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Joined: Jun 2001
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Hi Fellow MBers...

It has been a very long time since I have posted here. I used to be rather regular a couple of years ago, but as often happens, life took me in a different direction. I originally came to MB to learn from others about what I had done as an OM when I had an affair. I became a member here and read, learned, shared, and listened to the knowledge, feelings, pain, and wisdom of others. I also tried to help others get through situations as I learned more and felt more comfortable in sharing. I was open about the fact that I had been on both sides of an affair as a WS and OM and was neither proud nor happy with either side as many folks were hurt that I cared about. In addition, I tried helping as much as I could with my own postings and sharings. I am back with an impassioned plea and to hopefully help once again. The message is simple...If you are an OM/OW or a WS spouse that is either thinking of having an affair, is starting one up, or in the middle of one....GET OUT NOW!!! You need to stop and let this person that you say you love or care about find their own way through the emotional maze that is their marriage. If you truly love and care about them, let them make their own decisions about their life and their marriage. Be there for them if/when they are truly free to explore another or a new relationship with you....but let them finish it on their own. Don't try to convince me that "you can't live without them" because that is a selfish rationalization..I know!! Please take the time to read this and reflect on your situation...really look at what you are doing!!!

You see, I was one of the ones that thought we had beaten the odds as we tried to make a new life after the affair. I moved to be near her so we could put our lives together. We spent the better part of four years "working" on solidifying our relationship. We started out as BEST FRIENDS and it progressed from there with her realizing I "filled the missing voids" and she was everything I ever wanted in a partner. We had such high hopes for us and she started slowly working on her divorce. I gave her space and time to work on it as she felt comfortable, confident that we were getting stronger. If she is getting the divorce, I thought, then we are becoming closer and want the same things. In reality, we were a time bomb waiting to go off. One of the biggest mistakes I made in this whole relationship was to assume (both naively and arrogantly) that I could "help" the woman I loved. I believed that I could help her forget all the bad times in her marriage. I believed that if I loved her enough and showed her enough affection and attention, that I would "replace" all the bad times and insecurities she had with her marriage and her H. I thought if we planned a happy future and I got her out of the town she spent twenty years building a life with H and her family, that we would be free of H and the influence he had over her life. If we left after her kids were out of school, he couldn't control her or our lives anymore. The problem was that I was the one convincing her that is what she needed and wanted. I was pushing her, convincing her, pulling and prodding...but it was never what she truly wanted deep inside. I didn't realize it at that time, but it was happening and I was planting the seeds that would lead to a very painful breakup about a month ago, four years after it all started. I was planting the seeds for her to regret our meeting, resent our attempt at having a relationship, be angry at my moving to be near her, angry at her losing her family, losing her H, losing her home, her marriage, the family holidays and boating vacations and all the other things she spent 20 plus years building. What I didn't realize was that she gave up everything because I and others in her life had "convinced" her she would be happier without them. Even her family had convinced her that I was a great guy and she would be better off divorcing and moving on. In the end, all she could focus on was the hurt and pain we had caused to her H, her kids, and ultimately to her, as well. She ended up dreading seeing me, dreading any intimacy at all, dreaded me holding her, and ultimately even being near her. The more I tried being a nice guy or giving her space, the more she resented me and pushed me away. In addition, we no longer have any contact, so not only did I lose the woman I truly do love, but we also lost what had become our best friend. We are both now alone, hurt, confused and cannot have any contact so that she can have some semblance of peace in her life. I have never been able to tell her how sorry I am at how things ended up or that she is hurting, nor will I hurt her any further with how much I am hurting now.

I didn't lose her because I didn't love her enough or was a bad person. In fact, just the opposite, the more I loved her, the worse it got. The nicer I was, the angrier she became and the more she resented what we did. I lost her because I never really had her...not totally. Her heart never got over the loss of her H and her family or how much we hurt them. She was never comfortable with our lives crossing over and sharing in each others work or social settings, or recreation. She made me realize this when we talked and she could never even answer with any pride the magic question..."So how did you two meet?" She is not someone that can lie and the fact that she could not give a true answer was more than we could bear. In the end, she couldn't even say she loved me the way she should.

I realize that some of you are just starting your affairs and are in that "sexual bliss honeymoon" crap, but the bottom line is that your affair will not end up being about you!! I know you are telling each other "I will love you forever" and all the other things that "new couples" say, but the bottom line is that if you do not stop now and let this person get through this alone....and I mean NO CONTACT...it will come back to haunt you in the future. You will be responsible for hurting kids, extended families, ruining holidays and a whole host of other things you cannot even comprehend!!

I speak not from anger or frustration, but from experience. I know what I did, and as a Rascal Flatts song says, "I know all the ghosts and faced all my demons...finally content with a past I regret". Let the WS you are with go....let them grow on their own. If their life in the future, includes you because they are truly free to be with you...GREAT. If not...You did the RIGHT THING to let them put their life back together. Don't be selfish, like I was, and hurt someone else's life for your own happiness. Again...like the Rascal Flatts song says..."I loved like I should, but lived like I shouldn't...I had to lose everything to find out....Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road...."

If by chance she reads this...I am sorry and wish there was something I could do to help. For the rest of you...I hope this helps even one person out there to realize...YOU NEED TO STOP!! I realize this is a long post, but hope you take the time read it and take the experience to heart.

Take Care and Be Well.


True Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!
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Kinda like a run away frieght train. Once it get's rolling, it's hard to stop.

I do feel, I think, like I have been an OM. But I have been an OM in my W's life. I wont accually know the difference, unless I do step out of bound's. But that has been in the past an impossability.

My W need's something from me, but this need is foriegn to me, I do not have the experience for the knowledge that this need require's. I wont understand unless I cross that line. It is as if my W wait's, and wait's, to finnally get the chance to say "see, it's just not that simple".

To be, for the one you love, the mirror of their regret's, I do not wish on anyone.

So, what did you learn from your experience? I know, life's just not that simple. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

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Thank you for sharing.

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What have I learned from my experience? Great question...

I have learned....

when you have a relationship with someone that loves you, it is the most wonderful thing in the world and most of us are unprepared for the immense amount of work it takes to make it even better.

that commitment and dedication are not "part-time" things!

that no matter what your intentions are, the perception of someone important to you carries more weight.

that once you break the trust someone holds for you, it will never again be the same.

that just like the stone thrown in the water, the "ripple effect" of an affair has far reaching implications and can cause things later on that we cannot fathom when we are in the midst of seeking our own pleasure.

that truly loving the person I love has meant that I had to let her go and and lose everything in order to let her pursue her own peace and sense of self.

that the older we get, the more baggage we carry with us and it tends to weigh us down more than we understand it does.

that we cannot "fix it" just because we want to be able to.

that unless we are complete with ourselves, we can never be complete with someone else.

that the world is not about us, what we can get or what someone owes us. It is about enhancing the lives of others...but they have to be ready and able to receive the gifts, or it won't matter in the end.

That love does not conquer all...if it is one sided. You can't make someone love you enough.

As I go through the process, many more lessons are learned, but for now, those are the most obvious to me. I am sure that there will be a lot more on the journey.

Be well...


True Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!
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trueheart,

Thank you for sharing both your experiences and your lessons learned. Many lessons in life are very painful to learn and I am sorry that you are in pain. I am also sorry that your actions have caused others so much pain. If by sharing what you have learned, one other person might rethink their course of actions, then your sharing will have been appreciated.

I hope and pray that you find peace in your life.


Good luck and God bless,
RC

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What a powerful post.

Thanks!

Kathi

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Originally Posted by trueheart
Hi Fellow MBers...

It has been a very long time since I have posted here. I used to be rather regular a couple of years ago, but as often happens, life took me in a different direction. I originally came to MB to learn from others about what I had done as an OM when I had an affair. I became a member here and read, learned, shared, and listened to the knowledge, feelings, pain, and wisdom of others. I also tried to help others get through situations as I learned more and felt more comfortable in sharing. I was open about the fact that I had been on both sides of an affair as a WS and OM and was neither proud nor happy with either side as many folks were hurt that I cared about. In addition, I tried helping as much as I could with my own postings and sharings. I am back with an impassioned plea and to hopefully help once again. The message is simple...If you are an OM/OW or a WS spouse that is either thinking of having an affair, is starting one up, or in the middle of one....GET OUT NOW!!! You need to stop and let this person that you say you love or care about find their own way through the emotional maze that is their marriage. If you truly love and care about them, let them make their own decisions about their life and their marriage. Be there for them if/when they are truly free to explore another or a new relationship with you....but let them finish it on their own. Don't try to convince me that "you can't live without them" because that is a selfish rationalization..I know!! Please take the time to read this and reflect on your situation...really look at what you are doing!!!

You see, I was one of the ones that thought we had beaten the odds as we tried to make a new life after the affair. I moved to be near her so we could put our lives together. We spent the better part of four years "working" on solidifying our relationship. We started out as BEST FRIENDS and it progressed from there with her realizing I "filled the missing voids" and she was everything I ever wanted in a partner. We had such high hopes for us and she started slowly working on her divorce. I gave her space and time to work on it as she felt comfortable, confident that we were getting stronger. If she is getting the divorce, I thought, then we are becoming closer and want the same things. In reality, we were a time bomb waiting to go off. One of the biggest mistakes I made in this whole relationship was to assume (both naively and arrogantly) that I could "help" the woman I loved. I believed that I could help her forget all the bad times in her marriage. I believed that if I loved her enough and showed her enough affection and attention, that I would "replace" all the bad times and insecurities she had with her marriage and her H. I thought if we planned a happy future and I got her out of the town she spent twenty years building a life with H and her family, that we would be free of H and the influence he had over her life. If we left after her kids were out of school, he couldn't control her or our lives anymore. The problem was that I was the one convincing her that is what she needed and wanted. I was pushing her, convincing her, pulling and prodding...but it was never what she truly wanted deep inside. I didn't realize it at that time, but it was happening and I was planting the seeds that would lead to a very painful breakup about a month ago, four years after it all started. I was planting the seeds for her to regret our meeting, resent our attempt at having a relationship, be angry at my moving to be near her, angry at her losing her family, losing her H, losing her home, her marriage, the family holidays and boating vacations and all the other things she spent 20 plus years building. What I didn't realize was that she gave up everything because I and others in her life had "convinced" her she would be happier without them. Even her family had convinced her that I was a great guy and she would be better off divorcing and moving on. In the end, all she could focus on was the hurt and pain we had caused to her H, her kids, and ultimately to her, as well. She ended up dreading seeing me, dreading any intimacy at all, dreaded me holding her, and ultimately even being near her. The more I tried being a nice guy or giving her space, the more she resented me and pushed me away. In addition, we no longer have any contact, so not only did I lose the woman I truly do love, but we also lost what had become our best friend. We are both now alone, hurt, confused and cannot have any contact so that she can have some semblance of peace in her life. I have never been able to tell her how sorry I am at how things ended up or that she is hurting, nor will I hurt her any further with how much I am hurting now.

I didn't lose her because I didn't love her enough or was a bad person. In fact, just the opposite, the more I loved her, the worse it got. The nicer I was, the angrier she became and the more she resented what we did. I lost her because I never really had her...not totally. Her heart never got over the loss of her H and her family or how much we hurt them. She was never comfortable with our lives crossing over and sharing in each others work or social settings, or recreation. She made me realize this when we talked and she could never even answer with any pride the magic question..."So how did you two meet?" She is not someone that can lie and the fact that she could not give a true answer was more than we could bear. In the end, she couldn't even say she loved me the way she should.

I realize that some of you are just starting your affairs and are in that "sexual bliss honeymoon" crap, but the bottom line is that your affair will not end up being about you!! I know you are telling each other "I will love you forever" and all the other things that "new couples" say, but the bottom line is that if you do not stop now and let this person get through this alone....and I mean NO CONTACT...it will come back to haunt you in the future. You will be responsible for hurting kids, extended families, ruining holidays and a whole host of other things you cannot even comprehend!!

I speak not from anger or frustration, but from experience. I know what I did, and as a Rascal Flatts song says, "I know all the ghosts and faced all my demons...finally content with a past I regret". Let the WS you are with go....let them grow on their own. If their life in the future, includes you because they are truly free to be with you...GREAT. If not...You did the RIGHT THING to let them put their life back together. Don't be selfish, like I was, and hurt someone else's life for your own happiness. Again...like the Rascal Flatts song says..."I loved like I should, but lived like I shouldn't...I had to lose everything to find out....Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road...."

If by chance she reads this...I am sorry and wish there was something I could do to help. For the rest of you...I hope this helps even one person out there to realize...YOU NEED TO STOP!! I realize this is a long post, but hope you take the time read it and take the experience to heart.

Take Care and Be Well.

Thinking about sending this to POSOM, thoughts?

Joined: Oct 2009
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It's powerful, no doubt about it. But you'd be trying to educate a wayward. They already know it all, remember? puke


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!


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