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#1503404 10/19/05 07:53 AM
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Go ahead and ask me any questions you wish, and if I find any a little to personal, we can work out emails then. I'm usually quite open about the majority of my experiences and am willing to share if it helps you or anyone else. I firmly believe that we've made it through our issues so that we can help others in the similar situations get through it and be a stronger couple for it.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Oh thank you.

I've been slammed by some OW's, when I asked questions on other forums. Mind you, the experience and comfort I've gained from these avenues is worth all the slamming...

I am on the other side of your situation. I'd like to know - for my own knowledge in a very non-judgemental way - what your life was like.

I say this, as I have absolutely NO knowledge of anything going on in my OC ordeal.

The A wasn't all that long, but long enough. The OW was married and VERY public with her betrayal. Rather than type it all again, you can read it, if you don't mind in the "NC..does it work?" thread.

Her H had been a confidant of mine. We helped each other get through. Up until 3 weeks before birth. Of course, I did not attempt contact with him, either - I was in such a hole, that maybe it was my fault as well.

No one will tell me anything. How did YOUR H feel? How did you feel ? Your COM ? Anything you can tell me would be a Godsend. The OC is a boy, not quite 5 months old. I think I read that your bio-father has NC. Is that right ? Does it work?

Please forgive me, was your H at all disgusted with you at the beginning ? Did he ever hold it against you or such ?

Is my OW's life perfect right now ? Will she be back after my H?

My life isn't perfect with all this pain. Knowledge helps me. Maybe in some sort of sick way, I need to know she's suffered as I and my COM have. I wonder what her two other children know, as well..

Thank you for being so kind.


Eibrab

With H 19 years, me 36, H 44
2 children 13, 9
Seperated briefly
A during reconciliation 10/03 - 6/04
relapse 9/04
Told about OC 3/05
OC born 5/05
NC and suffering, but trying

Last edited by Eibrab; 10/19/05 10:49 AM.
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Oh thank you.

I've been slammed by some OW's, when I asked questions on other forums. Mind you, the experience and comfort I've gained from these avenues is worth all the slamming...

I am on the other side of your situation. I'd like to know - for my own knowledge in a very non-judgemental way - what your life was like.

[color:"blue"]My life, at the time, was odd to say the least. I have to admit that I would look at myself in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back at me. My H is in the military and deployed at the time, and our M had been rocky to say the least. I'm not excusing my behavior, just explaining where my mind and emotions were at. I'm not trying to blame anyone but myself, but will be honest, the xmom DID pursue me, I was just stupid enough to accept it all. I was also away from the church and where I should have been, and more than 2000 miles away from family. [/color]


I say this, as I have absolutely NO knowledge of anything going on in my OC ordeal.

The A wasn't all that long, but long enough. The OW was married and VERY public with her betrayal. Rather than type it all again, you can read it, if you don't mind in the "NC..does it work?" thread.

[color:"blue"]I read your other thread, and will say that I am NOTHING like the OW in your situation. I was never public with my betrayal, in fact was quite embarrassed about what I was doing, but the xom was basically emotionally blackmailing me if I broke it off he would tell my H all when he got home! He even threatened to kill my H so he could "have" me. It wasn't pretty, but I still continued. [/color]


Her H had been a confidant of mine. We helped each other get through. Up until 3 weeks before birth. Of course, I did not attempt contact with him, either - I was in such a hole, that maybe it was my fault as well.

[color:"blue"]I'm actually glad that you no longer have contact with the ow's H, as that's NOT a safe thing to do. Relationships like that, especially when you are in such emotional pain, often end up in A's! [/color]


No one will tell me anything. How did YOUR H feel? How did you feel ? Your COM ? Anything you can tell me would be a Godsend. The OC is a boy, not quite 5 months old. I think I read that your bio-father has NC. Is that right ? Does it work?

[color:"blue"]My story is such a long, confusing one, but long story short, I actually DID think of abortion as soon as I saw the positive pg test! My H knew of the A before that, and since he had just gotten back from being deployed, pretty much knew he wouldn't be the bio-father. I even called what I thought was a clinic, but it turned out to be a crisis pregnancy center. I ended up hanging up on them, but then called my parents. It is SO true that it isn't the OC's fault, and after talking with my H, we decided to go through with the P. At that time we still weren't sure where things would go in our M or if we would keep or give up the OC for adoption. I left that up to my H to decide. We did know that we would NEVER tell the xom, due to threats on my H's life, infront of a neighbor I might add. [/color]


Please forgive me, was your H at all disgusted with you at the beginning ? Did he ever hold it against you or such ?

[color:"blue"]As every story is different, well, my H and I didn't sleep in the same bed the night of Dday, but other than deployments and such, we've been together ever since. I think the disgust is more of myself, even to this day, 5 years past Dday, that I did that not only to myself but my family as well. My H has never held the A against me, and we are both dedicated to repairing the damage we both have done to our M(I am also a BW as my H has had multiple A's) [/color]


Is my OW's life perfect right now ? Will she be back after my H?

[color:"blue"]I can tell you that I will NEVER have another A, PERIOD! Unfortunately, it took our dear Abbi to wake me up to my idiocy, but I have learned my lesson! My life isn't perfect, but we are working every day to make our own M stronger. I usually don't even think of the xom, except when asked questions like these. And, the times that I do, it's not with fondness. We also have NO guilt about never telling him of the P. Due to his violent nature(physically assulted my H on Dday) and my total disgust with what I had done and him, we never said a thing to him, and have never had a DNA test done. Also, we didn't want to take away from his then(not sure if they ever D'd) wife and little girl. We figured that a complete and total break was best for ALL concerned. We are now half way across the states from him, as far as I know, and should never happen to cross paths. [/color]


My life isn't perfect with all this pain. Knowledge helps me. Maybe in some sort of sick way, I need to know she's suffered as I and my COM have. I wonder what her two other children know, as well..

[color:"blue"]As for the COM, well, we haven't said anything to them and probably never will. Heck, for all we know, Abbi IS their full sister, and it would be stupid to say otherwise! I can't tell you that the OW in your situation has suffered. I know that I probably have beat myself up more than others, but we are getting over that pain and living our lives in the way we should(or at least trying to). No one is perfect, and no one can have a perfect life. If the OW seems to have no cares, well, then she's either putting on a front, or she feels she's done nothing wrong. Unfortunately, you can't change her or her actions, but you can work on yourself and your M and try to put this all behind you. If the OW's H is on the BC, well, count your blessings that your H is only being responsible for the health insurance. BUT, I would prepare yourself for possible CS down the road.

Check with your state laws on presumed paternity. In some states, if the non-bio-father agrees to raise the child as his own, with knowledge said child is NOT his, and they then get a D, that man will be the one responsible for CS. But, if he contests it within a certain time period, your H could be held responsible. Try not to get blindsided in that way. [/color]

Thank you for being so kind.


Eibrab


[color:"blue"]You are very welcome, I hope I answered your questions. If you have more, please don't hessitate to ask. I have been on both sides of the infidelity coin, and as I said before, am more than willing to share my experiences to help others in the same situation. [/color]


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Thank you.

Could you tell I was waiting to "pounce" on your answers ? :-)

I know I have more questions. Just have to absorb things is all.

I suppose I'm having trouble fathoming that people endure this, but then look at me.

Blessings,

Eibrab

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You're welcome. I'm sorry it took a bit to answer, I had to think of how to put things, and actually try to remember some, since it was over 5 years ago, and we've been able to move past it all. One thing I forgot to mention is that my H(if you look WAY back in the archives he used to post under the name Sailorman59) has always loved Abbi as his own and considers her as his own, no matter what the DNA might say. That's another reason we've never done any tests.

Just post again with any more questions, and if there are others out there that are curious, I am more than willing to answer your questions as well.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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I hope that neither of you mind me peeking in. I have a few questions Tigger, if you don't mind of course.

What are your feelings on OW's who have the child, and then request child support, contact, etc. of the MM? I know your situation was different because the MM was violent. Had he not been violent, would you have looked for the MM to be involved in your and the child's life (physically, mentally, financially)?


April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.

My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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I hope that neither of you mind me peeking in. I have a few questions Tigger, if you don't mind of course.

[color:"blue"]By all means, please ask away. The more I can help others, the better. [/color]

What are your feelings on OW's who have the child, and then request child support, contact, etc. of the MM?

[color:"blue"]I, personally, feel that the OW who file for CS, contact and all that could look to different avenues. I am not one to advocate abortion, even though we did consider it when we first found out. I am a HUGE advocate for adoption. We have a BD(birthdaughter) that we gave up for adoption when my H was still in HS and I was just out of HS. I KNOW the kind of pain you live with, but it is much better, IMO, to give a child a chance at a more normal life than going from one home to the other and dealing with the issues that causes. I know, there's no guarantee that the couple that adopts will stay together, but it's a better chance at a normal life than one going between two families. Plus, you won't have a BW dealing with the anger issues of having to deal with the OW on a regular basis.

Another thing that bothers me, and a reason I DON'T go to any of "those" sites anymore, is when they sue for CS and the M'd couple then goes after visitation and the OW b!@#$%^ and complains that the BW will have "control" over her child when the MM has the OC for visitation. It's like they say to the MM or BW, if you play, you gotta pay. They just don't like to have it turned around onto themselves. I'm not saying that all OW do that, but I have read MANY who that's all they can say, or should I say complain about! Just like the first xow in my situation, saying that I shouldn't judge?!?! "Look woman, that's MY H and we are STILL M'd, you have NO right to be contacting him, especially 5 yrs later!" Sorry bout that little rant, but that is one woman that will hate the day if she ever comes face to face with me again. That's a whole other story that I could share later if you wish, but needless to say, she's probably still being the OW for some poor couple, as myh H wasn't her FIRST MM! Anyway, back to your quesstions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

I know your situation was different because the MM was violent. Had he not been violent, would you have looked for the MM to be involved in your and the child's life (physically, mentally, financially)?

[color:"blue"]You know, I honestly don't think that I would have wanted that, what with wanting to repair my own M, and not wanting to take away from his W and D. I had interfered enough as it was, I didn't want to cause even more problems or pain. Of course, most of my decisions were made by my H, at my request, as I wanted to prove to him that I was willing to change and do anything and everything to save my M. I was scared to death, but was willing to be basically kicked out of my family and I was going to survive, somehow, on my own if that happened. In my mind, I had already caused enough pain, I wasn't going to create even more. Plus, continued contact can and has cause a continuence of the A's in many cases. If there is contact, that's why it's always suggested that contact be between the BS and OP, therefore avoiding the chance of things "reigniting".

There are times when my H used to say that if it wouldn't hurt the W and D, and have xom possibly involved in our lives for the next 18 yrs, he would have loved to stick CS to xom, since, in my H's eyes, he was getting away scott free. But, then, when Abbi was born, his feelings changed to that of the protective father of ALL the children in, if not of the M. As I said to Eibrab, she is his in all the ways that matter. [/color]


Let me know if that was clear enough. I haven't re-hashed all this in quite a while and sometimes things end up jumbled. I'm also sorry that we got off to such a rough start, but as with curiosity, I was more concerned with the actual option given rather than the person giving it. Wasn't anything against you, just my knee jerk reaction. Forgive me?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Your answer was exactly what I wanted to hear. I totally agree with your stance on the issue. I think probably because I'm a BS.

BTW - No need for forgiveness, I find myself very sensitive at this time. No problem and I appreciate your response to my question.


April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.

My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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Tigger can I ask you a question. If your marriage would NOT have worked out would you still have considered adoption or would you have had your daughter and raised her alone? Do you think you would have asked for cs then? I mean it's quite different when it's a MOW versus a ow.


Aka Marysway
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Adoption would have then been my choice.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)

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