My wife and I have been married for just about 3 months. Our sex life started to slow down as the marriage approached and once we started living together (just before marriage). I don't think it was anyone's fault. We were just tired and had a lot going on. We were still having sex at least once a week so that was working out ok. Two weeks ago she had surgery which required her to be hospitalized for a couple of days. Everything went well but her recovery required her to be fairly inactive for a month or so. In fact, in the week before the surgery we were reading up on recovery and it said "no sex for 4 weeks". We joked about that and I said "your hand is going to still work, right?". It was obviously a joke and we both laughed about it but it was also one of those jokes that has some level of truth to it. At any rate, she's been home recovering for nearly 2 weeks now and everything has been going well. We haven't had sex and I've been ok with that but I'm starting to get a bit crazy and feel like I'm going to snap if I don't get some relief! We were in bed last night and I asked her how much longer before we could have sex. She said "I'm afraid it's going to be another couple of weeks". I have to admit I thought maybe we could try it because she's been well ahead of schedule on her recovery and I certainly think she could "handle it", but I understood and didn't push it. However, I was really hoping she would offer to use her hand on me or something and she didn't. I have to admit, it was sort of a test and I felt like she failed badly. I don't want to come off sounding like a sex obsessed jerk but I don't think I'm being out of line. What concerns me most is that I definitely have a tendency to be sexually compulsive and I have a history of relying on porn and other things, although I've been pretty good since we got married. I feel like I may turn to that again now because of our current situtation and what happened last night. I just feel like she doesn't have any interest in that. I had many girlfriends before my wife and I know that any one of them would have done something in that situation last night. Granted, I love my wife more than any of those girls and I didn't marry her for the sex. But I just feel bad about the whole experience and I feel like if at 3 months we can't even consider being sexually creative when circumstances don't allow us to have sex that we may have a problem down the road. Am I out of line?

Yes.

“””We were in bed last night and I asked her how much longer before we could have sex. She said "I'm afraid it's going to be another couple of weeks". I have to admit I thought maybe we could try it because she's been well ahead of schedule on her recovery and I certainly think she could "handle it", but I understood and didn't push it.”””

First off, who are you to say what she can and can not handle. The medical literature said 4 weeks, why did you even ask the question? I must say, that was EXTREMELY selfish. Now she’s left with feeling somewhat inadequate because she won’t do something that’s against medical advice to please you. And, dude, if you’re focusing on it, you will go crazy but you won’t explode. I went without sex for over 3.5 years, I didn’t explode. I went without any type of ejaculation for over a year, I didn’t explode.

“””However, I was really hoping she would offer to use her hand on me or something and she didn't. I have to admit, it was sort of a test and I felt like she failed badly.”””

Actually, you failed badly not her. You failed to be open and honest and directly communicate. She heard you ask when you could have sex again and she answered. She can’t read your mind. If you wanted a hand job, why didn’t you ask for one? Heck, some women find it very appealing watching you take matters into your own hands, lending a touch here and there.

“””I don't want to come off sounding like a sex obsessed jerk but I don't think I'm being out of line.”””

You put expectations in her either going against the doctors order and having sex with you or reading your mind and giving you a hand job. In my opinion, those are unrealistic expectations and now you are forming resentments.

“””I feel like I may turn to that again now because of our current situtation and what happened last night.”””

That’s a total cop out. Grow-up, be a man, and live in the real world. Dude, talk sweet to her and if the mood is right, politely ask her to yank your chain. But don’t use your poor communication skills as a lame excuse to dive into porn. You control yourself. If you choose to yank to porn, THAT IS YOUR CHOICE and your wife has absolutely nothing to do with that.

“””we can't even consider being sexually creative when circumstances don't allow us to have sex that we may have a problem down the road.”””

Who said you can’t be sexually creative? She didn’t, you just did. If you want to be creative then communicate that to her. Don’t expect her, after having surgery that recommends no sex for a month, to eagerly be plotting ways to get you off, especially if you haven’t properly communicated that to her.

“””Am I out of line?”””

Sex, at some point, may very well creep in as an issue in your life at some point but seriously, right now the larger issue is communication skills and how many times have you heard that COMMUNICATION is the key to a successful marriage. While you’re here, please take a moment to read through the literature on this site. Pay particular attention to the “Love Busters” part. They are broken down into 5 categories, last night, in my opinion, you did things that love busted in 2 of those categories and if you go ahead and yank to porn you’ll breech another category.

Remember, I said I understood that she wasn't ready for sex and did not push it. The only reason why I felt like maybe she would be ready is because she has been able to do many other things that we were told she would not be ready to do. As I said, she is well ahead of where we expected her to be in her recuperation. But I respected the fact that she wasn't ready and left it alone.

And another point--sex is for US! It's not just me getting off.

Yes, communication...absolutely...could not agree more...but it's one of those things that you shouldn't HAVE to say. And it's also something that I would feel like a complete idiot asking her for. Remember, we talked about not being able to have sex and I raised the issue of other forms of gratification to her, albeit as a joke but the issue was raised. No, she can't read my mind but does she really need to have that skill in order to know what I'm thinking?!

The porn thing may be a cop out, yes, I will admit it. But the fact of the matter is it has been an issue in my past. Cop out or not, it's on the table so to speak. I don't think it is accurate to say that my wife has nothing to do with the fact that I may or may not turn to it.

The point is, it just would be nice if this was something she was aware of and if she would take some initiative and be creative without me giving her instructions on what to do. To be honest, if I have to ask her to do it then I will just do it myself. I know that's not the way it should be but that's the way I feel about it. I admit to some level of "failure" in this situation but please consider where my wife has failed as well. And "scubachick2", if you are unable to provide a more well thought out answer or reasoning behind your response, then don't respond.

Hey Willie, I have to run to lunch but will take the time to respond when I return. In the mean time, could you please tell what kind of surgery your wife had 2 weeks ago.

Nobody's dies for going a few weeks w/o sex. You'll live. Or take matters into your own hand. I'm pretty sure your W is aware of your wants, and assuming your relationship is solid, she'll be wanting to meet those wants when she's ready.

On the other hand, for whatever reason, your W had surgery, and even if she was up dancing the next day, your mission is to support her regardless. This is a fabulous time to build up serious bank in the old love bank so when she's ready you can collect in spades...

Are you out of line wanting relief? Nope. Are you out of line for hitting your W up for it before she apparently was ready? Probably.

I'd encourage you to read BC and bone up on a few items like safe negotiation in marriage, and RH and other concepts. You use the phrase "I've been pretty good since we've been married", implying you've slipped a few times, just not enough to concern you... And this is just at 3 months. Wait until marriage gets tough. Dr. H has much good material on this site you and your W need to read, absorb, apply.

There seems to be a serious misconception about me "hitting my wife up" for sex. I did no such thing. So how was I out of line in this case?

I'd suggest before anyone replies to a topic here they read the original post carefully, then read it again.

Yes indeed, my mission is to support my wife during recovery and I've done that quite well. Was that ever raised as an issue?

“””Remember, I said I understood that she wasn't ready for sex and did not push it.”””

Which is great, however, you were armed with the knowledge that the doctors had recommended that she not engage in those activities for 4 weeks. That she is reaching other milestones does not change that fact. Even though you didn’t “push it” I’d be willing to bet that not only did this not sit well inside with your wife, it has also led you to your current resentment.

“””And another point--sex is for US! It's not just me getting off.”””

That is correct. Sex is for y’all. Not knowing what type of surgery she had does hamper my response a little. In your initial post you referred to needing relief or you were going to snap. We are not talking about a desire to make love or be intimate; we are talking about your perception of needing relief or your going to snap. Getting relief so you don’t snap, as you stated, does not sound like your looking for some type of mutually rewarding endeavor. If you simply need temporary relief while your wife in unable to perform sex there is always the shower.

“””Yes, communication...absolutely...could not agree more...but it's one of those things that you shouldn't HAVE to say.”””

I totally disagree with you here. If you have a need and you don’t express it then that’s a problem. Open, honest, and direct communications will resolve that problem. Saying that “SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN” is disrespectful to your wife. If you didn’t tell her openly, honestly, and directly then you’ve not given her the tools to know what’s going on. She’s not you, doesn’t think like you, doesn’t have the same priority on emotional needs as you.

“””And it's also something that I would feel like a complete idiot asking her for.”””

And why is that? Expressing a valid need shouldn’t harbor negative feelings.

“””Remember, we talked about not being able to have sex and I raised the issue of other forms of gratification to her, albeit as a joke but the issue was raised.”””

Or to her, it could have been what it was, A JOKE. You can’t expect her to read between the lines.

“””I don't think it is accurate to say that my wife has nothing to do with the fact that I may or may not turn to it.”””

Unless porn, can jump up, grab you, and make you run into a corner and force you to stare at it then my original statement is accurate. You control yourself. Your wife doesn’t control you, porn doesn’t control you, no one is responsible for your choices except you.

”””The point is, it just would be nice if this was something she was aware of and if she would take some initiative and be creative without me giving her instructions on what to do.”””

Then make her aware of it. If you choose to give her instructions that’s up to you. I’m still very curious as to the nature of her surgery, if it has anything to do with “Female Parts”, then I truly would suggest taking matters into your own hands a time or two WITHOUT the use of porn to do so.

“””To be honest, if I have to ask her to do it then I will just do it myself.”””

Again, if you’re asking her to read your mind then don’t be upset if she reads it wrong.

Oh, and PS, while y'all are on a little break, it may be a great time to print out the emotional needs questionares and get to working towards a healthier, happier, more fulfilling marriage.

“””There seems to be a serious misconception about me "hitting my wife up" for sex. I did no such thing. So how was I out of line in this case?

I'd suggest before anyone replies to a topic here they read the original post carefully, then read it again.”””

OK, I’ve read it and I’ve read it again, heck I’ve even read it carefully and it doesn’t change the facts. Before surgery, which again it would be helpful to know what kind of surgery, you had full knowledge from medical professionals that she should not engage in intercourse for 4 weeks. At week two, in what ever manner you did, you chose to try to question that target. You’ve come on here saying that you think she should be ready by the other indications of her recovery.

And you seem resentful that she didn’t offer some type of relief. In my humble opinion you willfully crossed several lines. First trying to second guess the doctors about thinking she should be ready. Second, putting your wife in the position to restate what has already be clearly defined (and ps. If this was any type of vaginal surgery then I, myself, would add to list of lines you crossed because you have no idea by any other indications when that would be healed enough for her to have a pleasurable experience). Third, expecting her to read your mind. Fourth, drawing resentments towards your wife for unreasonable expectations.

As you can see, I'm very adamant about personal responsibility and taking full account for ones own actions whether they be reasonable or unreasonable mainly because in the end the only thing you control is you. To that extent, I'm simply asking that you focus on what you did.

Surgery was not on any female parts or regions!

Good point about my "sex is for us" comment. My issue here is that my needs are not being fulfilled, so I suppose that negates the statement somewhat.

I continue to stick to my point about not "having to say" it. I think you raise very valid points but the bottom line is my wife knows that I am missing this and she knows that she can easily do something to help. Just as I am always looking to help her in any way I can during her recovery because I know she can't do certain things. She shouldn't have to ask me to lift something heavy and she shouldn't have to ask me to take something out of the cupboard and she shouldn't have to ask me to carry the laundry bag and she doesn't have to ask me because when I see she needs assitance I help her without asking.

The other concern about asking her is that I do not want her to do something that she doesn't want to do, and I really can't help but think that if she wanted to do this she would take the initiative and do it. The fact that she doesn't take the initiative makes me think that she finds the whole concept unpleasant. With old girlfriends, it was always such a thrill when they would take the initiative with anything sexual because it showed that it was something that turned them on as well. What if I ask her and it is clear that she does not want to do it? That's something that I don't really feel like I'm ready to deal with, and it leads to the porn issue. If it becomes clear to me that sex is a chore or unpleasant or an obligation to my wife, that is when I feel I would turn to porn and other things. And in that respect, I do think my wife has some responsibility. But I would also acknowledge my own accountability.

“””I continue to stick to my point about not "having to say" it.”””

That’s fine, you can either come to this place with an open mind and the willingness to seek help for your situation or you can stick to your points, that’s your choice.

“””I think you raise very valid points but the bottom line is my wife knows that I am missing this and she knows that she can easily do something to help.”””

You know this how? Did you say “Honey, I know that you’re going through recovery and that is going to take time, but I would like to find a way to have my needs met while you are recuperating. Can we talk about this?” OK, so if you didn’t specifically relate to her something of this nature then don’t [censored]-U-ME that she KNOWS. SHE MAY NOT KNOW. She may think after your conversation last night that you want SEX and she can’t do that.

“””when I see she needs assistance I help her without asking.”””

Which is fine, BUT SHE AIN’T YOU.

”””The fact that she doesn't take the initiative makes me think that she finds the whole concept unpleasant.”””

OK, that really has no bearing on this what-so-ever because once again SHE IS NOT YOU. Unless you possess the ability to read minds, since we’ve already determined that she can’t, then you have no idea why she doesn’t do it. Could be because of past sexual history, could be from fear that it will lead to you wanting sex, could be because she hasn’t had it expressed properly to her and she doesn’t even KNOW. The real fact is YOU DON’T KNOW WHY. If you learn anything from this site, learn that it is disrespectful for you to make decisions for your spouse. You aren’t even giving her a chance to do anything because you won’t talk to her openly and honestly about it.

“””What if I ask her and it is clear that she does not want to do it?”””

Then you know EXACTLY what is going on instead of all the dancing around. It also puts the issue out there for discussion and resolution.

“””If it becomes clear to me that sex is a chore or unpleasant or an obligation to my wife, that is when I feel I would turn to porn and other things. And in that respect, I do think my wife has some responsibility.”””

This cannot be a true statement if followed by

“””But I would also acknowledge my own accountability.”””

Whether it’s having an affair or getting your rocks off to a dirty picture magazine, IT’S YOUR CHOICE. Your wife wouldn’t be the one turning the sticky pages, you would by your own conscious decision to do so. You can justify it and rationalize it all you want but bottom line is it’s your choice regardless of any actions your wife has taken or not taken.

Just thouhgt I'd point out that there are men on this forum that haven't had sex with their wives in years and they are still living to tell of it, and have not turned to porn.

You've come here with your mind made up, apparently hoping that somebody will vindicate your choice, so perhaps you can run to your wife saying see, see, the other kids in the playground agree with me....

If your W isn't doing something you think she should, then the best person to ask is her. Maybe she thought of it, but didn't think you'd be into it. Maybe she hasn't thought of it because really, whatever's happened is more traumatic than she lets on.

Maybe she doesn't even like the idea at all. But the only person who knows is at your home, and everything here is speculation and conjecture.

Or mindreading/telepathy, since she is apparently also required to be a mindreader and know your needs and wants. And just because you're a saint and have mad skillz that enable you to be everything she needs and wants, perhaps she's just not quite at your level of relational skillz.

And I think it's a long reach to hang the future of your marriage on any single issue, even "creativity in the bedroom".

Yes, I have come here with my mind made up. I'm frustrated by this experience, it concerns me, and I'm venting. I don't anticipate that anyone here is going to agree with my point of view at this point, and I know there are others here with more serious problems so I'd suggest we all move on.

Of course the best person to ask is my wife, and of course the best thing to do is to communicate with her about it. But how about one person here say "Boy, it's a bloody shame that after only 3 flippin' months of marriage you have to do that!". Stop with the "mindreading" malarkey people. It's not like I'm asking her to guess what color socks I'm going to wear tomorrow. It's a basic human need! And as for others who have lived without sex for years and have not turned to porn, well bully for them but #1) I've acknowledged that pornography is an issue for me in my past and #2) Is living without sex for years really the goal?!

“””Yes, I have come here with my mind made up.”””

That’s too bad. If you don’t open up your mind then change isn’t possible and again that’s your choice. You can choose to live in the problem or live in the solution.

“””I'm frustrated by this experience, it concerns me, and I'm venting.”””

And we are trying to help you.

“””But how about one person here say "Boy, it's a bloody shame that after only 3 flippin' months of marriage you have to do that!".”””

OK, Boy, it’s a bloody shame that after only 3 flippin’ months of marriage that your communication skills are such that you can’t express a valuable needs.

“””Stop with the "mindreading" malarkey people. It's not like I'm asking her to guess what color socks I'm going to wear tomorrow. It's a basic human need!”””

OK, if you have read anything on this site you’d see that is full of crap. Your desire to drop a load is not one of your wife’s emotional needs. If you take time to fill out the emotional needs survey’s with your wife, you may be amazed. Granted, I’m willing to bet that your top need is Sexual Fulfillment but what are your wife’s top 5 needs. Are you meeting them?

This place is based on a pretty simple concept. Find out what each other’s top 5 needs are and strive to meet them. Remove all selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, independent behaviors, and dishonesty from your communication. Practice RADICAL HONESTY. When faced with obstacle handle them with a Policy of Joint Agreement. Do these things with your partner and your relationship will improve. That being said, in your posts you may have made selfish demands or had a little angry outburst (we are not there to here you speak). On this forum you have made many Disrespectful Judgments on your wife. You are talking about participating in independent behaviors by thinking you may choose to flog to porn WITHOUT even having the courtesy to discuss this with your wife. And in no way are you being Radically Honest.

This situation would have been an excellent area for a Policy of Joint Agreement. Armed with the knowledge before the surgery you two could have and should have enthusiastically came up with an agreement on how to handle matters. You didn’t. We’ve suggested that you still could come up with an agreement and you won’t. So rather than receive some solid advice that will help you and your marriage, you’d rather start storing up those resentments which will hurt your marriage. Then have someone to blame when you’re sneaking peeks at someone’s drugged out daughter in a porn mag. Dude, how old are you? Cause quite frankly, you sound like either you are so full of yourself that you might explode or your only 13. And I’m not saying these things to be insulting, I’m saying them as observations of your behavior and lack of knowledge about how relationships work.

“””Is living without sex for years really the goal?!”””

No, building a wonderful marriage is the goal. But some women have medical problems that prevent sex or make it where sex is painful, so what then?

ah, its sympathy that you want. . . recognition that you are not getting what you are entitled to and expect, and the understanding that whatever your thoughts are, she should know them. . .

kind of presumptuous, doncha think? or maybe not, but then again, i am divirced because my XW told me that I should have known without her telling me, what i should have done, and then again, i couldn't do anything right. . .

kind of circular, eh?

wiftty

I used to feel like you do, that my wife should want to continue giving me sexual pleasure if she isn't necessarily up for it because hey, I make sacrifices every once in a while too eh? And it is not like we need to have sex sex, she can do other stuff? SO why doesn't she hook me up? Believe me you won't get anywere assuming that she will know WTF you want. Women are wired differently.

It is like her wanting you to put in that overtime at work so you could make that extra $$. If you don't do it right then and there, should she be upset that you didn't meet her emotional need for financial security? Hey, don't laugh, Emotional Needs are Emotional Needs. Unless you know that she would like these things all you can do is guess. The same goes with her.

So talk to her, be sweet and payful, ask her what you could do, if anything, to make her feel good?

Maybe offer her a massage for a BJ? Or to cook her a great dinner for some oil and her soft hands?