Alright, since I seem to be in a posting mood today, I will ask about the other issue that seems to evade me.....

I have taken responsibility for owning my own emotions, and working through my own feelings. At this point, I do not feel like I need a MAN or SIGNIFICANT OTHER to help me with this. I have myself, my friends, and my counseling which help me work through issues.

My problem is letting myself be emotionally vulnerable to a person I might be romantically involved with. And as of right now, I'm not to the point of being ready. My problem is that I'm not certain I can trust a man. Trust them to be faithful, trust they will be honest with me, trust that they will not emotionally take advantage of me when I'm vulnerable.

All of these issues are things that have happened in past relationships - and I realize that I played a significant part by not standing up for myself, not having faith in myself, and 'needing' a relationship more than 'needing' to be myself. I have worked very intesely on my own issues over the past 2 years, and have come to a very comfortable place with myself. I feel strong, and am able to implement all this in my life as it is.

But I am TERRIFIED of a LTR. And while I know that now is not the right time for one, I worry that unless I work on my ability to trust and be emotionally vulnerable, that I will never make it to a point where I will be ready for a LTR. And in truth, I would like to get M again one day, have a family, and hopefully live a long and healthy M.

Is there a way to work on trust and emotional vulnerability without being in an LTR? Is there anything I can do on my OWN right now to test my abilities?

As it stands, I really believe that it will have to be very much 'the right' man to work with me through these issues. But I also don't want this future "RM" to bear the baggage that I carry from my previous relationships. But I also know my instinct is going to be not to trust.....at least for a long time, and until EVERYTHING is verified about this person. Is this a healthy thing, or does it border on paranoia? How can I address this without being in an LTR?

Thanks for any help and insight.

LIT, did you love and trust your Father? An Uncle? A GrandFather? There were men in your life at some point that were trustworthy and you loved and looked up too. I'm not talking about men you have had relationships with.

LIT I carried around the attitude that "All women suck" for a bit..very bitter and not trusting at all. What broke me free of that and gave me the ability to see it differently was thinking about people like my Mom, and Grandmother, and Aunts, and my Sister.

So it can't be 'all" women, just the one I married.

See what I mean? Seperate the issue of trustworthiness and emotional honesty from "men" to "that man"

That doesn't mean put blinders on and ignore the red flags, it does mean that you will be able to put your experience into perspective and you will stop projecting onto others what "ONE" man did to you.

Anyway, from this...

"As it stands, I really believe that it will have to be very much 'the right' man to work with me through these issues. But I also don't want this future "RM" to bear the baggage that I carry from my previous relationships."

You don't want him to bear the burden yet you are handing it to him by saying he wil have to be the "right man" to work with you through these issues.

LIT they aren't his burdens to carry, they are yours to fix now so you won't have baggage.

MHO opinion on this aspect is as follows....
I am 41 years old, I too want to marry again someday and have it last the rest of my natural life LIT, BUT (and this is a big BUT) I'm not going to spend the next however many years proving to a woman I am not her EX, just as I don't expect a woman to prove to me she isn't my WWXW.

See how much healthier that is?

Good Luck, you'll figure this thing out...you're a smart cookie

Reborn

RM - you are right - it IS my own baggage. And I do realize that. You did call me out, though on the 'right man' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> and rightfully so....quite obviously I have not conquered this beast yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

As for your reference to a man who I was able to trust and look up to, I think that's where I am short. I need to really evaluate that. My father and I did not have a good honest relationship. I have no doubt he loved me, but he did not care for me emotionally - he was very focused on my education and 'success' as in career. It was just very recently that we have moved a tiny bit closer in the emotional arena. As for uncles, they have all been long distance, and not very accessible. Grandfather passed away before I was born.

I do have a very good friend, though, from high school. He did want a relationship with me when we first met. But we transcended that, and he is one man I can truly say I trust and would tell anything to. And I know that he would care for me and about me.

So how do I take that trust and integrate that within myself? I think where I tend to deviate is when it changes from a 'friendship' to a 'relationship' - I fear the additional emotional investment. That is not their responsibility, but mine.

And just for the record, I am not bitter toward men or relationships at all. I'm just not quite ready for it myself. And I realize not all men are like that. In fact, I would venture to say that my experience has been based on a problem I had as well - choosing unhealthy partners. So I am certain there are good men out there who would be healthy and caring emotionally.....I've just got to find it within myself to recognize those men and learn to place my trust again.....

I guess it's like falling off a horse, and getting back on. I'm looking at that saddle..........gonna try to put one foot in the stirrup <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I spoke to this a bit in your other thread. It is important to do your own work first, but you cannot finish the process without a man (or men). You have to jump into the game and see if your training and preperation hold up, you can only do that by putting yourself at risk...will you be hurt? Probably. But you will survive, and you will get stronger every time.

Reborn and Knight.....

Perhaps what I am missing here is the ability to trust as opposed to the earning trust. I now know (from my as well as my H's As) that trust cannot be blind. And everytime I fell in love before my A, the trust was always blind, and never earned.

Since I have not started dating yet, I am unsure of my capabilities. And I suppose I won't know again until I am ready for some sort of relationship where trust would be needed.

I am hoping it's just that I've never experienced 'earned trust' - and that it's not the other way around. Thanks for all your comments!

I think LIT you're starting to "break the code" -- when you say ability to trust vs earning trust. No, blind trust isn't for the beginnings of any decent relationship. You can only blindly trust someone who's earned it repeatedly over years of opportunities to let you down.

My own Mother & Father I would blindly trust. No one else right now in my family. Well, maybe my little Sister....

Earned. Over years....

High Flight