Greetings, all. I'm almost at wits-end here.

In short my wife of six years yearns to live geographically proximate to her family. It seems this has always been her desire. Either I was too blind to spot it, or her feelings on the issue were not made plain to her thick-headed husband. I suspect it was both.

The first few years of marriage, of course, were blissful. Little dissatisfaction was visible on her part; I now know this was a difficult time for her because, as is so often the case, we were newlyweds and poor, making travel to see her family a rare ocurrence.

In the last three years, however, we have traveled often to see them, taking major holidays and extending them into vacations, as well as taking summer vacations, etc. My folks live about 2 hours away from us, so naturally we get to see them throughout the year.

But also in the last three years, my wife's desire to move closer to them, while probably not intensified, has certainly become more manifest. Indeed, it is an official wedge between us. And here is why:

First, I am in no way against such a move, and we have spoken clearly and directly about our goals to achieve such an end in the next few years.

I am sure my wife deems my intentions suspect, however, as I tend to want to focus more on this week than 'next' year. I know she simply wants to be reassured. So I try. Maybe I lack sincerity?

The real problem, though, is this: every negative ocurrence or obstacle in our lives leads her to one bottom-line: "I don't know why I'm here; my family is not here and I don't have friends." Now, I tend to respond: "You're here because of me, dear." (The bit about the friends just isn't true; they're just not her life-long friends, some of which live in close proximity to her family.) Just about everything tends to come out this way. Add to this her (correct) perception that her coming to my neck of the woods was a sacrifice on her part, and now we have a situation where every day that she spends "here" becomes a sacrifice (And when am I going to sacrifice something?).

It's now to the point where I dread traveling to see her family because the aftermatch is dreadful — arguments, depression, indifference, etc., etc. It's really becoming a monster I never thought it would (it has, of course, affected every facet of our marriage).

Finally, I'm in a profession one doesn't drop, pick a city on the map, and start anew. It's technical, and it's specific. Any move will take serious planning, and it may be that such a move would undermine my (personal dreams) vocation. Even still, I see us making this move — just not next week.

I have thought all those things we thought we'd never think ("…if only I had known…"; "…divorce…"; "…I'm not so sure I love this person…", etc.). I think I've lost what little patience I had, and now I have lost any desire to actually care. You know, just let this thing sit there, while we simply co-habitate, and I focus on surviving.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

CJD

[edited to add: I also wanted to know, do other women here feel this way, this attached to their family? From my perspective, it feels like a rejection of me and our life together.]

Welcome, glad you are hear. First off, please take a moment to read throught the basic concepts portion of this site. I think you'll find a lot of useful stuff in there. Like learning about "emotional needs", perhaps your wife's aren't being fulfilled and this is how she is expressing her desire to have those met.

Next, I read through your whole spill here and I got to tell you I got kind of lost on whether you would move, wanted to move, could move, or by your last statement felt it unreasonable to move. Now if me, a complete stranger, got this lost and got this many signals from you, what do you think your wife takes from your talks?


Me too, I can understand that. But let's pretend you expressed any interest in a move, what research and planning have you done in the new area? If you are telling her a move is possible and then not doing anything then obviously your actions aren't matching your words.


Uh Oh...... Erch...... Stop.... That could be the real stumbling block right there. Gonna have to rectify that feeling prior to any move otherwise you'll be the one left holding the resentments.


OK, So if now you see y'all making the move then again I ask, what have you done about this? What have you done to look at employment, schools, housing, cost of living, income potentials, etc....?


If I were unhappy, not getting my main emotional needs met, and a 1,000 miles from my "support group" then the last thing I would be concerned with is my spouses feeling of rejection. Why did y'all move by your family to begin with? Why didn't y'all move by her family?

The move itself is obviously a major hurdle, but I truly feel that it's just the issue that a lot of other feelings are funneling out through. I do believe that a good start to all of this is to first work on your marriage and communication in what ever town. Start communicating without any Love Busters, Disrespectful Judgments, or Angry Outbursts. Print out the emotional needs surveys, fill them out, discuss them and strive to meet her top 5 emotional needs. I think you may be surprised to find that the location issue isn't the issue at all....

CJD,
I'd say that Lost Husband hit the nail on the head. As I was reading your post, I was thinking "and what are you doing to show her that you are willing to move?" As they say, actions speak louder than words.

Perhaps you and your wife could pick one evening a week and do research on jobs in your field in a location closer to her parents. Find a headhunter and let them look. Give her reports on what they find. Have her parents send you the classifieds. Use your network of contacts at your job to see what is available elsewhere. Would your company let you work off-site? Seems to be a growing trend.

You don't say how far away they are, but it sounds like it may be the other side of the country. Would half way between both sets of parents make her feel like you were both "sacrificing" an equal amount? Neither of you should feel like you are sacrificing anything, however, and if you do, I'm with Lost Husband on this as well. Sounds like she is building resentment about a lot of things and the location issue is how she manifests it.

I am a female and I am fortunate to live 7 miles from my parents. The rest of my family is within an hour. But so are my husbands. We live right smack dab in the middle of both sides. This generally works well for everyone, but it does have it's moments. We've often joked that we just want to live a long-distance phone call away. My Husband is looking for a new job and has been for several years so I know that we could one day move as well. I have never objected to this, but as my parents age, I tend to want to stick around. Our kids are also very close to them. I think that anyone, male or female, that has had a good relationship with their family wants to be near them. I'm sure your wife gets loads of attention when she goes home, which might be what she is missing. Does she have any issues with your family?

Stumbling