Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
I've been divorced from my exWS for three years now. We attempted reconciliation for about one year after the divorce. I still find myself obsessing at times about what really was going on in my ex's life during his affair. And, I don't know why. I want it to not matter, but it still crops up now and then.

I'm thinking part of the reason it's happened more recently is the my exWS's son (my stepson) is getting married this Spring. SS and I had a good relationship, and I know his fiancee well. SS was very upset with his father's affair. His dad (WS) was 47 and had an affair with a 21 year old...the same age as SS. The OW got pregnant during the affair, and they had a child with Down's Syndrome. My sons overheard SS say to his father, (after finding out about the affair), "Old man, I will always love you, but I have lost all respect for you."

My SS refused to go to his dad's house initially because he couldn't stand the OW. His dad and the OW were living together. After his dad was in a motorcyle accident with severe injuries, my SS became more involved with the OC (half-brother). His dad couldn't make it out of the house for months to meet him elsewhere. This meant that my SS was having more contact with the OW.

I've heard that SS still can hardly stand the OW. He told his sister that he really wishes the OW didn't have to be at his wedding, but he doesn't see a way around it.

So, now I'm wondering if I will be invited to his wedding. Even if I am, would I choose to go knowing the OW would be there?

I guess that's where some of the fixation on what really happened comes in. It's like she will be there with my ex., and they will have their "little secrets". There I am, still wondering about what the heck happened, and why, and where was I??

My ex brother and sister-in-laws will be there. I've only seen a few of them since the divorce. I've found out that many of them (mostly the brothers) knew a lot about what was going on with the OW, when I didn't even have a clue. His brothers tend to be outspoken, and their sense of humor involves trying to make others look stupid (me?).

My ex has repeatedly said that I did nothing wrong, I met all his needs, that he thinks he couldn't handle having it good and just sabotaged himself. But he remains with the OW.

I know much of this is about my ego. It really took a hit when all this happened. The OW was 7 months pregnant when I finally confirmed the affair. I was very much in love with my ex. and was devestated. The fact the OW was so much younger than me didn't help. It still doesn't as I face my 51st birthday.

I know that if I'm invited to the wedding, I could choose not to go. I know my SS would understand. But, I feel like my ex and the OW have taken over and controlled enough of my life in the past.

I think part of the obessesion is that as I enter the dating world I don't know if I can trust my judgment in relationships anymore. I had hunches, bits and pieces of things that didn't add up, but I gave my exWS the benefit of the doubt. I just wish I knew more of what really went on, to see if I could match it up with my hunches. I might then feel better prepared to trust my judgment again.

I know that I'm never going to get to know much of what really went on. Maybe that threatens my sense of power and control...at a time when I have felt so powerless.

What I do know is that I don't want it to matter...in the slightest...anymore. Part of writing it down here is to acknowledge my "truth", and try and heal beyond this.

I guess I'm not really asking a question, but would be interested to hear if others have experienced this..even after their divorce. If so, what are some of things you did to try and move through it?

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7
J
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7
Dear Heartmending,

I related to your post in that my soon-to-be ex had numerour affairs in our 7 years of marriage and I had to piece together everything I could because he was never honest. Always lying. I obsessed for a while, a year or more, trying to figure it all out, the details etc.
I had to begin the process of forgiveness and that is when I began to look forward.
Be at that wedding and don't let anything stop you. Of all the adults your SS knows, you're the one who kept your vows and as he makes his, he'd want you there. You would bring honor to him as he makes his committment. Plus you love him. God Bless your efforts, Jubilee

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7
J
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 7
And also, be as happy looking as you can and realize that God is with you. Remember your heart was true and that is something to be very thankful for. Jubilee

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,775
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,775
Heartmending, I'm glad you wrote about this. I too have been wanting answers to what really went on during our year of "reconciliation" & before to better understand & to move on.

Unfortunately I don't think I'll ever get the answers I want. Unlike you I didn't confirm ex was involved with someone else & when it may have started. I asked, he denied, no surprise. I chose to, instead of persuing the answer to that, tell him why if he were having an affair, either physical or emotional, we could never really reconcile. I left it at that. I did this for many reasons: ex had to want me enough to get rid of the illusion of a perfect relationship with ow & WORK to keep our marriage whole & our family intact. He had to understand for himself why reconciliation wouldn't work with ow in the picture. I didn't want doubt & uncertainty to hover around me while I was trying to love him the best I could. There's probably more but those are good enough reasons.

Lately I've been thinking that if I had the answers to my questions I'd then be free to completely move on. What I've decided is that I have to choose to move on. With or without those answers it's my choice.

Here's why I believe this: If the answer is yes, he was involved with another he's not the man I married or the man I want as my partner. If the answer is no, he's still not the man I married or the man I want as my partner. There has been so much behavior on his part since that time to make him undeserving of my love, to make me lose respect for him & a host of others things. I simply don't want him any more.

Of course I mourn for what we once had & for the intact family he blew apart. But I know without a shadow of a doubt I'm better off without him. I will find a man who can be open with me, who can share what's in his heart with me & who will love me for who I am.

The answers I'd like to have just don't change what I have to do to move on the the next, BETTER, part of my life.

I don't expect this to mean the questions I have to never come to my mind. I just know the answers won't help me to make the choices that will make me & my boys happy.

Would I like to have the answers? Yes. But in the long run it would just confirm what I already know: he's not worthy & I don't want him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Formerly nam here since 07/31/03 coastal, CT
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
Quote
I guess I'm not really asking a question, but would be interested to hear if others have experienced this..even after their divorce. If so, what are some of things you did to try and move through it?


My X had never admitted A, I had to find out 'all' by myself.
I begged him to tell me, anything, to help me to heal... He never did it... Even now, after more than 2 years, he'd just say 'she's not reason you were unhappy and left me'... that's maximum I heard from him.
So, not only that I don't know details, I know nothing.

What helped me?
I made my own scenario <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, the worst case!... and - I accepted it...
OK, sometimes I wonder... but you know what? His A is so typical (as anyone else's!) that I can read any story here and find a part of his/my situation in it as well...
Not worth of thinking.


I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
Quote
What I've decided is that I have to choose to move on. With or without those answers it's my choice.
---
I don't expect this to mean the questions I have to never come to my mind. I just know the answers won't help me to make the choices that will make me & my boys happy.

That's it!


I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
I'd like to comment this too:

Quote
The fact the OW was so much younger than me didn't help. It still doesn't as I face my 51st birthday.

I understand. Ego. I'd feel the same.
BUT, look it the other way around, my case:
My X's OW is his age, meaning 7 years older than me.
Trust me, it hurts the same at least, but I think - even more.
Because, you know that's his MLC, fear of getting old and he needed 'prolonged youth and potency' feelings and that illusion he could get only with a young girl... And that has nothing to do with you as a complete woman.
In my case, it's not just his physical passion, it's something much deeper, therefore - worse (how I took it)...

I have never, even when I was 20, cared for anyone who was looking at me 'just as a body'... so, when I found out about them, imagine how much I did not feel adequate as a Woman, vs. just a Young Body if that were the case (wish that were...)
And, that hurts much more...


I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
I've heard that SS still can hardly stand the OW. He told his sister that he really wishes the OW didn't have to be at his wedding, but he doesn't see a way around it.
Since she is the ow, there is absolutely no reason in the world for her to attend. If she does go, it means the son is now okay with the affair.
Your step sons should let her know that she is not welcome to attend the wedding.


Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
Part of the problem is that my exWS and the OW live together, and have a child together. They present as a "couple", in spite of how awful my ex says their life together is. My ex is going to be his son's Bestman. His son with the OW is going to be the Ringbearer. He'll be 4 yrs. old then.

My step-children have worked hard to try and not hold things against their half-brother due to his parents' stupidity. I especially hold them in my heart because their little brother was born with Down's Syndrome. Lots of people would be uncomfortable with that condition.

As the oldest child of an alcoholic/addict, my SS took on the typical role of caretaker, rescuer, perfectionist, etc. He has always been super reliable, responsible, far beyond his years. He's very considerate, and wants to avoid conflict. He does have a good bio-mom. She and I get along fine. The OW is very loud, outspoken, throws fits when she doesn't get her way. It might just be easier to let her come. Whatever he decides to do, I won't fault him. This is his special day.

I like my SD's attitude. Shortly after the whole affair came out she wrote me a note and said "HM, you don't ever need to worry about the OW. You've got more class in your little finger than she'll ever have."

Her advice to her brother about not wanting the OW to come to the wedding: "Get some b#lls and tell her she's not welcome!" (Of course my SD always was a bit of a rebel!)

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
B2M,
You made a very good point. I hadn't thought about it in that way. I can see how that would be very painful. It would seem more "personal". I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this kind of pain.

Again, why don't these WSs get divorced if they're so unhappy? And the lying and denial drove me nuts. Yes, I know about "cake eating". But for the life of me, I just can't understand how you can look someone in the eyes and lie day after day after day. Even if you don't love someone anymore, you loved them at one time. You'd show a stranger more loving behavior!

I remember saying to my ex: "If this is the way you treat someone you say you love (me), I don't want to ever be your enemy!"

Bottom line...it doesn't really matter what I think, say, feel, what is....is. I guess that's where the advice of choosing to move on comes in. Thank you for the reminder.

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
Exactly; more personal...

It took me a while, but I'm fine now.
And now, from this distance, I could forgive him anything but not hiding the truth till this very day. (This doesn't mean I'd be with him though, just to forgive...)
Also, he didn't help me by going away either - he was always "willing" to reconcile, always telling me he loved me... and that didn't help me, just opposite... And, it's much harder to D and move on when you H says that he loved only you...
I put all on 'a scale' and much more I had on 'to leave' side... so I made decision... and I don't regret...

Well, he never moved in with her, and he's still 'around', and would be happy if I say come in...
Now, I feel sad for him... alone, getting old and sick...

So, it is not 'personal' anymore; younger or older ow, come to the same - grass is so rarely greener... i.e. if you don't learn to grow it, it'll always and with anyone be just poor dry grass...

Re: your SS, you are very right, you cannot fault him... He's his father, above anything else...


I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,775
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,775
Going to the wedding for your SS, also for yourself is showing support for him & his soon to be wife on a very important day in their lives. I'm sure they would miss your presence.

Taking the high road doesn't mean you're comfortable with a given situation or that you endorse it, only that in this case you've chosen to hold yourself together, above the muck, while doing something difficult that gives another pleasure or support.

When my boys gleefully (because they like her) told me ex is moving in with gf the small part of me wanted to tell them what I feel about ex & gf. I never would though. My concern is for their happiness, safety, & well being. They like gf, she's nice to them & has included them in her family events, for this I'm gratefull. While I have my doubts that this will always be the case, for now my boys are cared for.

Because ex choose to break up our family all I can do is take care of my part of things. As I see it that means to be as supportive, loving, consistant, stable, etc... as I can. It's not always easy or comfortable or what I really want to do, but it is what they need from me.

When I'm having a hard time deciding what I should do I try to look at things from that perspective; What's best for my boys.

Wow, do I sound saintly or what! Fake it if you have to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Formerly nam here since 07/31/03 coastal, CT
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,868
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,868
Hi Heartmending

I understand some of what you are feeling.

Quote
...my exWS's son (my stepson) is getting married this Spring.
I am hearting that you really do want to be at your SS's wedding, although you'd prefer that you didn't have to deal with OW and XWH there. Might you have regrets years down the road if you pass up on this event? If so, my advice is to tell SS that you want to be there. He may be struggling with whether or not to invite you under the circumstances. Assure him that you just want to be there for him.


Quote
My ex has repeatedly said that I did nothing wrong, I met all his needs, that he thinks he couldn't handle having it good and just sabotaged himself. But he remains with the OW.

Wow. This is exactly what my XWH said to me, too. He had four affairs while we were married -- that I know of -- and the closest I ever got to a confession was him saying "I was a very bad husband," and the fact that his last affair moved in with him six months later. (They're now married.)

Not knowing the full truth ate me up for a long time and, yes, it did affect some of my early dating relationships. In that way, I SABOTAGED what could have been wonderful romances.

Heartmending, have you been in personal counselling? I do think that is a critical piece to getting over this, to enjoy being by yourself, and to preparing to date again. What a shame it would be if you couldn't fall head-over-heels again because you couldn't trust. Allow yourself that. YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS. Mend your heart.


Mrs. W8ing


Burned-out W, 41, ENFJ married to INTJ. Blender family of 7 years w/3 teens. H has been injured/ill and in college for 6 years. Co-parenting for 11 years w/XWH who married A #4 of 5.
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
I've been in personal counseling for several years, and still am! It's embarassing to admit that at times, but my exWS did note "I'm in Recovery from drugs and alcohol. I'll always need to attend some meetings. Why should it be any different for you if you need it?"

My exWS and I went to marriage counseling. He later stated that this was when the sexual part of his affair started! I was supposed to be working more on "trust" at the time! Even our therapist was taken by surprise at the extent of his affair, and she was a seasoned professional.

I am working hard at maintaining my integrity with myself, who I am. If I want to be in a loving, expressive, mutually supportive relationship, I can't expect to shutdown my feelings and wall myself up. I may have fears, but they will be examined and expressed fears! It is my intention that there be a whole lot of joy, too!

I'm leaning towards going to the wedding if I'm invited. I have loved and cared about my stp-children for many years. I looked forward to spending these types of occassions with them. My love and concern for them didn't stop at the divorce. If I don't get invited, I'd feel hurt but would understand. Again, this is my SS's special day. I want to do what will make him feel best. If it means not inviting me due to possible conflict with the OW, I will do that out of love and respect for him. I know how he feels about me. I have nothing to prove to anyone.

If I do go, I'll just put aside whatever secrets my exWs and the OW share...walk myself into the church, head held high, smile on my face...like the classy lady I am!

I appreciate everyone's feedback and support! Thanks!

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
please go to the wedding. you have EVERY RIGHT to be there.

and let ss know that..

an ow is an ow is an ow...period!

matters not if she's the new wifey or live in.

she is an OW. (pronounced owwwww as in pain)

I hope you go...and that even if they invite the little homewrecker, you go and KEEP GOOD BOUNDARIES...and remember you are there for your precious ss and his special day. it is not about the ow and your xh. it's not about them at all. it is about ss.

when I have to be around xh and the ow/w is there, I keep that in mind. plus I know it makes ow/w CRAZY INSANE WHEN I AM PRESENT...she totally dislikes me. I just keep a good "boundary fence" up. am pleasant, smile, am always a lady...AND MAKE SURE I LOOK FABULOUS...she shakes in her shoes...


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 464
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 464
He is no longer your spouse.

Why do you care about him or his g/f??

This makes no sense. And It can only get in the way of you enjoying your life.

Build a bridge and get over it.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 464
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 464
Your 51?? GREAT!

I am in my 50's also. Trust me when I say that women in their 50's can be very attractive, provacative and desireable. I know because I date them.

Fix yourself up and get some hearts fluttering.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 464
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 464
I'll pass on one thing I heard about Other Women

"When the Other Woman gets her man, she leaves a opening for the job".


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5