It's been almost 2 months since I discovered my wife was having an affair. I've posted several times, and everyone has really helped. But I am getting worse. I know everyone tells me that time will heal, but to be honest it keeps getting harder. Not that the wife is doing anything wrong. She has done a 180, and I should be greatful. But the truth is with every passing day, a little more of my spirit dies! I wrote a letter that I want to give her. Normally I would not share this with everyone, but I'm uncertain that I should be this honest! So I've decided to post the letter before giving it to her. I state I'm not sure why I'm writing the letter, and for that matter, I'm not sure why I'm sharing it with everyone. Maybe someone can tell me why I feel the way I do. Everyone keeps telling me to quit dwelling on the past, but that seems to be impossible. I really want to die! But my belief in God won't allow me to take my life. I really wish I could. <BR>Anyways here's what I wrote her. I would like to know if it's too much honesty, and if anyone one has any advise, I could use some. <P><BR>Lisa,<P> Every time before when I've written you a letter, I had a purpose, but this time I do not know why, or have a purpose. I don't know what you can do for me except pray, but I can't take anymore. This isn't a good by letter, but I can't keep going on like this. It is killing me! I have always loved you, that's why I didn't ever leave you, even through the bad times. But I'm not coming to terms with what has happened. I know I am as much to blame as you are. I know you are sorry, and I know you love me. I love you too! So much that my heart won't ever be the same again, no matter if we part or stay together. I thought I was gonna make it, but after I got up last night, I went outside and just bald. I can't keep on going like this! Leaving won't solve my problems, but staying is killing me. I want to move on, and every time I think I'll be ok, I fall. And every time I fall, I hit harder than the time before. I know no matter what happens in my future, when judgement day comes, and I'm asked what I regret most, I will have to answer with the way I treated you to make you do what you did! If I had only given you my love, you wouldn't have given your love away. You said last week that I guess you will hold this over my head for the rest of my life. The real truth is I will have to live with what was done for the rest of my life. Both your decisions and mine. I know you didn't think I loved you, and I know you love me now, but how do I go on? The hurt is too much, the pain is too intense. If leaving would help I would leave, but I know that won't help. If I had the guts to end my life, I would! I am not trying to place a guilt trip on you by saying that, but we promised each other honesty, and honestly I feel that way. I don't know why I'm giving you this letter, or what I expect you to do. Actually there isn't anything you can do or say to me that will make things ok. Only God can help me, and if that doesn't work I don't know what to do. Please pray for me!<P>Your husband.<P><BR>

my H could have written that letter himself. He has felt the same way. <P>I think you should give it to her. It isn't hateful or mean, and you aren't lovebusting that I can see. She needs to know how you feel. You aren't leaving or asking her to leave. Maybe it can open a line of conversation... or maybe you can let it go once it's said??<P>My H and I had our first great day since discovery (or even months before that). We have agreed to let the past stay there and only talk of today forward. We've both betrayed (he did 12 yrs. ago) and I had a very hard time letting go myself. <P>Take care and I hope you can find a peace soon... keep up the praying... it works wonders!<P>~Sheryl<P><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Hi, It's awful when you feel that low I know. I can't say i know how you feel because I don't. If your wife and you can get help together it would help. Maybe some anti depressents would help in the short term. I know my husband used them for a while when I confessed my affair. It almost killed him. Although we not are together, we are good freinds, and both have learnt a great deal. Time heals, I read your letter, I think you should put it way for a day or so. And re read it. If you feel the same way, don't change it, I would suggest you reword some of this.<BR> "if I had the guts to end my life, I would! I am not trying to place a guilt trip on you by saying that, but we promised each other honesty, and honestly I feel that way."<BR> You are feeling quite bad, and you may not feel like this in a couple of days. Some women think men say things like this if are weak, and needy. This have devistated your life, it's like death. You may feel like part of you has died. But, even with this, your life may become better, because if you can work it out, your marriage will be better than ever. Because you will both learn to talk to each other, and share. And then maybe one day the trust may come back. <P>sometimes writting and venting is the best thing, bewcause you can edit the letter many times befor you give her the letter. <P>Also, sign the letter with love, because you do love her, and sign it with your name. When you give it to her, don't leave it lying around the house, tell her you wrote it, and if you can sit with her when she reads it and don't say anything, untill she ready to talk. Just hold her after, if you can. you might be surprised this may help you both.<P>take care.<BR>

RWC,<P>I can honestly tell you that I have felt the same way you do right now my friend. Things don't seem to be getting better do they? It is hard enough to make it through every day, living with the betrayal by the most important person in your life, but when others tell you to just "get over it"...it only makes it worse.<P>You aren't very far into this whole process yet, it will get better, and it will get Worse for you. The only thing that will change is that Time will go by.<P>I would like to tell you one simple thing: You are NOT to blame for your Wife having an affair, the fault is hers. No matter what issues needed to be addressed in your marriage, and there might not have been ANY, there is not, and never has been a legitimate excuse for a husband or wife, to destroy the marriage you two have entered into.<P>I too, have stared into the abyss that you are now looking into. It is deep, and it is black, and it seems to have NO end. And to be truthful, in one sense it doesn't. But on the other hand, You, after exploring this darkness, can come to the realization that you are Alive, and you can Live, and that what your wife has done to you, although it can never be explained, can be survived. It will be up to you to decide if you can live with her in the future. <P> I tell you this as a Man who is 10 months into the Discovery that his wife had been with another man for almost 5 years. I am NOT over it, and I never will get over it, but I am able now, after these long months have passed, to maintain my existence from day to day. It is hard, and it is painful, and somedays seem to have no end, but I am here to tell you that YOU can go on.<P>Never give up, among the things I have learned from this horrible experience, is that I had in fact, lost a part of myself during my wife's betrayal, and that Now that I have proof, I am slowly finding my way back to myself. Perhaps this will be true for you too. Deep inside you resides the person you were in the past, and it is likely that you have lost sight of Him, and who you are, but you are still there, and your task now is to search him out.<P>I wish you the best my brother, I have walked in those shoes you now wear. I have cried those tears that fall on your cheeks. And my heart too has been broken into a million pieces. I am here to tell you what I know, the trail through this jungle has been broken before me by others, I now am in front of you, and can tell you what I have seen.<P>Never Give UP,<BR>DG99(H)

What dg99 said!

RWC<BR>I have also been there and a few times not just over infidelity,... that was the worst,... but in all of them the hopeless feelings and the not really seeing what the use of carrying on with life was all for was ever present, to the stage where I didnt care whether I lived or died....but like you I lacked the courage to carry it out......<P>But consider just maybe it was God that intervened already and stopped it from being carried out ..?? so maybe I was blinded to that possiblity at the time..?? maybe you are as well...??? worth pondering..?? maybe there are beings and angels around you that love and care for you very much indeed to want the best for you,? and are trying very hard to get you to see that....??? <P>Just maybe some of what you lost was a little dependence on your wife for your happiness and now you have to go a little more responsible for your own happiness by being alone without her for awhile..?? and just maybe you are gaining strength already in spite of yourself without recognising it because you are stuck in the drama and pain of it all..???<P>I can tell you it does get better!! and it is worth the struggle..!!! you do get stronger..!!! and you do get better..!!!and you do get a sense of self more than you ever did...!!!and you never do feel that way again because you change....and way down the track you do see how you are better off for the experience and that some of what you thought was great in your marriage was not that great at all and some of it could have been a leaning dependency and not love???...<P>Maybe thats when you will see how you can stand on your own two feet and stand next to your wife not rely on her for your happiness and support...thats when you have the strength to be you...and she can support you standing up side by side...<P>When we love someone as dearly as you obviously love her, you do go thru a grieving that does take time to heal....so allow yourself that time....it will pass like all grief does...what other choice do you have but to go forward from here..?<P>I think the letter is fine as it is...that is how you feel and that is the truth...I think it ought to be sent asap....not to get her to do anything but as a small balm for your own healing...just a sharing of your innermost feelings with someone you love regardless of where she is at...<P>There are some issues you could look at...<P>1....As disgace99d has pointed out you are not responsible for her actions...not at all...!!!! you may have contributed to her decision by lack of whatever...but the decision to have the affair was hers and hers alone..so take some of the rocks off your shoulders!! it is heavy enough carrying the ones you are carrying without adding someone elses load to it...<P>2...Find other ways you can support her to gently allow her the space and insight to gain understanding and self forgiveness...<P>3...Make yourself very busy occupying that mind that seems to delight in recalling the drama and devastation over and over...for your suffering and depression...<P>4...You could ask yourself why you want to keep recalling this drmam in order to keep yourself stuck in the pain and suffering...what is the payoff in this for you..? If there is none then you will have to drop it and get on with life wont you..?<P>Our blessings go to you in your hour of need and suffering and know you are cared for and loved more than you may think...<P>cossie <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

RWC..<BR>I'm starting a new thread to see if you are still around. Take care, please write when you need to.<P>DG99(H)

Up to the top to see if RWC saw it.<BR>