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#1425873 07/15/05 09:05 AM
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So as not to t/j Krusht's thread, I copied your post over.

my wife and I have been married for 7 yrs have to kids d-9 & s-3 we have been together for 8 years. I adoptied my daughter on on our anniverasry 2 years ago. Up to that point we had had a good marriage. shortly after the adoption my wife and I began to grow apart, although I did not realize it untill now.

on 5/24/05 my world came crashing down on me, when my wife left me and our kids. She gave the usual excuse that she "loved me but was not in love w/ me" She swore that there was no one else, and that she just need time to work on herself. So she moved 30 miles away into a very questionable house and neighborhood.

I began working on my self by seeing a counselor and by reading everything I could find about marital problems. My best friend told me about MB and I started reading everthing I could find on this web site.

On 6/17/2005 I found a number on my wife cell bill that she was calling at all times of the day and night for long periods of time usually 30 to 40 minutes each and many times per day. I called the number and a man answered, when I told him who I was and asked why he was calling my mife so often he cursed and hung up. When I confronted my wife about the calls she got very angry and told me that it was none of my business who she talked to becasue we did not live together any more. She swore that the pereson was just a friend and that she had met him while taking care of his dad at a nursing home she works at. The next day the om calls me and tries to cover his but becasue I know him and he is married and twice my wife's age. I caught him in several lies during our conversation, of course he said that he was only trying to help me and my wife get back together. I told him if he was really interested in that that he would not take my wifes calls and would end all contact with my wife. K-( my wife ) says she has brokien off all contact w/ the om. I really dont believe her because she is still was to secretive and has removed her cell from my bill to prevent me from checking it agian.

we have had very little contact except when we are meeting to excahnge the kids for vistis with their mom. But yesterday she was fired from her job for failure to show up and a poor attitude. I am afraid she will want to move home now becasue she cannot afford to be on her own. I still love my wife and do want her back, but I want her back becasue she wants to be with me not becasue she cannot make it on her own. I really don't feel like she has made any effort to work on herself and that I am beter off without her right now. Any advice for you folks that have been through this sort of thing would help. I have tried negotiating w/ her but she will not talk unless it has to do with our kids. not sure where to go. thanks for taking the time to read this and respond if you have advise.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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thanks I was not sure how this whole thing works


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Where is she living right now?

It is very difficult to work on a marriage when not living together. But before you have her back, read all of the stuff here.

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believer-
she has rented a house in a bad neighborhood in a town 30 miles away in the town she did work in. I have been reading everthing on this site and have wanted to put it to use but have not had the chance. I have been writing her letters sending cards and trying to make conversation when given the chance. I think it might be best if I pull back for right now till she gets out of the funk or "fog" she seems to be in. Right now her only concern seems to be her not the kids or me.
amu thoughts


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Have you exposed this to OM's wife?

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not at this point I am struggling with if it is right or not I dont want to be vindictive but do feel like she has a right to know. I do have a letter written and copies of the bill to send to om's wife but have not sent it at this point becasue I am afraid it will hurt my chances of reconciation w/ k (my wifE). should I send the letter?


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Exposure is absolutely critical. If you send it, are you sure she will get it? You might want to call her first.

There are a bunch of guys here going through this right now. So you have lots of company.

And yes, your wife will be furious. But she will get over it.

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Bluntly, letting the affair continue is the worst thing you can do for your chances of reconciliation, IMHO. By exposing it to his wife, it should hopefully force the affair into the open, and subsequently cause the affair to die off.

I'm not one of the 'experts' here...but I'd suggest that you expose the affair to start leading to the end...and at the same time, you're going to need to take steps to protect yourself and your kids.

Make no mistake...your wife will be FURIOUS...but what she's unable to see at this point is that you are STILL married. She moved out...so in her mind, your marriage is already over. This puts you in a bad position, at least from my point of view. All you can do is to "plan A"...which means to work on yourself and your kids. Make yourself the more attractive choice when/if she's forced to choose between the two...and exposure will force that choice at some point.

Look for advice from some of the real 'pros' here tho...they've been around a lot longer than me.

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Hi Turp

I agree with Owl, exposing the affair will kill it. OM's already shown he is afraid of exposure, OM currently having cake and eating it.

After exposure expect some fireworks from the WW - ultimately this is the way to get your marriage back, you will have to fight for your marriage, read further on the MB. You WW is in serious FOG at the minute.

Good luck

FreeAllAngels


Me 40 WW 38 (NC since 18 June 2005) SS9, DS4, DD2 D/Day 24 April 2005 EA/PA 1/05 to 4/05 Both working at relationship Been here before with exWife, and will not be here again!
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How can I be assured that the om's wife will get the info other than hand deliver it to her, which I am not sure I should do. I have thought about sending the letter with a return reciept. I have tried to call their home but the numbers are unlisted. Any ideas?


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Personally, I would hand deliver it. I went to OW's home (with her there), knocked on the door, and asked to speak to her husband. He heard us talking and came to the door. I asked him if he had a moment to come outside and talk. It was not easy, but worked just fine.

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believer-
were you able to reconcile after the affair was in the open


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Nope - WH is still living with OW. But I found this site very late - after I had thrown him out. I didn't do Plan A, and did a bad Plan B. Also our kids are grown.

So your situation is MUCH more encouraging.

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I hope so I still love my wife very much, but can't stand how this is effecting both our kids. They are both hurting so badly, and miss there mom so much. I thought that my daughter was taking it very hard until I heard my son crying when he was talking to his mom asking her to come home last night any ideas on how to help a 3 yr old cope w/ why moms not here. I just keep trying to assure both kids that Mom loves them very much and that it not their fault and that I Love them very much.


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YIKES! A three year old is difficult. I would just keep the kids busy and on a strict routine.

EXPOSE the affair, and it may end. I would do that soon.

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I have been keeping the kids busy lots of swimming, horseback riding and other fun stuff to keep their mind off of everthing. Also been trying to keep to a steady routine. you know bed at sme time and all that stuff. Right now I feel like I am limbo and it really stinks


turp

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