After nearly three years of going back and forth with my ex-h, in Sept of 2003, I decided it was time to get myself together emotionally and end my marriage. I filed for divorce in Feb of 2004 and it became final in Nov 04. Since filing - I decided to get back into dating. I had a serious rebound relationship from March 04 until Aug 04. I realized that my 1st relationship moved rather quickly and it was important for me to take things slowly & learn to have fun dating.

In Feb, I met a really nice guy. We became friends, although, it was apparent that he was interested in being more than friends. He was also divorced and, in my opinion, seemed to be much like myself and over his ex-wife (she was a WS like my ex-h). I being cautious, wasn't sure if he was just playing games & decided to watch his behavior. By April, I decided that he was a nice enough guy & never seemed to pressure me or made any sexual advances - we were friends and by May we started dating. Last week, his ex-wife reappeared. She said some things about missing their family and wants to reconcile. I, of course, am clearly upset, but I spoke to him and told him I understand his position and I know the road he is on now. He told me that he honestly thought it was over and he is in the process of hearing her out. He has some serious trust issues with her, but again - having lived this myself - I know that he will have to make a very tough decision on reconciliation with her. I also explained that he & I could not be in contact because my presence would hamper what he needs to sort out.

Considering that I learned a great deal about this man over the period of six months, it would be a lie if I didn't say I cared a great deal for him and was falling in love with him.

That is my story - but I have a question - because to me - he seemed to be in the same place as myself - emotionally divorced from his ex wife - are there certain ques, questions or behaviors you look for in dating now? I'm curious to see if I may have neglected something during the time I spent getting to know him.

Thanks! Vee

How long was he divorced?

Did the two of you ever have a talk about where you were emotionally? He really may have believed he was over his wife. This really isn't terribly uncommon. How long was he married and how long has he been divorced? I think these are the two most important determinants.

As for questions and cues, these have to be tailored to the individual. You had six months and it sounds like you were careful. Really, you have to tread carefully in this area. Who wants to try to have a relationship with someone who must have take-to-the-bank evidence that you are over your former spouse? This isn't any different from dating someone who may have just come out of a BF/GF relationship. You pays your nickle and you takes your chances. There's always an X-factor.

Interesting how we become so gunshy after a divorce isn't it?

Only one question... (now, of course)

Have you been divorced more than two years?

It doesn't really matter how "emotionally divorced" you are from your spouse, it takes time to find yourself again and heal. Time, there's just no way around it.