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a line i forgot to put in from her letter is "i heard a song today at work that said-you cant make me love you if i dont. i thought about that all day and how true it is. I know that it hurts to read these words, and im sorry to hurt you, but you needed to know exactly how ive been feeling and why i came to the decision that i have. Which im sure by what this letter has said, i dont need to put into words. So take my words to heart, because thats where they come from. Take as much time as you need before talking to me, so we can talk rationally, like adults, about what needs to be done with the house and other such important things. Becuase i can wish as much as i want that my feelings where different, but theyre not, and for that, im sorry.

i ommitted this part when i posted the rest of the letter just as at this time im still missing a page but its so long that i just dont have the time to type it all. But i love how she says "...and thats how i came to my decision.Im sure by what this letter has said, i dont need to put into words."
WELL HONEY I NEED IT PUT INTO WORDS...Drop that bomb or tell me you wanna work on it. Dont be vague and pussyfoot around. I hate this whole ordeal. And i felt better when i decided to just let go. Hope keeps bringing me down. But i still have it. UNTIL SHE SAYS DIVORCE, I WONT QUIT ON HER.


Green lights and blue skies...
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Well, I think im back in the fight. I dont know how im gonna win her back considering how far shes gone and how adamant she is about being with OM and not talking to me, but i just cant give up. Im almost to the point where im just gonna go NC with her because she just doesnt seem to want it anyways. Maybe the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing will work. I dont know. I think my rollercoaster, for the most part is starting to slow because i havent felt depressed or angry for three days now. The days have either been meloncholy or actually happy. Im growing a little closer to acceptance at this point...i think.
And as far as antidepressants go, NO i will not take them...
This may be emotionally taxing and very very hard but i dont need a little pill to pull me through. Thats not pride talking but if this is the road ive been given to take, then i want to feel it the whole way along, the way it was meant to be felt. Besides that, too many friends of mine have been on antidepressants and never quiet got back to themselves once they were done.
But i have decided that i will not give up on my beautiful wife. She just needs some time to really get herself into prospective i think. That and i need a little more time away from her so i can get a little closer to leveling out before i go and talk to her about anything.
I was talking last night to an X-GF that told me that she left me for the very same reason my WW did. Thing about the XGF is that she came back to me right after she her R with the OM was over. Now we didnt work the second time through but i think that was because i didnt learn about myself and didnt make an effort to change this neglecting behaviour that is obviously a character flaw of mine. But awareness of ones faults is a way to defeat them.
I think im going to go to a MC on my own. Just to see what he says about the situation. Just to see if he can help me in making the right choices, even if they are for the next pretty lady and not my wife of whom id really like it to be for.
Im still waiting on my books. I need surviving an affair so i can really implement a plan A.
Kinda funny how that in the 3 weeks after dday when we were still in the house...she ordered me sum cologne because we were talking about how i needed to start taking better care of myself (as far as appearance goes). Makes me wonder how much she really wants to end this, if even when shes unable to look at me without hate, how she can still listen to my conversations and meet my EN...wierd.
R are so out of whack sumtimes. Emotions make us all do things that we cant understand. I want understanding. I want to know whats making my wife tick right now. And im no longer obsessing over her being with OM on the weekends. She can do what she wants because i just cant let that get to me. I have a life to preserve of my own and obsessing will only make me worse.
I think that im going to keep contact with her to a minimum for a month or so, and focus on getting myself back together.
I still havent contacted her after recieving the letter.

NOw things may change once i get my books and read through them, but at this time i think this may be my best bet


Green lights and blue skies...
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Hey I'm glad to see that you woke up with a new resolve! I love it when that happens - I've been on that roller coaster before! Good for you. Also, I respect your decision not to use anti-d's - just keep in mind if things get too hard, it's a possibility. But in your current state of mind, it sounds like you're doing well - and I really liked what you said about feeling the road the whole way along, the way it was meant to be felt. That's pretty brave, because it's a pretty crappy road.

Patience is the virtue that's about to be tested here, I'll tell you right now! God told me "Wait" many many many times. I got so tired of waiting! Waiting for the A to end, waiting for him to come to his senses, waiting to see if OW was pg, waiting for him to find a new job, wait wait wait... as Mr. Wondering said, God can move really fast. God can also move painfully slowly. "He may not come when you want Him, but He's right on time."
[color:"brown"]
James 1:12
God blesses the people who patiently endure testing.

James 5:10-11
For examples of patience in suffering, dear brothers and sisters, look at the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. Job is an example of a man who endured patiently. From his experience we see how the Lord's plan finally ended in good, for he is full of tenderness and mercy. [/color]


NTL


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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Well, the days have gotten a little more bareable and i now what a plan A is but it will still be a little difficult to implement when she doesnt want to see me. I havent lost hope, but ive come to realize that her affair, I think, falls into the soulmate catagory (why did it have to be that one?...arggggg) Im really gonna have a tuff time with this one. And once again, after reading surviving an affair, i find that theres always kids involved in all the examples. Its hard to think that with only a few years under our belts and no children that ill be able to pull it off, BUT I WONT QUIT ON HER.

Btw....hello everyone.


Green lights and blue skies...
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99.9% of the affairs we discuss here on MB fall into the "soulmate" variety !!!

your situation is not an exception ... it is the norm!

Last edited by Pepperband; 10/02/05 09:43 AM.
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Fight,

She never would have written this to you if you did not matter to her. Why take the time to write down your innermost feelings if it did not matter?

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Bit nervous today because i have a lawyers appointment in an hour here and then after that il be at the IL house to hang with my FL. Problem is, that my WW will probably be there and i havent seen her in two weeks. I dont know what shell say but i am kinda afraid of what it will be.
Based on her letter, the next time we talk it will be about the house...
That can only mean that she wants to figure out how were gonna divide it up. I dont wanna talk to her about that yet.
Although i guess if shes talking then ill have no option but to listen.


Green lights and blue skies...
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Fight,

Just wanted to check in and let you know that there are others here who do not have children at home anymore. My FWH started his A shortly before my DD graduated and moved out. So by Dday, we had an empty nest. Even though the girls were mine from a previous marriage, FWH had raised them and they considered him their Dad. I actually think that was part of the attraction OW had for him. She wanted him to do the same for her 2 sons.

Any way, you should have figured out by now that just having children will not keep a WS from cheating, or from leaving. That is why they call it FOG. Do not expect your WW to act like she even remembers how to think. I guess from your previous post that WW's family knows about the A. Are they helping in any way to encourage her to try and work things out?

She sounds very confused. Do not make getting a divorce too easy for her. In the end, she may refuse to work on the marriage and one person can't do it alone, but at least you will know that you did everything you could. SAA will make it clear that at least her LB with you will be empty if you follow the program. It will help you be prepared for the worst and accept things better.


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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Fight,

""Problem is, that my WW will probably be there and i havent seen her in two weeks.""

Dude, no problem at all!!!

You've lost 36 lbs, been working out and are a hot stud muffin!!! You dress to the 9s, slap on a little of the cologne, walk into that meeting strutting your stuff, sucking in the gut, with a cocky smile on your face and give her a big grin and say "howdy stranger, howyoudoin?" She is in for a big surprise!

This is the start of plan A. No relationship talk. NO LBs!!

""how were gonna divide it up. I dont wanna talk to her about that yet."" THEN DON'T!! You can refuse to sell!
I hope you are still in it!

Have confidence, and a plan of what you will and what you will not talk about.

As for the A, how can you break that up?? Have you exposed to all that matter to her..and the OM? Do you know who the slime ball is?

Stay strong!!

k


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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well...the A is roxing hard and strong...theres probably no way i can break it because ive told the world..and i mean the world about it and it doesnt seem to phase her. Its forced her to stay away from her family, and she only hangs with OM and the one friend who backs her, but shes still staying strong on her side of the issue.
I didnt see her today, thank god, but if i did i was gonna throw her through a loop and just say exactly what krusht said..."hey, hows it going?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Play it like theres not a problem in the world. Make her think twice about what shes doin...
Only thing about that is that im too honest. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I decided that a long time ago, honesty is the best legacy, because no matter what, if your honest then your real and no one can second guess who you are because they met YOU. They didnt meet a person playing a role, but you.
And my honesty runs so deep that i dont lie even when it would be benificial to tell even a white lie.(learned that from my dear mother).
Well...anyways, today was a little tough on the start but its becoming a decent day. And when i talked to the lawyer today, she told me that in my state its "no fault" and that after it was all said and done i would walk away with what i put into everything, which in my case, is a whopping $500. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> (she did the down payment on the house which we bought before marriage). Equity=$1000. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
So if it all ends...i get doubly screwed.
Emotionally, finacially...
Man, that is the pits...
BUT, i will walk away with a sense of self...
A stronger view of who i am...
A new and better job...
Better personal habits...
A slimmer new me...
A newfound faith in god...
More pride in what ive done for myself...
And a new day dawning with infinite possiblities...

So even if the path is dark, and the road ends in the worst way, ill know that it was for the better and that was gods plan. A plan that was intended to kick me in the 4ss and make me make myself a better person for the long run.

Ive learned integrity. Ive learned self discipline. Ive learned how to do my own laundry...(i know i know)...tsk tsk tsk...lol.

It cant rain all the time and time is what will make the rain stop...just hope that it stops raining with her knockin on my door, because i didnt know it then, but i know it now that my love for her runs deeper than the oceans and stronger than the mightiest river.


Green lights and blue skies...
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well...today is a little depressing but i think thats because i cant find anything to keep me busy and my mind is doing a million miles an hour. Everyday i get a little better but its the days off that i have the hardest times because i have nothing but time. Just gotta remind myself that theres always another day. Just wish i could shut off the thoughts.


Green lights and blue skies...
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i talked to my WW today and she still does not want to make it work. She just keeps claiming that i broke her heart a long time ago and that its over. So sad right now. I cant plan A with someone who does not want to even look at me let alone talk to me. I may have to just plan B this thing, let her A run its coourse and be there when that all falls through. I just dont know. So confused.
And it doesnt help that i found a girl whose interested in me. I know im not going to do anything but the temptation to be around her is VERY strong. It kinda makes me understand what my WW is going through. My ENs arent being met and this girl could meet them, only i know that its not right, and its really not fair to this girl.
BUT the temptation is strong. Im probably just going to shoot for a new friend here but i worry myself with how she makes me feel when im around her.


Green lights and blue skies...
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Oh and now im losing the support of her family. Her mom says i just need to give her time and space. and after exposing the A my WW just went to OM even more. Seems like i missed my opportunity to make it work those first three weeks after finding out about the affair when i LBed like a fiend. My WW told her sister that now shes afraid of my temper. Ironically i never once yelled at my wife or "exploded" until i found out about her betrayal. I havent yelled once since she left, when i talk to her its short and sweet and i keep it civil. unfortunatly im getting to the point of really giving up because she adamantly says "this will never work. didnt you read my letter?"

Do i really want to torture myself and become an emotional wreck over this? Wouldnt it just be easier to learn from this and move on like everyone tells me too?

i told her today that i wont give up on her and she said "i know"
WTF does that mean?

thats all she said about that. "i know"...

ugh this is all just too much...

Im young, i dont have any kids, i could just as easily move on with my life and make some other pretty lady happier than i did with my WW.

I know its still early in this whole affair biz, but i cant waste my life away waiting for her to "make up her mind"

Give her time and space...thats crap if you ask me.

shes using that time and space to sleep with someone else.

How bogus is that?


Green lights and blue skies...
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Try not to get involved with anyone else right now. You are too vulnerable. Earn your way out of this marriage first. You are still very early in this and lots of things can happen.

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Dude,

That is REAL bogus man.

Plan B is you giving her the Plan B letter basically saying that you love her to death, but continued contact with her while she is doing the OM is killing you...so you are going to go dark and not speak or associate with her or anyone that is near her. And you hope that she will abide by your request. If she all of a sudden has an epiphany and must get back together with you, then you will talk. But not before.

You will gain more peace and less pain by excluding her from your life for a while...or for ever. You will be able to concentrate on you and get your life under control.

You are not moving on though!! You do not date or go out tomcatting around. You are still married! Unless you go the Big D, you must stay true to your vows, or you will become just like the rest of the scum-sucking infidels.

k <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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i know i know. I dont want to walk that road.
I think the hardest thing in all of this is that im still in "our" house and being here is the killer. The other hard thing is that she says its over and theres no hope for reconciliation yet she doesnt do anything like file for D or even for a separation. Just too wierd.
As far as dating and such goes...im not going to. I know that its not right, and im not ready, and yes im still married although it sure doesnt feel like it. Besides, it wouldnt be fair to a new girl thats shes meeting someone whose got a ton of emotional baggage in the trunk(me).

Thats just how i feel though.

Cant help the way i feel.

and your right krusht, i do need to concentrate on myself and get my life undercontrol.

Just think that would be a little easier if there was some closure in all of this. I dont want it to end but if shes not considering coming back then i need it to be OVER so i can get myself and my life back on track. Shes not even giving me that. I think shes actually kind of enjoying putting me through this as a little payback for neglecting her and putting her through pain for the last year.

I almost wish sumdays that she would drop the big D just so i really knew it was final.

Wow this is the pits...

But at least i can say that with a smile on my face. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That seems to happen a little more lately. (the smiling thing)

Friends help, family helps, work doesnt (although everyone tells me that work is the best place to get things off my mind), and time alone really really doesnt help.

But the sun shines a little brighter everyday and i know that ill make it through this someday and i will be a better person for it.

Why is it that the high road is also uphill?


Green lights and blue skies...
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Well...its been a minute since my last post and really not much has happened since the last post besides me having a lot more good days than bad. Actually the bad days are almost nonexistant at this point. Out meeting a ton of new people, doing things i would never had done before, and just generally enjoying each day as much as i can. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I think that it really helps me to just not think about her or even see or talk to her so i dont get all emotionally jumbled up and make mistakes.
Ive seen her twice passing by while driving and its funny but im always smiling and shes always looking so sad. She waved once but i dont think she saw this last time which was today.
Either way, Im a very happy go lucky person and i think that im getting back to be that happy go lucky guy i was before Dday. Cant keep me down too long. Its been probably 10 days since the last time i even felt the least bit sad or angry. Im still lonely but theres nothing i can do about that. Only my wife can help me in that department...
But i thought id pop on and update yall on how IM doing, which i would say is rather top of the world, considering the situation...
But yeah, i think that if i was to talk to her now i could do it without being clingy,needy,emotional...you know all that good stuff that pushes a WS further...Finally took a little time to fix myself and not so much concentration on fixing my marriage. I think i needed that more than anything...

Now if i could just sleep a full night through...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Green lights and blue skies...
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Wow...my wife just stopped by to get sum things and she just laid it on me...the Big D.
We talked about it and it was painful but i held my composer through the whole conversation. Tuff but at least i have an answer...
I told her that i am her husband and that if she ever needs to talk to someone ill be here for her.
Ironic how i want to make it work but gettin the answer was actually liberating. I feel free. Painful but free. And its gonna be a while before she files...springtime i think...so theres still a chance that we could reconcile but i know where im at now.
****** i even said that if her and her boy break up and she needs sumone to talk to ill be here for her. Strange that i can say that, and it made her smile. The smile was what i was shooting for.
Made me feel good to make her feel good.
I also took the opportunity to tell her that i really wasnt happy for the last year either. And i thanked her for lighting a fire up under my a$$ to make me better myself, for myself.
I think the road to recovery will be that much easier now that i have an answer.
I told her that her decision is her decision and theres nothing i can say to change her mind because its her mind.
I thanked her for 5 wonderful years of marriage and all that came with it.
Talked about my new job...selling the house...who will live where...how wed split the money...and all that.
Told her that her decisions where hers and that i can respect that...
Funny how we had problems talking and here at the end of all things, we're talking better than in the last year.
Im not gonna give up on her...
I still have till spring before we sell the house and shes not filing until thats done...
I have about 6months or more depending on how long it takes to sell the house before our ties are really cut...
I can use that time to make myself the best i can be...
Wow...the bittersweetness of it all is a little hard to swallow right now.
maybe thats why im rambling on and on.

I love her

I always will

Shes a part of my life

And ill miss her

Maybe in the up coming months shell miss me too

One can only hope


Green lights and blue skies...
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Today i made a major mistake...or rather i think gettin that new job was a mistake and dumping my old one was. I left my old job to get a "better" job but working third shift (which ive always hated) and not sleeping, took its toll. I quit my new job to crawl back to my old job for less money. Can we say screw up. I think i took the other job in hopes of getting my WW to see something better in me, but the new job was sapping what little happiness i had right out of me. So in yet another fit of irrationality (seem to have a lot of those lately) i quit.
I have never in my whole life quit a job or made so many bad bad decisions.
Is this what infidelity does to a person.
Why is it that her life hasnt collapsed and mine is just going from bad to worse.
I still have my sense of humor, and i will be smiling tomorrow, but its these moments of irrationality that make it all that much harder.
i just keep making my life...without her...worse than being without her has already made it.
wow

wish i could just stop being a dumb4$$ and get it together just long enough to get it goin on track.

And i was doing so well...

My take on it all is that ive changed too much too fast and its all catching up to me.

At least im eating again, as a matter of fact im really hungry right now.

sorry about the ramble just needed to get that all off my chest.


Green lights and blue skies...
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Well...today was my two year anniversary. I woke up to my WW commin in our bedroom to get sum things to take back to her folks. Funny but i really didnt "feel" anything at that moment. I just woke up, said happy anniversary...she said i know...once again wtf is up with her and i know?...then i said well maybe we'll just say anniversary...(made me giggle). we were both talking plesantly at this point. Then as she was leaving i told her how i had quit that job and that made her a little pi$$ed. Then i proceeded to tell her that shell be the one living in the house because i can no longer afford to be there(last week she gave me the altimatum either she lives in the house and pays all the bills or i do). So ill be moving out. Then i said...Well lets put the house on the market now and not the spring so we can get the ball rolling on all this business. She got a little angry!!!! wow...why would someone who wants a divorce get angry when, with a smile on my face, thier told that they need to hurry the process along. Wow...WS just dont know what they want do they?
I think seein me happy made her upset. Seeing me take control of the situation made her upset. Seeing me move the divorce forward made her upset. But thats my way of saying...Im just as done with you as you are with me, now can we just close this all up and get on with our lives.

Now im not sure what transpired here today but if any of you vets could give me a WS translation on how she was acting that would be awesome...

Gimme some .02 here.


Green lights and blue skies...
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