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#1511301 11/01/05 07:29 AM
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My soon to be 18 year old son has quit school and taken a full time job. I am just beside myself. He is making such a huge mistake.

He has had some legal problems and has gotten into drugs. He could finish school if he would. He is a senior. I am so upset.

What do you say to them?


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
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If he lives with you, I would say no and drive him to school. My son tried this his senior year and I decided he was too immature to make such a tragic decision at this age. I insisted he stay in school. If I had to KILL him to get him to graduation, I would do it. And I did it. When he skipped school, I threatened to escort him to every class. [in blue stretchy pants and rollers in my hair] The boy walked with the other kids on graduation. Don't let him do it, and don't give up!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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MelodyLane is right.

While they are under your roof..
...they must abide by your rules... and your rules are good!

Tough Love now!
...later is too late.

My son stopped going to a post-HS (community college) for a while...
...but started back up after a few month (at that time he wasn't living with me...
...but learning to respect adults (and most importantly parents) has to be a life long lesson.

He may crash... but sometimes it is what is needed.

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He does not live with me. He moved in with his father when he was 14 and it has been down hill ever since. We do not even live in the same town. He is about 1 1/2 hours from me.

His father has not been much help. I am just sick about this. My son had moved home right before the big affair. My husband did not want him to move home. I think one reason he had the affiar was to pay me back. When my husband left my son was so davasted because he felt like it was his fault. He moved back to his fathers.

I feel like I have failed my son. I do not know what to do and I am pissed off at my husband for his part in all of this. Right now I hate him.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
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Bump

I need help with this one. I am angry. I am angry at my son. I am angry at my ex husband. I am angry at my husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by LiftedUp; 11/01/05 09:26 AM.
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LU, I think it is time to get your DS some intervention. Some counseling with you and him together. Make an appt with his school counselor too. Don't wait.


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Liftedup,

Your son is almost 18....legally almost an adult. Personally I don`t think anyone is really mature until they are in at least their mid to late 20`s and even then some people never grow up.

But the law is that when your son turns 18 your liability and accountability ends.

My sister (I posted to you about her on your other thread) dropped out of college and moved out at 18. Where we live the children head off to college earlier than in the Sates. So she did not finish her first year of college. I left home when I was 20.

Our parents were not happy with our decisions. But we were allowed to make them. Quite frankly there was nothing our parents could have done to stop us. At that age kids are gonna do what they are gonna do.

My H dropped out of school when he was 17. He got a fulltime job and went to night school.

What your son has done is NOT the end of the world. This has not necessarily doomed his whole life. It`s made it harder but he hasn`t ruined it.

H, my sister and myself were young and foolish. We wanted out of the regular responsabilites that teenagers face. We thought we were ready for the adult responsabilities.

I think my parents and my H`s parents all handled this VERY well. All of them took the stance "Okay you want to be an adult so you are going to have to act like an adult. We no longer support you financially. For ALL of us that meant getting jobs and taking apartments. We were all given the option of returning home IF we paid rent. No school....no free ride.

Sure we all had fun...the parties the staying out late...no rules ect....but that didn`t last very long. You can`t party all night every night when you have to get up to go to work to earn rent and food money. It`s hard to work when you are hungover too.

Lifted up...it is what it is...being angry with your son or your X or your H is pointless now. Assigning blame is not going to change the situation. Your accountabiltiy has come to an end. Your son has decided that he is going to be responsible for himself now and you are going to have to let him do just that. Growing up means that the adults in your life no longer have any responsability for the choices that you make. If your son is to learn and grow as a man HE has to make his own choices and not point fingers. You can help him to learn how to do this by not pointing fingers yourself.

My life has not been perfect, my sister`s has not been perfect and neither has my H`s. If any of us could go back in time we would have chosen differently. But lives were not ruined either. We all have nice homes, good jobs money in the bank ect. None of us wound up in jail. We learned what we had to learn along the way.

I think your son will too if you give him the chance.


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Faithfulfollower,

We have done the counselor thing. I even had him put in rehab. When he cam out of rehab at 16 is when he came back home to live with me. It did not work out for many reasons. I have talked with him about this over and over.


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Daisy,

Thank you for such a positive post. I know that what you have said is true. It just gives me a heavy heart to know that the path he has chosen is going to be so much harder in the long run.

He will be 18 Dec 7. He tells me all the time that he will be an adult. I know that I have to allow him to make his mistakes and pray that the Lord will guide him.


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Liftedup,

I know this is hard for you to watch but our parents went through the same thing. Kids never choose the exact path in life that their parents would have chosen for them. Your son wants to spread wings and fly on his own now. All you can do is love him and support him in whatever he chooses to do. The same thing that you want others to do for you.

Has he been clean since getting out of rehab?


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No he is not clean. That is what troubles me. I went to visit him this pas Friday and spent the night. Dinner Friday night and breakfast Sat. was great. I left Sat afternoon for home. I beleive he stayed high Sat night and Sun.

I just have a gut feeling that quiting school is going to bring him alot of heartach.


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LiftedUp, will your XH not take a stand and force your son to stay in school? If not, I think that is a gross dereliction of duty; that is pure parental neglect. Even though he is almost 18, your H still has an obligation to be a parent to that boy.

My son also tried to drop out of school when he was 18 and I told him as long as I could reach his [censored] and he lived under my roof, he would finish school. It was not a negotiable issue. An 18 year old may be legally an "adult," but as long as he lives under your XH's roof, he has to follow his rules. I would strongly suggest that he use that leverage while he can in order to prevent your boy from making a tragic mistake.

And frankly, I wouldn't give a damn what methods I had to use to get a wayward child to graduate, I would use them because this is a tragic mistake that he will pay dearly for FOR LIFE. Employers don't hire high school drop outs, because they know that if a kid can't cut it in high school, he can't cut it on a job. A drop out is a drop out. This is a terrible mistake that he will pay for his whole life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Lifted,
I just had to reply to this after I read that your son has been involved with drugs. No, him quitting school doesn't have to be the end of the world, and I know how hard it is to watch him do something you know is a huge mistake. I also know that once he is 18 he will probably do what he pleases no matter what you say. If he is like my kids, he would move out if you gave him an ultimatum and then God only knows what he would get into.

The thing that could be the end of the world is his drug use...I don't want to scare you (well, I guess I do), but in the last 5 months, I have been to 4 funerals for young people (all of them under 30) who died from drugs or alcohol either directly or indirectly..that's not counting the ones I knew but weren't close to. None of them were bad people, they were people who started out 'trying' different drugs, thought they were invincible...and found out differently. I'm so serious here...believe it or not, I live in 'smalltown' USA and you would NOT believe the scope of the drug problem that so many of the young people here are part of. They start out taking an oxy or two, maybe a vicodin, snort a little coke, drink a little alcohol and sooner or later their hearts can't take it and they die. Oh, and then there is the heroin and methodone...it's crazy!
I guess what I'm trying to say is...get your son help for whatever drug he has gotten involved in at all costs. I'm dead serious, he's not 18 yet, get him in rehab...if he gets out and goes back to it, do whatever you can to get him back in...I can't stress enough how you will never regret trying to help him, but you could live forever wishing you would have tried harder...

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How do you force them in to rehab?


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
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If your son is not yet 18 can you force them into rehab...you need to check up on this. If you feel that your son is still doing drugs then you need to look into this before he turns 18.

I have heard of people calling the cops on their own children even if they are over 18 when they are using drugs. After your son turns 18 you definitely cannot force him into rehab but a judge CAN. This is what they call tough love. Hopefully things will not come to that but this is the trump card you hold if things get out of hand.


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LU,
I'm so sorry you having to deal with this. I know the struggles with your boys tears you up.

When will he be 18? What state?

I know this is difficult....raising kids is the toughest job we will ever do, and the job description changes endlessly.

It's not a life altering decision yet. He can still go back. Nothing is cast in stone.

Me personally, and I say personally, because I'm not advocating either way, am very weary of the my house my rules stance. My dad pulled that little trick out his hat when I was 17 and about a month shy of high school graduation. My mother was at the grocery store.

By the time she'd gotten back, I was gone. Never looked back. He threatened that all I would leave with was the clothes on my back... he took my car, all my belongings...EVERYTHING. I still left that day. I've essentially been an adult...FAR longer than I was a child..KWIM?

I would definately try to get help with the drug use, because that's usually the catalyst for these things.

My oldest son, who will be 22 here pretty darn soon, makes my head spin. He has just been out of work for the last 3 weeks, has failed to start college THREE times now. I started by not bailing him out, I figured he has bills, and that would put a fire under him...needless to say, his girlfriend paid all his bills for him this month. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'll never force him to conform, or I'll lose him, and that's not a chance I'm willing to take. My love for my son is unconditional... no matter how unmotivated he seems to be right now.

You have to breath, accept that your son's choices are his own, nothing you or H did can change this right now. You can talk to him, tell him how worried you are...but if you try to force anything...I am afraid of the consequences. Where does he live?

Pray, keep talking to him, and hugs to you.

I know what's going through your mind though, and I'm worried for you.

You're thinking if your son could have moved back home with you, you could have prevented all this. And then it shifts over to H, because he was the one who kind of decided it wasn't best for him to move back home.

Resentment building.... STOP it if you can.

I know it's hard sweetie..I KNOW it is....been there..done that...still doing that....I'm right there with you...you know that.

Just remember.... nothing is cast in stone. Sit down...try talking to H again..maybe he's open for the discussion.... explain to him how worried you are.

Hugs to you....I'll be thinking about you.


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