I am still in the process of D, court date is coming up next month. My STBXW has always had an unhealthy need for attention from OM, which has led to numerous A and the end of our M. She relies on OM so much for her self-worth that she has several times gone into an almost debilitating depression after a break-up with one of them. None of these have even been long term R, usually lasting about three to four months. She has refused to even acknowledge that she has a problem, instead choosing to blame me entirely for the failure of the M.

What I worry about is the kind of influence this behavior will have on the kids, especially my daughters. What are the chances that they will observe my STBX behavior over the years and live their own lives this way? What can I do to maximize the chances that they will not copy this behavior? I am not looking to start a fight, but I think it is very important that I deal with this issue head-on with my kids. The question is how exactly. Do I simply try to lead by example and hope that is enough or do I need to talk with them directly about there Mom, make sure they understand what she is doing is not healthy and try and help them understand how she got this way?

It's one of the biggest reasons why I have been reluctant to agree to more of a 50/50 custody arrangement. I want to try and limit their exposure to this behavior. I don't think that will be good enough though. They are still going to spend ample time with their Mom and have already witnessed enough of this to make me wonder if I am doing all that I should to deal with it.

starman

wow 5 kids!!! i have 3 and think i'm busy.

it is hard when you don't approve of your x's behavior. there is a lot of similar behavior going on with my x.

just always be there and ready to talk. i have found that when we have down time (like sitting with them right before bed or something) then they tend to talk more -- that way you are there and available. if they tell you something that happen or ask you about something, you can answer -- but never talk bad about your x.

i have said that 'that is adult choices' or something like that should be special and you would want to share that with someone you love ..... etc.

my 8 year old learned his 10 commandments in religion class and came home telling me 'dad committed adultery' (among some of the other commandments he has went against.

keep an open ear and make time, keep a journal, it may sound stupid and i don't know where you are heading with this but my x is continually harassing my kids saying things to them like "if you don't call me mommy will go to jail", he's teaching my 23 month old to say "mommy is mean", etc. etc. or him and his girlfriend are now giving my children beer, which i'm not happy with at all.

if you think you can't answer all their questions, take them to see a counselor. talk with the school counselor at school. make sure things don't change -- grades, homework, etc. you are the best judgement on your kids and how things are affecting them. be active in their lives so you know what is going on. i have told my children's teachers when i was going through the divorce. they appreciate the heads up too as they can keep an eye out on any changes (behavior, etc.)

i have been told by counselors that if you know of something and don't report it, then you could be considered just as much as fault. (failure to protect) so depending on what it is keep that in mind too.

i have a journal of what the kids say to me, tell me, and what happened on their visitation with my x. it takes a lot of time, but does come in handy in many ways.

the best you can also do is show by example. so keep continuing to 'lead by example' as you say, be there if they want to talk, i wouldn't necessary bring up let's talk about what your mother is doing. but maybe during some down time you could say how are you doing, i know this is hard for you, i'm always here if you ever need to talk, or have questions about something, or if something bothers you..... you get the picture, just put it in your words. spending time with your kids is the best thing!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Short answer ... you don't unless they bring it up. Never bad mouth their mom, only express your disagreement. Remember you have different ages and depend who asked you have to filter it a bit according to their age.

-rh-

Never bad mouth your x-spouse in front of your kids - it ruins the moment when they figure it out for themselves.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure you teach your children well as to what is right and what is wrong. They will know "bad" behavior when they see it.

Don't refer to her behaviors as "bad". They don't want to hear you tell them that their mother is "bad" in any way. Just inform them that you don't necessarily agree with a certain behavior or action of their mothers and teach them how they might handle a similar situation (on their level) in a more appropriate manner.

I find that I can almost always create an analogy that my DD/12 can understand (on her level) which helps her to better understand an adult situation or behavior by comparison.

These kinds of issues are the most frustrating for me. In other situations when you see that your kids are being influenced in a negative way you can remove them from the situation or adress it head on and explain to them why it's bad. But when it's the other parent that's being the bad influence you have to tread lightly.

It's hard to find the balance when dealing with the person who will be the biggest influence in their lives (with the exception of me). It's so good to be able to come here and get a different perspective from people who have lived it. It always gives me confidence that I am doing things from an educated viewpoint as opposed to an emotional one.

My STBXW has blamed me consistently for her lack of a close relationship with the kids for the last few years. When I look at the journal that I keep and see how little time she has spent with them, how she consistently chooses to do other things when given the chance to be a parent, it really p****s me off sometimes. She went so far as to tell my oldest son how sad she feels that she doesn't have the kind of relationship with him and his brothers and sisters that she wants and blamed me for it in a "nice way".

Tuesday night my son and I were driving back from his soccer game. He said, "Mom tells me that she feels bad because she doesn't feel like she is being allowed to be the kind of parent to us that she should be and she doesn't get to be as close to us as she would like. She's always so busy with other things that she hardly spends any time with us. She keeps saying that she wants to spend more time with us but she always has an excuse why she can't. I'm old enough to know that that's not right".

It made me sad to hear him talk like that. I was worrying about him getting the wrong impression about what was happening because of what she was telling him. Now I see I didn't give him enough credit for being able to see what was really going on. It also made me angry with myself that I was worried, not about his best interest, but about making sure I didn't come out looking like the bad guy.

It really knocked some sense into me and helped me understand what most of you have told me in this thread. Live by example, teach my children well, and most of the rest will take care of itself. Thanks everyone.

starman

Although it may make you sad to hear him talk like that, you have to be proud that he is able to make decisions like that himself. He obviously can see things how they are not how they are painted, what a great life skill!

That is my goal is for my kids to be able to make good decisions on their own. Of course I'll be there to help them when life gets confusing.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with them. Keep up the good work!

Good luck and hang in there. You are doing the right thing.

-rh-

You don't.

Your son's conversation with you tells it all. And it also speaks volumes to what you must have instilled in him through your actions and time spent with him and not conversation about Mom's bad behavior.

We've been divorced for a little over 2 1/2 years with Mom having primary custody. It sounds as if we were married to the same type people because your description of her meets mine to a perfect "T".

And in the time I have with the children I make sure that they each have some time alone with Dad. The other poster pretty much summed it up about the bedtime conversations. I know our OD (14) values that time as that is when she always opens up and ask some pretty deep questions about life and ponders why her Mom has chosen the route that she has.

Just last Saturday OD was dumped by her BF. OD called me in tears wantint o know if I would come and pick her up and let her stay with me for the rest of the weekend. Asking is she had asked Mom she wanted to know if I would. Where was Mom? Out with the BF. I did call her and then went and picked OD up. We had a wonderful weekend and all I did was hold and listen to her. Her conversation was much like your son's. Mom's never home, always with BF or hauling BF's kids all over the place.

Keep being there for your children and the actions and impressions you make on them will far outweigh and words that you could add to them.

Wishing you the best.