "needed" him and made him feel important?

Basically H needs to grow up. You're no failure - you're way ahead of him, and some men don't like having to catch up. They prefer to lead.

Did you ever do the EN questionnaire? Could it be that admiration is in your H's top-3? If so, try to compliment him regularly and don't "slap" him around the ears with MB etc., however nice and sensible. Make him feel better about himself and have patience.

((((dear Aaaargh)))))) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />