Directing this more to the males here on this board..

A friend recently ended a dating R that was about a year long.
He did say he believes he was "in love" w/this person - but, there were alot of EN not being met and looks wise he wasn't exactly proud to be w/her - but sexually she was great. He had some attraction to her that kept the R going for a year though he can't pinpoint it..Emotionally I think she ripped him up w/condescending remarks, too much about past R, controlling/demading behaviour from her, etc. Somethings that he told me make me think that respect was missing on both sides. Though, I only heard his side. When he ended it he said he just couldn't take anymore..

So 2 months later he is thinking that he caused her behaviour, I guess he's second guessing his decision to break it off. Trying to be a friend w/o leaning his/her way I dug deeper..

From my guess he's missing having a R - whether it's her or "someone else"..Things he said didn't make me believe that he missed her smile, her personality, etc. In fact, he never said those things. It was more Why am I thinking of her???

Anyone else miss "being w/someone" rather than the actual person???? Did you just miss having a R??

Years ago - I thought I missed and still loved an old BF - I thought I'd carry that torch forever...years went by and then I ran into him - we talked for hrs. reminised about our R, etc. Driving home it hit me like a ton of bricks - I felt nothing anymore for him - any ? I had in my mind were answered - I didn't love him anymore and he's never in my thoughts. I never what if - anymore..

I guess when my WH shut me out I missed him, I missed doing things for him, I missed being attracted to him - then I missed the R and dealt w/my loneliness by filling my life w/other things that made me happy. All that is gone - I don't miss anything about him or his drama anymore..Even though I'm still M to him..

Comments please

Well, I think it's both, and it depends.

Sometimes I miss having a relationship. I don't really miss any one person.

Maybe your friend just didn't want to admit to himself that he enjoyed the sex enough to stay with a person that he was embarrassed to be seen with.

After all - we aren't supposed to admit that we are animal enough to just want sex and not a relationship and certainly not to admit having sex with someone that we are embarrassed to introduce about.

On the other hand - my BF tells me that he was with a woman for four years on and off that had no social graces, was not very bright, was a good person at heart, but could not keep up with him intelletually or socially. I think he just was lonely enough to want a relationship with anyone or someone - a warm body.

Scares me, because how am I sure that he won't be honest enough to end a relationship with me if it is not working for him?

Your friend should be wondering if he is going to be not available if someone that could be "the one" for him comes along while he is hanging on to an embarrassing sex partner so he won't be lonely.

I think too that we all fear being lonely until we experience living alone and get used to filling our own needs. Has he experienced that?

V.

I would say that I miss being in an R, but am wary of compromising my "ideal mate" requirements for the sake of the "most available".

I lived in the illusion of an ideal M for 7 years and, I must admit, I enjoyed what I thought I had. The shared lives, being there for one another, the "inside jokes"...a real R.

I have found myself attracted to women that, after the "infatuation" wears off, I realized that I was compromising...I have kept myself from any entanglements regarding these one or two "infatuations" and they have been very helpful in learning about potential vulnerability to "any port in a storm". I must not compromise on my "must have" R requirements.

I have already seen a "red flag" (potential overdoing the booze) in a online service contact and gracefully extracted myself. She was a great person to talk with and I liked her personality, but any hint of booze abuse is a HUGE "No-Go" for me.

I really miss being in an exclusive R...I recogize that, am aware of that and am proceeding with real caution.

Ithurts,

A classmate of mine has been with her BF for 4 years. (This woman is 36.) She hardley ever make any possitive comment about her BF. I once asked her is she was so unhappy with him, why stay in the R? Her reply was, it's too much work to find someone else. I think both men and women get into that rut, they rather be in an unhappy relationship than being alone.

I was like that with my first wife, which led to the failure of my since-regained character, so I empathize with people who get caught in that.

That being said, having lived through what I did, I cannot fathom that I would ever "settle" like that.

If after a multi-year exclusive R and I am not thinking of her during the day or feeling motivated to do the "little things" that make women feel special, I have to drage out the PORH and find out why by introspection and discussion with her to either fix the issue or go our separate ways.

I have discovered that alone ain't a death sentence...I may just be sentencing myself to twice-yearly trips to the Bunny Ranch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I kid, I kid!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />