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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
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I am so confused right now! My wife (we are seperated) at the moment is out living her life, and I am trying to work on mine, ie. become more independant, handle my own finances, etc. etc. all the things she said had eaten away at the love. And still, thankfully of course, no seperation papers come, no talk of furthering the seperation to divorce. I have realized that there are a lot of things I need to do on my own, but I am trying to at least leave a window open for her. I ask her if she might like to see a movie and she says she's not sure if she wants to do that with me and things similar. What is the game? Nothing is moving in either direction. What is it that's going on!?!? Someone please tell me!! I know that I can make this marriage work, and I definately dont want the divorce or seperation, but what gives!?!

Joined: Dec 2004
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How are the finances currently divided? You say you're taking care of yours, but where does the source of income come from to run both households? Do you currently support yourself exclusively with your income, and she with hers?


and I knew then that I would have to live, and go on living: what a sorrow it was; and still what sorrow burns but does not destroy my heart --Jane Kenyon
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At the moment she is living with her parents and continues to pay half of the expenses for the house that we were renting together. (I am currently trying to get out of the house, but being a college town it's hard to find something within my price range. I am trying to be more mindful of what is due, when, how much we need to pay etc. etc. Something I have never done in the past. Hope that answers the question.

Joined: Jul 2005
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RD79, Only she knows for sure what her true game is. I can suggest one possibility, htough. Consider this: she is the leaving spouse and this is really so much easier on her than it is on you, especially since she's run to the bosom of her family and is getting all the "poor baby" support. She has no motivation right now to proceed with a divorce, since this isn't really costing her anything. She can throw a few bucks your way and assuage her guilt at abanding her marriage. It is to her advantage to stall on this, since as long as the two of you are married, she has specific legal rights. So when will she finally start a divorce proceeding? When she finds herself a boyfriend. Once that happens, she'll move like a wildfire to get a case on the court's docket.

How long has she been gone? It sounds as if you want her back. If that is so, the ball is in her court. However, you must set a limit on how long you are willing to wait. Set a deadline for yourself. You can communicate this too her if you desire and that may push her one way or the other. Once YOUR deadline has past, file for divorce yourself. You can't allow a wayward and estranged wife to put your life in limbo indefinitely.

On the financial front, get yourself Quicken or use your bank's on-line banking and bill paying system. These solutions allow you to schedule payments in advance and even automate payments of recurring bills. Quicken can help you organize a budget and track expenditures. I use my bank's on-line system and have direct deposit. Once a week, I take the bills that have come in and schedule the payments to be disbursed on the due date (a few days before for business that don't have the ability to handle electronic funds transfers to allow time for a check to be cut and mailed). The whole process takes about two minutes. I have my mortgage set up to automatically transfer the payment from my checking account to the mortgage account. So staying on top of the bills is a breeze.

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She has been gone for about 3 months. And yes, I do want her back very much.

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Your doing the right thing, which is leaving the window open for her. Your WS is extremely selfish right now. It's all about her wants and needs. Accept the circumstances that this may end in divorce just to mentally prepare yourself in case it happens. Continue to do what your doing and she will find you more attractive. My WS found me more attractive once she knew I was going out with friends, fixing things on the house, etc. You don't have to be blatant about your changes, she'll notice.


Married 3 years Me(BS): 33 WW: 30 D-Day 5/21/05 Divorced - it's over and my life has now begun
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I hear you, Ravensdream. So you'll have to play whatever game it is she's playing and just swallow it until she finishes playing it.


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