I was thinking about my future apart from my WW today, and started wondering...How is my WW going to portray our entire (14 yr) relationship to other men she meets/dates/marries in the future? I know she will not end up with her current OM long term, so she will inevitably date/marry someone else.

I know it shouldn't really matter to me, but I hate the idea that she will paint this R as a horrible, torturous, abusive R, that is unless she ever stops justifying her A in her own mind. I know I won't portray her as evil or mean to my future GF/W, just confused and misguided. It bothers me to think she may forever look back on our R with sh** colored glasses...


TM

Well, get used to it, TM. Don't you know that the affair and divorce is always the man's fault to a WW? I've already had friends tell me tales about how I was an abusive, drug abusing, kinky sex maniac and THAT'S why she had no choice but leave me. I'm none of these things, of course. Actually, she's describing her OM. I usually respond with "was she with the man she was having the affair with while we were married when she told you this?" WHAT?!?! That's right. She selectively forgets to tell them that part.

You'll get to where you don't care after awhile what she says, thinks, or believes. People who know you will now that her story doesn't add up.

I think in general the WS blames the BS whether it be a man or a woman wayward...It's my fault as well that he had the affair and left us umpteen times...I wonder if he blames me for having got her pregnant too??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Recite the Serenity Prayer.

"But we were separated when I started up with the OP"!!! Classic red flag!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Since you filed in TX, did you file the reason for divorce as adultery?
It becomes public record. Not a big thing, but it may give you the peace you seem to need about it?

TTSi -

I sure did file on the grounds of the big "A"...not quite the scarlet letter it used to be, though.

I have peace about my part, it is just many of my WW's mother's friends and my WW's extended family will probably get a different version of how and why things happened...

And unfortunately, my WW and I grew up just blocks from each other, so many of her mother's friends know me, or at least know of me...the rumor mill will undoubtedly be a turnin' at some point in the future...and I am sure it won't be very complimentary towards me.

Yet another reason to leave this fair city...


TM

TM...I wonder this too. My STBX always tells me that he says nothing but good things about me and that he defends me to anyone who says anything bad. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!! He's full of crap! I truly don't care what he tells people because I know a lot of people and have more friends than he does and they all know the truth. He walks around with his head down most of the time so to me that speaks "GUILTY" to anyone who sees him.

TM, you said you were in Houston. On this thread you mention leaving. Are you planning on leaving Houston, or where you were with your WW?
Funny, I am so happy to be back in the Houston area. When my WH, now faithful H, and I were talking separating, I was coming "home". Now we are here and I love it. He was offered a position in CA, and I told him he better be sure they paid him enough to commute to there, 'cause I wasn't moving. He laughed and said he didn't want to be anywhere else but in TX with me.

As to your WW and what she says. Be bigger than she is. You know what happend. If anyone says anything, be honest.
Those that know you will see the fog for what it is.

Did using affair for reason for divorce make a difference in settlement?

Texasgirl

"...not quite the scarlet letter it used to be, though."

Sad isn't it? I read an article some time back that said women are now as likely as men to have an affair - about 44%. Younger women are actually far more likely to do so, with 76% having at least one extramarital sexual encounter within the first five years of marriage (55% for men). I have no idea if these last statistics are correct, since they seem unbelievable. But talk to the 20-something crowd and it becomes apparent that they have a completely different set of sexual ethics than older people do and they really don't see this as a big deal.

TR -

My WW and I do not communicate about anything but "business" things, but I am sure she paints me as the most horrible husband to ever walk the earth. How else can she justify her actions in her own mind?


Texasgirl -

I presently live in Houston, where I was born and raised, and where my WW and I spent 4 years of our married life, and all of our dating life together. We moved to Philly for four years, then LA for a year - all for her schooling/residency...

I am looking to move to Austin soon to resume my schooling. I presently live with my mother - after being self-reliant since age 17...it makes me feel very small to live at home with mom again. I live less than two miles from the house that my WW and I lived in while in Houston, the one we still own, but is vacant right now. If I could live in a different part of Houston, this would be much easier...I have to drive by things that trigger me fairly regularly.

As to the settlement, I have yet to get that far...but TX law does allow for a disproportionate distribution of assets when the grounds are adultery. My attorney says that the ratio will be decided upon by the judge or jury...


CUH -

It is sad to see the ethics of today's twentysomethings. One reason I have wondered if I really want to bring a child into this world is the "slouching toward Gomorrah" - to borrow a phrase - that this country seems to be doing. I am hoping that things are truly cyclical and we will snap back from the direction we are headed as a country.

Or maybe I am just getting old.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />



TM

"How else can she justify her actions in her own mind?"

I was reading some tripe by a feminist "marital councellor" the other day who admited that 78% of all divorces are filed by women, but stated that women always have valid reasons for wanting a divorce, even if those reasons are valid only to her. Because of this, just because she wants a divorce, whe must be able to get a divorce without restriction.

Bunk! While I totally agree with the first part of this woman's statement, it isn't a "woman's issue," but really just as applicable to a man. However, an important ethical question remains: does a man our woman have the right to turn his/her spouse's and children's lives upside down and wreck emotional and economic havoc for trivial reason, simply because those reasons are valid only to him/her? My opinion is no, they should not have this right. You can't back out of any contract but marriage without just cause without paying a penalty. Why should the marriage contract not be held to the same standard of fairness at law?

It’s funny because I came across some of my WW postings on another forum while looking for divorce support. She didn’t necessarily vilify me, but made plenty of snide immature remarks. She has written how angry she feels towards me and that her affair is justified because of our marriage. It does hurt to say the least and I have stopped reading her posts in order to not dwell on it.

I don’t necessarily vilify my WS or make snide comments about her around my friends, but I’m pretty sure she does. Only one of her friends knows of the affair. Her friend had an affair with a married man at one point to, so she feels that my WW actions are justified. My WW’s friend believes that she should do what makes her feel happy…

While I do see her friends occasionally around town, I doubt if I will say anything about the affair or “let the cat out of the bag” unless they say something to me first about the marriage. Talking bad about someone is pretty petty and I just want to get on with my life. It is uncomfortable when I do run into her friends just because of what I imagine my WW has said.

Who cares!

ya know, i have more important concerns than to worry about what an idiot thinks or says about me.

First, the people that know you won't believe it.
Second, the people that know her and don't know you might believe it, but might not, there is no guarantee that what she says will be believed.
Third, her life choices afterwards will probably follow a pattern, and people can pick up on patterns. . .

As far as my X, a few people that she knows, knows me, and I just keep a quiet demeanor, and let her play her idiot self out. . . I support my kids, my kids know that, and i parent my kids. . . more than the X. . . so what do i have to worry about? its not like my X has a grasp of reality, so I don't really care.

neither should you,

or you need to get a different circle of friends

or if they are true, need to get some counseling to deal with the issues. . .

wiftty

TravellinMan,

My exH had 13 affairs, was verbally and emotionally and physically abusive, is bipolar rapid cycling, and has borderline personality disorder. I am not exaggerating or making this up--it is documented via medical and mental health professionals. As our M wound down, I wanted very much for him to seek help for what I perceived to be sexual addiction, for his abusive behavior, for his mental illness and personality disorder--he had no desire whatsoever to seek treatment or work on himself, because in his mind, all of his issues were somehow or another my fault. I did not meet his needs and drove him to 13 affairs...I purposely did stuff that I knew would "make" him respond abusively...I exaggerated his depression and manias to crisis level...and his distorted thinking from borderline personality was because I looked at things in a crazy way on purpose!

Now TravellinMan, in his mind (and that's the important part there)...IN HIS MIND...what he tells people is not even remotely close to what I might tell people if I said anything. Most of the time, to anyone who is bold enough to ask, I say something like, "My exH was unfaithful and had issues that he did not chose to deal with"--but most folks don't ask and I don't volunteer. OTOH, I'm pretty sure that he tells everyone who will listen that I was spiteful, manipulative, raging, b*tchy, undependable, and horrifying. That's because he needs to say that to maintain his illusion and his distorted self-worth. Anyone who knows *ME* knows that is far from the kind of person I am--anyone who knows *HIM* knows that he has issues within a pretty short time--and I personally feel if someone doesn't know me and can't figure out that he has personal issues...then what do I care what they think of me??




FNCJ

I worry about this too..I think WH will paint me as a Royal B****. A selfish princess that did not get along w/his children. Who spent too much time away from home w/her horse.

I will paint "us"...not just him.

Yes, I after 7 years of being sexually and emotionally rejected and disrespected - found an outlet a horse and new friends. I made the mistake in my M of making a separate life that he refused to be a part of. Something that made me happy, for a few hours everyday. BUT - that in no way gave him the right to have multiple A's that destroyed me/us both at home and professionally. I needed an outlet from a dysfunctional M and sexlife that WH refused to improve or see as a problem.

I will not hide the fact that WH when caught decided that I was a B****, or that his drinking became worse, his feelings of grandeousous where out of control, and his A's where w/anyone, he had no morals or standards w/which to live by. He had money, business sense, etc. and he choose to become a man that noone including his own children respected. Money cannot/will not BUY respect - yet he keeps trying...

Yes - I made mistakes and I will tell anyone that asks I was not perfect - BUT - I was willing to work on fixing whateever it took he choose to remain the same..

Hugs my dear - it will get better..

My ex is remarkable...he can pull the wool over anyone's eyes for a short period of time. He is a tall good looking airline pilot. He has said all sorts of stuff about me to others in an attempt to justify what he has done. Some appear to believe him....which hurts.

However, anyone who has been around him for over a few hours gets a good dose of what he is really like...especially if he has been drinking.

It is sad however...and it hurts because I did love and support him. Each time I hear what he has been saying to others--it hurts. It doesn't make sense to me. He knows what we had...and he knows how I loved and supported him. But he will never be able to admit that he has done something wrong.

He just finished a series of abusive emails to me last week....and then this week he couldn't have been nicer because he wanted me to bring the kids up to the airport for his summer visitation. He puts on the charm and expects everyone to be over the incidences he causes. That is how he treated me all through our marriage also. Sad I couldn't see it then. Still makes me feel empty inside though.

People continue to say it shouldn't matter what he says to others...but it does. This is someone I devoted my life to for 21 years. The babble that comes out of his mouth is incredible....and like I said...it still hurts.