So, here's my story. I am a 26 year old young man who has been married for two years. I was faithful to my wife, totally committed and she had a one night stand. She said she wanted to separate to figure things out, and I have agreed to this. She believes that this time apart will bring us closer together, while I feel it will pull us further apart.

Case in point. I have met someone at work, an amazing woman, a little older than me, and have been seeing her off and on. Since being with this person, I have begun to think about a future with her. She is somewhat older, she turns 30 this week. I believe she is ready to settle down, but my situation scares her a little. We spent the entire last weekend together, and earlier this week she decided that this might be too much for me. She tells me how wonderful I am and how much of a fool my wife is, but she doesn't want to continue our romantic relationship. I am very confused. I know this period in my life is a whirlwind, but I am not the one who was unable to committ. I'm not sure if she is worried about getting hurt, but I am scared as well.

Basically, I see this person everyday. We work in the same corridor. However, she has a more important role in the agency and she wants to remain professional at work. And, I understand and respect that. She wants people to talk about her work ability and not her personal life. So, I am kinda stuck. I am not used to dating, and believe that I am ready. But, it has been awhile. I had been with my wife for a total of five years. I think this person is a little intimidated by that, but she compliments me nonetheless.

What should I do? Neither of us has any plans of changing jobs, so facing her daily is a little awkard and hurts a little too.

Time apart will cause you to drift apart from your wife.

Do you still want to be married? If not, file for divorce. Don't use your wife as a safety net if things don't work out in other relationships.

As far as this new person, I don't see enough information to give you any advice there.

My only advice is to read as much as you can on this website and learn what really makes relationships work. I would start here.

Married people don't date others.
If you want to date, get a divorce.

Married people who are living in separate houses and have filed for formal separation or divorce do date. Some don't agree with it here however, which is fine but it DOES happen.

ready4luv,

How long have you been separated?

Have you filed formal separation papers or divorce papers?

Work relationships are never a good thing especially if she is in a higher position than you and things go completely sour for the two of you.

Hang in there!

Married people who are living in separate houses and have filed for formal separation or divorce do date. Some don't agree with it here however, which is fine but it DOES happen.
And this site is called Marriage Builders for a pretty darn good reason.
Why is it wrong for a spouse to jump in the sack with someone else unless the other does it first and then it is perfectly acceptable and somehow even "good"?


She believes that this time apart will bring us closer together, while I feel it will pull us further apart.
...
I have met someone at work, an amazing woman, a little older than me, and have been seeing her off and on.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Self-fulfilling prophecy in action...

I'm kinda confused.
Are you looking for dating advice?
Divorce/marriage advice? None of your post said anything about what is going on with you and your wife.
Has a divorce (or even) separation actually been filed by you or your wife?


Work relationships are never a good thing especially if she is in a higher position than you and things go completely sour for the two of you.
But "not work" relationships are a good thing while still married?

And this site is called Marriage Builders for a pretty darn good reason.

No Sh*t! But if you look around not everyone is trying to build current marriages. Guess all of us who are divorced, separated or pending divorce to be final should just leave then huh?? Would that make you happier? JEEZ!

But "not work" relationships are a good thing while still married?

In MY book if there is a formal separation or divorce filed SURE. That doesn't mean YOU have to agree. Get off your high horse and realize that this isn't a perfect world we live in.

**sorry to everyone else...I'm in no mood to mess with quotes or tolerate belittling words from an obvious bitter person. Those who know me know why.

Chris,

You seem to have some unresolved aggression. This site is called Marriage Builders because Dr. Harley hopes to save marriages. And if he can't save the one you're in now, he hopes to save the one you build for the future after you're divorced from the current one.

This website is for anyone wishing to learn more about relationships.

This forum is for anyone looking for advice or help in regards to any type of relationship (not just marriages).

When you start your own website, you can dictate what goes on there.

What a wild thread. Firstly, I think we all need to start thinking more realistically. Yes, this place is called marriage builders, but that does not mean that we should all be saving every single marriage that is troubled. We need to be saving ourselves, helping ourselves as individuals so that we can go back to our marriages, or to our single life and be the best person that we can.

That is what I beleive this post was about.

I almost never post here, anymore, but this thread is just getting too weird to pass by uncommented.

Chris is not on a 'high horse', nor is he bitter, neither is he a victim of unresolved aggression; he is telling the truth, not as he sees it, nor as he would like it to be, but rather as it is. When someone tells the unvarnished truth, the hard truth, the truth that is TOUGH to live, most people today take personal offense...I wonder where the bitterness really lies.

Married is married until divorced, and married people do not date, period. The fact that we do not live in a perfect world is not license to do whatever the heck one wants to do. Could a bank-robber, say that cell-phone girl, write off her actions by saying, 'Sure, I am robbing your bank, but get down off of your high-horse, stop bitterly telling me what to do, because it is not a perfect world we live in."

Dating while married is wrong,done.

GB

Feel better now?

Dating before you are divorced is simply adultery...it doesn't matter if you "felt" the marriage was over. Do you have any idea how many Wayward Spouses use that line of reasoning to justify their affair? My ex-OW told me that she had "divorced" her H in her heart years before we had our A.

So I ask you, what is the difference between the affair I had and the ones that separated but not divorced people are having? Both are violating the marriage covenant, are they not?

Saying you know it's not right, but it's an imperfect world is a poor excuse. Again, this is the same reasoning applied by infidels to their marriage (e.g. monogamy just isn't realistic...I know I should be faithful, but that's not how things work in the real world...etc)

All legalities aside...it's just not healthy to quickly re-engage in a new relationship until you've had time to properly outprocess from the one that's ending.

Personally, I've set a time of two years before I intend to "date" again. I believe I need time to re-define who I am as an individual again. I need time to disengage from being married. I need to be sure that I with someone new for all the right reasons...and a newly separated person can't do that.

I am recently separated. I hold little hope for recovery at this point.

Maybe some can do this more quickly than others, but from what I've seen on this site, two years is about the norm.

Low

AGE,
Why are you getting so upset? Which of my statements was belittling?

If somehow it is okay & good to date while still married, there are websites where you will ALL The support you want. They will help justify ANYTHING you wish to do.

Of course the world it is not perfect. Does that mean we should just "go with the flow" and accept what others do as now being okay?

This site is called Marriage Builders because Dr. Harley hopes to save marriages. And if he can't save the one you're in now, he hopes to save the one you build for the future after you're divorced from the current one.
This is correct. AFTER being the key word. As far as we know, ready4luv is not divorced and hasn't even started legal paperwork.

This forum is for anyone looking for advice or help in regards to any type of relationship (not just marriages).
Yes. And the advice of this site is finish the relationship you are in before you even think about getting involved in anoher one. Don't date (or even develop close opposite sex relationships) until a divorce is final.

I'm not speaking for them, however, I'd bet if you ask any of the Harleys they will tell you not to date until your divorce is final. Not while separated, not when a divorce is filed. Actually, I have heard Dr. Harley say this & Steve said this to me personally.

Again, if you don't want advice, don't ask for it. Take what you want, ignore the rest.
Come hear looking for advice & from me, you will get what I believe is best for you, based on MB principle, common sense & common decency...

When you start your own website, you can dictate what goes on there.
Uh, I'm not dictating anything here. Also, I didn't ask any of you to post simply so I could respond...
As we can see by these posts, people are free to do pretty much (or advocate) whatever they want.

Show me one thing I have ever posted here which goes against MB principles?

For the newcomers, this topic has been debated on this site ad nauseum. So, I concur with Chris, George and LowOrbit. Until you are divorced, you are not free to date.
There are many reasons for this statement, but I prefer to think that many of us need to recover from our situations. Whether that means recover the marriage, or recover from the marriage is up to the individual. Don't give up something good just because you don't want to work at it.
Using the MB principles, many people can have better marriages than they ever imagined.

I say this as one who waited 1 year post divorce to date, and still don't know if I'm ready.

I always thought that what constitutes infidelity is the AGREEMENT that the two spouses have with one another. If the spouses agree to see other people while being married, separated, or separated pending divorce, then their is no infidelity. If one or both of them is not comfortable with the other person dating, then that is another matter.

The most important thing is the feelings between the two people. Everything else is just a matter of interpretation.

It is also a value question. What are your values?
For many Christians, sex outside of marriage is adultery, so any pre-marital or extra-marital relations are adultery, breaking one of the ten commandments.

You are either legally married, or you aren't. There is no in between.
[color:"blue"] Chris, George, [/color] and [color:"blue"] LowOrbit [/color] have been here on this site for YEARS and therefore have seen/heard it all. I think all three know and expound the MB principles very well. However, sometimes it is done in a matter-of-fact way, which may come across as uncaring when nothing could be further from the truth. I agree with them and [color:"blue"] Newly. [/color]


I'm going on four years, myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Sure, but how many Christians do you know who are into a swinging lifestyle?

If you hurt another person, then an injustice has been committed. If you violate some sort of legal arrangement that does not endanger someone's personal feelings, then really, who cares? Lawyers, the court system? So what.

Post deleted by stop_the_drama

The legal system may say you are free to date, but your values and your conscience may tell you otherwise.