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Good morning. I am sure that most of you who have been here awhile remember my story. Briefly, my WH has been involved in a LTA, my guess is about 4 years. This was/is very undercover and intense. I do believe it may be over, but he just will NOT admit to anything outright. During some heated talks in the past he had admitted to a LTA, but always retracts. He says it is what I wanted to hear, but really it is not the truth. Well, I know and he knows it is.

I/we can not go on like this much longer. (also remember my post about him not lusting me, goes along with this LTA) There is no way I can believe anything he says, where he is (he is an OTR truck driver, so alot of time alone) what has/is happening - nothing. I must get the truth out of him one way or the other.

I have talked with SH and he told me to gently try to get into the secret rooms of his life. But, he also thought that my WH could be the type to take this secret to his grave, which I believe he will do if I do not figure out some way to get the truth. Lord knows and y'all here, that I have tried practically everything to catch him and that he is just too sneaky. This I knew.

Also - now he wants us (me really) to buy him a truck - I am talking a very big and very expensive semi truck. First of all, he has changed jobs three times in the last year and get frustrated easily. Basically, I have just made everything so easy for him all along that he just assumes I will buy him this truck. Which I just can not do given everything that he has done. I do think it would cement our relationship in some weird, sick (financial) way but in my heart of hearts I just can not do this. At least with out him telling me the truth once and for all.

Is this my card ? Can I somehow get the truth this way ? Hey buddy if you want a truck so bad - tell me the truth about your affair !!!!

Please help me. Truck or no truck, I just need to find out and I NEED HIM to tell me the truth once and for all.
My mind just can not take it any longer.
Thank you so very much in reading this and please advise me what you think would work for me.

Thanks again, Carnation

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Carnation,

Sounds like emotional black-mail to me either way. In my case my WH felt I didn't support a business venture a couple of years ago and that is one of the reasons he gives as to his A, that the OW backed any idea he had. (Of course she did, it wasn't her money, her kids lives!). So, he bought a company in our home state, OH, shortly thereafter I found out about his affair. We have put lots of money into the business since then. I never am comfortable that he didn't stay with me for financial purposes, I still have my job. If this were to happen now, when I've regained some self-confidence and self-esteem, I would say let your feet meet the street buddy! I thought as you did, that it would prove my love/devotion to him and "cement" the relationship. This is not the case, and I have a lot of doubts/regrets.

I see this for you as well. You are not the one who should be proving, or cementing the relationship, he should be the one. Can you put one of those voice-activated recorders somewhere in his truck? How about his cell phone bills, have you reviewed them? What have you done to verify the LTA? Do you want to stay in this relationship? Does seem to be one-sided, hate to see you go on like this as it seems like a lot of time has passed. Have you given any thoughts to the future, as in do you want to be married to someone who won't be honest with you?


Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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Thanks for replying. I can see our situations are somewhat similiar. No I do not want to be with someone who will not be honest with me. He is a huge CA and I do know that he does not want to hurt me by admitting it, should have thought of this before the affair.

I totally agree with everything you have said and I so appreciate the help. I can not tell you how much thought and action has gone into trying to catch him at this. I have found out enough over the last year or so to convince myself. I do not know if there is still contact, he knows I constantly check cell phone records and would use a calling card, he has in the past.

He is due home this weekend and I MUST talk with him about this once and for all. I am again not sleeping and eating and can not continue to live like this. And - he wants me to buy a truck !! So, you thought the same exact thing about this and it did not work for you ? Thanks so much for sharing that with me.

I know that I can not catch him at it, he is just too sneaky. It is time for him to confess, but --- how can I get it out of him ??? I need this for my own mental health, almost forget the mental health of our marriage. At this point, with the lack of lust on his part added to all other lies.... I am so sick of it.

Thanks so much for replying.

Carnation

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HI carnation haven't seen you around in a while. I am struggling with similar situation. My WH had/is having LTA w/ family friend. I think it is over but he will not talk about it and he will not commit to M and he refuses to leave. He doesn't talk about D at all. So here we are w/ this giant elephant sitting in the room and he says "What elephant?"

I spoke to SH about it. He said I need to be a broken record and tell WH I am struggling and I need his help dealing w/ this. I need him to tell me about A. I need him to talk to MC about M because we aren't going anywhere. I questioned SH about sounding needy or whiny. He said I have to hammer it into him how important it is to me to work through this. He thinks my WH is the type that will just try to move on, try to forget A ever happened and never speak of it. But to get over it we need to go through it.

My WH returns from business trip tonight. I'm not looking forward to it. I know he will avoid my questions and I'll have to nag. I hate nagging.


aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Thanks for replying. Oh, C42, yes our situations sound almost the same. My WH is a huge CA and I know he does not want to hurt me by actually saying it. Once in the heat of a discussion, I did tell him that if he ever did tell me about the affair, it would probably be over. So, that was not too smart to say. But, I seriously do not know.

If only he would say, as he did once just to "shut me up" that yes he did cheat, he broke it off and he had made a big mistake -- it would help soooo much. Somewhere, anywhere to start healing from.

SH told me to be gentle and try to sneak into the rooms of his life. I do like the broken record theory. Have you tried that at all, has it worked a little ??

Can you please tell me exactly what SH said to say to get him to open up. I really need to do something to solve this one way or the other soon. Lately when talking with WH on the cell, he is gone on the road, most of the time I just want to hang up on him and never ever talk to him again. And, it is usually over something small. But like you said, the elephant is standing right here and kinda hard to avoid it much longer.

Oh, thanks so much for replying. I am so sorry you are feeling the same as me, for I know what this feels like - NOTHING !! Weird, but true. Thanks again.

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I'm not an expert on Plan B, but have you thought about this? Sounds like your WH wants status quo and this would shake him up.

What reaction will you have when/if he is truthful about his LTA? Do you want the marriage? I was p.u. a little if he confirms the LTA, I'm outta here, but maybe I'm wrong...perhaps you want it out in the open in order to deal with it. The old Dr. Phil saying, you can't fix what you won't acknowledge...too true. In order to have a healthy marriage, the details have to come out in order to deal with it and have your WH take responsibity for it.

I've read on other threads that LTA's are different animals than the other A's...I hope some of the other MB's with similar sitch's will post to you. I don't know how to get your WH to admit it other than to have undeniable proof. Most likely hard to obtain with him traveling. I understand about the calling card, I never thought of it until I found one in a box at the business. Of course he tried to deny, deny deny it. I called the co., MCI, and they gave me the last six calls he made on the card. Of course they were all to the OW's cell phone and work phone, surprise, lol! He even still denied it. I finally put a key-logger on the computer, ended up having to do it on both computers at the business as he wised up and switched using the 1st one. Does your WH have a laptop you could install a keylogger on?


Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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Lord knows and y'all here, that I have tried practically everything to catch him and that he is just too sneaky. This I knew.

Also - now he wants us (me really) to buy him a truck - I am talking a very big and very expensive semi truck. First of all, he has changed jobs three times in the last year and get frustrated easily. Basically, I have just made everything so easy for him all along that he just assumes I will buy him this truck.

Carnation:

I must admit that I am puzzled by your "issue" here. You seem to be praying and hoping for the answer to a question you already know the answer to. I understand that you want the TRUTH, but there will come a time when you stop the "dance", and get real with yourself. I almost read your story cringing when I realize how awfully scarred you must be to be living this life and somehow, someway wrestling with yourself whether to buy your WH a semitruck. I almost want to say "what are you getting out of it"? But then I know the answer....you get to stay married to this guy. That's cool, I do understand.

It's your life, you say you want to change things and say that this "can't go on much longer"...but you are probably looking to the wrong person to end this misery and to help you "change" things for your life.

Like everything else in this life, history usually repeats itself untill WE decide to change it.

For the record, I think you'll probably find a way to buy your WH the truck.....I'd like to be wrong about that.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Thank you for the replies.

Oh Lemonman, how I love your sincerity and your ability to cut to the chase. No one says it better than you -- what we really need to hear.

Yes, I do know the truth. But I feel that I need this from him. Not the gory details, my gawd, that would put me over the edge. I can see it, and avoid it at all costs, but I am close to it always. (lol) I feel like he and her have this big dark (maybe light) sexy, intense secret and I want to break through to it !! I am the one in the dark and I do not deserve it. I believe I am owed the truth. The truth of my husband's life. My life too. Just do not for the life of me know how to get it out of him.

The truck... this may be the deal breaker for me. I sincerely know that in my heart of hearts I am not as needy and desperate as I keep thinking I am. I must be able to put my foot down sometime. I know if I do this (and he knows I am capable financially ) I will HATE myself. So, that would be very stupid.

LM - Did you mean that I am sick of living scarred ?? as in a wound that will not heal - or scared as in frighten ? Hmmm..... probably both !!! Nice life I got here....

Oh, and if I still have your attention, what do you think of my WH recently telling me.... it hurts me that I do not lust you.... your take on that please. And, he is right. He doesn't.

Thank you so very much for replying.

carnation

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LM - Did you mean that I am sick of living scarred ?? as in a wound that will not heal - or scared as in frighten ? Hmmm..... probably both !!! Nice life I got here....

Oh, and if I still have your attention, what do you think of my WH recently telling me.... it hurts me that I do not lust you.... your take on that please. And, he is right. He doesn't.

Well, actually now that I think of it......BOTH. Your "scared" and "scarred".....take your pick, both are applicable here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

With respect to your WH saying that he wishes he lusted you...I dunno, maybe he is actualy telling the truth AS HE SEES IT. His actions certainly back up his statements.

Maybe he feels so guilty for all of his cheating and betrayal of your marriage that he wishes that his conscience would give him a little reprieve and at least allow him to "fake it" for the sex at least and show you even a fraction of the attention that you so obviously crave from him. I don't ofcourse know the real answer. This is just a guess.

I think you'll probably go on being a very frustrated and angry and hurt person as long as you keep looking for "blood" out of this stone.

Your WH has more than told you what you need to know....you just haven't wanted to hear him. Your looking for words that have already been said in a different language. It must be frustrating. I can almost sympythasize with you....almost....but alas, you know just as well as me, that I don't sponsor "pity parties" and I don't make a good guest to them. I am usually asked to leave and am escorted to the exit door. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know you say you'll hate yourself if you buy him this truck, but if you really are honest with yourself, you'll see that you can always find a way to rationalize doing this. You've done it for 3 years now, you have unwittingly become an expert at it. There is no other way that you could have sanely stayed in this reliationship if you hadn't done this.

I ofcourse have hope for you and want you to learn to love yourself and pray that you can rescue any shred of dignity and self esteem possible within you.....but I can't help you anymore than you want to help yourself.

You haven't been here for more than 6 months, yet NOTHINGS changed. You'll have to figure this one out now. You'll stay in the quick sand and eventually drown at this pace....but it is your life, so in the end, I can tell you all of this untill I am blue in the face....it won't matter though if you don't really hear it.

When you want to change your life, you'll do it. I think you remain confused looking for the "aha" moment of clarity that you think your WH can give you. He can't give you this.

Only you can give "you this".

Goodluck

Lem


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I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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DON'T YOU DARE BUY HIM THAT SEMI!!!!!!

Do you hear me Carnation?

I signed over my beloved island property to prove my love to my ex, and guess what? Ex is gone and he and GF are enjoying my island property.

You let him make the sacrifices and save the money to buy the truck himself. This is how he grows up and learns to make good choices.

He will not become more attracted to you, he will not become more faithful to you, and he will not be a better more stable person if you buy him the truck...actually the reverse will happen.

And Carnation, I am way more attractive than my ex's gf...looks has nothing to do with it, believe me (as far as the lust, faithfulness stuff goes).

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Gosh, Lemon, you make it all so clear. I guess this thread should have been titled - Please help, I must get some self respect !!

And, again, you are right. He has "told" me what has happened. And I probably know the why, filling in the blanks is really meaningless.

It is ME, I am what is important here. I know the truth. I know the answers.

My love for me is not based on what others think of me. Or, have done to me. Makes no difference.

It is MY life and how am I going to live it .....

Thanks so much Lemon. I do listen. I do get it. Having a nicey nice truthful marriage with my Wh would be a blessing to achieve, but may be unattainable.

So, I have a little soul searching to do. And, it does not include running around looking for a diesel truck to buy for my lying, cheating H. Geesh.... what is (was ?) wrong with me ???? Thanks so much Lemon...

I am going to put on my big girl pants. Being a victim isn't very pretty. Not only a victim, like I have read here a friggin volunteer !!!

I will not live without love, respect, honor, truth..... someone desiring me... this is no marriage. Yes I am scarred and scared. But I will not just keep doing this.

And another thing... I do not agree with the way Oprah treated James F. I am going out to buy his book two tomorrow. In trying to save face, she instead made herself look um.... mean. Just my opinion, of course.

Thanks again so much, Carnation

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Weaver, thank you for replying and sharing that. It just asmazes me how we are all so similiar in dealing with these affairs. We the BS, try and try. And them, the WS, lie and lie. Hey, I like that.

Wow, I can so totally relate to what you did. If only I do this, say this, wear this, cook this.... buy this !!! And, of course, none of it matters.

When I look at this whole picture (my M) and all that has happened and not spoken of... I just can't keep buying, dressing and doing everything I can possibly can do to get him to love me, lust me... It really doesn't, shouldn't matter.

Thank you so much for sharing that with me Weaver. There is no better place for those in our situations to go for support. And, it means alot to me. Thank you so much.

Yea, the truck may be the deal breaker. God works in mysterious ways, and I think this is a big clue for me. Ok, the last clue.

Hoping all my new found behavior does not change when Wh swarms in the door tomorrow. I do lust him. But, lust is NOT love. The love part I am still not too sure of. Um... carnation... how could you possibly love someone who treats you like this... thanks again so much.

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I am going to put on my big girl pants. Being a victim isn't very pretty. Not only a victim, like I have read here a friggin volunteer !!!


Well, alright....that's good to hear...but it's only "words" tonight. Only you will truly know if you are going to put into practice what you say above.

Those sometimes are the hardest tests to pass, as you have noone overseeing you. It is my hope that maybe just maybe your own conscience and heart will oversee you here. Like everything, change is hard...not easy.

So do like the sneakers sign says " Just do it"....

Lem


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Right, Lemon. Let's not get ridiculous here !! I am not talking about a D, but frankly, I really don't see much of a difference between the M I have, which is filled with lack of trust, honesty, SF, etc... I really, really do not have that much to lose.

Dang it, I think I am already back to my original problem. How do I handle this with him ? I do want the truth but I know he will not say it. So, I must go by what I know to be true. So, from there, what do I want, need.

Ok, I want love. And, I know he loves me. This I know. But, love is a verb and I need more action in that regard.

I want respect. But, in order to get it I must demand it ? The old saying, you get treated the way you want to be treated. So, I quit acting like a doormat for starters. Yes, I can be a loving wife. This I do and have done. Not the whole time, granted, but have for ever since I have suspected the A - duh !!! Which I think is human nature. But then again, before I found MB, I did throw around quite a few LB. And good, mean hurtful ones. Darn it. They do tend to remember those things !!

I want honesty and truth. Now... that is the trick. How do I go about obtaining that ?? From a serial liar. Well, actually he really is a good person, just this affair stuff has him in orbit. Remember he is a biker. A different breed. Not bad, just um.... gutsy. Yeah, gutsy for sure. For years I always would say, he only likes me. And I meant only me. Not anyone else. Ha Ha... was I fooled. There was someone he liked waaaay more than me... did not know.

And the SF... that is a trick too. I have actually researched on getting him some herbal stuff from GNC to make me seem more desirable. But, I thought he was coming home next weekend, not tomorrow. So, I have not gotten any of that stuff yet. anyone know if it DOES work ?? Worth a try in my book.

So, Lemon, I am not talking too crazy here. I am not going to go balastic on him. that gets no one any where. But... I am going to demand.. somehow.. sugar gets more than vinegar.. to be treated with respect and love and honesty. Hoping we can talk about the other stuff. I know I will talk and if he does not want to listen... I guess he will just have to leave...

Yea Me !!! I am not going to put a bandaid on these scars. I am going to let them heal. and try my damnest not to get anymore. If I do... then that is my fault, not his.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. You are a doctor and you are holding up your committment to help and cure more than you know. Please feel the joy of doing that. Which, I know you do.

God Bless You, Lemon.

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C:

I don't think I suggested a divorce anywhere in my post. I still think your gonna need some more "digestion" to get all of this. There is still some fog to be cleared up......your own.

GNC and supplements to get your WH's affection for you? I have to readily admit that I think you are a little off your rocker here.

I will say it again with some slight irritability (lol)....it is NOT your WH whom you have to demand respect from.

That is where it starts.....WITH YOU.

Lem


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Dang it, just when I thought for sure I had it. You mean, like when just now, I posted to Hurting that the answer to her problems etc... was with her all the time !!

Then I go and rant and rave about my WH when, like I told to Hurting, it is all about ME. Like it is all about her.

That happens to me so often here. I can see what others are doing in their sits. and it is so very plain to me what should be done, what is happening. But in my own life.... psycho !!!

Funny about off my rocker here. Just desperate. I really desire to talk with a man about this lust thing. It is all in his head, right ? (you know what I mean, lol) I tell him all the time how much I lust him, as I do. But just the other day, he knew I was down and upset and he says - You can talk to me about anything. You are my wife, my friend... paused as not to say lover because he knew this not to be true !!! How do you think that made me feel ? Same pain as recently telling me, which I have known by his actions, he does not lust me.

Hmmm... I guess he really does not have to tell me what I already know.

The respect is with me .... Lemon, I am so broken. I really do not know how to feel that. Is it like I was saying and seeing with Hurting ?

Here is an example, years and years ago, when married to my ex. I went to the physcologist (sp) for marital problems with a black eye. I proceeded to tell him that yes, I do like myself. I like myself alot. He told me to go in the bathroom and look in the mirror. Of course, when I did this... I cried my head off. Like that ?? respect me ??? Don't let others hurt me ? Is that a start ?

sorry for referring to you Hurting here. I feel nothing but respect for you, I am just trying to use my posting to you as an example that I can not follow my own advice !!! this has absolutely nothing personal to do with you, hon.

I get it..I understand what needs to be done...I think.

thanks again so much.. carnation

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I must get the truth out of him one way or the other.


Reading this, I was reminded about an encounter I had at work yesterday. A woman was asking for a particular test to see if she carred the breast cancer gene ... I asked her this:

"If you find out you carry the gene, what are you going to do differently ? Would you be checked more frequently than every 6 months? Would you prophylactically have your breasts removed before you get cancer? Would you become very anxious and unable to enjoy your life? Would you be more determined to enjoy your life? What is your plan about how you will use the test results?"

....

and with you Carnation

What are you going to use the truth for ... once you get it? And, how will you know when you have the COMPLETE story?

Be careful you don't set off on a quest for something without some sense of direction about where you're going .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Thank you so much for replying Pep. Your wisdom is always very appreciated.

Before I fall asleep at night, I play the words I want to say to my WH over and over again. I now realize that I really do not need him to admit to the A, I know he had one and so does he and he knows I know. I have come up with needing him to tell me it is over and he is sorry.

I want to make this as easy as I can for him, not that I feel sorry for him, ha ! but I do know he is a CA and will do anything not to hurt me outright. So, I think in putting the cards out there that I know and he knows I know, that maybe he can admit to it being a mistake and that he is sorry. It is somewhere to begin. Then again, maybe he does not think it was a mistake. Just that it did not turn out the way he planned. He certainly did not think I was going to turn into a more humane person by finding this MB. Plan A helped me soooo much.

I wish I knew the correct words to start sounding like a broken record. Do you have any suggestions ? Like I said, I don't think I could pull it out of him to actually admit to the A, but if I can word it in a way to get him to say that he was sorry.

I (I realize that it is not correct grammar to start each sentence and paragraph with I, but I keep doing it !! also OT, I have noticed and am highly taken with the fact that the posters here do not correct grammar as many do on other boards. Speaks volumes to the kind of posters we have here)

Perhaps I can ask him how he would feel if he KNEW that I had been lying to him repeatedly about something over and over. How would that make him feel about me ? Because, after all is said and done, it really is the lying that is the worst damaging, at least to me. The continual lying takes on a life of its own and the hurt from the affair is almost a given and somewhat, just somewhat overlooked.

Re the woman with the breast cancer question, I have a MD who I adore. Took along time to find one that I was comfortable with, and visa versa !! Anyway, I was telling him the other day that just because my cancer has not yet been diagonsed, does not mean I do not have it. He tried in best doctorly mode to briefly explain it to me and then rolled his eyes and laughed at me. As he normally does. He understands me -- and still likes me !!!

Thank you so much, Pep for replying to me. I am sure that I come across as being so much more scatter brained than I know I really am. Perhaps not, I do think anyone with an ounce of intelligence can see how transparent I am. Which, is not a bad thing. Dang it.... my Wh is so not transparent. The very thing that drew me to him .... is killing me !!!

Thanks again Pep.

Carnation

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"Perhaps I can ask him how he would feel if he KNEW that I had been lying to him repeatedly about something over and over. How would that make him feel about me ? Because, after all is said and done, it really is the lying that is the worst damaging, at least to me. The continual lying takes on a life of its own and the hurt from the affair is almost a given and somewhat, just somewhat overlooked. "

Carnation, I totally agree with you on this! In fact I am going to borrow your words here as a starting point for this very conversation I need to have with him about the lies. I am having so much of an issue with getting beyond trust issues and the lies!
Like you say, the A gets somewhat over looked, boils down to more of an issue is the LIES.
My husband lied to me straight in the eyes when I asked if he was having an affair. He knew I trusted him that explicitly and believed in him. And even made love to me after that lie and then carried on for 2 more weeks with a plan to be with the OW all night and day, lying and telling me he was at work and then going fishing with "the guys" from work.
LIES, LIES, LIES.................
How do we get over that?

Be well,


Harmonie BS Me - 43 EX/WH - 35 b-day 8/22 D day 8/21/05 Separated 4/2/07 DS #1-16 mine DD #1-15 mine DD #2-9 ours DS #2-6 ours Married 12 yrs together 13 1/2 "Hang on and keep your belt tight and hands in the the car at all times, this is a bumpy ride."
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If I remember correctly Carnation, we not only had similar stories, but similar lives. My H doesn't travel, but don't you have a bunch of animals and a "ranch" or farm? I am really sory to see you here and still struggling with the same questions. I, too have struggled with the EXACT same c%$P!

I certainly don't want to sound like a know-it-all, for I am anything but that! I don't know if you recall, but my W?H had a couple of conversations that I taped, in which he was complaining about me and our life and our horses...He was talking to a woman, I believe ( a woman's voice can be heard faintly in places)..he refused to ever admit he was talking to ANYONE, he still claims that he was talking to himself. In one conversation he even says "I know that cleaning stalls is not a fun job.., but, you have to see things from my perspective.." ! I have often told him that he must be crazy to either expect me to believe he was talking to himself or to be talking to himself as a third person.. " YOU need to see things from MY perspective"..hmm.

Well, the truth is, I must have been the crazy one, to let this make me crazy for so long. No, I am not over it. No, he has not ever admitted to the lies. Yes, the lies are what bothers me the most..he might never have done more than have a few inappropriate conversations. Ultimately, what I am doing with any information that I do or don't get, is MY problem and pertains to MY life.. At present, this comes up at times and my stance is "Do NOT deny, You know and I know that you have been lying about those conversations"... (almost 3 yrs, BTW). If we discuss it further, I tell him.."I told you that it is NOW up to YOU to either tell me the truth or PROVE otherwise".

So now he knows, and I remind him occasionally, that I do NOT believe him.. That it is up to him now. That we are continuing in this relationship as long as I am willing to live with someone that has lied to me about such an important issue. I have been upfront that my plans are not to continue indefinitely this way. I spent way too much time and effort, tho, trying to "prove" more..when I already "knew" that he was lying to me. I will not do so anymore. This is MY life. I am not wasting any more of it on that %&@*. I have 2 children and I have been a SAHM (and PT bartender) for 7 years. I now have plans to go back to school (probably for teaching, I do have a biology degree). And I have recently updated my resume, so as to get back into the "real" world. I have some (realistic)doubts as to being financially able to take care of me and my 2 kids, esp as we have been living (well). BUT, I have NO doubts as to my mental well being or as to my being "ok" without him. I had him move out for 3+ months over the summer. It was actually very low-key and calm here during those 3 months. I really enjoyed being alone, in many ways.

Anyway, my suggestion (and it is just my $0.02 and perhaps not the best advice you will get here) is that you simply get on with YOUR life. And make YOUR plans for the future!

*funny sidenote- As I was writing this, the goat got in the house. My DS8 and H were watching Beverly Hillbillies and the goat opened the back door and ran in the LR..LOL.

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