Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,141
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,141
LU,

Having resentment for FWS at 11 months is completely normal.

I believe your post shows that you are vulnerable right now and have been in recent months.

Time to step back and do the healthy thing, which you are as far as I can see.

I also had to give up my oldest son for FWS. He would not allow him back in the family. Granted oldest son had and still has major issues, and my H felt he needed to protect the other two children, one of whom was NOT his. I had to respect that, but it still hurt, and there are still issues at this time. I do understand that. However, my FWS had no problem in devastating his own family with ow. My DD could not function at school, did not graduate, but did get her GED, and is doing very well. My middle son, well, he is still struggling, as is my oldest. We have had to do some tough love, and it is slowly working.

You are not the only one that has resentment. But it just is, and there is nothing you can do about what is already done. Blessings and prayers for your son, just let him know how much you love him. We cannot change the past but we can have a better future.

You have learned so much, and come so far. Please continue to protect yourself and your marriage. Please be aware that you are vulnerable, and use this time to become closer to your H.

Blessings to you and prayers for your son's recovery.

Love in Christ,
Miss M


me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 258
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 258
"I am really still in love with this man after all these years. I miss him. I have always missed him, dreamed about him, went over and over in my mind what we had.

What do I do now? Recovery has been fine but I really resent my husband for what he has done and for what I gave up for him.

The sparks were still there. We could both feel them."

Did you tell your husband this word for word. If you did not you lied to him.

Did you tell your husband that you were in love with this man when you married him?

I am going out on a limb here. Could it be that you love romantic love? That is not love but a fantasy of romance. Think about it. Your current husband swept you off your feet. Yet you say you have always loved first man. Romance plain and simple.

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
MelodeyLane,

I am calling a truce with you. If that is ok. We can stay here an argue forever and we will not agree. There is nothing wrong with that. I find your way of expressing yourself to me to be offense.

You have been at this for a very long time and I respect you for that. Your marriage is truly recovered and you deserve that.

I have just been at this a short time. I could have had a revenge affair if I wanted to. I will admit I thought about it. I shared here how attractive the builder was to me. I will bet I was mad at my FWH and came here to vent about what I would like to do to get back at him. I came here recognized what was going on and with my husband's support I made sure the guy knew he was being inapporiate.

The exboyfriend's call came out of no where. The things I said here about being in love with him, sparks, etc... were just my words. My feelings. We were in love. I did not end things the way I should have. I did not share these things with him. The conversation was friendly enough and it ended as fast as it started. I will bet that I will never here from him again.

I do not call this a pattern. I do not start up relationships with every man I meet. I am do not fall in love with every man I meet.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
Quote
"I am really still in love with this man after all these years. I miss him. I have always missed him, dreamed about him, went over and over in my mind what we had.

What do I do now? Recovery has been fine but I really resent my husband for what he has done and for what I gave up for him.

The sparks were still there. We could both feel them."

Did you tell your husband this word for word. If you did not you lied to him.

Did you tell your husband that you were in love with this man when you married him?

I am going out on a limb here. Could it be that you love romantic love? That is not love but a fantasy of romance. Think about it. Your current husband swept you off your feet. Yet you say you have always loved first man. Romance plain and simple.

I did tell my husband everything. I am sure he did not like to hear it. I am sure he was hurt. We are working thru it.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
Quote
Quote
Go back and read the post. I did not say in my post that I told the old boyfriend these things.


Ok, I did.

Quote
The sparks were still there. We could both feel them.

You had to have TALKED about it, whether or not you told him you loved him.

Susan,

I did not tell the ex-boyfriend these things during our phone conversation. How stupid would that be to tell someone that you loved them the first time you spoke with them in 13 years.

As far as the sparks remark - that is how I felt while I was talking with him. From the way he sounded I assume he was feeling the same. Maybe I was wrong. I did not tell him these things.

We talked about our spouses and what we had done over the 13 years and our children.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
LU,

I can see this happening so easily. And I am so sorry for all you've given up.

I remember a "first love" calling me out of nowhere. Only difference was, he was M, and I was not - yet; I hadn't yet met my H. We talked for a long time. And then he wanted to see me. And I said yes. And then I thought about it. Mind you this was twenty five years ago. And I thought, what would his W think about that? And, I called him back and cancelled. End of that story.


Fast forward to Dday: Reeling from the devastating news of my H's A, I was flattered by attention paid to me by a colleague. I started to feel attracted. To what? The attention, I think; that a handsome man could find me desirable after I'd had my life pulled out from under me, I guess.Casual banter and flirting were all that went on, until at a conference away from home, someone (not him) asked me the number of my hotel room. When I told them, this man leaned over and whispered to me, "I'll be there later". Whoa. Stop. This man was M, 2 kids. Suddenly, I was struck with disgust. How could he say that to me? How would his W feel?

LU, as the others have said, you are so vulnerable right now. You have to guard your heart. If you are going to stay M, you need to protect that M. Your H failed at that. So did mine. They are picking up the pieces of their failure. For the rest of their lives they have to live with what they did. You do not need this on your soul.


me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04 In Recovery with God's help Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
Quote
LU, as the others have said, you are so vulnerable right now. You have to guard your heart. If you are going to stay M, you need to protect that M. Your H failed at that. So did mine. They are picking up the pieces of their failure. For the rest of their lives they have to live with what they did. You do not need this on your soul.

Thank you for your kind words. They have touched me like no other in the thread. I will protect my heart & my soul. I told my husband last night I hated what his affair has done, things will never be the same. I am thankful that I am not the cause of that pain and I will not be the cause of that pain for another.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
And.I forgot this before: I think this "old flame" will call you again . And, if/when he does, you must tell him that, while it was nice catching up on old times, you are M, and he shouldn't call you again. And, then tell your H what you did.


me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04 In Recovery with God's help Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
And, if he doesn't call, thank God that you've dodged that bullet!


me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04 In Recovery with God's help Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 87
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 87
Let me just give a word of warning also. As a FWW, I never planned to have an A. It was just talking. Guess what, they always start that way. You think you have it all under control and you KNOW that you won't let it get anywhere. Guess what? You're wrong. Does that mean that men & women can't be friends? I don't know but I can tell you from experience, I don't have any male friends that I talk to without my husband (or their spouse) there. Not because I don't trust myself (or him) but out of respect for my H.

It doesn't matter who called whom first. It doesn't matter if you had thoughts that you shared with him or not. The fact is, you thought them and felt them. Those are warning signs.

It's great that you shared with your husband and the MB'ers but you also need to be honest to yourself.

Instead of running FROM this guy, try running TO your husband.


Me (FWW) 34
BS 36
Married 5/25/91
DS-8
DD - Born 11/8/05
PA #1 12/1996
PA #2 4/01 to 1/04
NC 1/04



Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not. - Oprah Winfrey
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
Okay Lifted Up. I am opening Pandora's box. It's time to get honest.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...true#Post639765

I feel the URGE........
#639765 - 12/17/04 07:46 AM


I was married before at the early at of 18. We were together 7 years and had a son. The marriage was bad and I was a WW. I have never admitted it to anyone. After going thru this in my second marriage I cannot beleive the pain I caused my first husband. If he knew he never said.

When I met my second husband I knew I loved him from the start. After we were married beinging faithful was never a question for me. Having an affair never crossed my mind until now.

I have been have in urge to look for someone to have an affair with. I want the excitment it brings. I know why it is an addiction. I want all of that.

I want to get even.

I did have affairs in my first marriage. If my first husband ever knew I did not know. I know the devastion it can cause. In my first marriage I was very young and thought that it was no big deal.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2704876

Do I tell my FWH about Married Man...?
#2704876 - 05/12/05 09:59 AM

…He joked around about what I was going to be doing today since I would be here alone. He mentioned lunch. I am not dumb, he was flirting. I prayed about if I should tell my FWH. I went home and told him.

Was I wrong in telling him? Should I have just handled it on my own? I was scared that if I did not tell him it might be fun just dabbling with this guy. I know it is wrong but it is flattering to know that someone has noticed me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are just two examples that I found in your old posts. As BS's we have a sixth sense about these things. As ML stated, there is a pattern here and you are a FWS. Stop bullshitting us.


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 401
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 401
Check please!


Me (BS) 36 FWW 35 Married 5/25/91 DS-7 DD - Born 11/8/05 !!! PA #1 12/1996 PA #2 4/01 to 1/04 NC 1/04 There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. - Mahatma Gandhi Don't think exposure is a good idea? Go here... From Harley Himself
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748
Quote
I do not think I am obessing over anything. Damn, I just got the call last night. Yes I shared that I felt that I was in love with him and that I thought of him often.

LiftedUp,

The above is a quote from your post.


Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)


Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
Shattered05,

What is your point? I have been honest. Anyone can go back and read what you have pulled. I am sure there is more of the same in my posts.

I have been honest here and with my FWH. I have not had an affair in my second marriage of 13 years but yes I have thought about it. I have already said that.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
Quote
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are just two examples that I found in your old posts. As BS's we have a sixth sense about these things. As ML stated, there is a pattern here and you are a FWS. Stop bullshitting us.

I missed this the first time I read your post.

Yes I was a FWS in my first marriage. I have not tried to hide that fact. It is posted for all to see. That was 20 years ago.

Yes the builder did hit on me. I thought about a revenge affair.

The point is I have been honest here and with my husband. I came here and shared my feelings and I also shared them with my husband. I took the advice here and put into play just as I should have.

In the past 13 years I have thought about having an affair once as I posted. I have not thought of an affair with the exboyfriend. Good Lord, I just got a phone call two days ago. We discussed what had been going on in our lives for the past 13 years. We did not discuss having an affair.

Yes the phone call stirred up feelings. If it is a pattern , I came here and shared with you and my husband. I have not acted on those feelings.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
Quote
[quote]
I do not think I am obessing over anything. Damn, I just got the call last night. Yes I shared that I felt that I was in love with him and that I thought of him often.

I shared those things with you guys and my husband. Not to him in the phone conversation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
The fact is I have come here and to my husband and been open an honest. I have not tried to hide anything.

If my FWH had shared with me his feelings and what was going on at church with the OW we may not be where we are today.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748
LU,

Sorry that I was mistaken. I interpreted that post to mean that you told this old former BF that you were in still in love with him and think of him often! I hope you can understand now why I was so concerned about your behavior and commented in the way I did.

Still, I am concerned about you. Just as it is hard work for a WS to earn back trust, it is hard work for a BS to work through resentment. It seems to me that there are events from your pre-marriage past that you have not yet worked through and let go of. Do you think that this is true? Do you think that this may be hindering your personal recovery and/or marital recovery? If so, do you think that you need professional help to resolve this?


Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)


Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 896
Quote
LU,

Sorry that I was mistaken. I interpreted that post to mean that you told this old former BF that you were in still in love with him and think of him often! I hope you can understand now why I was so concerned about your behavior and commented in the way I did.

Still, I am concerned about you. Just as it is hard work for a WS to earn back trust, it is hard work for a BS to work through resentment. It seems to me that there are events from your pre-marriage past that you have not yet worked through and let go of. Do you think that this is true? Do you think that this may be hindering your personal recovery and/or marital recovery? If so, do you think that you need professional help to resolve this?

I have worked very hard since my husbands affair on my personal recovery. I have also worked very hard on not becoming the WS as I did in my first marriage. We both held lost of resentments towards each other. We have been in MC for quite some time.
We have recently stopped going because the MC felt we were ready.

I have thought about my ex-boyfriend over the years. Since the affair I would compare that relationship with the one that I had with my FWH. The resentment re-surfaced after the phone call from the ex.

I shared that phone call with my husband and all my posts here. We are very honest with each other now. I am sure he is hurt by my feelings. We are working thru them.

You people here have thrown me in the fire much faster than he has. It was just a phone call. Once that I did not make. I doubt I will ever hear from the ex again.

If you go back and look my husbands affiar was with a woman that we went to church with. So I have had to deal with resentments, anger etc.. even toward God.

Last edited by LiftedUp; 01/13/06 08:19 AM.

Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
It's been busy at work the last couple of days or I would've answered your answer sooner. A couple of things: (1) The Sad Saga of Other Susan the Stupid starts on page 9 on the feminine hygiene products thread, at least the way my computer numbers them. From there it meanders around for quite awhile, sometimes going off-track briefly, but you could follow it fairly easily by just skipping what isn't part of the Saga. (2) I have no idea what the problem was with the email account, unless you don't have one already. That address is just your dull, run-of-the-mill, average and ordinary yahoo account, with nothing special about it at all. When Lemonman and I exchanged some emails in the past, he used that account, and it's hard for me to imagine he had to set up something special in order to do so. You could also try sportkanga@yahoo.com, although why that one would work if the other didn't would also be beyond my ability to explain.

t&l

Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5