Well, it seems my sister broke the deal and told my mom her side of the story about her son and n my daughter. They are all blaming my daughter. Yeah, like she could make her older and larger cousin touch her. Like I am the reason it was reported to the police and like I am the reason the DA filed charges and the reason he pled guilty to one of the five charges.

So, my mom has gone to my sister's for Christmas eve. Left in the early afternoon or late morning. No time for me to see mom today. And she doesn't know when she will be home. Don't plan on calling her for a few days. Sister didn't invite us. I think mom bought every word my sister said. She's never asked me what happened just told me my daughter asked for everything she got.

At this point, I think I've encountered the next closest thing to being disowned. And right at Christmas time. I have NOONE with whom to spend the bulk of Christmas day. I am so heartbroken. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />


But, I am spending tonight with my children who are healthier and happier than they have been. And we have no plans to see anyone else.

I haven't had a Christmas this painful in years.

But, the other part of me is very happy. Happy that I get to spend this wonderful evening with people who do love me. And who want to be with me. Because not even my mother wants to be with me this holiday.

So, I am so full of conflicted feelings....enough...I need to go and just be with my wonderful children and feel their love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am so sorry about your Mom. Hard to believe she could say that about a grand daughter, of course, she would have to be torn, grandchild against grandchild. It is too bad that she was told......

Hope your Christmas Eve with your children was wonderful...and that Christmas Day will not be too blue....

I was in TN, last sunday and came back on wednesday....as usually think of you when I am flying down I-65, I have been trying to get back to Tn every 3 to 4 mths, as my parents are 83 & 82 and I'm the only child....I can't move back, evil xh and they won't move to TX, even with all their friends drooping like flys, they still have a more active social life than me....

i'm waiting for ys to wake up and then going to get os at his dad's, he left keys here last night and latter they will have christmas with their dad...this is the 1st yr, that I have not had their dad here for christmas morning...but things change...and if both of us were too finally move on, it was time.........

merry christmas and here is hoping 2006 will be the most wonderful year yet......

I think of you often. Funny how we shared that mailbox in college, moving in our different circles, and we both ended up here.

Well, I will continue to love her but I may need to distance myself from my mom for a while. Let her sort of get over it.

Will try to get Christmas presents to her when she is not in and will leave gifts for her and for sister's family and let them deal with it. I don't think I'll even pick ours up. Let her deal with it.

She doesn't know how it hurt my children to be rejected like this. However, we talked about it and have decided that we don't find all our value in our estimations of their value of us. Did you follow that. We love each other and, for now, that will have to be enough.

Cinderella, maybe I'm a dreamer, but I think that all we need is love. And that to love each other IS enough.


It's difficult for me to comprehend all of that... If my son would ever (do not give us God!!) do anything wrong, I'll be the first to judge him!

You mom's words made me so sad... As you know, you have to protect your children first, from your own mother words too. I hope she will realize very soon how unfair for your girl she (and all of this) was... I hope your sister will do the same...

My mom is 80 years old. She is a retired medical social worker who worked at a public hospital. She knows this is not an isolated thing. She was sexually abused by several of her older male relatives. And she blames this on my daughter? I don't get it.

I sort of feel like she has chosen sides.

And I am the one in the cold.

My dad was an unloved, unwanted child and there were lots of issues in his family. His older brother had no children. My dad had two. His younger brother had three. The older brother preferred the children of the younger brother. The younger brother preferred my sister over me. I was the least preferred, if you want to put it that way, of the nieces and nephews. Sort of felt like I was cast aside by that family. And I was definitely not the child with whom my father got along best.

So, I really feel hurt over this.

I feel totally rejected all around.

Coming from my getting senile mom this hurts so much.

I don't know if I should just stick out my chin and go on as if she hadn't hurt me so badly. Or, if I should totally withdraw and see how long it takes anyone to reach out an olive branch.

It would be horrible to feel this stuff any time of year - but for it to happen now makes it worse.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Dearie Cinderella,

I know how hurtful family issues can be from the daughter/Granddaughter stand point. My family is pretty jacked up too. My Grandma will not talk to my mom or other aunt, but is clinging to one of my aunts--so G-ma and Aunt against my mom and Aunt, and guess what? THEY'RE ALL WRONG!

I do have to say, take the mature route in this situation. Stick your chin out, send Christmas presents, and love, love, love, but stick by your daughter, your children, but do it all in love. Be above this family feud--you have to practice brain programming for this, but it IS possible! You may need to vent, but do your best to do positive venting--for all the negative you say, bring up twice as much positive--this is positive brain programming. Do whatever it takes to smile and feel the joy inside, even if it means going for a walk and every step you take, you HAVE to say SOMETHING positive! This has been absolutely amazing for me, especially since I walk to school and work every day and then back home again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, lugging the heavy book bag and all.

This Grandma has smeared my mother, done horrible things to my Grandfather, and if I really wanted to I could get viciously angry at her for all she has done to create a ****** on earth for her children, continuing the hate, but I have to say nope! I'm not telling my own mom I'm going to see her this weekend, and I won't tell my lovely aunt I'll be in her city, because it will hurt them too much, but I choose to love. So that whole family refused to come to my wedding. So Grandma "predicted" me getting a divorce, even though she didn't know my hubby and I (he is dubbed "Flard" whenever I write about him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) which makes it embarassing for me to hold my head up straight around her, but geez, its her 70th, my brother and I have chosen to not get involved in those issues, and we have banded together with my cousins who have also chosen to take the stance we have to a smaller extent. We are going to party for New Year's with a 70-year-old woman who must be miserable and sad deep down somewhere. If she tries to bring up negative stuff, we tell her we want nothing to do with that in a mature firm voice, and have a topic handy to switch to. By setting the example, us grandkids have already made quite a slash in the hate!!! It is at least stopping with us!!! The hate, bitterness, accusations, lies.

HOld your head up. You are doing your best, no one can expect more than that. Good to see you on thndrs site! Cheers!

Cinderella~~

Your situation really is painful. I don't understand your mother's thinking.
I'm wondering since you say she was also abused, if the victim feels responsible to an extent. So, she would then blame your D??? Sick and twisted, but perhaps that's the way they think?
What ever the case, she is wrong, and you are right to stand by your daughter.

I'm so sorry your sister brought this to light at Christmas.
It seems she is looking for support, but she has went about it completely the wrong way.

I wish you a better 2006.
Karona

Well, one good thing about this is that it does hurt less than the divorce.

And this time I know I'm not at fault.

The only solution I really see is to maintain some contact w/ my sister in a no-contact way. An occaisional email that is about nothing (maybe a good joke) and leave her a phone message every few weeks. And deliver those Christmas presents which I bought while trying to have happy thoughts about the recipients.

I think the thing that hurts me the most is my mother's accusation that my 12 year old daughter asked for this. I guess I'll just chalk that up to her lack of counseling through the years.

You know, my mom didn't say anything when I told her my choices were to cooperate with the investigation or to risk going to jail for hindering a police investigation.

Remember that Denial is a safe place for those unwilling or unready to deal with reality.
Honestly, would you want to believe this of your own grandchild? I can't imaginn what my XIL's think of their child, but I'm sure he's golden to them. And in these scenarios, someone has to be thee "bad guy".

Stand strong and do what is best for your kids.
To a happy new year for you and your family.

Newly, thanks for the encouragement. I am trying to talk to my mother at least once a day. I haven't been to see her this week because I've had a sinus infection and didn't think I needed to share that.

Today she said she was planning on taking her Christmas decorations down and I asked her not to - that children (who won't be home till Sunday) and I wanted to come see her and do some Christmas with her even if it was late. So, she agreed.

I will talk to my daughter and see if she is ok going over to BB's apartment. If she can do this for her grandmother who may not remember ever saying some of those horrible things to me.

I love your line:
Denial is a safe place for those unwilling or unready to deal with reality.

Isn't that the truth? I think you should add it to your signature.

Newly is right ...she is in horrid denial.

And it's sad. She is a survivor and a medical social worker. She knows. She cannot feign ignorance.

I think it is simply easier to blame your dd rather than feeling rage...and disgust...at her other grandchild.

It is EASIER TO FORGET A SUPPOSED LIE THAN FORGETTING HER GRANDSON COMMITTED MOLESTATION.

(((Cindy)))).

So sorry you two went thru this.

Love, prayers and smiles your way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just start laughing and bring a giant sloshy bowl of steaming soup over to the opreyland hotel and dump it on an "unsuspecting" sleazily dressed partygoer...who is there dancing with a man eerily looking like a scary dna combination of charlie sheen and alec baldwin but spikier hair and a strange butt problem that arises when hip hop music is played. Just swagger over to her, bowl in hand, and say "this is a tradition in my homeland to secure a happy marriage. New year soup!" and dump it on the ow!

You gals are the greatest....I think I can sort of normalize the relationship with my mom but I will not let her speak to me that way again. It was grossly abusive. And she is in denial. But she will be 81 in less than a month so I guess ...oh, I don't know...

Peach, it's a good idea but I am not driving across town to Opryland to hunt for some jerk and his sleazolah wife. And I don't think I should waste a perfectly good bowl of soup on them. Besides there might be lots of those people there. Wanta caome and show me the ones?

(((((Cinderella)))))



Devil's advocate in me says try to forge through this one because she is "getting senile" ok? Doesn't mean she didn't hurt your feelings though, oh how I know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />



Her silence speaks volume and she knows you did the right thing, she does.

Hopefully your sis will come to grips with what her son did and quit laying blame on everyone EXCEPT the person responsible so they can start in some direction of healing. Remember that ol' restentment saying that floated around here at MB's from time to time?

You did great handling this with your kids and I'm glad you asked your mother to wait on taking down the decorations.

My "only child brain" can't wrap itself around how "some" sibblings can try to do one another in no matter what physical age they have reached! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Happy New Year to you girl! May 2006 bring a big bundle of compassion, healing and love into all of your lives!

You all have been so great and so supportive.

I remain open to being my sister's friend. I still love her. I am not angry with her. I just think she is SO in denial.

As for my mom....she lashed out in her pain.

No one in my family - the only two adults with whom I have had any contact since nephew was charged are my mom and my bil - has told me they would have done differently when confronted with the terrible choice of cooperate w/ the police or risk going to jail. Frankly, that was not a pleasant choice.

And my bil shut up when I asked him what he would have done if it had been his daughter who is less than 1 year younger than my daughter.

I had a tough year. I do plan on next year being easier. If it isn't, I'll demand a refund.

Had an interesting IM conversation w/ the Diplomat. This is how it went:

him: are you expecting too much from them too soon? ... just a thought

me: probably ... but, on the other hand, ....I don't know.....Yes. from their standpoint I am. I've had months but I have not really let this affect my relationship w/ camilla until lately - when she cut of contact.
me: however, I know about therapy and what you can and can't control/do anything about, etc. I started from healthier place

him: yes, i understand. . . but regardless of where you are, looking at them, should the expectation be somewhat longer to get over? and will that be triggered by a future event? maybe when colton's record is sealed, and he is past his legal requirements, then possibly, they will be open to reconciliation?

me: good point. good point. I will ponder this. Yes, I will ponder this. I think I will just box the gifts up and take them to my mom. I will probably ask her to store them. And the next time my mom brings up the fact that she thought there was something going on and she didn't want the children at her house at the same time, I will probably tell her that sitting on possible information like that is not healthy - and I may even tell her that a lot of this could have been avoided had she told me up front that she was not comfortable having them both at her house at the same time. Instead, she kept secrets and doing so seldom has good results. No one - not my child and not my mother - gave me the information I needed to keep my child safe. And, if she wants to feel guilty, she can because she could, technically be considered liable but I don't want to point that out to the police.

him: whew, I am very glad you typed that out. . . I thought of that as soon as you said that your mother knew. . . I was on a jury where the defendant was guilty of something similar, and the mother allowed it. . . the jury was not happy about that. . .

me: I can tell her the next time and if she doesn't like it, she can just go to her grave feeling guilty. Not that I want that. But she knows about abuse and neglect laws. She should know, if she would admit it, that she could be criminally liable.

him: as far as yur mom goes, there was some information available, but not enough or presented in such a way as to raise suspicion. . . so there may have been warning signs, but not to the untrained eye. . . or those busy with everyday life. . . I doubt that your mom knew what was going on, unless she caught them first hand

me: are you forgetting my mother was a medical social worker - with about 25 years in medical area and 10 years before that - who sat on child abuse panels

him: If she did, then she would be really worth ex-communication from the life of JE. Yes, but sitting on panels in discussions is different than looking for it in your own family. Treating is not the same as investigating for evidence, before the admission

me: you are totally right about being able to present professional opinions being different from seeing it in your own family.

him: I just don't want you to be too hard on your mom, unless she caught them together in a compromising position, because if it was done with both families together in the same house, for a holiday, then its just as easy to miss. . .

me: I could probably push her over the edge by telling her that knowing or suspecting and then not telling me so that I could keep my child safe makes her as good as a perpetrator.

him: no, don't puch her over the edge, that will just alienate the one link to camilla and the rest of your family. . .

me: she did not catch them doing anything but says they were very secretive and would try to sneak away from her.

him: yea, typical teenage stuff. . . which is not enough to commit your mom to purgatory

me: And, sort of, why do I care about this FOO. Obviously, no one has bothered to let me in on secrets that could destroy my life. I've never been the preferred child by anyone but my mother - up to this point. And now I for sure not her preferred child

me: Yes, it may be typical but my daughter finally had to tell him, when he wanted to do it again, NO and he said SHE OWED HIM!!!!

him: I understand Gillian's point of view, i was discussing your mom's point of view.

me: That is coersion . That was not cool. And my mom thought stuff was going on but didn't tell me. Especially after she didn't tell my my x had been hitting on my sister in the early days of our marriage.

him: ok, its an emotional topic. . . for sure. . . i am not trying to take sides, just trying to see other points of view without all the information, and without doing alot of relationship damage

me: We aren't even talking about the time I was asked to go to a convention and help bil out, because he had shattered his wrist and had pins in it and a cast on it and couldn't do a lot of things that would need to be done. And he walked in my room one day and told me it was time for me to put out and have sex w/ him. ok, why do I really care.

[color:"blue"] So, does anyone want to trade their family of origin for mine? [/color]

No, we each have our own dysfunctional FOO.
Over Christmas, my mother apparently told my 6 YO "don't believe anything your father says, only believe your mother"
Now, my 6 YO is mature and knew this didn't sound right and knew enough to tell me this, and not to operate on what my mother said. I told her not to listen to grandma in this case.
The dysfunction continues.

Ok, I have figured something out - I AM MAD!!

I am mad that I did not have the knowledge/vision to know what was going on... to protect my child.

I am mad that I am being treated this way.

JE, Hugs, prayers and thoughts going way.....

You have the right to be mad, it was your child.....

yet your mom is 81, and losing it.....do you really want a rift with her this late in her life....

just more thoughts, hugs and prayers from your former mail box partner....it's hard to believe it has been soooo long ago.....

okay someone clue me in...what is FOO

family of origin
----------------------------------
One uncle preferred my cousins over my sister and me. The other uncle preferred my sister over me. My father got along better w/ my sister. My mother got along better w/ me. Now, all the family I have left - my mother and my sister - think I am evil incarnate.

And no one in the family gives a rat's patooty what I have dealt with.

Part of me doesn't care if I ever see them again. Part of me is so terribly sad to be so rejected. I am so conflicted.