Look, I just came here for some help. I was under the assumption that that's what this website is for. Guess I was wrong. I'm not sure where the previous post came from. I posted here long ago, under a different name. When I went to attempt to start posting again for some much needed advice and help, it kept telling me that there had already been assigned a name for the email I was trying to use. So I just changed the password and posted under the same name. I have me gender straigtened out thank you...the previous post must have came from my husband at an earlier date. I just came on here for help that's all. I guess I will not get it here. Never fails. I was simply looking for WS's on here who felt the same as I who might could offer advice.

2112:

<< But guess what, no body is perfect and she found out that also there she has to forgive other things, there is no one perfect.>>

I understand what you are saying. I would not agree that I am self righteous - I know we all make mistakes. I really don't consider adultery a 'mistake' however. If that sounds self righteous well then I don't know what to say. I know that to be in another relationship there will be things to forgive as well. And I will, just as I have forgiven my X, but it still holds that if I am betrayed again I will not accept that.

<< Now all men make mistakes, and pretty much we all make the same mistakes.>> I know a couple of men that might disagree with the latter part of that statement.

All in all it may as well haver been my X writing your post. He feels pretty much the same as you. He is convinced that some where down the raod I will regret my decision to D.

<<...not everybody makes the same mistakes over and over, there are people that learn and try to make it up.>> I agree.

<<In Forgiving you have to forget.>>

Have you forgiven yourself? Have you forgotten what you did?

Your advice on not looking back is very good advice.............easier said than done..........especially when I do consider all the things you have said and what my X has said and what I know for myself.

For what its worth, I am sorry that your wife did not give you the chance you wanted and maybe deserved... Life stinks!

Payingnow:

Thanks for the explanation. You are not wrong in thinking you will get help on this site...........some may have had bad experiences with pranksters so please understand. People in here already have enough to deal with, to have time for things like that. Keep posting!

Well I just pulled up the previous posts from paying now. That was my husband, so please don't bad mouth me here. I have done no wrong. I m just looking for some help. The previous posts from my husband, he also left out a couple things. Working two jobs to support us..not. Me or our children never seen a dime of that money. It was all stashed away in a "secret" bank account. I never blamed the hunting itself, he has not told the whole story. Still no reason to do what I did. And he also failed to mention that he also had an affair, just a few months before he posted out story. Does anyone else know of any other marriage builders websites that I may get some help. I don't believe I am going to get it here. Not after all the smart comments from earlier.

I don't think anyone in here has ever purposely had an affair with the intent of improving their marriage. I had the affair for very selfish reasons, and again I say. I should have just left my husband sooner with the things that really made him happy because it wasn't me. But I did realize that with 100% from both of us that our marriage could have been better than it ever was. I know that. In my heart. I still believe that God does not want us to go our seperate ways. But I have done all that I can do. I have stood by his side through all of his namecalling, arguments, smart comments, lies, deceit...more lies. (All deserved). And would have stood by him for as long as it took. But there is nothing more I can do. Nothing. He has said that himself. I guess I just don't understand why I even want to fight for someone who's love for me is nothing more but a friends love. Although, he doesn't have a problem making love, (or maybe to him it's just sex now) or coming from behind me and wrapping his arms around me. Which I have longed for him to do so many times. And as far as the whole 'forgiving' bit, I say that my husband is an unforgiving person because he has told me that we has not and will not ever forgive me. So why do still want to fight for him?

Hi Paying...thanks for posting - I understand since I'm right there with you. I also believe that my marriage was a life long journey. I never thought that my affair would "improve" my marriage...I only knew that many couples turn a crisis into a turning point and CAN learn and create a better marriage. This web site is full of those stories. I was only seeking some compassion for those of us who were never given that opportunity.

To the folks here - you should know that I beat myself up on a regular basis. You don't need to feel compelled to do so..

One of the things I have come to start to think about is that I was more of a sex partner to my H. When I really needed him as a friend and partner (before, during and after affair), he didn't really know how to do that. I do believe if he loved me as much as a companion, friend as much as he did a sex partner - it would be more likey that he could have wanted to repair our marriage....
So - go ahead and bash away..just know that we are all human and make mistakes and some day you may be asking for someone to forgive you.

No one is bashing anybody. We are all just stating our different feelings/opinions.

The whole point of this thread was to deal with the negative feelings I myself get at times due to decisions/choices I have made. We all make choices and we all have to live with them.

This is what I mean when I say I sometimes think the WSs feel we take pleasure in how we react. And the whole forgiveness issue is becoming redundant. Somehow too you all seem to have the talent to always turn things around on us.

Thank you hopefulcis, It feels comforting to me to know that someone else feels the way I do. Not that I would wish these situations on anybody, not even my worst enemy. I don't think neither of us is trying to turn things around to make it someone else's fault. I think we both realize the hurt and pain we've caused. I pray for you hopefulcis. Will you pray for me? Pray that I can make it through this. I know I can. I know I can live without him, but I dont want to. Pray that maybe someday he might feel for me what I feel for him. And if the Lord does not have it in his plan to bring him back into my life, pray that someday I might be able to look at him without breaking down, without punishing myself everytime, without thinking of taking my own life.

123:

Your H had an A and you D. That doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven him, it means that you don't what to be married to someone that had an A. And it certainly doesn't mean that you are uncaring. It does mean that your H crossed a boundary that he shouldn't have.

Divorce is painful to all involved so I suspect that, eventually you may have some remorse. . . that is normal. A huge thing in your life died. I would be a bit worried if it didn't affect you at some level.

I'm a FWS btw and I believe that my W certainly had reason to divorce me. She didn't and I will always be grateful to her for that mercy. . .

Comfortably Numb:

Thanks for your encouragement.
Not long after the A my dad died also.
It pains me that my X sees me as his punisher and he will never be able to say like you - << I'm a FWS btw and I believe that my W certainly had reason to divorce me. She didn't and I will always be grateful to her for that mercy. . . >> This is why I feel like I'm such a dog at times. So many others choose to stay, why couldn't I. I really wish I could answer my own question. I don't know the answer, all I know is I couldn't.

My WH left me for the OW, and I am divorcing him.

How I wish that I'd the chance to work on the marriage, but he just up and left one day, and blew our world apart (we have two girls who thought we were happy and in love - so did I, come to that!)

He hasn't shown any remorse and doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong at all. I loved him so much, but there's only so much I can take.

He's been gone nearly 10 months now. It is his first affair (as far as I know). So I guess it counts in the context of this thread!

Alph.

I think this is the key.
Sometimes we are able to look back on our M, and see some of the things we did -or did not do-, that could have contributed to creating an environment that left our WS vulernable and open to an A. If we look back and see where we neglected our spouse, or treated them badly, that does not excuse an A, but we could see where we may have left our WS feeling like we just wouldn't care if they left and found someone else. In a case like that you are able to say "Ok, this stinks, but I can see what I can do to improve our M, and so I am going to take action to create an environment where my WS feels loved, cherished, and needed."
In your case (and in mine too) you look back and say "I don't see what I could have done any different." Your WH even admits that he doesn't know why he did it - that you had a good M - so how would you fix something that wasn't broke? How could you say "Ok, I can see why this happened, and now I can see what we can do different" In your shoes, I would always fear that even though things are good, he may still stray.

You can forgive his actions, and still choose not to be married to someone who doesn't choose to protect you from harm.

Alphin, I'm sorry you weren't even given the option. Life is so ironic, huh. Some want the option and don't get it; some get it but don't want it.......the age old question........WHY!!!!

Womanoffaith5 - you understand my position so well.

I hesitate to say things like "...so how would you fix something that wasn't broke?...", because I do not wish to sound self righteous or like I have been perfect with no faults or mistakes. What he did in no more than 10 mins destroyed 13 years. It was long regretted by the time he had zipped back up his pants. He repeatedly admitted that there was nothing gained from her that he didn't have from me. It was 'just' a vulnerable moment with a predator at hand.

You are right - I chose not to be married to someone that did not protect me - who was supposed to, but rather he destroyed me more than any words can ever say.

Alphin,

Quote"My WH left me for the OW, and I am divorcing him.

How I wish that I'd the chance to work on the marriage, but he just up and left one day, and blew our world apart (we have two girls who thought we were happy and in love - so did I, come to that!)

He hasn't shown any remorse and doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong at all. I loved him so much, but there's only so much I can take."



I know that you won't believe what I am going to say, it has take me almost 2 years to get there myself.

The most humane thing our WS's could do is to leave and never look back. These pages are overflowing with false recoveries ad nauseum and their resultant effluence. I have nightmares of my WW looking me in my face and lying twice. I couldn't imagine the effect of a daily, weekly or monthly betrayal.

I agree with you Cymanca,

Although I don't understand why WH left 3 weeks after D-day, I am glad that he did. I cannot imagine having him here, sneaking to the shower to call OW, living with the constant lying and snooping and insecurity. At least this way, I know who is in my corner.

A painful, but relatively quick death, as opposed to a slow and tortuous one. I do believe it, and I do accept that in many ways I've had it easier.

I guess it's just hard to accept that he left without a second thought. That even his children didn't affect his decision. It's so hard to have 14 years trashed, as if it meant nothing.

The only thing helps me understand is realising that he never really loved me, that our life together didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. I am coming to terms with that now. It hurts, but I know it's true.

Alph.

Cymanca:

<< These pages are overflowing with false recoveries ad nauseum and their resultant effluence.>>

I SO AGREE!!! I personally don't think I believe that there are ever real 100% recoveries. I do admire the ones who try and I know that many relationships do improve, but I imagine 'it' still looms in the darkness somewhere......somehow.......

It is pure horror!!! (understatement) to read of instances where a WS did it a second time YEARS apart from the first after being given a second chance. And worse yet that same BS is STILL willing to 'try again' and 'work it out'. With all of me I am trying to understand that but I can't.

<< The most humane thing our WS's could do is to leave and never look back. >> ...Maybe.

On one hand I feel like I should have just left it to the X to D me instead. After shattering my whole world he left it to me to deal the final blow. He stuck a knife in my back and made me twist it.
But he would not agree here, he would say I could have taken the knife out instead of twisting it.

Jean36:

<<I cannot imagine having him here, sneaking to the shower to call OW, living with the constant lying and snooping and insecurity. At least this way, I know who is in my corner. >>

I don't understand. As a FWS, didn't you put your BS in this same position?

Alphin:

<< It's so hard to have 14 years trashed, as if it meant nothing.>>

Luckily..........or not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> , I don't have any kids. But 13 years trashed all the same.

For what its worth,(and in no way meaning to be insensitive) at least your X left 'for something', if you understand what I mean. Mine destroyed all our years for NOTHING!!!...well I guess a 10 min sex session does not really qualify as 'nothing'............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />