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It's amazing you said that. We were having a "discussion" this morning and I said to him that he doesn't have an ounce of humility.

So he says to me, "what do you expect me to do, get on my knees and fall to the ground in tears like I'm broken down?"

He definately didn't mean it in the biblical context but that opened the door for me to know explain how God sometimes has to break you for you to understand.

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Is he Christian?

We ALL need to get on our knees and fall to the ground in tears broken down before God. Your WH isn't unique in that! Why does he feel he's exempt from grace and mercy? There is the heart of the matter.

MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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iluvmy2 - the perfect verses popped out this morning for your WH... and again, forgiveness and mercy isn't something he alone needs to seek. It is required for us all. He just seems particularly unaware of that at the moment...

The context of the verses is the Second Coming.

[color:"blue"] Isaiah 2: 11-12

The day is coming when your pride will be brought low and the LORD alone will be exalted. In that day the LORD Almighty will punish the proud, bringing them down to the dust. [/color]


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OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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iluvmy2 Offline OP
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I am a person who loves quotes because I think they have the ability to sum up a thought in a few powerful words.

There are two that I have come across recently that apply to this situation.

"He who exalts himself will be humbled and he who is humbled will be exalted" - My husband needs to be humbled.

"Nothing is enough for a man where enough it too little" - For my husband, a loving wife and two beautiful children wasn't enough. For my husband, one affair wasn't enough.

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bump

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iluvmy2 Offline OP
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?bump

That's a new one for me.

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I'm curious as to what you define as "get away with it". We have been in counseling before and close to divorce.

What I mean by "get away with" is that there is nothing to stop him from having affairs. There are no consequences so he has no motivation to end his affairs.

I would also add that much of what your H says sounds very much like what a person, who is insincere, and only doing what he has to in order to get his someone off his back and then go back to business as usual.

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Despite his constant attempts to get me to believe that he is FINALLY willing to work on change (only because I went to see a lawyer), I truly don't think he has the ability to be monogomous.

The biggest problem I see here is not his infidelity, but your lack of acceptance and the feeling that you can change him. It is all for naught to psychoanalyze him. All the psychoanalysis will not overcome an unwillingness to change. The bottom line is that he doesn't want to change and no one in the world can change him. Not even God will come down and change this man against his will. He gives us the freedom to choose good or evil.

But you will drive yourself crazy if you think you can change him. You can't change this man, only he can change himself if he chooses. And he doesn't choose. He is perfectly happy with himself as he is, and only wants to get you off his back. That means that you must ACCEPT him how he is and decide for yourself if you can live in a polygamous marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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iluvmy2 asked: what does "working with" SH mean?

Steve Harley does phone counseling. He comes highly recommended by the people on this site who have used him and ALL he does is situations of infidelity from what I understand--so he would be the expert. If you have the money, I would guess that you couldn't spend it more wisely as far as your M is concerned.

Also, I question whether IC is going to get your WH to see himself from the outside and acknowledge the source of his As.....from what you are saying about him....he sounds to me like he needs an SEE (significant emotional event). A shock to the system. It sounds like you have protected him from his own actions and carried the blow. Why have you done this? (Please don't be offended, I am not questioning your motive--only asking what the motive was).

Courage to you. This sounds like a very painful and tough situation!

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Melody,

Your are right. I thought that the crying, arguments, lack of sex and threats of divorce were enough of a consequence, because it would have been for me.

Obviously the pain he was causing me wasn't not a sufficient deterrent for him.

His motivating factor this time was that I was moving forward with divorce.

I'd love any other suggestions on other consequences that you have heard are effective.

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iluvmy2, I added onto my message so as not to mess up your thread, will you please read it? I don't think there is a darn thing you can do to change him. I think the answer is acceptance, I am sad to say.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ahuman,

You are right about the SEE. What I considered an SEE in the past, obviously wasn't.

I think that his knowledge of my desire for a divorce was his first SEE of the relationship. However, I'm not sure how effective that will be if I don't follow through.

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I wholly agree with Melody--you CANNOT change him. And in trying to change him you are actually doing the work that he needs to do--further shielding him and delaying any growth.

Call Steve if you can afford it.

Also, you did not answer my question about the reason you have stayed this long? (again, not questioning your motive just wondering what it was?)

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Ahuman

The counselor asked the same question. The only answer that I could come up with was that I never has "solid" proof of what I then considered an affair, which was a sexual affair.

However, as others have highlighted to me, he didn't respect my requests to end contact with his female "friends" or recognize how he was hurting me with his female "friends" and that should have been enough.

Now I have real proof of all of it.

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One of the AHAAAA's that I have gotten from these forums is the role that I played in allowing him to get away with it and what did I do differently each time.

So, I decided to do something today that I never did in the past.

I asked him for the home, work and cell phone number of the woman who he had the 8 year affair with. I wanted to check his cell phone bills to see if he had been in touch with her.

He refused and said that he didn't want to get anyone involved. INVOLVED, ****** SHE'S BEEN INVOLVED FOR 8 YEARS. I asked him again two more times and he has refused.

This was the sign that I had prayed for, to help me get off the fence.

I'll be calling my attorney tomorrow.

Thanks all for you help. I guess I'll head over to the Divorce/Divorcing board now.

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You can still post here too of course in GQ...
Good luck with your attorney, I hope you have a level-headed, experienced attorney who helps you to take things slow and calm. I really appreciated that about mine.

And you're right, your H not giving the #'s is not a good sign about where his head is at right now...

MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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Please read on willing2waits thread, the advice she is receiving could be very helpful to you.

Such as not apprising him of your actions.

Getting all of you ducks in a row--and moving forward with a clear plan.

Start taking out and saving cash.

I am not a BS and others could advise you much better, but those that I have seen on the board that are successful (meaning no longer entangled in this mess either in a healtheir M or D)--are those that stick to their RESOLVE by identifying clearly with what they want and fighting for it! It appears to be a fierce battle--so be prepared to STAND FIRM....and it seems that you have been an enabler (you said: "the role that I played in allowing him to get away with it") so being aware of your own weaknesses in this respect will help you a lot to stay firm and be strong.

Good luck to you and keep posting, you should get some great help here.

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iluvmy2 Offline OP
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Ahuman,

Do you have a link for waitings...... thread?

I actually went to see the lawyer back in November and we started getting things together then i.e. W's, financial statments, etc. I've even hidden all of my valuable jewelry including my wedding ring in case I need to sell anything.

I am hoping to be able to use divorce mediation and my lawyer and I discussed the pros and cons of that. I will be calling some of the mediators that she recommended this morning.

I get my bonus next month, so that is what I will use to pay my retainer and then put the rest away.

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What a surprise. He has now volunteered to let me call whoever I want!

A whole lot too late, buddy.

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I'm not sure what transpired between the point where he said he would not give up the numbers and the point where he said you could talk to anyone. But if he is ready to allow you to talk to anyone, he is a step closer than many men who hold multiple affairs. Even if under threat, many won't turn over phone numbers or names. It provides too much access to the truth, which is what they are guarding against.

If you would like to see if he really wants to hold himself accountable, ask him to take a lie detector test with the counselor. Some sex addiction counselors will use lie detectors to get to the general area of the truth.

I don't want people giving up easily, but I don't want them wasting their lives on wasted effort. There was an excellent movie once on The LifeTime Channel, Sex Lies and Obsessions with Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna in which a doctor had a sex addiction. His wife found out and once she knew it was an addiction gave him a chance using the lie detector as a tool. Great movie if no one has ever seen it before. It was a true story and at last count the doctor and wife were still together and the doctor was staying clean.

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AskMe

Because I have been sitting on the fence and it has been emotionally draining, I asked God to give me a sign so that I could know my direction and do what was necessary to go in that direction. I was tired of being stuck.

Deciding to ask that question was the item that I needed. I had never done that before. I told him that words don't mean anything without the actions to back them up. This was his opportunity to demonstrate that he was willing to do WHATEVER it took to prove to me that he hasn't had any contact with this person. He chose to protect her. He chose her over me, our marraige and our children.

I actually never planned to call her, I just wanted to check his cell phone bills to see if he had called her.

He changed his mind because I told him that he failed and that I finally got the answer from God that I needed and now my direction is clear.

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