A question for those of you who are dating multiple people. If you found out that the person you have a date with has a date with another person the same day, would it bother you?

I have thought about this alot.

I can't say that this has happened to me yet, but I don't think it would bother me. Am I weird? Should it bother me?

One of my dates for tonight, L, canceled last night because her mom is in the hospital with complications from gall bladder surgery. One of the other women I've gone out with, K, told me earlier this week that her date for tonight canceled on her as well. I called K and asked her if she wanted to have dinner tonight, but I told her that I had to be back in town by 10:00pm. She (jokingly) asked me if I had a date and I said yes.

She hummed and hawed and said that it wouldn't work out for her, because she was seeing someone earlier in the night and didn't feel righ having to cut the date short. I said I understood and said we'd have to catch each other another time.

K called me later this evening and told me that she was offended that she was a "last minute filler". I told her I asked her because I wanted to see her and this would have been the only time this weekend we could get together. Didn't matter, she was offended that I would set up another date the same day I was to go out with her. It bothers her that I would kiss her and then go kiss another woman on the same day. She said she asked someone else and they thought it was creepy too.

I don't know, is it creepy?

She keeps telling me I'm trying to be a player. Personally, I think if I was trying to play her, it would be a ****** of a lot easier if I just lied to her.

Anyway, I apologized for offending her and told her that I would respect her request to not go out with another woman the same day that I go out with her.

Any thoughts? Fire away...

I think the problem was actually TALKING about it. LOL.

I had a situation recently, where a fellow I've been chatting with told me upfront that there's someone else he's really interested in. For me, that threw him WAY back to the "friendship only" burner.

I met the guy on a dating site. I already KNOW that he's getting to know other women, just as I'm in the early stages of getting to know other men. But we don't have to TALK about that. It's uncouth, or something to that effect.

An analogy perhaps? Is it appropriate to give people details before or after you've gone to the ladies/mens room? LMAO! :P (couldn't resist that one.. sorry).

When you're in the early stages of casual dating, it's really not a good idea to give such details. The whole honesty is the best policy approach needs to be used with caution. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Karen

I dunno, but I have been thinking about the same thing today. My date from Thursday night... I was hoping we could do something Saturday night, but we haven't set anything up yet, and I'm kinda nervous to even TRY, because I have a lunch date Saturday (a 1st date with someone else). Seems weird to see 2 different people in 1 day. But part of me WANTS to, because it's the weekend and a good time to get the dates in, AND so I can go ahead and get to know them, so the decisions can be made. I can relate to the kissing thing. Some 1st dates involve kissing, some don't, so that DOES seem "creepy", even from one day to the next. Maybe it's best to NOT kiss on 1st (or 2nd) dates if we are multi-dating, except for small pecks. I guess we have to find a balance for what is comfortable for US, and what information to divulge. I don't like to lie, so I think there must be a mature, honest delivery of our status and intentions.

Last year I had four dates in one weekend. I hated it.

Big Guy, I know you are enjoying being out there in the dating world, and I am glad to see you happy. You are a kid in the candy store, BTDT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

But I think you are a deeper guy than that, so my prediction is that the novelty will wear off, and you will eventually start looking more at quality than quantity.

I read the other thread, where a poster said she has three guys she has been dating for a year, three more she just met, and two more she goes to drink with "as friends". I can't see how this would be a satisfying solution for anyone seeking a longterm monogamous relationship. I doubt you would be happy in that situation.

Anyway, go date, have fun, but don't get caught up in the frenzy. It takes time and insight to get to know a person, something you will never be able to do if you have dozens of new prospects floating around. Reminds me of when I had to create a spreadsheet to keep all my dates straight, but that's another story.

AGG

I agree with K. I would be offended at being a last minute filler. TBG, you need to examine why you feel the need to be dating so many women at once. There's nothing wrong with dating more than one person, but your approach is sounding a little weird to me. It's like you are trying to fill some empty space with multiple women, but at the same time not allowing yourself to get emotionally attached to any of them. What's the point? All this is doing is costing you a lot of money. Are you looking to get laid and believe your chances are better if you date a lot of women at once? I ask because this is an approach the players use. K already suspects you're playing her. If the word goes round that your a player, the games over for you and nice women.

I would not have a problem with a woman having lunch with one man and then an evening date with me if this was just the way the scheduling worked out. I would have a major problem with a woman having a dinner date with me and then rushing off for a date with another man. If I knew about it, there would not be another date. Why? There are a lot of women out there who use men as a wallet. They want them only to pick up the tab for their entertainment, but have no real interest in them as a person. I know one women who "dates" affluent men who can afford to show her a grand time. But at the end of the evening, she blows them off and goes off to have sex with one of the low-file, dirt bag, bad boys that gets her motor running. Believe me, you want no part of that.

Duh. That is a no no. Keep it to yourself if you wanna do that.

I had a coffee date w/somebody and it went well. He kept watching his watch. We got along well and he asked me out again. But he bolted after an hour. I asked where was he off to in such a hurry? We had a good conversation. I asked if he was meeting his buddies? He had embarassed look on his face. I said "meeting another date are you?" He said yea. I said that I don't do serial daters...and that our second was not gonna happen.

Does this answer your question about how women perceive this? I think it unwise. Serial daters turn me off. I am not a number and do not and will not be treated as one.

For me, kissing the opposite sex on a date can be a very intimate act. Some kissing can even be more intimate than sex itself.

Personally, *I* would not be able to casually float from one date person to the next, regardless of same day, and kiss each and every one. Feels wrong. I think it would de-sensitize me to the whole experience, and potentially loose its meaning.

JMVHO
Jo

I don't see the big deal. It sounds like you are in the beginning stages of seeing both these women and you just want to get to know them more. Unless you aren't saying, or I am missing it, it sounds like you just kiss them. You don't try to get in their pants. And to me, kissing is NOT as intimate as sex. Especially not in the beginning stages of dating.You aren't naked, flesh to flesh, when you are kissing so I don't think you can even compare. I think it shows something about her being offended, if you aren't even committed to her yet. And that she had to verify with someone that it was creepy. So then it must be true, if 2 people think it is!? You are in a dating mode, not a marriage one.

Then just don't tell them ok? It is sometimes obvious when a person does this....and they wind up being labeled "serial dater" and it's not a good thing...

Your life is your life. And I don't kiss when meeting somebody either. Inappropriate I feel. Unless it's almost transparent you've met somebody very very special and they feel the same and have VOICED that very opinion...you get super starry eyed and are melting...melting...melting!

Geez. Why can't I feel like that? Lmao.

Agreed. There is such a thing as too much information.



Actually, with K, I bring up the "I'm seeing other women" issue a little more often for this very reason. (that and the fact that she keeps asking me about it) On our first date, K let her guard down. She started liking me quite a bit right away. I've been especially up front with her about what I'm doing to try and keep her from getting hurt. I'm trying to get her to put me on the "friendship only" backburner.



For my own peace of mind, I like to bring up the non-exclusive/seeing other people issue very early just so there aren't any misunderstandings. But beyond that, the actual details of who I'm seeing, etc. does seem to be a bit voyeuristic. Definately TMI.

"Let her guard down"? By being honest with you? Don't "try to get her to put you on the backburner" - be a man, and tell her you are not interested. Eek, Big Guy, you are beginning to sound like u da playa! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I had three last weekend and it was kinda fun. I don't think I would want to do it all the time because then I wouldn't be able to get things done. The yard doesn't mow itself, ya know.



LOL, I was thinking that this week. That or a Bull in a China Shop... or maybe a Bull in a Candy Store...



Yeah, I think so too. I am reaching a point where more is too many. I'm becoming more discriminating, but it's hard saying no, and it's hard to stop "looking". I'm kinda glad that Match has run out of 'candidates' in my area.

I don't like the idea of "trading up", but soon I'm going to have to make decisions. My plate will be full, and if I want to continue looking for "the one" then some will have to go. Part of what it means to learn how to be a FREELOADER I suppose.



Very easy way to avoid vulnerability/intimacy this way. I've been thinking about my XGF this week. And being sad. The multiple dating is fun and distracting, but it really isn't what I want for long term. In some ways it's like being lonely in a crowded room.



Ha! Seeing 3 with 4 prospects and I already have the nagging feeling all the time that I've forgotten to call someone. This is more than I want for now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well said, bud <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. Sounds like you are doing fine.

Another thought for you - women who are perfectly fine with multiple dating (bouncing 3-4 guys for a year) are probably not the kind of women you want to meet for a commitment. Like CheckUrHeart said so correctly, they have probably become addicted to the fun of the regular wining and dining, i.e. have started to see dating as a meal ticket (of course they will vehemently deny it). They will be less likely to ever let go of that thrill.

So be careful with the women who are very easy going about your multiple dating - they won't "cramp your style", but they also may not you let cramp theirs. Whereas the ones that are monogamous and are looking for a longterm relationship may not put up with your multiple dating. It's hard to have your cake and eat it too, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

I HAVE talked to her and explained that I'm not looking for an exclusive relationship. I AM interested in spending time with her. My goal is NOT to get in her pants.

How does that make me a friggin player?!?

Slow down, my friend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I didn't say you are a player, I said you are beginning to SOUND like one.

And since you are not a player, and don't want to be one, I was simply giving you a little nudge that you may want to be careful to not come across as one. That's all.

Why did your previous paragraph sound like a player? Well, what do players do? They balance many dates, being sweet and romantic with each one, but always keeping their options open and never letting anyone get too close. They are always playing the field, looking for that better deal. Even if they are not very interested in someone, they will keep dating them until something better comes along. It actually doesn't need to have anything to do with trying to get into their pants.

Now, to some extent, this is what dating should be all about - dating enough to know what's out there, so that you would know how to choose wisely. So the whole difference between that and a player is a matter of degree and semantics. Granted.

However, when you say that the girl "let he guard down" and told you she liked you, you made it sound like she didn't know how to "play" the game, at least not as well as you do. Why, because she was honest, and you know better than to make the same mistake?? See what I mean? My take is that a girl telling you she likes you (likes, not loves) should not elicit a negative response. If it does, then she is not right for you, so tell her so. But don't "try to get her to want to put herself on the backburner", that again sounds like you are trying to play a game, one where she painfully sees your cool response and decides to back off. These are games, bud.

I've met quite a few players. Some I could see through, and walked away quickly. Some were really good, they nearly broke my heart. I would never want to be one or act like one. I know you wouldn't either. So I am just giving you a heads up that at least what you are writing here is approaching "player" category, at least from the girl's perspective. If you don't believe me, ask her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Peace.

AGG

"However, when you say that the girl "let he guard down" and told you she liked you, you made it sound like she didn't know how to "play" the game, at least not as well as you do. Why, because she was honest, and you know better than to make the same mistake?? "

Didn't she say that on the first date though? To me she is coming on too strong. In reality a first date is just a getting to know you. And see if it progresses to date 2. I have just been burned too many times in my past, telling someone I like them on the first date. There's a time to say, and a time to zip it.

True. And a good dater will never say too much to show their hand.

OTOH, what if Big Guy really liked K too, from the start? He would have been THRILLED to hear her express that she likes him, first date or tenth date. And he would not say that she let her guard down. She was just being honest, not playing the dating game. It's OK to like someone on the first date, and express it. It's not a commitment or profession of undying love. It's not much different from saying "I like your eyes". Just means that she is pleased with what she saw so far.

What I see quite clearly is that he is not all that interested in her, and she sees it too. Which is why she said he is a player, because she feels some amount of playing taking place. Doesn't matter if she is right or not, that is how she feels.

This is a pretty common misunderstaning when someone who is looking for a longterm relationship bumps into someone who is "just dating". Neither is right or wrong, but they are incompatible. I've been on both sides of this.

AGG

Back to the original topic, if my date went out with another girl on the same day he went out with me, I'd feel hurt. BTDT years ago.

One reason I'd be hurt is my date didn't like me enough to provide the option of extending the date. Or if I was the last stop, my enjoyment of Saturday night wasn't considered. Imagine meeting someone for a date at 9:00 because they had a 5:30 date with someone else?

I would also wonder if my date viewed me as the unique individual that I am, or if I was just "a date."

Caveat: I don't think this applies to first meetings that really aren't even first dates. Peachy's coffee hour probably wouldn't have counted with me, except the idiot scheduled his dates back-to-back, not allowing adequate time to really get to know Peachy if they clicked. After all, they weren't on a Speed Date.

Years ago in my 20's I remember first dates where everything was cool and if things warmed up they did on the later dates.

I also remember a few first dates where she couldn't keep her hands off me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi TBG,

This is a hit and run post, since I normally post over on the boiling kettle of misery AKA GQII.

I've never been so fortunate to have more than one interested lady so I can't relate, but I can tell you about my grandfather.

Granddad was a grocer. From an early age, he managed grocery stores. In the old days, the way it worked was that he had to go to the farmers' market early in the morning to buy produce every day at maybe 5am. So, he always went to bed at 9pm. All his life - even after he retired, he was an early to bed early to rise guy. So, when he was dating my grandmother, it was always an early date 'cause he had to be home asleep at 9pm.

My grandmother apparently appreciated this arrangment, because she generally had another date after him. She married him anyway - and as far as I know it was a good marriage.

-AD