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Hey gang,

I've been reading needtotalk's thread about her husband's porn use, and want some advice from those of you who've been helping her, particularly you men who've kicked -- or are working on kicking -- the porn habit.

My story for those of you not farmiliar with it: My H and I have been married 13 years, both work/opposite schedules/weekends off together, two young children. Over the summer, I had an affair. After D-Day, Oct. 31 of this year, my H told me he had been heavily using porn for years. As he put it, it had been an on-and-off again thing throughout our marriage, and had become a nightly thing over the last several years -- an addiction. He says he now knows how destructive it was, and will never use it again, and will get help "if he needs to".

So my question is -- is there any chance he can really give it up forever without help?

On one hand, I believe he's sincere. He has shown evidence of a major paradigm shift. He doesn't even act like the same person -- with me or the kids -- and all of his changes are for the better.

On the other hand, a few things concern me:

1) I had discovered his use of porn 3 or 4 times prior to "the big crisis" (My affair). The first couple of times, there was an angry confrontation followed by a begrudging promise to stop. The last time was different. I was pregnant with our first child and was "in the mood" most of the time. I came downstairs one night to find him -- you know. The next day, I wrote him a letter explaining how it made me feel, especially when I was right upstairs more than willing to provide SF. The tone of the letter was as calm and matter-of-fact as I could make it. He came to me and said he finally understood, and would stop once and for all. But right after our first child was born, I wasn't "in the mood" again for quite awhile, and that's when his really heavy use started. The point being: I believe he was sincere then. I believe he's sincere now. This time, there's more at stake (I was talking "divorce" when we first started marriage counseling, 3 weeks before D-Day). But is that really enough to make him stop cold-turkey without help?

2) He recently told me that, after it got to be a nightly thing (I go to bed early because I go to work at 3:00 am), he sometimes did it "even when he didn't want to". If it was that much of a compulsion, can here really stop without help?

3) He swears he doesn't even have the urge now, and I believe him. On the other hand, after we got over the initial shock and hurt of our revelations -- my affair and his porn use -- it's like we've been getting to know each other all over again. Like we're newlyweds or something. I can't imagine that will last forever, and when it starts to wear off, what happens? What are the chances he'll slip back into his old behaviors and be too ashamed to tell me?

4) How do I talk to him about this? He has been soooo amazing, the way he has reacted to my affair. He asked me some questions on D-day, and a few questions a couple of days later. He was a little suspicious about a package that came in the mail, and about a couple of calls on a recent phone bill (all innocent) but other than that, hasn't brow-beaten me or snooped on me (that I know of) at all. I feel bad suggesting that I don't trust him about the porn when he's been so willing to forgive and move on from the affair.

5) Our marriage counselor suggested a book about sex addictions for him to read. ("Out of the Shadows" I believe). As far as I know, he hasn't gotten it and doesn't intend to.

6) Can I trust that if he does slip-up, he will either tell me or seek help on his own?

I really want to trust this man. If you know my story from my other threads, you know that he has been incredible about everything from the beginning. Some of the other posters who've followed our story from the beginning have refered to him as "a hero in the making". I agree. Again, I believe he's sincere. But is he fooling himself?

Look forward to insight from those of you who've "been there".

--SC

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Been there SC!! Still fighting this battle.

Okay, sounds like your husband is a lot like me. I want SF a lot. Twice a day would suit me fine. And I'm not kidding.

On the otherhand, I havent heard of many women that can or want to keep up that pace.

Do I have a sex addiction? Maybe. I have talked with counselors about it. The thing is...I did go cold turkey from sex with my wife and turned away from porno during much of my wife's affair. And the desire to substitute the porno for my wife has not returned. So I doubt that I am truly "addicted."

You see, I was much like your husband because the first few years, even with having babies, my wife kept up pretty well with what I wanted. Shoot, I'd say half the time, she was the one initiating it. But money problems and other issues began to creep in. Both of us became more tired. And I really didnt want to hurt her or cause problems.

So, the though goes that if I just go and take care of things, she doesnt have to feel pressured. And everyone is happy, right? How wrong I was. There were times she was waiting upstairs and I was downstairs. I had no idea what that was doing to her...or to me. I na weird way, I thought I was doing the right thing. Now dont get me wrong, we were still having a pretty good sex life. But the times between, when I would do that, made her feel inadequate.

Now, where does that leave me...leave us? Not sure. We are still workign that thru. I do know and have expressed to my wife that I dont want someone else, and dont want porno. I dont even want to be without her when any type of SF is going on. But I have also expressed that when we were married, I had a very high sex drive, as did she. And my sex drive has not abated.

So, our problem is how do I get my need met adequately without my wife wanting it that much? It is a huge question.

Now, for someone to come along and say "Well, you just have a sex addiction. You need to get help." I see that as someone saying "you shouldnt want sex so much." And my response is "Huh?!?!" What is the problem with wanting sex from my wife? And if I desire her twice a day, what is wrong with that? Someone might say "Well, that is too much!" Says who? Who makes the rules on what is too much?

Obviously, it is the husband and wife that should make those rules. The issue is that in a marriage like mine (and it appears yours too), the rules changed for my wife...but not for me. I still want SF as much, or more, at age 41 as I did at age 29 when we married.

So, where does a guy turn to when he cant get the need met? Porno? Well, that isnt the right answer. An affair? Nope, not the right answer either. Divorce? That might solve the problem, but still not the right answer. So, short of porno, adultery or divorce...what is that guy supposed to do? Go see someone that can help him want sex less? As if wanting it more makes it somethign wrong with him? Again, another wrong answer.

So, what is the right answer? I dont know...I still havent heard a compelling answer for this question. And while porno is no longer an issue in our marriage, the underlying problem still remains and is still as source of resentment and a barrier to getting even closer together.

If we are to meet each others needs, we have to meet them in a way that they need. If my wife's number one need is financial security, then that need must be met in a way that makes her financially secure, not me. If her number two is affection, then meeting that need would mean being affectionate in a way that meets that need for her.

Same goes for me. If my number one need is SF, that wouldnt it reason that my wife should meet that need somehow in the way I need it met? And if that is true, then does that mean she has to do things when she doesnt feel like it, or do things she doesnt want to do...all to meet my needs?

It is a paradox! Of course, there has to be compromise. But for a guy that would like SF twice a day, then twice a week isnt much of a compromise.

I hope I am making some sort of sense here, because I am still searching for the answer to this question. SC, I believe that your husband desires you more than anything. But, he may have a problem being satiated, especially when you went thru that period of disinterest.

I look forward to everyone's ideas here.

In His arms.


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Sorry, I didn't kick the habit- the wife and I embraced it... Read my post in NNT's thread to maybe get a glipmse into why the compulsion is there to begin with, and why it continues.

I personally don't feel I dishonour my wife by viewing pornography. There's simply times I'm just a horny toad, and I feel like doing "it". It doesn't however stop me from getting crazy with the wife later in the day as well!! In fact, telling her of the experience really turns her on!

In short, if it's replacing the sex with you, it's not a good thing, but I feel it can serve it's purpose in a healthy relationship.


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Hi SmartCookie,

I'm still struggling (as you know by reading Need's thread) with the trust issue. This one sentence jumps out at me:

"As far as I know, he hasn't gotten it (Out of the Shadows) and doesn't intend to."

This is the biggest red flag I've seen in all the work I'm doing trying to recover from the shock of his lies. If he isn't interested in getting outside help to stop an activity that he can't stop even when he doesn't want to do it, then he isn't taking his problem seriously enough. He can't do this on his own. He has to talk to others who've been there, who have learned the tools needed to shortcurcuit his need for pornography. That need is not going to go away on its own - unfortunately.

Visit www.sexaddict.com and www.sexhelp.com. They are run by Douglas Weiss and Patrick Carnes. Patrick Carnes is the pioneer of sexual addiction help. My husband's SAA group uses Carnes' stuff.

I found a great resource in Douglas Weiss's books. I believe Dr. Weiss is a recovering addict. I know he offers phone counselling sessions and intensive workshops.


Good luck.

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I have kicked the porn habit for 2.5 years, along with compulsive masturbation, strip joints, affairs, etc. so it can be done. But, it takes work and accountability. I started with the book Out of the Shadows. Another excellent book is Breaking Free by Russell Willingham.

There is an intense workship in Nashville, Tennessee for a week dealing with sex addiction. You can see their information at www.bethesdaworkshops.org They also have workshops to help the spouses of those struggling with sex addiction.

Oh, and the best part about my kicking away the bad parts, I got to keep my wife of 26 years. She gave me a chance to deal with my problems when I didn't deserve her grace. But then, I didn't deserve the Lord's grace either and He forgave me too.

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To Mortarman:

HOW DARE YOU. How dare you want SF from your wife so much. How dare you put her in an uncomfortable position and expect her to place importance on what is clearly YOUR need. How dare you, sir !!!

Oh wait, I was just playing the devil's advocate.

Women often don't realize that they put men in uncomfortable situations and expect us to sail through with ease, but when they are put in an uncomfortable position: LOOK OUT !!

Is it unfair of a wife to expect her husband to talk about something that he doesn't want to talk about?

Is it unfair of a husband to expect his wife to help him with his sexual desires?

Just a couple of questions.

Relationships can be such a catch-22.

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There are some really good discussions going on right now on the issue of porn in a marriage. I am glad for it.
Many times, in the past, I wanted to start a thread about porn use, but I was afraid of getting the standard responses of: it is normal for men, it is no big deal, men are visual...

My Ex was way into porn. the magazines, the movies on the TV, occasional strip clubs. He didn't look at it on the internet at home, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did at work.

I wish I could describe how it feels, as a woman, to walk into your bedroom and see your H in bed looking at naked women. I felt dumb, fat, and ugly.
(by the way I don't want to hear about how some men and women enjoy it together. I tried that too. it just seemed to increase his use both with me and seperate from me. If I watched a movie with him, it some how made it ok for him to watch it whenever he felt like it)

I have told my story several times lately, so I won't dwell on it, other than to say I feel like porn use is a progresive issue - it starts small and gets bigger.

In my case, as time went by, I felt uglier all the time. I would walk by a mirror and think to myself "I am plain, I am heavy, I just don't look pretty anymore" My WxH and I were still having SF 2 - 3 times a week, and I was still enjoying it, but it wasn't great. I was not feeling loved, or cherished, or respected. His constant request for us to be naked in public, on top of the roof of our house, in the front yard during the day when the neighbors could watch, etc, made me feel inadequate. I wanted to be held. To have him look at me and say "Wow, you are a beautiful woman!" but I was faced with his porn every day.
When he left, he said several things that still hurt me today. One of them was "You never dressed sexy enough for me"
Huh? You left your wife and two boys becuase I never dressed sexy enough for you? (mind you all of my underwear and lingerie is from Victorias Secret, and I do not dress like a prude)
I feared that I would never find a man who was not "into" porn, but decided that I would rather be single forever before I would marry another porn addict.

But I met a man who is not into porn. And I am married to him today. And Our SF is better than I could ever imagine. because I feel loved, and cherished, and respected! I never wlak into ur bedroom and see him with a magizine. He doesn't watch porn movies, instead we are able to watch movies togther, snuggled up on the couch.

I never told my new H about the crappy "you don't dress sexy enough for me" line. But he has commented to me before "I want my wife to dress conservatively. I don't want other men to see how beautiful her body is!" Let me tell you, that a statment like that makes me want to tear his clothes off and have my way with him right then and there! When my husband tells me how beautiful I am, outside of the bedroom, in the middle of the day, when he clearly is not trying to "get anything" from me, it stores up another type of deposit in my love bank. It stores up deposits that make me want to rip his clothes off, and have wild passionate SF with him. When he treats me with respect, when he says "have I told you today that you are the best wife in the world" it stores up love deposits in my SF bank, until it overflows. certainly we are still in the honeymoon stage of our M - but it has almost been a year now, and we still have SF almost every single day - and yes sometimes twice a day. when he compliments me like this, outside of the bedroom, during the middle of the day, it is an awesome thing.
I know this may sound confusing to many men - but when you compliment a woman, in the dark, in bed, it just doesn't feel sincere. It feels like a comment that is made in the hopes of getting lucky.

In my first marriage, when I would see my husband looking at porn it would deduct a lot of points from my love bank. I can remember many times, feeling a little sexy, looking for my H to kiss him on the neck, only to find him looking at a magazine, or surfing the Cinemax channels for an X rated film. Instantly, I would lose all desire for SF with him. Instantly. He will never know how many times he could have had the real thing, but he chose the movies instead.

I know that men will say "we aren't comparing you to the magazines" but it feels that way, anyway. Also, I think that the time he spent watching X rated movies was time he could have spent with me. Watching something we both could enjoy. Or talking, or taking a walk, finding someway just to hang out and spend time together. Instead, he turned on cinemax, knowing that I would leave the room to read a book, alone. that doesn't feel loving. and it doesn't make deposits in the SF Love bank. heck, I love to watch sports. we could have spent the time watching football, baseball, basketball, you name it. I was not looking to watch "chick flicks" even. I just wanted a shared activity.


one last thing, that works for me. when my new H and I are in church, and he is totally into worshiping God, he is the sexiest man I know. When he is paying attention to the sermon, singing the worship songs, laughing at the pastors dumb jokes, and actively participating, he is sexy to me. When we go to Bible study, and he gets involved in a discussion, he is sexy to me. I guess it is because he is actively sharing in something that is very important to me. It is an activity we share together, and when he gets invloved, without complaining or acting like he would rather not be there, it makes me feel good. It makes me happy to be with him. and in return I want to do anything I can to make him feel good, to make him feel like he is happy to be with me. Get my point?


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D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

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Miss cookie,

You know I admire ya - from your other post.

My question to you is you are trying to help your husband so much and that is fantastic as I think it's essential to your maritial recovery for your husband to get this under control.

BUT (I am the party pooper I know)

I am worried that you may be using this to escape having to look at yourself (if I am wrong sorry - boards are so limited to insight you have into someones life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

I just want to make sure that even though you are guys are a team and you are helping him, that you let him work with a councellor and work on it and that you keep focusing on YOU - because you ahve some big problems to solve too - they why's of why you had an affair, the ability to protect yourelf again in the future - caue what if 5 years down the road your H has a slip...are you going to cheat again? You can say never again right now easily - but what will you have done to really make changes to prevent that...how deep have you looked into your soul.

I read that your H is seeing a councellor and admits his problem and wants to change - now support him, but leave it with him.

Keep YOUR focus on you...keep diggin in YOU and fix in you what YOU need to change as well K?


Dorry (aka Deeplysorry)
me FWW - EA/PA fall of 2004
FWH EA/PA late spring 2005
Got our acts together July 2005 and started recovery.

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SC,

Perhaps I can offer a slightly different look at the porn issue. Let's go back to Harley's definition of emotional needs and what do we find? We find that sexual satisfaction is an emotional need.

SC, there are two components of sex, the physical and the emotional, which one does porn fill? I would say neither. I would say Porn is a way of escaping from reality for men. It is a fantasy but it can have real consequences. I think that they are distance both physical and emotional.

I am sure some are truely addicted, just as one can be addicted to exercise and ignore ones family in search for the endorphin high. But, what I am driving at here is that you need to look at this differently in my view.

Your H has chosen porn in the past to escape. I think it represents a lack of emotional connection with you and perhaps a need to escape from the pressures of his life. I would strongly recommend that you talk about this, but from the standpoint that YOU want to provide for this "emotional" need. Yes, this means the physcial aspect of SF, but if you recognize that he needs the emotional part you will begin to see this much more deeply.

As an example perhaps I should point out what a climax does for men. Obviously it feels good, but it does something very subtle. One of the reasons men rarely die of a heart attack while having sex although the heart rate does often skyrocket is that once climax occurs, a hormone is released to slow the heart down. This hormone is a sedative, which is why men often fall asleep at night afterwards, especially at night if they are tired. Now it turns out that this hormone is released no matter how this climax is reached, thus a male that is tense or has trouble sleeping can "self medicate" themselves this way.

Just a sleeping pills can become addictive or indespensible for someone to go to sleep so can this. That is why I mentioned stress in his life.

What I am driving at is that his porn use may represent more than you realize and yet something you two can address with talking, some changes in how you two interact, and openness on his part about what he is feeling both sexually and emotionally. I suspect that he has chosen to "protect" himself via the porn and I think that if he comes to believe that YOU can protect him, his need for it will diminish while his need for you will increase.

So be very careful about complaining about this because I believe that if there is to be a solution YOU have to be willing to step up and do what you have never done, protect him emotionally as well as provide the physical interaction. You see I think he has known for a long time that YOU did not care and he has taken matters into his "own hands" so to speak.

I realize you say that he had this habit before he married you, but you see unless he was out chasing women all of the time, this is actually pretty normal rather than sleeping with whoever or whatever. What should have changed is how you superceeded this need and... it is an emotional need.

Being a guy I can tell you that for most men, they are fantasizing not so much about the physical appearance of the women you see but their attitude toward sex and toward them. It is a fantasy that can be replaced in my opinion.

I am NOT blaming you, what I am saying is that you CAN be part of the solution. It is claimed that we often don't break addictions but replace them with another one. I would like to suggest that he can and may well replace this addiction with being addicted to you. Can you handle that?

Think about it.

Hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

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Hummmmm......

I think JL is on to something here. My coach keeps telling me it's an intimacy problem with my husband.

It is hard to admit, but I don't think my husband has felt protected by me. I did the best I could, but unfortunately, until he can feel it himself, nothing I do will help. And I've got to learn that just 'cuz he can't accept it doesn't mean I get to run wild.....

This is where I think Dorry is right too. He has to work on himself. For far too long my H expected me to fix him, and when I can't even fix myself, we just spiral down together.

Can you handle your H being addicted to you? I'm not sure that I could handle mine being addicted to me - at least not yet. But I'm working on me, so maybe I'll be able to face my intimacy fears too.

Figure out what you expect from your husband in his journey away from porn. POJA with him about that. Then let him go at it. Work on yourself.

LOL. I'm preaching to the choir. I got to learn me that same song!

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Dorry, JL, Solost,

Thanks for cutting through the BS and getting to the heart of the matter. Once again -- you all have hit the bull's eye!!! In my particular case, this really isn't about differences in men's and women's sex drives or whether or not it's okay for men to watch porn. And it certainly isn't about whether my H and I want to start watching it together! GOOD GRIEF!

It's about the fact that I was not meeting my husband's emotional needs, so he turned to porn (and sports, and drinking, and gambling) to numb himself. As a result, he became so wrapped up in that stuff that it bacame a vicious cycle -- more of that stuff, less of us, more of that stuff, less of us. I contributed to it by shutting him out. Got it.

Yes Dorry, you're right. I need to keep focusing on myself -- both how I contributed to the deterioration of my marriage and why I had an affair (which are intertwined). I have just begun, with the help of or MC, to dig into my own insecurities and destructive habits that make me so quick to shut out people who hurt me and so needy of attention and admiration, especially from men (the superficial kind of a&a, of course, not the scarey intimate kind) Workin' on it.

The only reason I started this thread was to ask the question: Is it possible for someone who had become so compulsive about his porn use that he sometimes did it "even when he didn't want to" to totally give it up without some specialized counseling?

Our MC has suggested that the best way to affair-proof and porn-proof our marriage in the future is for us to build a truely intimate relationship with each other -- sounds to me like the same thing you said in much greater detail in your post, JL. So, I think I have my answer: My husband's porn use was not so much an addiction, as a way to cope. A destructive way to cope. Replace it with a constructive way to cope, and it can be overcome.

I am more fortunate than many of the women now struggling with this issue around here. I know my husband has stopped and wants to make it permanent. He has already demonstrated that he's willing and able to make personal changes for the better. I now have to trust that he will work on any underlying issues that made him want to "take the easy way out". My role will be to protect him and provide for him. Love as a verb. Work on me. Wow -- you wouldn't beleive how good I feel right now. Not that I think it will be easy (just simple, right JL and MM?) But it feels good to GET IT!
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MY HEARTFELT THANKS

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It's about the fact that I was not meeting my husband's emotional needs, so he turned to porn (and sports, and drinking, and gambling) to numb himself. As a result, he became so wrapped up in that stuff that it bacame a vicious cycle -- more of that stuff, less of us, more of that stuff, less of us. I contributed to it by shutting him out.

I would like to add some caution to your thoughts. I am a recovering sex addict working with recoving sex addicts and the vicious cycle is correct, addiction is a cycle. And addiction applies to sex, porn, drinking, gambling, food, shopping, etc.... anything that is out of control, done to mask emotions and typically hidden from others.

The caution I want to throw in is that there is usually more of a problem than just meeting ENs. As one person said about, sex addiction is an intimacy problem. It may even be that the person is not able to express their emotional needs due to the intimacy problem and therefore ends up back in the addictive cycle.

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Thanks AM,

I will keep your insight in mind. Right now, my husband and I are in MC, but not IC. Our counselor seems to be skilled at handling all of the issues that have come up so far. We just started talking about the porn during our last session two weeks ago. I'm sure we'll be working on the underlying issues as we move forward. (next session is tomorrow)

My husband and I have said from the beginning that we don't just want to "salvage" our marraige. We are on a quest for true intimacy. Neither of us seems to have an internal road map for that in place yet. But we seem to have some good guides -- our MC and the people here.

Thanks.


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Wow -- you wouldn't beleive how good I feel right now. Not that I think it will be easy (just simple, right JL and MM?) But it feels good to GET IT!

Simple.

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Well... here we go again....

Things have been going pretty well. Not perfect. But pretty well.

We've both been working hard to meet each other's EN's.

Two weeks ago, I fessed up about some credit card debt my H didn't know about and he helped me put together and impliment a plan to consolidate the debt and get it paid off. Good for me for being honest about something embarassing, and that I knew he might be angry about. And good for him for not freaking out on me.

Last weekend, our daughter turned six and we held a little birthday party for her at our home. H helped out enthusiastically -- videotaping stuff, serving up pizza, etc. I was so delighted with his participation (he would have done it in the past, but sort of begrudgingly) that I spontaneously grabbed him and planted one on him and thanked him. He liked that alot -- I could tell.

I've been in IC for about a month now... and although it's hard... I've been tackling my issues head-on. H says that he's proud of me for being so brave.

We've been having better sex than... I can ever remember, actually. And more of it. In fact, if you'll excuse the detail here, 3X over the weekend. Saturday morning, Saturday night, and Sunday morning. Then, Sunday night (last night) I awoke out of a dead sleep around 11:00 with a gut feeling that I should go downstairs. Sure enough... there he was... watching porn on the internet.

I stood there for what seemed like a long time, trying to decide what to say/how to handle it. Finally I made my presence known and just said, calmly, "You need to get help. You said you would get help if you couldn't stop on your own. You need to get help."

I felt sorry for him. He was obviously humiliated.

He said that he was sorry... that it was stupid... that he didn't need it... that he knew he had disrespected me... that he was ashamed... that the whole idea was to be honest with each other and he had lied to me.

He said he had gone "a long time" without it and had just done it a little bit over the last month or so. So, if he's telling the truth about that, "a long time" means 6-8 weeks without it.

I asked him "why" and he said, "Well, things had been going better between us lately..." which I don't get at all. What's that supposed to mean? That I can trust him as long as there's a danger that I'll leave him, but when things are going well, he'll let himself slip back into his old habits? That's exactly what I've been telling him is my biggest fear.

He didn't seem to want to finish the sentence... so I ventured, "...So, you figured you could safely dabble in it again?" And he said, "Yeah, something like that." To which I said, "Well, I think we've seen how easily it can get out of hand, so I don't think that was a very good choice on your part." I also told him I think he needed to dig a little deeper to figure out why.

He called me at work this morning and told me again how sorry he was "on many different levels" and said he wanted to talk more tonight. Also thanked me for the way I'm handling it. I told him that was fine, and that we'd figure it out.

Thing is... I don't even feel angry or hurt. I haven't cried about it at all -- and I'm a big-time crier. But I don't think my lack of emotion here is necessarily a good thing. It's almost like I don't care. The ol' wall is back up. I guess I sort of expected it, but still.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where we go from here. I mean, I think this is evidence that it really is an addiction. I would say our intimacy and SF levels are at or near an all-time high in our marriage... so the stuff MM wrote about needing more sex, and the stuff JL wrote about needing more of an emotional connection and using the porn as an escape may have been applicable in the past. But things are different now. I just don't know what to think or do.


Anyone have any insight?

--SC


"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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Post deleted by kyellow4


The queen, for her part, is the unifying force of the community; if she is removed from the hive, the workers very quickly sense her absence. After a few hours, or even less, they show unmistakable signs of queenlessness. - Man and Insects
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Smartestcookie,

You two our working on changing a habit your husband has practiced since he 13 or 14 years old. Old habits are difficult to break.

A couple things stand out above which give me great hope for your husband tackling this problem:

1. He is slowly opening up and including you in discussions about this formerly secretive part of himself (intimacy)

2. He has obviously changed his perspective on porn use...he sees the harm and wants to change.

3. You have changed your perspective as well...your husband's problem no longer results in anger and hurt but concern for how WE can fix this problem in OUR marriage.

Looks very promising to me.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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bump ^

{{{SC}}} i read this shortly after you posted but just did not know what to say. life can be so difficult!!!

do you think it is possible that you lack of feelings is partially because you now understand deep down that his actions do NOT reflect on you?? did you feel that way in the past?

i also think you handled it very well. staying calm is always good!!

but don't close down on him. try to keep that wall down.

Last edited by FinallyLearning-T2M; 02/13/06 12:27 PM.
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(((((SC))))))
What just happened to you is exaclty what I'm afraid my H will do. The difference is that he doesn't seem sorry, so I'm having a terrible time trying to let go. i fear that he will simply do things to pacify the sit. and go on doing whatever he wants.

You handled it very well. pat on the back.

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