For heaven's sake people...

LU got an unexpected call from a guy for whom she had very strong feelings for 13 years ago. The call, and reflecting on the he!! she has been through over the past couple of years, triggered some feelings. She shared the feelings with her H and she vented them here.

She recognizes these feelings and vulnerabilities, and IMHO, is taking the peoper steps to (1) get them out, and (2) recognize them for what they are and properly work through them, with her H.

Instead of chastizing her for having feelings, why not show some compassion for crying out loud. Suzet has essentially expressed the same things as posters like ML, but instead of simply saying "knock it off" and questioning LU's committment to her H, Suzet actually offered some valuable insight and advice.

This place never ceases to amaze me. I really wish I could quit it cold turkey (it's like an addiction dammit) because I sure as heck have better things to do with my time but seeing LU get dumped on for this really ticks me off.

{{{{LU}}}}

I never said you told him..
I understand you never told him..

it is YOU that is applying the word love in present tense to someone who you have no idea really is or has become...

that is what alarms me..

the you think you love him..when you don't know him..nor does he know you....

ARK

I keep coming back becauses it pisses me off as well.

Most of you have been in my shoes at some point in your life. What was I supposed to do just pretend the call never took place and lie to my husband about why I was upset or unnerved? That would be really great for my recovery.

Instead I have been honest with my husband about my feelings and afterwards we made love.

That is alot better than holding my feelings in and letting them fester. Sweep it under the rug.

Oh for God's sake, her post deserved nothing beyond "knock it off." This is a grown, capable woman who has full control of her feelings. This is not her first such "dilemma;" she wrote me the EXACT SAME THING, almost word for word about another guy a few weeks ago. And here she is again.

If you want to roll out a pity party, be my guest. But she is a capable, grown up woman who should know better, especially after her own H's affair.

The bottom line is that she knows these feelings are inappropriate, yet she continues to engage them by participating in converstations that breed such inappropriateness. And to that I say, KNOCK IT OFF.

I take this statement as you impling I told him I loved him. That is hardly the case.

I did exactly what I have learned to do here and with my MC. I was honest with my husband and shared how I was feeling about the call with him.

What is the big deal. The rest of it really does not matter as long as me or the ex boyfriend never acts on it.

[/quote]

Oh for God's sake, her post deserved nothing beyond "knock it off." This is a grown, capable woman who has full control of her feelings. This is not her first such "dilemma;" she wrote me the EXACT SAME THING, almost word for word about another guy a few weeks ago. And here she is again.

If you want to roll out a pity party, be my guest. But she is a capable, grown up woman who should know better, especially after her own H's affair.

The bottom line is that she knows these feelings are inappropriate, yet she continues to engage them by participating in converstations that breed such inappropriateness. And to that I say, KNOCK IT OFF. [/quote]

Ya know ML, I thought you offered your email in your sig line so if someone needed to speak with you in private it would in deed be private.

Thanks for sharing private emails between the two of us with everyone else on this board.

What are you impling with your statement that "here I go again"?

Yes I am a grown woman as are you. I come here for guidence. I will let you know when I become expert like your self in recovery.

By the way I am not participating in conversation's that breed inappropriateness. The first guy you keep refering to was a builder for the real estate company I work for. I let him know that I was happily married and his advances were inappropriate.

This ex boyfriend and I had 1 phone conversation last night in 13 years. I doubt I will hear from him again.

Hey,
This is NO different then wanting our WS's to be honest .....with feelings, times, whatever.

However,
if you Punish someone long enough for being Honest, they soon will STOP being so.

So she has Feelings for some OLD Boyfriend.
OK, it happens.

Give her Credit for bringing it to Light .......and then Help her Move away from those feelings as you would any WS.

Gotta use the carrot as well as the stick.

I'd rather someone be Open then guarded ....otherwise, they can't get Help as the whole story (or most) never come out.

By the way GBH ....calm down, it won't help to argue, ...you'll just make yourself upset.
(Too late there, huh??)

LU, you know very well what I mean by "here we go again." I have never told anyone about the situation you emailed me about until you openly posted a thread about it today. It was you that brought this out in the open so there is no reason for folks not to know that you went through this exact same thing a few short weeks ago.

Surely you don't think its appropriate to come here asking for help hiding that truth?

Dear LU,

I was lurking over here a bit and saw this thread. I wanted to share a little bit of insight that your Enneagram type might give you in this situation. If I remember right, you are a Two. I suspect you are an Intimate, One-to-One, or Sexual Two. They are the most likely to put out "I could be your sweetheart" vibes without even realizing it (seriously...it's a sexual undertone that they are TOTALLY unaware of). Knowing this about yourself, if it's true, could be very important in your future.

My sister is this type, everyone in the family would agree and it would take her months of therapy to see it. I can't "see" you, so I don't know if you are really like this, but it's just a hint I get from your writing...mainly because of the deep jealousy you felt over the OW. Believe me...all types feel the jealously, but the Intimate subtype REALLY feels it! It causes almost a rageful feeling to come up in them at times. Twos are very possessive and being an Intimate Two is like being a "double" Two. I am also an Intimate subtype and I have a very strong Two wing.

I think it's great that you told your H about this phone call. I think it's also important to know why you did it. Would you like him to feel jealous...possibly as jealous as you do? It's okay if you do...it's just important to recognize that and tell yourself the truth about it. I know that you did it because of MB policies, but there might be an underlying reason there that is important for you to notice about yourself. Twos tend to not really know themselves very well. They hide their heads in the sand about their own motives. They often choose to believe that their motives are selfless even when they aren't. No big deal...just something to have an awareness of. The policy of being open and honest needs to extend to ourselves, too, and not just to our partners.

This situation could deepen your compassion for how your H found himself in this affair mess! If you could embrace that part of yourself, that dark part, that knows that you are capable of an affair or even just tempted. I've had that opportunity to see that in myself...just a little glimpse of how easy it would be and it truly helped me to empathize with how my H got himself into these messes. It was all a lack of integrity, but I still understood more after my personal experiences. Sometimes we project the unwanted and undesirable parts of ourself onto our partners. If we can see those very things in ourselves, we can have compassion on ourselves and our partners and see just how human we all really are. We can also be more thankful that we and our partners have chosen to be in the relationship we are in, in spite of previous failures.

By the way, I don't think you'd be very human if some sparks didn't fly with an old boyfriend. Why wouldn't they? It just isn't something you have to act on. You can simply observe it, which it seems is what you are doing.

I hope you don't feel any judgement from my observations about Twos and from what I know of your situation from a few months ago. I have a tendency to come across that way, but it's not my intention. I just want to encourage you to use this situation to grow, both for yourself and your marriage.

Best wishes.

Stillwed

The thread I posted today has nothing to do with what I shared with you thru private emails. It is to totally diferent situations. You were the one that brought up the private emails.

I am not hiding any truths. I came here being very honest. I think my honesty is a point that GBH and Tope Rope are trying to point out.

Why would I lie to people I do not even know? I have nothing to hide from you people. You do not even know me.

You should not have posted about the private emails period. Even if I had shared them here. It was not your place to share them or the fact that we discussed it privately.

The situation you described above is EXACTLY what you told me in private a few weeks ago. Ver batim. In fact, that is what I thought when I first responded. You brought it in the open on this thread yourself.

I don't ever intentionally divulge the details about my private email correspondence, but I honestly thought this was the SAME situation, because you said the EXACT same things here that you did there.

Given that this just happened with another guy a few weeks ago, don't you feel you have an obligation to be honest about that with these people since you are asking their advice?

They can't very well help you with this if you hide pertinent details, and a PATTERN is very much a pertinent detail.

If you aren't willing to be honest with the folks here that this is a pattern, then you are NOT being honest, and you shouldn't expect me to help you in that regard. It is not "my place" to help you deceive others about an obvious pattern, so no, I was not out of line in sharing this.

Stillwed,

Thanks for your post. All that you have said about me is true. I do recognize how my husband could have an affair. I am also aware of how easy it would be for me to have an affair.

That is why I am so honest here and with my husband now, because I know my weakness.

I will post to you more later I am leaving work heading home.

"The sparks were still there. We could both feel them."

I'm curious, did you talk about the sparks?

My husband got an email from an old girlfriend last January. Now, I am a BS.

He never intended anything to happen.

He hadn't seen her in 25 years.

They started chatting.

They met to 'talk'

I am a BS.

I think a lot of us read your post and thought OMG, RUN FOR THE HILLS, especially when you followed up the sparks with your resentment.

It is too easy to act on good feelings.

Maybe planning ahead with a positive idea that should he call back, you'll thank him for the call, but get off the phone ASAP.

I hope you work out the resentment. I don't know your situation. Are you in IC. I know that is one thing we work on in my IC sessions.

blessings to you

I do not see a pattern. The first situation was not a few weeks ago it was several months ago. If you still have the emails go back and check the date. And yes I did post here of the first situation. Anyone can go back and look at that.

I came here right before Christmas and posted that the builder gave me a $100 gift from Victoria Secret. I shared it with my husband and with MBer's and I did what was suggested for me to do i returned.

What they did not know is that you and I had shared privately about the situation. It was not your place to share that.

I have been on this board for oh about 18 months. We have been in true recovery for about 11 months. I have had two situations that have alot in common. I went to my husband and came here and shared both of them. I have not acted on either.

I did not hit on the first man you are refering to nor did I call the second so I hardly see a pattern.

I may come here to get support to keep me from doing things I should not but what is wrong with that?

Until further notice EVERYONE posting to this thread is in time out. I will ground you further if necessary.

I have spoken.

Just trying to help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

(That's ok...nobody listens to me at home either.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LU, it was more than being "hit on." You expressed the exact same intense feelings of attraction about that guy that you have for this guy. You described it to me almost verbatim as you did here. I cannot tell the difference.

It is very pertinent that you have had this reaction before and folks need to know this. This is a pattern and there is no reason to hide it.

When it happens more than once, that is a pertinent fact. You will get better support if you tell the ENTIRE story, because the folks will have all of the facts, not just part of them. THAT is being honest.

LiftedUp...

I do think that you are doing the right thing by coming here to discuss these issues...I think alarms just go off in people here because we all know, as you do too, how painful infidelity is for all parties involved...

Remember that a lot is lost in the written word based on individual perceptions of tone...I really and truly believe that people who post here do so because they honestly care...I hope that you can somehow feel and allow yourself to receive some of that caring...the way I see it, with Melody, in particular, is that she wouldn't continue to post to you if she didn't care...in fact, I see her as caring so very deeply that she continues to post even when others seem to want to bash her...still, she presses on...she's here every day...I know you know that, and I'd be willing to bet that you've read many threads where she has been invaluable to so many, myself included...My opinion is that she doesn't care if the box is beautifully gift wrapped...but oh, how very deeply she cares about your receiving the gift that's inside...Does that make any sense?

I think that Pep really nailed the problem dead on in her post about your resentment of your H...I pray for God to give you what you need to let that go...

Just wanted you to know that I care too...

Blessings,

Mrs. Wondering

Please, Please DON'T go there.

The sparks are fantasy, it isn't real. It's based on old history and ancient possibilities. The memories may be fond, but the it does not translate into real feelings.

I speak from real experience here!!!! My affair was with my first love - I pledged to love him, forever - bak in HS and my first year of college. I planned ot marry him, spend my life with him. And then he cheated on me - with my best friend! Broke up with me cause I was to serious, he didn't want to settle down (he was a year older). 1 year later I met my WH and fell in love. Eventually he married my now ex-bestfriend. He contacted me out of the blue, after I joined the 20th Class reunion commitee and his wife got my contact info with her invite to the reunion.

It started as emails, then phone calls, my WH knew - thought it was good for me cause I'd had all kinds of hangups related to this guy and thought it would be good for me to work them out.

I let myself get carried away with my emotions, thought I'd married the wrong guy - really went overboard! And in the process - broke my vows, had a one night stand, and my relationship has been bearing the hurts ever since.

The point is - NOHTING had changed about this man - he was a cheater, a liar and someone I could not trust. And in believing I "loved" him cost me something very dear - the trust of my WH.

Please don't become the other woman. Cut all contact NOW, and tell him you can not talk to him anymore out of respect for yourself and his marriage.

Ok, I did.


You had to have TALKED about it, whether or not you told him you loved him.

What do you think of this? Found out that my wife 0f 29 years had been in contact with her old lover from college days. Dinners, letters, she had his photo. He was also married. It went on for a very, very long time - 20 years. I knew nothing. I was shocked at the discovery and felt betrayed. She insists it was not a PA or EA. She says she doesn't think she betrayed me. They were "just friends." She quickly agreed to NC and sent him a goodbye letter. It's been almost 18 months since DDay and it's still driving me crazy. I'm tired of being depressed. Why can't I shake it? very surprised