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Alphin ,

Quote:The only thing helps me understand is realising that he never really loved me, that our life together didn't mean as much to him as it did to me.

You are sounding like a WS's "not in love with you". Don't you go changing history, let the WS do that. Our priority should be truth from everyone but most importantly from ourselves.

He loved you. He loved the children. He tried to make himself feel better about a part of his life that had/has nothing to do with you or your children. He just isn't aware how much he lost when he threw away reality for his immature fleeting fantasy.

You are in my prayers.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Jean36:

<<I cannot imagine having him here, sneaking to the shower to call OW, living with the constant lying and snooping and insecurity. At least this way, I know who is in my corner. >>

I don't understand. As a FWS, didn't you put your BS in this same position?

No, I came clean about the EA I was in and I left. There were no false recoveries, no trying, no fence sitting. I left and he didn't ask me to stay.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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OK. I'm sorry. Thanks for your response.

Are you getting a D now?


The latter will be greater than the past.
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Yep, for months I let him know that I wanted the M, but like Alphin's WH, he has not looked back. He said he wanted the D, but didn't file, so I did and now he is very angry that I am not giving him exactly the D as he specified.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Hmmmmmmmmmm. Sorry again...don't know what else to say. Hope your D isn't too long and drawn out.


The latter will be greater than the past.
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For what its worth,(and in no way meaning to be insensitive) at least your X left 'for something', if you understand what I mean. Mine destroyed all our years for NOTHING!!!...well I guess a 10 min sex session does not really qualify as 'nothing'............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I see what you mean, and I don't think you are being insensitive, but we BS's all hurt in our own ways. We take the horrible parts of our sitches and compare them with others.

What you describe as the 'something' that my STBX left me for, is what hurts me more than anything. I do appreciate how you feel about your H throwing away everything for ten minutes of meaningless sex - what a pointless waste, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. But in my WH's case, he betrayed me not only physically, but emotionally too. It's the emotional betrayal that hurts me more.

The thought of them lying together in bed, sharing intimate thoughts and dreams. The thought of them talking about me, about how miserable I made him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> so they can justify what they are doing, the thought of them beginning to jell together as a 'family unit' with my children. He threw me away so easily, and replaced me with her. I'd rather watch him have sex with 100 prostitutes than experience that emotional betrayal again.

Alph.


Me, BS 37 Him, WXH (Noddy) 40 DD13, DD6 Married 14th August 1993 D/Day 2nd April 05 Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28 Divorce final 6th July '06. Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx ...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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I understand. If I had to face that also I know it would be much much worse.


The latter will be greater than the past.
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The most humane thing our WS's could do is to leave and never look back. These pages are overflowing with false recoveries ad nauseum and their resultant effluence. I have nightmares of my WW looking me in my face and lying twice. I couldn't imagine the effect of a daily, weekly or monthly betrayal.


I have had this thought myself many times, but I was always afraid to share it!
In the beginning, I would read stories from others here whose WS did not move out right away, or appeared to be on the fence still, or at least made some sort of motions toward recovery and I would think "why isn't that happening for me? Why did mine leave and never look back? Am I so much worse than everyone else? Is there nothing about me that would make a man reconsider?

Now that all of the drama is behind me, have been divorced two plus years, and I am happily married to a new man, I am thankful that the whole saga did not drag on any longer than it did.

I have a friend whose H left her in June of 2004 for OW. In July of 2005 he was back with his wife. I see them from time to time and I know that she still worries about what he is up too, and she still worries that every time she looks at him funny he is going to find someone else to replace her. honestly, I don't know when she will be able to just relax in her own home again.

On the other hand, I am now married to a man who loves me and makes me feel completely safe. he does not call me names, he does not swear at me, he isn't a couch potato. He is not selfish. When he got an extra bonus on his paycheck last month he did not instantly take the money out of the bank and stash it away to spend on himself. Instead, he bought me a new diamond. He is beyond what I ever dreamed was possible in a husband. We have been married a year now, and I am still excited to see him when he gets home from work every night.

I am sorry that WxH's life has not worked out so well. But I do not let that stop me from fully enjoying my own life.
The best revenge is a life well lived, and I am living and loving every minute.


Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
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I am so happy for you!

I take it you were remarried last year, this is 2 years after your D. That's not a very long time. Has/is it difficult recommitting to someone? What about baggage.............please share a little more on your new relationship if you don't mind. I worry about how this whole situation could impact on my future.


The latter will be greater than the past.
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Your choice is very reasonable. You are not less forgiving or less anything for having made a choice to get away from someone who deliberately made choices that would be devastating to you.

A close friend of mine told me about how she felt happily married, she discovered evidence of an affiar when she returned home early from a business trip, and she moved out. Six months later, he called and said it was the biggest mistake of his life. She said she could never trust him again. Within two years, she remarried. She's been married more than 10 years.

You know what? Her new husband is unlikely to have an affair on her!
Cherished

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123go i am not a prankster ,I am sorry for the A. and I agree with you, there is no way back, you can forgive but not go back.
I have learned to be a better person, and although some may wish that I remain lonley for the rest of my life for having made a mistake. I have a happy new relationship.
after the S, I found out my w had a om and it hurt but I deserved it, so I accepted it.

we had a happy family, I never missed out any special moments with my wife and kids and we had been together since we were 16 years old, I got drunk one night with some buddies and fell into a womans charm. Bad,bad,bad. that was 4 years ago, she tried for another 4 years but could not forget. so we s 2 years ago

Now My x & I are still best friends although it hurts at times, for I cannot forgive myself completly, I took the first step, then 3 years later she could not forgive and finished it. My point of view is completely different than yours dear 123go. And I respect it. Yoiu would be good friends with my x.
I have learned to be good friends with x we have 2 lovely kids 8 and 6 and we have a lot of fun together. Till we die we will be mother and father of our boys that we love dearly. we even joke now about our new lives boyfriend and girlfriend, we are both trying to find our ways and learn to forgive, not to be together (although in my heart at times I have wished it) but we grew appart and God knows I love my family and gave them the best I could, and yes I made a mistake, and I paid my price and I accept it and have learned to be there anyway for them.

Now that is is over and we know life wont stop for us we have learned to be good friends. Do you ever think of being good friends with your x?

I know this thread Re: Anyone else divorced their WS for a 1 time PA? I did. is not for me so I'll find another one. I just want to understand a womans mind and I see here it is just women. any way 123go, you just hold on to what is right.we cant fool our hearts.

me 34
her 29
married 8 years
friends 20 years
2boys 8 & 6
separated 1.1/2 years
I filed 1 year ago, so she could be better with Om
next week finaly divorced .
om ( bad) hurt her.

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The most humane thing our WS's could do is to leave and never look back.
Ya' think so?


Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
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123GO,
What you feel is what you feel. It's not "Wrong". If you believe that trust is important to a healthy marriage, and feel like you can never have it with your exWS, than I think it would be "wrong" for you to stay married.

I don't know if or what your spiritual beliefs are. I find it interesting, however, that in Christianity God tells us that adultry is the one definate grounds for divorce. And God is all about forgiveness! That says to me that there's something created within us that may recognize the difficulty of rebuilding a marriage after adultry. Not that you have to divorce, but there is great difficulty in rebuilding.

We need to get Lemonman in on this discussion! Has anyone seen him post lately? He is one who divorced his WW soon after her affair. He hasn't regretted it. He has questioned how others on here can pursue reconciliation after such betrayal. So, you're not alone in this. In fact, the general public thinks there's something wrong in attempting reconciliation after an affair.

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2112 - the prankster thing was re payingnow but we got that straightened out. You are most welcome to post here as much as you like. It is good to hear the feelings/opinions of persons on the other side of the coin.

<< ...some may wish that I remain lonely for the rest of my life for having made a mistake.>> I certainly do not feel that way. My X actually has a gf already and I guess I am happy for him, although there are issues that have a lot of hurt for me there. He says it is nothing serious, but it's really none of my business at this point, right?

<<I found out my w had a om and it hurt but I deserved it, so I accepted it.>> I am sure she did not have someone else to punish you, but I understand what you are saying. My X says he will not be happy moving on unless he knows for sure that I have and am happy. Says he does not deserve to be happy if I am not. I have tried giving him my 'blessings' so to speak and he is moving on with his gf.

The idea of being good friends..........we are not enemies and he wishes to be friends, but having contact with him does me no good so I have established NC.

I wish you all the best in your new relationship. Please do all (and more!) that it would take, for you not to make the same mistake again, ok?


The latter will be greater than the past.
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Heartmending: thanks for your encouraging words.

<<I don't know if or what your spiritual beliefs are. I find it interesting, however, that in Christianity God tells us that adultry is the one definate grounds for divorce. And God is all about forgiveness! That says to me that there's something created within us that may recognize the difficulty of rebuilding a marriage after adultry. Not that you have to divorce, but there is great difficulty in rebuilding.>>

I quite agree with all you said here. I am a christian and indeed the only reason why I got the D was because there were biblical grounds for it. I would have stuck through anything else. But he did the ONE thing that I always promised myself I would never accept, and the ONE thing that even God himself frowns upon enough to ok a D.

I will check out some of lemonmans posts. Thanks.


The latter will be greater than the past.
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Payingnow....I do pray for you,I know that some of us learn the hard way, but at least we learn and take these life experiences with us into a bright and happy future. I know happy couples where one of the partners had a history of infidelity. The one couple I admire most, the H maintains its all about picking the right partner in the first place - "don't settle". Again, NO excuse for having an A, but something to think about for our future.

I pray for my husband that he will someday come to forgive me and stop punishing me. He had many demons and he asked me to love him despite his failings and foibles. I did my best, but I was lonely and hurt... now I ask him to love me despite my failings and foibles and I guess he is doing his best.
Cis


Me - far from a perfect person - but trying to improve all the time
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I take it you were remarried last year, this is 2 years after your D. That's not a very long time. Has/is it difficult recommitting to someone? What about baggage.............please share a little more on your new relationship if you don't mind. I worry about how this whole situation could impact on my future.


Actually, recommitting to someone has not been too difficult. I feel like I am a lot wiser now, I understand relationships better. Dating when you are over 40 is a whole lot different. I certainly didn't paln to get married again so soon. But my new H is such a good man. He treats me like a queen. He prays with me, calls me just to say he loves me, sends me cards at work. My biggest concern in the beginning was how the kids would adjust. I had intended to wait until the oldest was out of high school - he graduates this year - before I got into any serious relationships. But when I started dating the man I am married to now, and told him that I would not be ready for marriage until Older son graduates, he said "I gues I can understand that, but I would think that it would be good to have some time at home with him, getting to know him, before he goes off to college."
as it turns out, H and son get along great, and I have been glad that they could get to know each other.

Getting married when you are over 40 - we don't argue about small things, we are past that. I don't let hurt feelings build. if something is bothering me I don't pout, and give him the silent treatment, waiting for him to ask what is wrong. I just tell him "when you said ___ I felt bad, because that is kind of a big issue for me".

The one negative thing that I have noticed, is that depression seems to come onto me a lot easier now. My WxH's affair, and the D, is the worst experience I have ever been through. The sleepless nights, the loss of appetite, the panic attacks. The times when I broke down sobbing, suddenly, and couldn't control it. It is as if those things have now left a deep mark inside of me. Like when you blow up a balloon for the first time, it is hard to blow up because it has not been streched yet. But the next time you blow it up, it is a a lot easier to blow up because it has all ready been stretched out. Depression is like that for me know. Not that I am suffering from depression all the time. I have just noticed that if my new H and I disagree on something I feel a sickness in m stomach right away. I don't cry and wail and carry on, but I get this sudden sick stomach, even if we disagree on something silly like where to have dinner.
I tried a new recipe recently, and my new H said it was just ok, not great. Instantly I felt sick in my stomach, and thought to myself "yikes, I am over -reacting here". So I am able to recognize those times when me old depression is rearing up, and I spend a little quiet time reflecting on why I feel that way, and whether or not I even need to talk to my new H about it. I have found that talking to my girl friends about that sort of stuff helps - because I can ask "am I being too sensitive?" and they will tell me.

One really positive thing I have learned - I do not keep track of whose turn it is to apologize, or whose turn it is to make the first move. If I am in the mood to cuddle on the couch with him, I sit down and cuddle. I don't wait for an invitation. We went on a cruise this summer, and spent a day flying with plane delays, lack of sleep, lack of food, etc. By the time we got to the ship we were both grouchy and irritable. We snapped at each other, and then said "Come on, lets just go get something to eat" he stomped out of the room, and I followed behind him thinking "He snapped at me first - I am not going to apoloigze!"
After about 10 minutes of that I thought to myself "wait - this is the man I love. we have been looking forward to this cruise for a long time. I don't want to sepnd another minute being mad at him." so I said "I don't want to spend the day being mad. I am sorry I snapped at you. Lets have fun now instead" and he responded with "I am sorry too. and I agree, lets quit being mad, and have a good time instead"
that was a highlight for me. Being in a R that is mature enough to say "I'm sorry" and understand that saying "I'm sorry" doesn't mean that I am admitting I was all wrong, I am bad, and I deserve to be punished. It jsut means "I am sorry that you are hurting"


Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
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wof5 - thanks so much for sharing with me. I don't have kids and I am not over 40 but I understand much of what you are saying.

<< The one negative thing that I have noticed, is that depression seems to come onto me a lot easier now. My WxH's affair, and the D, is the worst experience I have ever been through. The sleepless nights, the loss of appetite, the panic attacks. The times when I broke down sobbing, suddenly, and couldn't control it. It is as if those things have now left a deep mark inside of me.>>

That mark scares me at times. It is like a darkness inside of me in the core of my heart and it has the ability to make me feel so cold, so uncaring about anything/anyone, even myself. I know it is some sort of defense mechanism that shows up whenever I start to feel any kind of hurt. I know it is not good. But it just happens sort of like that 'sudden sick stomach'. Anything hurts me now and I feel that sickness to my stomach also. There is also this weakness that flows through the palms of my hands. It is like all the nerves in my body are accumulated in my hands and squirming around frantically...hard to describe really. Have you ever felt that one?

Have you ever taken anti depressants? They can help.

It is real good to know you are happy and are being treated like a 'queen'. I wish us all the same luck/blessing.


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I have taken anti-D's. I started them about two weeks after D day, and what a blessing they were for me. I see people on here who say "I am just going to tough it out and try it without the meds" I thought that at first too, but then realized I wasn't cooking for my kids, I was always on the couch crying, and the panic attacks were really scary. So I got on the anti D's and it helped me to get through the worst of it. As you know, it didn't make me "high" or "happy". It just made me better able to cope.

I went of the meds right after the D - which turned out to be too soon, so I went back on them for another 6 months or so, and have been off ever since. I read somewhere that it is a good idea to take them when you are going through such a huge traumatic experience, to help you cope, because depression is a progressive disease, and tends to get worse with subsequent episodes. I think this may explain our experience with the "sick to the stomach" type episodes that can come on quickly now.

I have learned to step back, and regroup, using the coping mechanisms that I learned during my depression.

I learned that listening to good, sing along christian worship and praise music in the car helps. And having a good cup of tea in a pretty cup helps. taking a shower with good smelling shower gel, followed by good smelling lotion helps. Calling a girlfriend to vent, and writing down my thoughts in a journal are good. And reading helps me a lot.

I have also found that as soon as I start feeling the depression creep up, I get into the scriptures and just start reading. Romans, Acts, the book of James, whatever strikes me at the time.

before I met my new H I scheduled lots of activities on my calender to keep me from sitting home feeling sorry for myself. I had choir practice at church Monday nights, a friend who always came over for dinner on Tuesdays, my sons sporting events on various days. I volunteered to work the snack bar at Baseball games.
You knwo how you meet women at work or at church, and you always say "lets get together some time?" I would actually make plans to get together with people. Go to Starbucks for an hour, and just gab. Half the time, those women would end up unloading their own troubles and I would feel like I was helping them out, which made me feel good.

I guess the secret, for me, is to find those positive things, that make you feel good, and do them. My favorite lunch, in my favotire restaurant. If I don't have someone to go to lunch with me, I say to heck with it, and go anyway. I am not going to sit back and let life pass me by.


Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
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I am one of those who determined to 'tough it out'. I did for the worst of it. I got prescriptions twice but never followed through. It's been almost 2 years and only a couple months ago I started taking unprescribed, over the counter ones. Not good I know. I have now purposed that I will get a referral to see a shrink. But even that I keep putting off.

Music does me no good - too many triggers - both chriatian and secular.

My spiritual life is at an all time low. My mind knows what I need to do but I don't have the will.

I know I should keep busy and be more positive/ optimistic. Some days I do, some I don't. I long for the better days to be the more frequent ones.


The latter will be greater than the past.
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