I posted earlier about my fiance (together for 2 years, engaged and living together for 1 year). She continues to move out every 3 months or so for about 7-10 days. In the beginning she says it is over or that she jsut does not feel right about this...like we do not get a long, we are unhappy, etc. I feel we just need to go to a counselor and work on some things. Finally she broke it off, but now has e-mailed me that she is having a hard time with it, has been thinking ab out me, and knows that this will take her a while to get through it. I did not reply. I'm waiting for her to move her stuff out, but I think she is feeling me out. She called the other day and I answered and she seemed caught off guard. She said she was calling to just"check in"
I think this is a pattern for her...break it up, then come back. Not sure what to do next, and have not talked to her until I get some thought on this...any help would be greatly appreciated.

Hi,
as a women I think she probably does love you. She just doesn't feel right about living with you before marriage.
I have to agree with her.

Have you seen the stat's on the sucess rate of marriages of people who live together before marriage? pretty poor!

You didn't mention if she was a christian?

Have you read Dr. Harley's book "The One" or "Buyers,Renter's and Freeloaders"?
It's te same book just that one is a paperback.

It explains alot about relationships and living together before marriage.

with love and hope or the future,
VTY

May be you need a break. A long break. It would be hard but wise.

I'm not one to pull any punches. I'm straight and direct. Maybe she is unhappy about something, like you said. Did you bother to find out what she might be unhappy about? OR like VTY said maybe she doesn't feel right about living together before being married. It could be that she thought that was the only way to keep from losing you. But in my opinion, if that's true then she needs to let you go. She could be afraid to come right out and tell you. Is she safe in anything she tells you? If she isn't then she can't. No one can.
Speaking from experience, it can be ****** to live with. If I didn't tell my XH he would get mad with me. If I did tell him he would get mad with me. What was I supposed to do? After 5yrs together, and a year of counseling with Dr. Harley, he finally let me know that there wasn't any hope for my X to have a LTR with anyone if he wasn't willing to work on some of his issues, and my efforts were pointless.
Speaking as a christian woman, it is wrong for two people to live together before being married. It means that one or both of them admits they are not willing to make a commitment to the relationship. And that will keep any relationship spinning in circles. Sounds like that's what might be going on with you two.
If you want to really WORK on this thing and keep her, then the best thing for you to do is find out what she needs. Because something is definetely missing!!! Who's end is it on. If this has been going on ever since you've been together then there is a problem in more than one area. The best thing to do is figure out what you want in a relationship - period! Then, find out what she wants (if you want to keep her). Don't judge her until you hear it come from her mouth that she doesn't want the relationship to work. That would just be you projecting and as Dr. Harley would say - disrespectful judgement. A big Love Buster. Sounds to me like she doesn't want to lose you, but at the same time sounds like she's trying to keep from losing herself. Do you want her to lose herself? Or do you want to build something with her that the two of you can enjoy for the rest of your lives?
The ball is in your court right now. Just remember that on that lies the responsibility to use good judgement and not do something that in the long term you might regret. Obviously she ran when she didn't really want to - otherwise she wouldn't have gotten back up with you.
Right now I just had to break it off with someone. Not because I wanted to, but because he's not interested in a committed relationship, but he wants all the benefits. That just doesn't cut it. I told him we could still be friends, but that I can't be like the other girls he wants to chase. Even his best friend said he was being an a**hole right now. And that he could tell the guy has feelings for me just watching the two of wu when we're together. That hasn't changed how he's behaving. And the last time he and I talked, he told me that at some point he would change, just not right now. I know I can't sit around and wait for it forever. So I've picked up and gone on. It's not easy, but I have to survive in this world too. Not just him. I do know that every time he wants someone to talk to instead of just have sex with, he calls me. Not the other girls. Right now he's still mad over what happened in his last marriage, that's why he doesn't want to build anything long term. I can't change him, all I can do is keep on living by my values as a christian and hope that one day a man that someone with the same valuse comes along.
Just don't throw away what the two of you have had that was good over the past two years for her running scared. Find out what she's running from. If she believes she's safe, she'll open up and tell you.
RMW

Keep us posted on what's happening!
RMW

I think she is unstable and may run back and forth till she can come to terms to deal with what she is running from are you sure she is ready to settle down I ran for years till I could not run anymore and then just settled down and found a neew piece she just may need time or a reason. Find out what it is like for her and what she is going through

Do you know anything about her past, such as her childhood. It is impossible to say what could be causing all of this. She could have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a book about this disorder that is called, "I Hate You, I love You". The person with Borderline will say they can't do this anymore, but then when you're gone, they want you back and it is a repetitive cylce full of hurt for both parties involved. I AM NOT saying in ANY WAY that this is what the problem is. It's just something else to think about or rule out. Do a search on symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and see if there are similarities. People who grow up in disfunctional families are prone to disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism.

It also could be because she is confused as to what she really wants at this stage in her life. She may want committment and a serious relationship, but gets scared when she gets to close. Perhaps she's been hurt before and she's not wanting it to happen again??? If she "REALLY" wants to be with you then counseling would be a great start.

If it is meant to be between you two, then it shall be!

This is how my now-wife was before we were married. I think the above posters are over-thinking this one. My wife did this because she simply was not a committed woman. Now my uncommitted fiance is my uncommitted wife. Some women are just not marriage material.
I would always talk her through it and be the fixer. I recommend not doing that.
I love my wife, but I cannot count on her, and she is even less committed to her own flesh-and-blood daughter. Strongly consider ending the relationship if this is not the type of person that YOU are.

abch123,

Your uncommitted fiance may now be your uncommitted wife, but that doesn't mean that's what going on in everyone elses life. The others posts have there place also.

I am a very committed person, but that didn't keep me from running back to my own home periodically. I was being abused and neglected (which I didn't recognize at the time) by a man that turns out was a sex addict. Well, he left me for a woman who was sick enough that she would life up to his demand of sex every day for 90 days - then he would marry her. Well, turns out he left me for an alcoholic who has a multiple personality disorder. (great gift for a demanding, inconsiderate jerk!!) Needless to say they're divorced after a relationsip that lasted from them meeting in Feb of 07 (which is when I said I'm out!), and splitting up in July of 08. And the only reason he stayed with her that long was because his "mommy and daddy" paid for the wedding and his "mommy" just loved her to death - til she started coming around totally intoxicated and saying a whole bunch of stuff to them. THEN he had PERMISSION to divorce her - from "mommy and daddy" - and we're talking about a 48 year old man!

I kept going to the counselor that we started to together and come to find out my biggest problem was being afraid (aside from the fact that I was compromising my christian beliefs by trying to please this man). My biggest fear was that no one would ever want me (something that my mother taught me at the age of 9). Now I know better! I've gone back to school and improved my life waiting to go take my national board licensing test on the 17th of next month. My relationship with my daughter is great (even though she is grown) - now that she is grown, I can be more of her friend than her "mother" (in other words "mommy doesn't tell her what to do anymore" - she makes her own choices and if I ever give advice, I ask if she wants my opinion FIRST. I don't IMPOSE myself on her and she is doing gerat on her own).

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE AN UNCOMMITTED PERSON TO YOU????????
If she screws up, I'm there for her - not to say, "I told you so", but to let her know I understand her pain and that I love her even when she slips and falls.
DOES THAT SOUND UNCOMMITTED TO YOU???????

So, just because your relationship turned out the way it did, doesn't mean that's EVERYBODY'S life. I was being smart when I ran & stupid when I would give it another try - I just didn't know how stupid I was being at the time because I WAS COMMITTED TO TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK!!!!!!

Sounds more like your mad because of the way your life turned out and you want to make sure you pass that along.

RMW

Besides, as old as the orig. post is - it's probably already worked one way or the other. If you notice, the orig. poster hasn't been back on.