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shetats Offline OP
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I took time off at the most inappropriate time so that I could come back for my sister's wedding so no chance of more.

No she hasn't broken up with the BF, and she's in very regular contact with him. He says she is extremely naive and she's telling him everything (he has read all her email and there was nothing that she had received from my H that she didn't tell him about - including the poetry he sent her). He thinks she believes that it can be all honest and open.

To tell the truth, the BF is so far out of my H's league it's not funny. He's young, exremely handsome, is studying to be a surgeon, already has a prestigious medical paper published and has just purchased a plane with his dad. My H can not compete. But then that would be likely to just encourage my H to try for the challenge.

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Well, that much sounds like good news, anyway.

If you're going to be up for a few more hours, you might want to explore some of the material on this site -- the Harley letters, for example, answering questions. As well as the general material on how affairs begin, etc.


"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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bump


"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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Please don't send this letter. It's long, it's complicated, it's making demands and disrespectful judgments. Keep in mind that a hormone-clogged WS has a short attention span. He's not about to create a written apology for an affair he's denying.


I have to agree with A.M.Martin. I don't think this letter is going to help you. Again, what I posted to do - dig for info on the A - which you have been doing to confirm the A (in which you know poems, etc. at least mean an EA).

Next, you can confront him with your info & tell him how he is hurting you. Tell him you want to work on your marriage & make it better. Tell him you can't work on your marriage with OW involved so he must cut off all contact with her and write a NC letter that you approve. Make sure your tone is loving & nice and truly concerned for saving your M.

If he refuses to meet this (which is likely if he's deep in the fog - maybe study up on fog talk so you are ready), you will have to EXPOSE this A to everyone (his job, his family, your family, your friends, his friends, OW family, OW job). This is your most effective weapon to end the A.

That's where I think you should start. NO letter to him at this point.


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But do NOT warn him about exposure or he'll beat you to the punch & tell everyone he's left you & your crazy & your not letting go, etc. He'll make you look bad.

Also, be ready to for him to be really mad when you expose & make all types of threats. It's going to happen, but he'll get over that & you have the chance to save your M.


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shetats, I would not give him that letter if you want to save your marriage. It is chock full of lovebusters and demands, which will not help you now.

You are under the illusion that you have some bargaining leverage here, and I don't think you do. Your career move has caused such an enormous RIP in your marriage, that he is completely detached. You have no leverage with a detached person. See what I mean?

It comes down to this very simple truth. Your career has taken precedence over your marriage. You need to decide if you want to continue to sacrifice your marriage for your career, because you are not going to save your marriage if you stay seperated. That is what has led to this, and unless it is resolved, then there is nothing we can do to help you. That is how I see it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know that if I am forced to leave something I am loving to hand-hold him into our relationship that I will resent him for it.

And it sounds like he resents being left alone. He didn't sign up for a long distance marriage. You signed up to be a married partner, though, and are not living up to your committment. I am not saying he is justified in having an affair, but neither are you justified in abandoning your committment to be a wife.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It comes down to this very simple truth. Your career has taken precedence over your marriage. You need to decide if you want to continue to sacrifice your marriage for your career, because you are not going to save your marriage if you stay seperated. That is what has led to this, and unless it is resolved, then there is nothing we can do to help you. That is how I see it.

I'm not sure I agree. I have uncovered about 12 months of proof that the A was happening before the move was even a thought. All that time and for many years prior we have discussed together his dreams of us making this move. My career move is NOT the cause of this.

Causes are more to do with recreational EN - I'm not interested in rock climbing at all, I'm petrified of heights and I have tried to be interested, but I freeze up and get so scared. I have tried to introduce other activities and while he initially takes an interest, he quickly decides they're not for him - so I have been trying to meet these needs as I have recognised them for a very long time.

However, last year I was being bullied at work. I needed his support more than ever. He hates needy people, he OW would have looked like fun. So while I grappled with depression and suicidal thoughts, he found something more fun to play with. He got me through talking about our plans to move, then the opportunity arrived, he seemed so excited for us. (or was it for his pending freedom?)

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shetats, and maybe the affair was begun before you left. Moving away for your career did not help. Seperations are the kiss of death. We can discuss how it started all day long, but the fact remains the same, it isn't getting resolved as long as you are seperated.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And it sounds like he resents being left alone. He didn't sign up for a long distance marriage. You signed up to be a married partner, though, and are not living up to your committment. I am not saying he is justified in having an affair, but neither are you justified in abandoning your committment to be a wife.

Hey, here I am - why don;t you kick this part, it'll hurt that much more so I'm sure it'll be more satisfying.

How do you explain the fact that the affair was a year old before I left???? How do you explain the fact that he talked about his dreams of moving there and was applying for jobs there in the months leading up to my going and yet the minute I'm on a plane he starts telling family and friends that he's not going? How do you explain the fact that this holiday he's on has been planned for months, supposedly with another person who has told me now that he always thought it would be two weeks, not 6? How do you explain the fact that just before I left I asked him to cut this holiday short a week to spend time with me and he claimed that the other person couldn't do that?

I did not sign up for a long distance marriage. The plan was that he would have most of our stuff sold by now and would be winding up work to come over, not applying for jobs where he is now. He has abandoned me in a totally strange country where I know no-one, where I have no support network.

My move may have been a catalyst in the openess of his deceptive behaviour, but I cannot see it as a CAUSE. Causes generally occur BEFORE an event, not after it.


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ok, let's say it didn't CAUSE it. Can we agree that the seperation has only contributed to the problem and will prevent any possibility of resolution?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Want2BStrong's idea of a confrontation, done in good Plan A style, seems like a start. Why don't you begin there?

But, I have to agree with Mel, I don't think this can be wrapped up in a couple days to fit a preexisting timeframe.

Pending other suggestions, why don't you start with confronting him with what you know, and see what you learn from that?


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shetats Offline OP
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Thank you AM

Melody - yes, the separation is not helping at the moment. I signed a contract based on the promises that he would be moving to join me in May. If those promises had not been made I would not have moved in the first place. Now I'm in a contract filled with huge penalties if I go back on it - all discussed before I signed, with H telling me to sign as he'd be over there before I knew it. Three months later I find he's been having an A for over a year, I feel I have a right to feel abandoned.

He's home in 2.5 hours. I feel worse than ever, maybe it was a bad idea coming here.

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I wish I had some advice that could help you deal with your situation. I really don't know what to tell you. I do, however, agree with you were tricked into taking the job, when your H likely had no plans to follow you.

I'm an expat and I know that the usual way that couples move is to send one partner ahead to find a place to live and get established, while the other spouse stays behind and sells the house and gets things ready from that end. If the roles were reversed where your H had gone ahead to the new country to get set up and you'd stayed behind to sell and pack up and you were the wayward spouse, I don't think he'd be hearing this flack. You are not to blame for any of this. Obviously, you two had planned for years to move, as we had. You kept your part of the bargain and took the chance when you got it and he's showing his true colors.

I'm so sorry and I wish things had worked out like you had dreamed. I don't know if you can get through to your H, but making ultimatums is likely not going to get you anywhere. Hopefully, you can rekindle his enthusiasm for the move and point out that you can start a new life, where his baby of an OW will get bored with him and move on, leaving him looking like a fool.

How old are your kids? Can you appeal to him to keep the family together and not be separated by being halfway across the world from each other?

I'm sorry you haven't gotten the support you came here for. I hope others come forward who can give you some decent advice and help. Please let us know how it goes. I'll be hoping for the best for you.

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shetats,

I agree with GrownUp. You are not to blame for his A. He likely did trick you into going so he could continue it without worry.

Please give an update & hopefully, you can get some good advice. This is a pro-marriage support group, sometimes people just say what is on their mind without realizing how it may affect the person on the other end. Everyone here wants to help as much as possible.

Please post when you get a chance.


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Thank you AM

Melody - yes, the separation is not helping at the moment. I signed a contract based on the promises that he would be moving to join me in May. If those promises had not been made I would not have moved in the first place. Now I'm in a contract filled with huge penalties if I go back on it - all discussed before I signed, with H telling me to sign as he'd be over there before I knew it. Three months later I find he's been having an A for over a year, I feel I have a right to feel abandoned.

He's home in 2.5 hours. I feel worse than ever, maybe it was a bad idea coming here.

shetats, I don't think it was a bad idea coming here, but I think you have to consider that this will not be resolved if you continue to be seperated. I know that your career is important, but this cannot be resolved long distance or in one short week.

I agree with what AM Martin said, that you should confront him with what you do have and see how he responds. But beyond that, I know of no way to resolve this while seperated, which means you are likely facing some hard choices.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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