I have a history of going into clinical depression. Quite obviously more frequently in the past 3 years with respect to the A's and the D.

Now for the past 5-6 months, while I have had a few 'down' moments, I could tell they were triggered, and they resolved fairly quickly - usually in less than a week.

But this is the first time I think I am going into a full blown, non-triggered clinical depression. I am currently on Welbutrin, but for the first time, it doesn't seem like it is enough. And the other part is that this is the first time I am going through it completely alone.

I am scared. I constantly have the need to cry (even when there is nothing really to cry about). I am having difficulty finding joy in anything right now. I don't want to socialize, and have the incredible urge to sleep (mainly so I don't have to feel so darn sad all the time).

Unfortunately, I know my signs. And they have been persisting for about a week now. I was hoping they were related more to my cycle rather than an episode, but I am beginning to believe I am wrong, as they seem to be increasing in intensity.

I will obviously call my psychiatrist and see what to do about medication. I am also forcing myself to go out and do things that I usually enjoy (regardless of not feeling the enjoyment). I am eating right, taking vitamins, and trying to focus on work, etc.

But in the meantime, has anyone ever gone through a true major clinical depression alone , and what were some things that helped you? Aside from medication, I don't know what to do.

I really HATE when I feel like this, because I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear until it's gone.

Thanks for any help.

LIT

LIT:

XW suffers from CD, so I've had plenty of experience. It sounds exactly like your dosage needs an adjustment. (Please check with your Doc though!) Occasionally, xw needed to also change med's from one brand (type) to another in addition to dosages. I feel for ya dear. Hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FR

I have L.I.T. How long have you been on the Wellbutrin? Wellbutrin is a good AD, but it can take upto a month before it really starts to have an effect. You may need a higher dosage right now. Talk to your PDoc about this. Are you also in therapy? If not, you may want to consider a few sessions. You've been treated before; did you learn any coping techniques then?

Here's what helped me. I learned all I could about my depression. I reduced stress in my life as much as possible; I did my work, but didn't take on too much. I put any and all thoughts of relationships on hold. This is of paramount importance: I made sure that I got adequate sleep -- at least eight hours each night. If for some reason this wasn't possible, I caught up by taking naps on the weekend. Sleep deprivation is cummulative and will make depression worse. I studied meditation and used it to center and calm myself. I told myself over and over that this was a temporary condition and that I would snap out of it. I told myself that the sadness and dysphoria were not real this helped me cope with the feelings. I flat refused to allow myself to become upset about being depressed, since this will only make the depression deepen. I allowed myself to feel depressed and not try to fight it.

Forcing yourself to go out will not work. This is a myth. You should get out and try to live your life as normally as possible, but you cannot run from depression. So don't look at this as the magic bullet. Sometimes going out is the absolute wrong thing to do. Sometimes you need quiet time alone where you allow yourself to explore your feelings without having to put on happy face and pretend everything's fine.

You're coging to be alright. Keep telling yourself that.

Hi FR and Checkur......Just got off the phone with my psychiatrist, and she upped my Welbutrin to the next level. She said that we probably had taken care of the base level of depression that I usually have, but that I probably "broke through" with this one.

She did bring up a good observation, though. This is the one year anniversary of my separation. Last year at this time, I still had a little bit of hope. Funny, because I have been mentioning to friends that it was a year ago we separated, my lease should be up, yada yada yada. But I never really linked it to my depression. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Go figure.


Thank you for these ideas.....I need to remember it's just temporary. For whatever reason, I get so frightened when I feel it coming on....


Unfortunately, I am often hard on myself about it. I think "who wants to be around someone depressed?" or "Well, I'm not going to be good company." I need to remember that my friends will be my friends no matter what I'm going through. I'm just so defensive emotionally right now, that it's hard for me to open up about how I'm really feeling. But I need to stop beating myself up for having depression. You are so very right.


Welbutrin for 3 months now, and in therapy for nearly the past 2 years. In all honesty, we have all 'reviewed' coping techniques, but aside from some people busying themselves, or some just emotionally 'checking out' for a while, it's been relatively fruitless. Our group tends to focus more on behavior, and the underlying emotions that enable our unhealthy behaviors. Rarely do we focus on how to 'cope' with emotions. Maybe that's something I will bring up in my next session.

Thanks a lot you guys. It's really wonderful to know someone is listening every once in a while.....

I'm going to do my best to make this next year my own....without the shaddow of divorce!

LIT:

Glad to hear that Doc came through. Interesting also that Doc recognized your 1-year "anti-anniversary". Kudos to Doc for that one.

Also wanted to say about the CD: XW decided (upon OM's recommendation) that she "didn't need that stuff". Within 2 weeks of her being "off that stuff" she was accusing me of poor behavior that she did to me more than 7 years ago. And she was absolutely convinced of all that she said. It was a very weird experience for me. So ludicrous that I actually had no answer. One of those: "You're kidding right?" moments. Both of XW's parents are CD, so she really had little chance of not being CD. Our family Doc worked with her for 18 months and when they finally hit on the right med/dosage, she turned into a great, fun, honorable woman. Too bad she stopped, her life is in shambles right now.

Moral: Stay in touch with your Doc. CD is not something that can be "willed away". It is purely chemical. Glad you're better LIT. Good luck with that.

FR

I did Paxil the first two times I was depressed. My daughter started on Welbutrin but switched to Lexapro which is what I've been on for a few months. Lexapro has an anti-anxiety aid in it. It's worked very well for us. The Welbutrin did well for my daughter till they decided to try her on something for attentional difficulties, too. Since Welbutrin can help focus but doesn't deal as much with anxiety, they thought the switch was appropriate.

She is like the phoenix with the meds - was really, really depressed in March and now is a normal girl.

She has significant history of depression on both sides of her genetic family. Maybe she won't always need this but maybe she will need it off and on.

I've definitely been travelling along a similar road to yours! I've been treated for CD for about 12 years. I held my own on minimal medication until my marriage started to fall apart.(affair...WS...OW...OC) At the same time I had been transfered to a new job I didn't like...and had to move to a new residence. I ended up filing bankruptcy since all the credit was in my name. (I'd had an excellent credit rating prior to this.) These additional major stressors altered my brain chemistry such that the former meds/doses were no longer effective...And I was all alone to handle it.

I found it a challenge to try and distinguish what was CD and what was grief. My heart was so broken after dealing with my exWS's affair and one year of attempted reconciliation. I loved him deeply. If I thought it might be "grief", I'd try to focus for a limited time on some aspect of the loss of my husband. Allow myself to "grieve".

I ended up on a medical leave. (Thank goodness for disability insurance!) The first several days I just sat around and did nothing but look out at the lake and trees through my picture window. It was hard to decide how badly I didn't want to move vs. how badly I had to go to the bathroom! I did isolate. I didn't want to be around anyone. I felt that it took up too much of my energy. I felt like a wounded animal. Being around others made me feel too vulnerable. So, I gave myself permission to "just be".

Throughout this time I worked with my psychiatrist to find a new medication combination that would help me. I tend to get the "rare" side effects of meds, and not much of the benefits. It took a year of starting meds, stopping med..trying another med...stop...start...etc. Trying non-traditional meds. It was very helpful that I had a psychiatrist who really listened to me. She didn't try and minimize anything I said or ignore it. She was highly skilled at using psychotropic meds. (Being in the field, I know that there are a whole lot of doctors out there who aren't!)

I,too, was impressed to hear about your psychiatrist identifying an "anniversary date". That's the other thing I tried to stay on top of throughout the year. If I started to slip into more depression for no apparent reason...I would try and see if there were any significant things that had happened around the time the previous year/s. That helped me put things in perspective and calm myself.

I did minimal household chores. What really "had" to get done? I ate simple meals....soup, sandwich, cereal.

I, too, had been going to individual therapy for a long time. I continued with that.

And....I had a lot of days where I just put one foot in front of the other and counted it a victory.

Some days I gave myself permission to contemplate suicide. This may sound defeating to many people, but it gave me the strength to keep trying to get better. If I allowed the thought of suicide, then I allowed that there was ultimately some way out of my pain. Nobody dies from depression. Not like cancer or a heart attack, etc. I reminded myself that there was a way out, but I didn't choose it for that day...or the next...or the next. I also reminded myself of situations where I had seen botched up suicide attempts. They just made life more difficult. And I reminded myself that my sons didn't deserve losing me that way.

I did set my ego aside and agreed to go into day hospital for psychiatric treatment for two weeks. My doctor felt that I was isolating too much and had no supports around me. One of the first staff members I met was someone I had worked with at a prior job! But, I was determined that my pride..my ego..wasn't going to get in the way of my journey to get better. And the first thing this staff member did was wrap me in her arms and give me a great big hug...and let me cry. It was helpful to have a daily check-in and group therapy with others in similar situations.

I walked my dog 2 miles, 4 days a week, later in my recovery period.

My dad and oldest brother called me weekly to see how I was doing. They live out of state. They did this every week like clockwork until I was through the worst of it.

And while I recognized that a lot of my depression was brain chemistry shifts...I often longed for my ex-husband to come, wrap me in his arms, and tell me it would all work out. But that wasn't reality. In those moments I felt very alone.

I've done alot of reading. Exploration of my spiritual beliefs. My lifestyle. Trying to change my attitudes and perceptions. I even threw in a few romance books! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I do mental gratitude lists at bedtime when I start worrying about stuff. Listen to meditation tapes.

There's been no quick fix for me. This episode has been much longer than any before. But I'm here, and I'm doing better than last year at this time. I have my house, my car, food on the table, my two sons, beautiful scenery outside my window, family who cares, and the ability to take time out from the world to heal. And I've lived alone throughout this episode.

Take care!

Dear LIT,

I have dealt with clinical depression for a long time, and for a while now, I have dealt with it on my own. Besides medication, Wellbutrin and Straterra (for ADD, but the Straterra seems to help with depression, too). I am very sorry for your suffering, and I can offer this; I have a very tight circle of friends who help me in any way they can. They talk to me and sometimes just let me know that they are my friends. My Catholic faith is very important to me and my priest is a close friend of mine and it is the support of these people which allows me to get through the very rough times.

Remember, You have friends here, too.

God Bless You,

GB

LIT,
I hope it's ok if I hijack your thread for a moment. I just thought that the group of people responding to this question might have greater awareness of my area of concern.

As I have followed the horrible conditions and lack of services to the victims of Katrina, it struck me that there have to be numerous individuals with mental illness who have NO access to their medications!! While this may seem trivial compared to food, water, toilets, etc., can you imagine what it must be like for individuals whose lives, sanity, survival, depend on psychotropic medications? Stress intensifies symptoms. And now, no medication on top of it??!!

Imagine someone with severe mood swings, paranoia, hallucinations, etc. trying to manage the results of Katrina while off their medications. It's horrendous enough for those who have lived with a stable mental status.

The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI)has set up a donation arrangement on their web site. It is designed to contribute money for services to individuals with mental illness who are impacted by Katrina. Medication distribution and support services will be provided.

I know that there are many, many worthy organizations and causes seeking donations. My concern is that few Americans would think of this particular impact.

If so inclined, would you check out the NAMI website to review their information on Katrina?

Web Address: www.NAMI.org

They have a place at the top of the web site that you can click to get specific information about helping victims of Katrina. It's not just for their organization. Several are listed. If you scroll down this page to:
"NAMI Hurricane Relief Fund", further instructions are given for donations which help provide mental health services to Katrina survivors.

Thank you for your consideration..